Dear Mary Jane and Philip Morris-
I'm going to tell you my entire story as a coping mechanism now and hopefully everyday thereafter until I feel I am no longer holding any malice towards you, and until you no longer hold me. It has been fun.
I turn 30 years old in 10 days, I hope to be completely sober by then.
Yesterday didn't mark anything for me, it was just a big struggle. I am the heaviest smoker I ever met smoking about a quarter pound every 2 weeks. Sometimes, I can clear 3/4 of a pound in a month, but I try really hard not to smoke more than a qp per paycheck. I buy blunt wraps from Germany in bulk (paperguru)-- smoking more than some people make in a month. I'm not bragging either. I'm ashamed. Smoking weed has screwed me out of some really good job opportunities and limited my civilian work to bottom feeding so I've had to improvise to supplement my income.
I am a functioning junkie right now, but hopefully not for much longer.
The first time I smoked weed I was 11 years old. I got it from my uncle Ringo when he was about 16. I never developed a weed habit though. I joined the marine corps in 2006, did five years and 2 deployments. During that time in 2008, my uncle Ringo had just finished a prison sentence of 6 years (reckless endangerment and evading arrest). He was living with his mom, my grandmother and I felt really bad for him. We grew up almost like brothers even though he is my uncle. At the time, I was going through a lengthy and painful divorce from my cheating exwife so I invited uncle Ringo to come live with me, as I was living alone at that time. I paid his trip, got him a job, bought him a car, and the routine basically went: Wake up for work, get high af, go to work, come home, get high af again. We basically stayed stoned 24 hours a day. I took weed with me on base and smoked during my lunch break cause honestly, I didn't give af, which has been my attitude until most recently.
I started smoking hashish in Afghanistan on my second deployment and haven't been sober for more than a few hours since. I was discharged from the marine corps (honorably) in 2011 with a TS/SCI clearance. How was I able to slip through the cracks? I was part of a brand new unit the marine corps stood up in 2005 called marsoc. I'm not going to go into depth about it, but basically there were no random drug tests for the longest time in marsoc due to lack of organization and personnel. That is the first half of how I did it... the second half is luck. Really really lucky more than once.
When I came back from Afghanistan after smoking hashish everyday for nearly a year, smoking spice was not my primary objective anymore. I felt that smoking weed was a requirement for me. I don't want to say that 4 letter acronym that is most associated with veterans, but Mary-- you have seen me through some really tough and and sleepless nights. I'm still one paranoid mfer, but I'm 100 times better than I was 7 or 8 years ago, and I don't need you anymore. I don't want you anymore.
In the last 10 years, I have developed a weed network mfers would give up a testicle to be a part of. Developing a weed network was in part to make more contacts to buy weed at first, but ultimately to get my smoke for free (or right at it). I'm not going to give it up either, I will just switch from smoking my money, to pocketing it. I've put way to much work into my network to let it go up in flames, and I do firmly believe that I can be around you, without being tempting-- eventually. If not, then so be it, I'll burn my problems to the ground to forget about you at this point.
So yeah, I've been in bed with you for the last 10 years, and I'm done. I've slept a collective of about 4 or 5 hours in the last 48 hours... I've ate a little bit of sausage and eggs yesterday for breakfast but that is all I've managed to eat... I'm holding back tears, which are seemingly there for no reason at all. I'm tired of having a smoker's cough. I'm tired of my lungs being congested. I'm just really tired of you I think.
PRESENTLY:
I'm not sure exactly the last time I smoked weed, cause stuff has been really sober for me for the last day or 2. As best I can figure, I smoked a blunt on Saturday morning. I took a couple of really small hits yesterday morning on a dab pen cause I was not doing to well. I'm done with dab pens now too though. I don't give af, I'm done with you. I wasn't able to sleep at all Saturday night, and I finally got a couple hours of sleep due to exhaustion and sleeping pills on Sunday evening. I still only slept for like 2 or 3 hours. After I woke up, I was having really bad withdrawals so I went to the bar last night and got hammered. First time I've ever been to the bar without smoking weed or cigarettes. Fell asleep at like 3am this morning, my wife woke up me getting out of bed for work at 6am... its now 9am. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day sober but I'm going to figure it out. I ran out of weed while visiting my parents in Savannah, GA in 2014 and didn't have anyway of getting anymore that day. I had a nervous breakdown and ended up just crying for hours in my wifes arms. That was the last time I was sober for more than a few hours.
My mom and wife have no opinion on my habit, but my dad always tries his hardest to make me feel like crap for spending so much time with you, and you know what? The old man is right, just as he always is. You are a crutch, and I no longer need you. It really is hard to say that, but with tears in my eyes--
I pray to god you two never have control over me again. I am taking back my life and my health starting today. Maybe I even take my fat tas for a run today to exorcise the demons. After I stop smoking everything, I'm going to stop dipping and drinking soda. That is the long term goal of a very very weak man right now.
I'll try to post twice a day here, but may end up being more due to coping with this stuff.