My Daughter, me and mother in law. Help?

Postby nickj820 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 1:11 am

so I've looked everywhere for guidance, assistance and how to deal with the situation I am currently presented with. I have found this place and I'm hoping for the assistance of some of the community. I am a 38 year old widowed father of a almost 17 year old daughter. My wife passed away just over two years ago, rest in peace Kelly. My mother-in-law who lives with me currently is sick, she has cancer and she has lived with us for the past 6 years(she was diagnosed with cancer six months ago) and since my wife passed away she has continued to live with us. A little backing on all this is my wife and I had a child and a couple years later my wife got ill with diabetes and a whole other handful of other medical problems. Throughout the course of that time until prior to my wife passing her mother lived with us here and there it was okay because it helped with many aspects. I had custody of my brother's children in 2012 when he went to prison, my wife and I were granted guardianship temporarily while he served his prison term that is when my mother-in-law moved in with us again. It was difficult it was hard and from that time till today my daughter gets frustrated with everything because grandma is always around, always in her business always relaying things to me that she does not need to and I have voiced my disagreement with that and it continues. I understand that because she is always around and it's annoying at times. I love the woman to death, but I cannot live with her no more and her having stage 4 cancer I can't take care of her. She is mobile and can do pretty much everything, I feel though it is not my duty to take care, provide a home of her in my residence, while continuing to put my life on hold like I have for the past 6 years already. I went through my wife being medically ill for a decade it was tough, but she was my wife and I loved her I took care of her until her dying day. My mother-in-law though, my life has to move forward, I cannot think of why another woman would come to my home if we were doing whatever and me introducing my mother-in-law as my deceased wife's mom who lives with me. Sorry for the long post, but I'm looking for ways to tell her that my daughter and I are moving forward it has disrupted my daughter's life especially my daughter's sadness of things and the Mother-in-law does not help with that it makes it worse. Help suggestions are greatly appreciated.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:34 am

You are correct. You have no obligation to support or be in any sort of relationship with an ex mother-in-law. This means if you want the relationship to end, it is not a matter of if, but rather a matter of (1) when and (2) how.

These are moral questions for you to resolve. Being an issue of morals, there is no clear cut right or wrong, but a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, there is immediately asking her to leave, and not providing any support. It is basically telling her it is her life, her problem, and cutting off ties as you close the door behind her. On the opposite end is having several conversations with her, coming up with a reasonable time by which she needs to find another place to live, and actively participating in providing resources and helping file any paperwork, etc. in order to help with the transition.

With spectrums, usually the best solution falls somewhere in the middle. I think most would agree that immediately kicking out a person with stage 4 cancer is an entirely immoral act that dependent on your beliefs, certainly would merit a large dose of cosmic justice at some point in the future. On the other hand, falling to the extreme other side of the spectrum might earn some cosmic points, but it won't resolve the issue at hand. In the middle, where you give her some time, but set a reasonable deadline and then help her as needed is the best way to go IMO.
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#2

Postby nickj820 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 9:58 am

Your advice is greatly appreciated, I would never just kick her out, my plan is in the next 6 months to move with my daughter. It is so hard and as to why I seek the advice of others. When I moved two and a half years ago right after my wife passed away I wasn't going to leave her with nowhere to go and see why she currently lives with me. That course has ran, and mine and my daughter's life is very important to move on as we have both my daughter and I been in counseling and it is a recommended to do aright hand turn to do so as it has affected my daughter's Mental Health amongst other things. As I stated I have things in life I must do and I would never cut ties off entirely with her, I love the woman to death, but I just cannot live with her. Thank you for your support and your words this is why I came here.
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