Sober and Somber after a decade

[asgoodasitgets]

Congratulations and happy birthday brother. My birthday is on Sunday, and I am also looking forward to enjoying it sober for once. Quitting weed is actually a birthday gift to myself, it's something I've wanted for a long time but I've also known how hard it was going to be. I think something snapped in me earlier this year and I just decided to stop procrastinating and do it.

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well and staying strong. One thing that's really helped me to sleep is drinking tea with kava kava and or Lotus. Losing out on sleep is probably the shittiest thing the feel when you're going through withdrawal.

Enjoy your night out, you are making some serious progress brother so happy to hear this. Positive energy and love coming your way from me. All the best Alex

[Sightblack]

Was too tired to go out and do anything yesterday, instead I just stayed at home. Crashed out finally at about 8pm and woke up at midnight... took 2 sleeping pills at 3am, crashed out at 7am... phone call woke me up at 8am... back to sleep until about 1. I still feel exhausted this evening, and I had atleast 3 very seperate and very vivid using dreams. I was getting a buzz and everything in my dream. Pretty wild... but also after I got that "buzz" in my dream, I felt like sh** for having thrown away my progress. All 3 times. When I finally got out of bed and realized I hadn't actually smoked anything I felt a lot better about the situation.

Crazy crazy dreams.

[Sightblack]

[Day 16]

Didn't post all weekend. Why? I no longer feel the need to smoke. I have wanted to stop so bad and for so long. I have been offered to smoke countless times with various friends, and on Friday night I almost caved. My friend asked me if I had any wraps... and I had just cleaned my truck out earlier that day and found an unopened pack of wraps underneath my seat. I told him "yes" and went and got them out of my truck. Then he asked if I would roll it for him >_<

I'm a good friend, so I did. It smelled amazing and when I licked the wrap closed, I was having an internal war with myself. I don't want to draw out the suspense too much, but I didn't smoke any. I reasoned with sober me and the good choice was made. I handed him the blunt instead of lighting it for him as I've done countless times.

I spent the majority of this evening at my friend "John's" house. (Out of respect for him we will call him John). John is a swinger and lives a pretty crazy life. He lives with 3 women, married to 1 of them but they are all his "wives". He has a couple of children with each of them. His cousin "Jake" lives with him, and he is also shacking up a 4th lady that has a kid too... ( I have no idea their relationship ). If he volunteers the very complicated inner workings of his life to me, I listen, but if not, I don't ask. Once again, out of respect. At any rate, pretty hectic household, lots of drama... and lo-- all the adults are habitual chronic users. I spent the entire evening there drinking some brews and getting a tat. I can honestly say that I didn't have any urge whatsoever to smoke at any point while I was there. They respect my decision to not smoke and so they would go upstairs to toke up while I was there which I thought was really cool of them to support me like that. I didn't ask them to smoke away from me as I was in their house and I consider myself a very respectful person. "Can you please no smoke weed around me in your house?" Nah... just isn't my style. At any rate, I thought it was really cool of them to support me in that way... and while chewing on that thought in my head, I suddenly realized what a d-bag I've been to some of my friends that were trying to quit in the past. Not only have I blazed up in front of them, but I can remember blowing smoke in their faces and even pressuring the crap out of them. Not cool of me at all. Prior to that thought, I hadn't really ever appreciated anybody smoking out of my vicinity. If I ever do smoke again and one of my friends are trying to quit, I'm going to try to be as respectful as John and his family were to me tonight, as I really never truly considered what its like on the other side. Food for thought.

All my immediate withdrawal symptoms are gone-- with the exception of insomnia. I'm still having a really hard time getting asleep and staying asleep. I'm not laying in bed thinking about how bad I want to get high... I just can't turn my mind off... I've been so used to weed doing that for me I guess. I can probably count on both hands how many hours I have slept since Thursday. I would guess I'm getting about 3-4 hours a night. I haven't crashed hard in several days, even with sleeping pills, I'm just not able to sleep any extended duration.

Sober days and sleepless nights-- but I stand behind my decision to quit.

[asgoodasitgets]

@Sightblack -

Hello my friend and thank you very much for the kind words. I am REALLY happy that you did not cave in when you were rolling your friend a blunt, not that it would be the end of the world or anything. It is such a matter of body versus mind, isn't it? In my intellect I have no desire to smoke anymore. I am done with the paranoia, the crutch, and my habit was to the point where I wasn't even really feeling the positive effects of the herb anymore. I was just addicted (still am; always will be) and could not break my physical and emotional dependence on it.

Today is 2 solid weeks clean, I am so happy, can't even describe it in words. I feel a control and power over my own self that is translating into confidence, hope, and joy. It is evident to both strangers and familiars.

It sounds like you have a good group of friends to support you in your decision. And I totally agree with what you said about not being preachy, I also would never tell somebody to not smoke, especially with my past. Regardless, I do have some friends that I have avoided visiting simply because I know they won't respect my decision and will probably blow smoke in my face or at least hotbox the hell out of me and I'm not really feeling like exposing myself to that yet.

I think the most difficult aspect of quitting is the fact that we've programmed our bodies on a subconscious level to expect these THC injections every so often and now they are reminding us and trying to overpower our intellect with physical urges/reminders. This is already fading though and I have managed to get a little sleep here and there.

I am here to support you in your decision to abstain. You are supported and understood. Reach out if you need anything and I am looking forward to nothing but positive changes to hear about in your life as you progress. One love, Alex.

[Sightblack]

Day 17

Not much to say here except I'm whooping butt and taking names names beating my addictions. Writing that break up letter and writing it from the bottom of my heart might have been what really set me on the straight path. I confessed everything in that letter and said I'm done.

First few days were terrible as I say just about every post... but after day 5 or 6 things become alot more bearable for me.

I keep having "using dreams" and they make me feel like absolutely crap in my dreams. That also empowers me to keep strong and not relapse both with cigarettes and pot.

I was pretty convinced at one point that I may be developing COPD or worse and I was especially convinced after I googled the symptoms... but at this point I don't wake up with coughing fits anymore... I still have a little bit of junk in the bottoms of my lungs and I'm still coughing up black nasty looking crap from my lungs, but I think I feel a little better with every little bit that comes out. 10 solid years of smoking cigs and blunts back to back put alot of strain on my lungs.

I go to bed wheezing when I breath... my lungs would rattle and I was never able to cough it all up. I'm thoroughly convinced that I don't have COPD now though... and my smoker's cough is nearly 100% gone. I feel healthier now that I'm free of weed and pot... I eat less (which is a good thing) I'm slightly overweight for somebody 6'3". I can't eat 2 cheeseburgers in one sitting anymore. I don't think I've been able to finish a full plate of anything since I stopped smoking but I eat until I'm full now and just don't have a desire to engorge myself anymore. I always cleared my plate when I smoked weed. I am noticing lots of little changes like this in my life now and I'm not even 3 weeks clean. The best is yet to come, I'm sure.

My days are so productive now too. I don't even think about getting high or posting on here anymore. I'm going to try to keep posting until day 30, but after that. After that, I will try to pay it forward as much as possible on this forum for any aspiring members.

Good day ladies and gentleman. Time to go lay in bed for a few hours and hopefully fall asleep. lol

Sb out

[Sightblack]

[Day 19]

Slept for 12 hours today. Had some really crazy dreams last night that left me puzzled and confused. Very vivid dreams, but not "using dreams" this time. Just really crazy stuff in general. Think of a Pink Floyd music video-- then you'll be hitting the right notes. No longer have a desire to smoke, appetite is 100% normal. I don't feel overburdened with emotions or anything like that, but I feel like I am more receptive to people in general instead of shutting everybody out.

My wife says I'm alot less moody than I was a week ago. That is a good thing I believe. I was planning on rewarding myself with a new guitar on the 27th, but as life has a way of doing-- that isn't going to happen now. My Harley is in the shop and still not fixed... the bill is up to $950 with no end in sight. It sucks but as Alex told me earlier today, just being able to enjoy my sobriety is a reward in its self, and he is right. I really do enjoy being in control.

I felt like I was in control of my life with weed, but it took me a couple of weeks of being sober to realize how much of a slave I was to weed and cigarettes. It feels good to be free. I drink less soda, I haven't bought sweets since I stopped smoking. We had fast food from Wendy's for dinner tonight, something I was pretty accustomed too when stoned. Just so much easier to grab some quick food than to whip up something in the kitchen.

On side note, I own 27 tarantulas and found that one of my female hapalopus species dropped an eggsac tonight. I tried another pairing with a different female tonight too and we he had a successful insertion in less than 30 minutes! Should have 2 egg sacs in no time! Anybody need some slings? haha

You gotta keep busy guys! That is the key to quitting. Healthy hobbies!

[asgoodasitgets]

@ Sightblack -

Those dreams, always super vivid and generally not very pleasant during the quit phase. Bah Humbug to weird dreams! A Pink Floyd music video, ROFL ?!? I'll have to check one out so I can get an idea of what you're experiencing!

It's great to hear that your appetite is normalizing and that you are craving/ingesting less sugar. It would surely suck to quit smoking herb and gain 20-30 lbs, right? I completely lost my appetite for the first week and it's also finally restoring itself, but my desire for "dirty" foods just isn't there. I've been eating salads and stuff like that, feels good to force the greens through to hopefully clean me out and make me feel better faster. But you can't beat an occasional late-night fast-food session, you gotta enjoy life somehow, right?

It's great that you are receiving positive feedback from your wife, I bet she's really enjoying the extra mental clarity she is observing in her husband. And congratulations on the tarantulas, just keep them far away from my wimpy butt! I would probably scream like a kindergartner if you got one of those too close to me.

It sounds like you are at a very healthy place in your recovery. It was your break-up letter to weed/cigs that was one of the final breaking points for me, my friend, so please know how far away your personal sentiments have made an impact. It's amazing to think that something as simple as letters, arranged specifically to convey an emotion and thought, can change a life or outlook. And that is just what we know from having talked....I wonder how many others have read these posts/thoughts that we will never hear from! Crazy, huh?

Alright bro, you got this! Keep up the good work, man. Let me ask you, 3 weeks ago, did you ever think you'd make it this far....? Proud of you!

-Alex

[Sightblack]

Day 21 -- My last post

As I sit here, I'm listening to "Better Off With the Blues" by Delbert McClinton. I'm sure he wrote this song about me and Mary Jane. I know someday I'll wake up and these blues will be gone. I'll forget about you and how everything went wrong, but if you had have stayed, I'd be dead in my tracks. I still love you baby, but I don't want you back. I am better off with the blues.

If you would have told me 22 days ago I wasn't going to smoke weed or cigarettes anymore I would have laughed in your face, but now I realize I'm better off. I don't feel any smarter (from not smoking weed), I don't think I have gained any intelligence or inhibitions that were previously impaired. What I do feel... are my emotions in a more pure and full experience. I don't hate weed, it helped me through some difficult times and adjustments in the last 10 or 11 years. I don't remember when it stopped being medicinal for me, but I know do know that I don't need it anymore. My kids don't deserve it, my wife doesn't deserve it, and I don't deserve it. I feel like I've untaken a massive healing in the last 3 weeks. I previously thought I had a smokers cough and possibly even COPD, but not anymore. My coughing and hacking are nearly 100% gone.

Basically as Delbert McClinton says: I'll know just what to say when somebody asks about you: "Yeah, we had our good times, but I think I'm better off with the blues."

Alot of folks on this forum have been detrimental to my success. I can't thank each and every one of you enough for every word you've shared with me. I'm grateful for life again. I didn't feel like I was ungrateful when I was stoned, but now that I'm off of the devil's lettuce it has given me a newfound interest in being sober. I feel like I've pissed the last 10 years away and I can't change that... but I'm going to keep moving forward from here. Once you have hit rock bottom there is only one direction to go.

If you are reading this and considering undertaking the whole ordeal of quitting, I highly encourage you to start your own thread on this forum. Write whatever comes to you. It doesn't matter if your 12 or 98. The time is now, and only YOU can make that decision. It is a difficult path to walk and it will not be easy, but you will be absolutely thankful that you did it and the reward of sobriety is amazing. It has been a pipe-dream for me for too long, but NO LONGER! I recommend starting with a breakup letter / confession. Be brutally honest with yourself. After you read what you have written, it will help you to not only digest some problems you may be struggling with, but also it will help put things into perspective for you. It did for me.

I broke what was left of my stash up today in to halfs and gave half of it away to a friend. I'm going to give the other half to my mom at the nearest opportune time. 22 days ago, I would've told you it will be a cold day in hell when you catch me giving away weed and wax. Well ladies and gents, it appears hell has frozen over.

As stated earlier, this will be my last post in my thread. I will still pop onto this site and try to pay it forward from time to time because I feel like that is what I owe to the community for your outstanding support and encouragement. I'd like to especially thank you Alex. You are an inspirational person. You bleed and sweat encouragement.

Sb out.
(-.-)y

[asgoodasitgets]

@ Dammit SightBlack, you will be missed here. Looking forward to having you pop in randomly and tell us how awesome you are doing. It was after I read your break-up letter with weed that I was finally convinced to stop this madness. Your words and insights tipped me over the edge, so thank you my friend. I wish you and your family happiness, health, longevity, success, fulfillment, grace, and hope. Based on our interactions, I know you got this! Good luck and please do remember to come back and spread the love!!!! Your buddy in the trenches.... -Alex