Sober and Somber after a decade

#15

Postby Sightblack » Fri Feb 02, 2018 11:09 am

papadoc wrote:Hey Sight,
Am glad to know that you have been able to hold on to the struggle to day 6. You are indeed a strong man. It took me about 30 futile attempts to quit weed before I devised a means...learning that in order to successfully give up on a habit, sometimes you have to replace it with another, so I resumed drinking which I had quit a year before. So somehow I managed to quit weed and am now 3months clean.
Lucky for you, it seems the habits you are adopting to occupy your weed time are healthy habits, cleaning up, fixing your ride, all being some sort of exercise to take you out of the chill zone that weed places most of us in. You are lucky too it seems, you have not experienced serious withdrawal symptoms like memory lapses, intense headaches, serious mood swings, that I am still dealing with even after 3 months.
Quitting is a continous struggle and no matter how strong the urge to take a J, we should always keep reminding ourselves of why we decided to quit in the first place.


You make some good points papadoc. I would like to agree with you and say that I haven't experienced severe weed withdrawals... but it couldn't be further from the truth. Here we are... 3am... I took 3 sleeping pills an hour ago and sleep just isn't finding me tonight. I have made several attempts to quit weed in the past but never made it past a day or 2. This time, it was a combination of a lot of things that really helped me to make the decision. I'm very greatful that I've been able to replace the craving so easily and you are right when you say it helps to replace one addiction with another. I've dipped probably 1.5 tins of copenhagen everyday since I started trying to quit weed, and normally I dont dip near that much. It is really important for me not to put anything else into my lungs for a while.... and not to put THC into my body for a good long while. I have a severely addictive personality and as stated earlier: I don't ever want to feel like I feel right now again. It is a terrible feeling, but I remind myself constantly that I'm doing it not only for me but for my wife and 2 small children too. Smoking anywhere from 800-1200 bucks per month... that is a house payment man. I don't deserve to smoke a house payment every month.

I've never been serious enough about quitting to give away my stash and paraphernalia. It was always just too hard to give up something I paid for. This time however, on day 3, I gave away all of my wax and weed to a friend. I gave him my grinder and a few mason jars I used to keep weed in. I have never been serious/willing enough about quitting to take that step. I've never really REALLY TRULY wanted to quit until a few days ago. It was a hard decision and it took a decade of wasting my time to make that decision, but I keep reminding myself what a good decision it is in so many ways. I make damn good money right now (obviously to support such a serious habit) but I still feel like I will be able to give so much more to my family.

I had a brief discussion with my wife earlier today about how much time not smoking weed will free up in my day. The way I figure it, I was smoking 4-10 blunts per day. Takes about 30-45 minutes for me to smoke a doob, multiplied by 4-10. It adds up to like 5-8 hours per day I am smoking! Absurd!

Just today alone, I've accomplished soooo much without weed and I have so much more energy to spare. I got my college stuff straightened out, I scheduled a long overdue appointment with the VA, I cleaned the house, I went food shopping, I took my harley to the shop for a long overdue voltage regulator swap, I made an awesome breakfast and dinner for my fam (only had appetite for dinner), registered my wife's vehicle at the DMV, and went to the bar tonight to drink with a few friends. Got home 2 hours ago, took some sleeping pills and still can't sleep!

To stop smoking pot is among the most challenging things I've done in my life. I just keep reminding myself that I don't need it. I don't think there is anyway in hell I could have stopped smoking weed a year ago or even a month ago. I feel like it was a decision that I matured into just very recently. I also don't feel like there is any chance I will fail at this point. I can't. I have too many people I stand to let down if I fail.

I really hope you can stand tall with me and make that same decision. You don't need it anymore, that's why your reading this.

Godspeed on a new chapter in your life brother.
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#16

Postby asgoodasitgets » Fri Feb 02, 2018 6:46 pm

@ Sightblack -

Hell yes, brother! Keep up the good work and thank you for your posts. 8)

You mention in your post that quitting herb is one of the hardest things you've ever done. That's a testament considering you served, I imagine that is challenging as well. Thank you for your service BTW. :)

You also mention that you were not in a mental space to quit, even a month ago. Would you kindly elaborate on what brought you to the crossroads? Did you try to quit unsuccessfully in the past?

I can't state how incredibly helpful and motivational your posts have been, along with others in the community.

You are right that people come here for a reason, looking for help and hope. That's the reason I started a thread and am moving my private journal online, in hopes that others may find strength. I hope this finds you well, my man! :) Kudos!

All the best,

Alex
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#17

Postby Sightblack » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:59 pm

asgoodasitgets wrote:@ Sightblack -

You also mention that you were not in a mental space to quit, even a month ago. Would you kindly elaborate on what brought you to the crossroads? Did you try to quit unsuccessfully in the past?

Alex


I did try to quit a few times unsuccesfully, but they were extremely weak attempts and my heart was not really following that decision like it does now. I could say that I wanted to quit, but in my heart I did not want to quit. You really do have to make that decision. For me, it just because "enough is enough". I'm tired of weed ruling my life with an iron fist.

I have "wanted" to quit for quite a while. My dad always beats me up about being a pothead and tells me I need to think about my kids (in a loving way not a prick way) but he is very persistent in his loving ways. He always makes sure I know exactly what I am and exactly who I stand to let down. He is a man I hold tremendous respect for. I also have a 3yo son and a 1yo daughter who love me dearly. I can't imagine the worst case scenario of being locked up for any amount of time without seeing my children. I don't even understand how people can be crappy parents honestly because I've never felt a love like the love I feel for my children. My wife of 6 years (first marriage ended in 07 while I was still in the marines) has seen me through thick and thin. We did one deployment apart from each other, and that was my bad deployment during OEF-10 and OEF-11.

I came back from country with a lot of problems and a weed habit. Me and the guys on my team smoked hashish pretty much everyday. I am fluent enough in dari/farsi/pashtuun to be able to get pretty much whatever I wanted. We smoked before and after missions and all the time in between. The majority of the 28 guys on my team also like to use vitamin S. Steroids. I myself cycled during both of my deployments with stuff like Deca, Dbol, Anastrol, Winstrol... Some of the stuff I bought from friends... while some of the stuff I ordered online from places like 24pharma. I honestly can't even remember the names of everything I was injecting and taking orally.

At any rate, I came back home with a lot of anxiety and paranoia. Pretty bad sleep patterns too. It was a big adjustment for me and I don't think I could have made that adjustment without the help of marijuana. I do firmly believe and advocate medicinal marijuana... but for someone like me with an already highly addictive personality, it was inevitable that I form a dependency. I went through my channels of the VA and seen 2 different shrinks for a couple of years. I got prescribed all kinds of pills that just felt like they were lobotomizing me.

When I pre-10 years old, my grandma's neighbor's husband was a Vietnam vet and boy was that guy scary. I seen him many times sneaking around his house in the dark with a shotgun or hiding under his porch at night. He always checking behind all the doors, closets, and under the beds before he went to bed. Just a really scary guy. I never had problems that severe. Insomnia was really my worst symptom and still is. I'm loads better than I was years ago, but some things stick with you. I used to lay in bed for long periods of time at night just trying to turn my mind off so I could go to sleep. Getting to sleep and staying asleep was my biggest problem and marijuana seemed to fit right into the puzzle.

As my problems have lessened in intensity, my dependency on marijuana got worse... not better. I find myself doing a wake 'n' bake everyday straight out of bed.... rolling blunts. Gotta get high before I leave the house. Gotta take weed with me so I can get high while I'm gone. Gotta get high before we go to the restaurant. Gotta get high after I eat. Gotta get high before bedtime. Can't sleep, gotta get out of bed and get high again.

Man honestly, I was getting to the point where I don't even really get a buzz anymore. I call it "chasing the purple dragon" when you just trying to get as high as you got the first time you smoked weed. I can smoke blunts back-to-back-to-back until my lungs are wheezing... and still only have a mild buzz. I have concentrated oils here too, which I routinely coat on the inside of my blunt wraps... I mean... when is enough enough?

All that aside, lets look at making some money now. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, just being a user of marijuana already sets you back drastically in terms of what work you can safely perform (according to society). I've had to supplement my income by building a logistical network to peddle weed. Now, not only is weed consuming the bulk of my time, screwing me out of good paying work, but now to supplement my income I have to do criminal activity... and with 2 kids and a wonderful wife, I'm not super fond of breaking the law.

My health was also starting to take a hit Alex. I wake up every day and cough... and cough.... and cough. I thought I had a permanent smoker's cough until I stopped smoking weed 6 days ago. I even thought I might have had COPD or something equally undesirable. My lungs were hurting all the time. I was coughing all the time too. I've woke our kids of from naps so many times cause I couldn't contain my coughing or get outside in time. Luckily for me, I know my lungs are fine now. I don't have COPD or even a smoker's cough! It only took a few days of no weed and no cigarettes to figure that out. Bottom line is: I wanna see my kids grow up.

I'm sorry for this super lengthy post Alex, but you ask a really complicated and difficult question of me. I've tried my best to give you insight into everything that I considered which led me to the decision of quitting.

Enough about me though. I've got this weed thing whooped and I haven't even broke day 7. I'm going to go find your post and give you some support now.
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#18

Postby asgoodasitgets » Fri Feb 02, 2018 11:49 pm

@Sightblack - thank you for your response and please, don't ever apologize for a lack of brevity. :) I appreciate your words as they truly give me strength. Thank you.

That's cool that your dad would lovingly nag you a little bit. My parents, who I also respect deeply, have done the same to me for quite some time. It would always annoy me because I knew they spoke truth in regards to my personal relationship with the dank.

I also convinced myself that I already had COPD or DEFINITELY would get it. I didn't care though. I wanted to keep smoking. I had resorted to the idea that I would just have to deal with respiratory issues...that's sad.

Just like you, I always needed to be high. I always had some kind of herb-related accessory in my pocket. It did not matter the event or the attendees so long as I had a way to "medicate." When I was consolidating all my stoner sh** yesterday, I could not believe how many accessories I had. I must have packed away $500 worth of portable vapes and sh**. Looking at it all kind of made me sick. It wasn't the herb, it was my lack of self-discipline and my abuse of the plant. Plenty of my friends smoke, they can handle their sh**. I can't. It's all good.

Keep up the fight, brother! I will keep supporting you as you journey onward!

Alex
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#19

Postby Sightblack » Sun Feb 04, 2018 3:11 am

[Day 7]

I've been excited to pass this milestone for quite sometime (the last 6 days to be exact haha). It is a very small milestone, but at the same time a huge leap forward for me. After days 3 and 4, life became a lot more bearable. I wasn't able to sleep until 10am this morning. I was literally up all night. I spent like an hour laying in bed, got up watched some youtube, spent like another hour in the dark laying on the couch and was finally like F it and just decided to stay up until I crashed. My wife woke me up at 4pm (hints the evening update) with dinner ready! Dang I love that woman.

My days are more bearable. I still have a small part of my soul that pines to get stoned but my cravings are completely manageable now. Monotony and down-time are still a little weird for me. It's like I been doing this thing at my desk for the last 10 years, and now suddenly it feels weird to sit at my desk and not do that thing. I will find things to fill that empty space in time.

:twisted: :twisted: 3 more weeks until my wife owes me a new guitar! I've already got it picked out! :twisted: :twisted:
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#20

Postby asgoodasitgets » Sun Feb 04, 2018 3:36 am

@ Sightblack -

I wouldn't consider it a "small" milestone. Quitting is hard, especially when you've been married to the herb for so long. Congratulations, be proud of yourself and enjoy your one-week victory. I experienced the same thing last night man, took an OTC sleep-aid and got really tired but I just couldn't get "comfortable" enough to pass out. I think I fell asleep from about 5am-10am but I woke up feeling tired and like death. :evil: :twisted:

Glad to hear your are doing well. What kind of guitar are you gonna grab bro? What kind of music do you listen to, like, write?

Keep up the good work, Jefe! Blessings to you and your family.

Alex
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#21

Postby Sightblack » Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:54 am

Day 8 (past midnight so bleeding over into day 9)

Like I said in a previous post, down-time and monotony is one of the most challenging things to deal with while maintaining sobriety. With that said-- I bought my wife a playstation game "Shadow of War". It is another lord of the rings installment. I was expecting a generic god of war type game... lots of hack'n'slash type stuff. Boy was I wrong! I found my new addiction! I haven't played a game this polished and well put together in a very long time. I can't believe that game only got 7/10!!! WTF!? At any rate, if you game at all, highly highly recommend this game. Many reviews stated it has 50+ hours of solid gameplay. I'm loving it. Haven't even thought about weed today.

Not only that, but I got some wrenching done on my truck today. It is falling apart faster than I can put it together and its still not running. U joints 3 weeks ago. Alternator last week and it looks like my starter is bad now. I love my fords! This picture isn't meant to offend anybody and I'm not a racist-- It is pentagram stars and a potleaf in the middle. I'm a hillbilly from Tennessee. At any rate, feast your eyes on my beloved truck:

[url][url=https://ibb.co/cjU1MH]Image[/url][/url]

asgoodasitgets wrote:@ Sightblack - What kind of guitar are you gonna grab bro? What kind of music do you listen to, like, write?Alex


Get me started about music or guns, I won't stfu. I'm a blues man. I love my stoner rock too though... I've been on a big Travis Meeks kick lately. Love my Hank Sr, Jr, and 3.

I've got the SRV "No. 1" replica picked out for her to buy. I'm not going to get the one that costs a boatload of money cause I already have expensive guitars. Instead, I've found a very modestly priced Chinese fake that I want. Getting the fake fender guitar will make gutting and customizing a lot easier than ripping into a brand new fender replica from the factory. I suspect the tone will be lacking due to Chinese hardware so I will literally gut everything out of it and do it my way just like my other guitars.

1986 Jackson Charvel Model "C"
2006 Martin Grand Concert "00CXAE"
2005 Fender Mexican Strat (Everything is aftermarket except the wood and paint)
1969-70 Hondo Acoustic
1974 Mosrite Mark V-II
2007 Rogue Acoustic
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#22

Postby asgoodasitgets » Mon Feb 05, 2018 12:54 pm

@ Sightblack -

A little Stevie Ray Vaughan, huh, no shocker for a Tennessee man :) You have some heavy duty equipment...random thought...remember that Crossroads movie with the kid from Karate Kid? It had that epic guitar duel @ the end where he has to beat the devil @ guitar.....so amazingly cheesy....back when I was serious about playing I learned that whole guitar solo the Karate Kid uses to defeat him. I can remember the notes still....just can't play them worth sh**.

Nice looking guitar and truck. That landscape looks very similar to where I live (Pacific Northwest).

sh** man, the insomnia is hitting me big time these days, so I am up trolling on your thread, reading for motivation. Not feeling weak, just annoyed that I am physically tired but have been tossing for 5 hours awake.... I need to grab some video games.

Thanks for replying in my thread consistently. I hope you keep checking in post 30 days! :)

All the best, kind sir. I am making another attempt at passing out for a few hours.
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#23

Postby Sightblack » Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:39 pm

[Officially Day 9]

A little Stevie Ray Vaughan, huh, no shocker for a Tennessee man :) You have some heavy duty equipment...random thought...remember that Crossroads movie with the kid from Karate Kid? It had that epic guitar duel @ the end where he has to beat the devil @ guitar.....so amazingly cheesy....back when I was serious about playing I learned that whole guitar solo the Karate Kid uses to defeat him. I can remember the notes still....just can't play them worth sh**.


Yeah I know the Steve Via lick your talking about. It is called Eugene's trick bag. I never learned the whole piece but I learned a couple of the pentatonics and sweeps just to add them to my repertoire. I live in WA, about 45 minute ferry ride from Seattle. Grab that shadow of war game... I'm telling you it will be the best game you have bought in a long time. I <3 it! If you like the blues-- Look up "Starter won't start" by Justine Townes Earle. Make sure you watch the hotel performance as it is much better than the studio version.

At any rate, all of my symptoms are gone except my sleeping. My sleeping is still funky. My wife lays in bed and falls asleep in a couple of minutes. I've never had that luck. Takes me some tossing and turning. Flipping the blankets off, and then putting them back on. I haven't had any crazy dreams except that very first one on like day 2 or 3. I guess it's like my daddy always said: "Plenty of time to sleep when you're dead."

Going to change my starter on my truck today ironically. lol
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#24

Postby Haabefuld » Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:20 pm

Hi sightblack

Been following your post and just wanted to drop in to say hi and applaud you for doing so well.

And to give a little advice on how I deal with insomnia. For me the trick has been to not be bothered about it. I was at first, but I read on another post that rather than lying there and getting worked up about getting no sleep, you have to accept it and not care. I know that seems easier than it sounds but it has really worked for me.
I just get up and try again later. Use the awake time to do stuff like read or something similar. And realizing missing sleep wont kill you.
Trying not to obsess about it and just know that if its really bad one day and you dont get any sleep, you are almost sure to crash the next night. Also concentrating only on your breath and trying to empty your mind from any other thought is good.
I've come so far now that I even nap in the afternoon and still sleep at night 7-8 hours.
Hope you'll sleep better soon.

Best wishes from Haabefuld
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#25

Postby Sightblack » Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:15 am

I appreciate your advise on sleep Haabefuld. I will give it a try tonight.

Day 9

I asked my wife today if she thought I was doing "exceptionally well and staying upbeat". She laughed at me and said I am doing great. She also told me I been going through pretty heavy mood swings and i've been very irritable and snappy with her. She said I'm upbeat and happy one minute and the next minute I'm cussing and flipping tables. I guess I thought I was doing better than I actually was. I asked her for an example and she showed me the dent I fisted into my truck yesterday while changing the starter solenoid.

Point taken lady. -.-

At any rate, I'm going to try harder to act right.
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#26

Postby asgoodasitgets » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:06 pm

@ Sightblack

Just popping into your thread to check on you buddy? You getting any sleep lately? How you feeling?

-Alex
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#27

Postby Sightblack » Thu Feb 08, 2018 3:53 am

asgoodasitgets wrote:@ Sightblack

Just popping into your thread to check on you buddy? You getting any sleep lately? How you feeling?

-Alex



[Day 11]

Haven't been posting the last 2 days, spent all day with the family and all night with the bar last night. Spent the better part of the morning hammered. lol. Still ain't sleeping worth a crap. My core temperature has pretty well leveled out and I'm no longer sweating like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Still not sleeping though! UGH! I was going to go to the bar today after I stopped at the bike shop to check on my harley... but I was like F it... too tired... went home.

There is something bittersweet about refraining from getting high. I know I'd feel better short term, but I just don't want to throw away my hard earned progress. I've came further in the last 11 days that I have in the past 10 years. I say things like that to myself for reassurance mentally and sometimes aloud. I tell myself that I don't even want to get high. I tell myself the urges are gone... they aren't gone, they just aren't overwhelming as if I smoked a few hours ago.

More in 11 days than I've done in 10 years!

Sb out
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#28

Postby asgoodasitgets » Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:06 am

@Sightblack -

An old workout partner of mine used to tell me: "The routine doesn't get easier, we just get stronger." Two hundred pounds is always 200 pounds, a fixed numerical value that will never change. What changes is our bodies strength and ability to handle the workload, through hard work and conditioning of course.

I think it's the same with herb. It will get easier and easier to refuse. I believe you will miss it less and less, especially as we climb out of the WD and toward some real peace of mind. I'm also exhausted so I am keeping this short. Proud of you, bro! :)
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#29

Postby Sightblack » Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:37 am

[Day 12]

My made it to my birthday! 100% sober. Gonna keep on keeping on... even though I haven't slept since yesterday. I'm tired as hell but decided to stay up in hopes of crashing hard tonight... though I could potentially find myself at the bar tonight doing what I do best.

At any rate-- chugging along. Progress is slow and not linear at all. One spoonful at a time, and never take more than you can chew. Stoked to break 2 weeks, and even more stoked for the 27th to roll around so I can get that new guitar! Mmhmm!
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