A year weed free. My story.

Postby nomorepot » Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:21 pm

Hello guys! First of all thank you ALL who posted here. A special thanks to a Waking life, he’s doing a real great job posting in his thread for so many years. I’ve been lurking for almost a year and I think I have read all threads here connected with weed. I found that almost each story connected with weed in one form or another resonated with mine. So thought I should share my story with you. English is not my native language, so excuse me for possible mistakes. I will try my best to make it readable.
So it’s been a year since I smoked my last joint. I am 33 now, male. I first tried weed when I was 16. But I felt nothing then, so as did my friend, maybe because it was our first time, maybe because the dealer sold us crap (he knew we were amateurs. Anyway, I was lucky not to get stoned at such young age. The next time I smoked weed I was 19 or 20 and it was the first time I felt high. From 20 to 23 I smoked occasionally, say once or twice a month, normally when I met my best friend. We smoked mostly hashish, because nobody sold buds where I lived in this period of time. I never felt like weed affected my brain in a bad way. I finished a technical school when I was 19 and combined full time job with a study in Uni (evenings and weekends) back then. When I was 24 (2008) my younger cousin said he could score real buds, very expensive but highest grade stuff. So he did it, I got a 5 gram bud and it took me almost a month to finish it because each time I smoked just a little, I was absolutely stoned. It was the moment since when I began to buy hash to smoke ALONE. I lived with my parents and smoked only in late evenings, when they went to bed. I smoked 10-15 times a month, maybe even more.
In 2009 I found it difficult to continue juggling working on my PHD with full-time job and quit the job. So I spent next year sitting home whiting my PHD dissertation and smoking pot. It took me a year to spend all my savings so I had to find a new job. It was pretty brainstorming, challenging and rather perspective position so when they offered me a job I decided to quit smoking to regain clarity of my mind. This was the first time I faced with real PAWS. I did not realize what was happening to me. I couldn’t sleep at night, felt sick during the day, lost appetite, had diarrhea, instead of clarity I felt like my brain was frozen, I completely lost my confidence. I used to work on my dissertation at nights and slept till 3 PM, so I thought it was part of becoming an early riser again. All working day I felt how stupid I was. My new boss, who actually hired me, was pretty bright guy but also blunt and even rude, he said he thought PHD student would be brighter and after three months he gave me the sack. I was devastated. For me, it was humiliation. I knew deep in my soul that I deserved it but at the same time I could not believe I was fired because I was stupid. So I assured myself that the problem was in my boss who was a jerk, not in me.
After 6 month, I managed to finish my theses but the main expert gave a bad reference to my dissertation. He wrote that it was too poor to be considered as a PHD work. You know, it was the second blow to my ego. My adviser was highly respected person in my uni so she managed to change this expert to another one who wrote a good feedback for my work. You know what? I assured myself that the problem was in the expert, who was in the reality the most competent professor in my uni So, defended my dissertation and got my PHD diploma. It was summer 2011. I was happy. I started smoking hashish almost every day again.
It took me more than half a year to find the job I was looking for. It was the year of 2012. My best friend’s acquaintance gave him some seeds from “street-weed”. He planted them just for fun on a windowsill and soon he had 3 small plants which were needed to be removed to a sunny place. I bought used 400 watt high-pressure sodium arc lamp and we built a huge grow box. It turned out that the strain was so potential that we got stoned smoking leaves. We cloned the plant and planted five bushes outdoor. So what was the point where my committed relationship with Marry Jane began. I become a daily smoker.
In 2013 I bought 25 northern lights seeds and we harvested our first 6 super high grade bushes indoor.
In 2014 I first dared to build a small grow box to grow on my own in one-room apartment I rented. A girl I lived with was crazy about it. I put my grow box into a one section of huge old closet to make it absolutely unnoticeable. But during the night time when a fan in my box switched on it produced a slight roaring, which made my girlfriend insane. Then I moved my box to balcony and began growing there with no problem. I grew indoor during winter and outdoor during summer. I harvested huge amount of weed, much more then I could possibly consume. I never sold weed. It was my golden rule. I just shared with some close friends for free. I also discovered reggae culture. The reggae was the only music I listened to. In 2015 I harvested enormous amount of weed outdoor. So I’d been smoking it till January 2017. I had 30 gram left when I suddenly decided to quit. I just dropped the buds in toiled and flashed them. I throw out my pipes and my bong, sold my grow box. I still do not know what possessed me, but I knew for sure that I was fed up with this disruptive way of living. Half a year before this, in May 2016 I caught my wife which I just married, cheated on me. She did not confess, but I kicked her out and divorced her anyway. It was the biggest stress in my whole life, so painful that the next 6 month I found myself smoking my buds and drinking alcohol like crazy. I was so stressed that most of my hair become half-white and I got an eczema which showed up by skin peeling around my eyes. As for my job, I’d been working for the same employer since 2012, and was in a very comfortable position, not stressful, got paid rather good salary but felt like for the 5 years I was not developing in professional way. I could see that my analytical skills got much worse, my memory failed. I spent a lot of time trying to study English, but noticed that it got even worse than it used to be 5 years earlier. I was a daily smoker, smoked in evenings on weekdays and all day long in weekends. I gave myself a brake two times for a month and maybe five times for a week for the last four years. One-week brakes I did when I had to go to a business trips and on vacation abroad. Monthly brakes I did “to clean my body, my lungs and my brain” and also I thought it helped to regain my sensitivity to THC.
I remember when I made a brake for a month in October 2016 I completely lost my appetite by the end of this month. Even one thought of food might make me feel sick. And interestingly, being so experienced in this stuff, I still could not believe that it was all caused by abstinence. I made myself believe that I had a serious disease, like cancer. I did not know it was just paws, because I had no idea it could last so long. And of course after the first toke all bad symptoms disappeared.
Once I experience what I think was a panic attack. My ex fried some chicken wings for dinner. Upon returning home after work I smoked a joint of my best stuff. The first wing turned to be with broken bone and I occasionally swallowed a significant piece of the bone. I was so high that I thought it stuck in my food pipe so I rushed swallowing huge pieces of bread with rough crusts trying to shove the bone to my stomach. I scratched my food pipe doing this so I had no idea where this bone was. Then I imagined that if I did manage to push it down, it still could eventually pierce my stomach or intestine and so on. These thoughts almost black me out. I lied down on a couch sweating and then I saw incoming call from my wife. She always gave me a hard time about weed. She didn’t use it, didn’t like I used it, but at the same time she couldn’t do anything with me smoking, because I really liked it and what was more important, I didn’t look like drug addict. She saw how easy to me was not to use it during our vocations abroad and during my business trips. I also tried blazing out of her sight and even puffed smoke out to a window. That’s why when she called me (probably to ask how the wings were) I didn’t find nothing wiser than put my phone on silent mode and continued shaking trying to decide whether I needed to call an ambulance or not. I imagined how they open up my chest like a tin-can so to be able to get to the bone and it made me sick. I had never experienced something similar before. I rolled myself into a blanket and finally fall asleep. My wife woke me up. She called me 50 times and not having a reply rushed home. I slept for 2 hours and felt fine. I didn’t care about the piece of bone any more. I did not tell her what happed, just said that I swallow a piece of bone, lost appetite and fall asleep.
What interesting is that when I stopped smoking pot a year ago, I did not lose my appetite so dramatically. Maybe switching from junk and heavy food to healthy diet contributed to it, I don’t know. The huge problem became sleep. But this time I knew it was just paws and accepted it as my own salvation. The first week was OK but lack of sleep began to tell on me. I noticed that I became easily irritated, but apart from this I felt fine. On the second or third week I started to feel flu-like symptoms, which I assumed to be viral in nature: I felt like I have a slight temperature and sore throat, though it did not exactly feel viral. As well as all others I started seeing insane vivid dreams. I got profuse sweating at nights. I felt lack of energy, especially upon returning home after a workday. I felt tired legs and buzz in my head. I don’t remember for sure but I think most of these symptoms mostly subsided after 1,5 month. I also experienced a bad headache for the first two months from time to time.
As for desire to smoke, I did not have one. After 3 month since quitting I helped a friend of mine to trim white widow fir tree and discovered that I hadn’t any urge to smoke it. Strange, but I think weed produces specific type of addiction. For example I, smoked cigarettes for more than 10 years heavily and it was not easy to get rid of this addiction. It was only Allen Carr’s book which helped me to quit (I was 23). Actually it helped to look onto yourself and see how pathetic you are as a smoker. Before I read it I tried to quit but failed for several times. The problem with tobacco is that addiction is physical (for me personally). It appears very quickly after you extinguish your last one. A little cunning beast inside you immediately comes up from nowhere and starts to assure you that quitting was the bad idea and requires quelling him a dose of nicotine. At least it was how I experienced it.
At the first week despite of lack of sleep I felt very energetic and initiative. I felt enormous urge to change my life. I was a free man, divorced with no children, not so old yet, clear of debts, so everything’s possible, right? The most important thing is desire, I thought. I decided to study English, accumulate some money and to go study to a different country and maybe slay there then. So in my opinion motivation plays a crucial role in saying good-bye any addiction. My motivation was and still is to achieve absolute clarity of my mind. That’s why half a year ago I also stopped drinking alcohol and then I reduced caffeine intake to minimum. It helps me to absorb new knowledge, develop in a professional way and gradually accomplish what was planned.
The first 4-6 months I experienced constant brain fog, had a huge problem with focusing. I knew I had to study English to prepare for language test, but couldn’t help myself to start preparation. Instead, I read fiction in English, just for fun. Reading posts on uncommon forum convinced me that this proses was not going to be shorter than 6 month. And it proved to be true. I felt I was ready to study only in August. In October I bought new strings to my old classical guitar, found a folder with my old musical scores. I stopped playing 12 years ago. So now I enjoy playing each day.
And I still do not know what stance I should take in respect to pot. Is this right thing to consider myself for the last 10 years as an addict? I know this plant has changed my life, changed my way of thinking, and I do not have the heart to claim that it was made it in a bad way. I did like this state of overwhelming love and happiness which weed used to put me in, but I think I reached the phase where I want to reach such a state naturally, without using any substance. I believe the reason people, especially which have reached the age of reason choose weed, because they actually did not have a chance to see what they actually choose. All who quit discover this new reality by being sober over time, like they discovered some time ago what means to be irie. The nicest thing is that without weed we I again can enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, fishing, reading, swimming and many others.
Although I still have some paws issues like ear clogging, different aches and pains. For example, I was going to think that I was out of the wood when couple days ago I woke up at 4 AM feeling dizziness. The next 3 hours I couldn’t fall asleep feeling like my head is spinning. Then I got up and by 8 I forgot about the feeling, but was alert and irritated all day. Maybe it had nothing to do with PAWS, I don’t know.
Also, what drives me crazy is post-breakfast haze. It comes precisely when I arrive to my work, an hour after breakfast. I feel slight drowsiness and lassitude which usually lasts up to three hours. So I now eat twice a day: one in the morning, at 7 30 AM and one in the evening at 7 30 PM, no snacks during a day. And I believe it helps me to stay energetic since post- breakfast fog disappears.
As for dealing with paws, I tried a lot of things and as well as others I believe you should use a holistic approach to make them less severe. You may consider any type of activities, like working out, brisk walking, swimming, yoga, you name it. I chose a swimming pool, but honestly speaking I feel like I haven’t been going there as much as should. But I would’ve been going much more often if I had had a pool within walking distance from my home. I also tried cold shower and if you’re gonna try it, I wouldn’t recommend you to stay under the shower more than 5-10 seconds and then immediately rub yourself with big dry towel. Even 10 second cold shower is invigorating and can replace that double espresso you are craving for.
So that was my story. Sorry for not being consistent. It’s been a long day.
New Member
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:14 pm
Likes Received: 4


Postby TonyTheCat » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:37 pm

Thanks, man, for your story. It really helps. Now im in the hard PAWS and your story gives me a hope.
Junior Member
Posts: 40
Joined: Sun Dec 03, 2017 9:35 am
Likes Received: 28


Postby nomorepot » Sat Feb 03, 2018 2:16 pm

TonyTheCat wrote:Thanks, man, for your story. It really helps. Now im in the hard PAWS and your story gives me a hope.

Hello Tony, I am glad my story helped you. Hang in there! It's worth it
New Member
Posts: 7
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:14 pm
Likes Received: 4

  • Similar Topics
    Last post

Return to Addictions