How weed almost ruined my life.

[anastasiawilson]

(Day 2 of quitting for me)

I apologize for such a long post in advance


Hey everyone.

First of all, I would like to say I’m more than happy to have found this forum. I am an introvert myself and I was always sceptical about talking to people online or sharing my thoughts, because ‘’nobody cares’’ - at least what my mind keeps telling me.

It is just extremely nice and uplifting reading other people’s stories that are so similar to your own. Or just stories that give you hope and motivation to do the same things and realise that quitting something addictive is not the end of the world and the bad days will pass.

So I’ve been thinking about quitting weed for over 6 months now, mostly because of financial reasons at first (I’m a 21 year old student living far away from home). Then came the health - it got worse, my asthma progressed and weed didn’t seem to make things any better, obviously.

Then many other reasons came. Guess the reasons that drive most of us to quit this addiction - psychological. I don’t even know where to begin, but I imagine many experience just the same.

I was always a lazy person, it was a challenge for me to even clean my room, even though I am a girl and supposed to be all tidy and stuff so that’s when the contradictions hit as well when it comes to smoking weed. In no way I am saying it is more acceptable for guys to smoke weed and girls should be shamed for that, this is just how I PERSONALLY felt.

This laziness however only progressed day by day as I smoked almost 24/7. Every SINGLE DAY I would sit down, light up another joint, write a plan for healthier eating, for exercising, I was trying to plan my daily activities in my diary, I was trying to be more organised. Until the next day came, which was supposed to be the day I become ‘’new me’’. However, it never happened.

With every new day all my habits stayed the same, I was eating like sh**, and so bad that I am even ashamed to go in details, but to make things short… I would literally eat sweets and pasty and carbs all day long. After few months I started feeling it on my body… I had so much less energy than before, my skin was terrible, I gained a bit of weight, which was not that much, so again… **** health, if I am not getting fat from it - let’s just continue eating like sh**…

So that’s how it kept going. Every single damn day…I would build great plans on how to be a better person, on how to live healthier and stop this procrastination…

But again - never happened.

So it all led to even worse feelings - feeling like a piece of sh** who is not able to get out of bed to shower for 2 days, because its the weekend and I’m just lazy, lighting up a joint in bed all day.

Not even ashamed, yes, it all happened.

This is already getting to a long story, but I have to mention the most critical point.. I really noticed that I turned from an introvert to a socially awkward person with constant anxiety. I was scared of people. Of everyone. I was scared to go outside to the shop, because I felt like everybody is just staring at me and judging me, as if they know that this girl didn’t shower for 2 days because she was too busy laying in bed smoking joints

However, I must mention - I am not just doing nothing. I DJ and produce music, every single day. So I would smoke a lot of weed and spend 5+ hours on my laptop doing music. This is also one of the struggles - I am afraid I’m not going to be as creative as I am with weed - without it. But I guess I just have to wait and see and stop being scared of that.

I feel like weed destroyed me as a person, yes, I’ll go as far as saying that. I started smoking when I was 17 (4 years ago), and smoke every day for the past 3 years. I can’t really compare myself now with who I was when I was 17, because I was still a teenager and VERY different, having no idea whatsoever how this world functions or never even having the idea to go spiritual and maybe try and see what kind of person I am…

I lost myself, I feel lost. I feel a huge blur in my brain, I feel like all my memories are gone, that things that happened to me in life (especially good things) is just something I saw on TV but never experienced myself. It’s horrible. I forget things, small things everyday, when my entire life I’ve been praised by my parents and teachers for my phenomenal memory back then.

I almost don’t get out of the house apart from school and work, and every time I go to a party I feel the need to smoke a bit before to be able to talk to people. UNTIL THE MOMENT I REALIZED IT WAS TOTALLY OPPOSITE. I have proper conversations when I’m sober, I talk what I think and I don’t overthink about things. When high - its messed up…. I judge every word I say.

ANYWAY…

Sorry for making it so long, this is the first time in my life I share something to the internet, so I guess I bursted out..


Today is day 2 for me without weed. And I can definitely say it’s hell. My head feels like it’s being squeezed, my body is so tense that I want to get out of it… I can’t concentrate on anything today, so I even had to stay at home to just relax and try to rest.

I read so many amazing stories here on how people quit weed and their experiences and I just felt joy, somewhat… realizing that I’m not alone, and even though my brain keeps whispering that nobody cares, I care enough to write this and say thank you to everybody who has shared their Stories and inspired me in a way that allowed me to understand that this shitty withdrawal period will be over.

Im proud. Very. I tried quitting for months… and I know its only day 2, but it is the first time I actually realised why I am doing it, and the first time I ACTUALLY felt ‘’YES, I want to quit, its time’’ and not just wished to quit without strong motivation.

Thank you if you read the whole thing
Im gonna try to post my progress, I think it could be really helpful to me, feeling that now i’ve shared this story and I gotta keep it up and not give up.

Wish you all a good day/evening/night wherever you are in the world.

[Sightblack]

You go girl. I'm on day 2 just like you, and my first time sharing with the internet this morning as well. My post is a couple below yours. You should feel really good that it didn't take you a decade to sober up.

I'm in your exact boat. I haven't ate or slept much. My head is bumping too... but I've made the decision and it sounds like you have too. I've drawn a lot of strength from others posts this morning-- mind you I'm still weak af.

[anastasiawilson]

My post is a couple below yours.

yeah, I think I read your post too. thanks for your reply.
I can say im also feeling very weak now, every minute i just wanna get dressed, go to the ATM and buy another bag... but no. It's only the withdrawals that make it seem impossible to stop, but once we understand that our body just needs a bit of time to adapt and it's gonna get better - it helps. I try to view it as being sick now.. and sickness goes away.

Good luck to you and I know we can do it!

[Haabefuld]

Hi there
I'm on day 8 now of quitting, so I can easily relate to your post.

It's almost creepy how much we have in common. I am also a very lazy person that is not good at keeping my home neat. But not lazy when it comes to working. I'm a music teacher with a very creative soul, and in the old days I was also sure quitting would kill my creativity. From previous quits, I can tell you, that fortunately, the creativity returns. It lies in your soul/brain/body and is not lost, only just temporarily.
Another thing we have in common is the great memory, which is not so great anymore. As a kid I was like a living walking encyclopedia, and could remember everything I ever heard. Like being able to remember entire conversations word by word years after I had them. A million song lyrics by heart and many other things. This I've lost, and not sure it will ever come back

My problem has not been quitting, I've tried that many times. The problem is to not start up again when I'm doing good and think I deserve a prize for being so good. I think I can somehow magically control it, but I've done it too many times now and know that I can't. So hopefully I'm smart enough now to leave it forever.

I'm just so tired of being a slave to this drug needing it in the morning, before teaching a class, when I have recess, when I'm driving, when I'm sad, when I'm glad, when I'm alone, when I have guests, before bed, just all the time...
Not being able to travel or spend some days with your family without worrying about getting by without or sneaking off somewhere. So enslaved by this drug I've smuggled it in to Egypt once on holiday, which would have given me years in prison, had I been caught. That's just pure crazy...

So when I was going to visit my sister in England for two days this weekend, I decided to quit once again a couple of days before leaving and then staying sober. Because I found this forum I actually think I can pull it off this time. I want my freedom (and money) back!

Let's keep in touch in here since we aren't many days apart, maybe we can support each other

[anastasiawilson]

Hello Haabefuld

Congrats on 8 days mark! I believe it is your time to succeed. For some it takes several failures to reach the goal and it is just how it is. I can't know for sure I'm gonna quit 100%, but it's the belief and the certainty in your decision that helps along the way!

Haha, the Egypt story gave me a smile.. )) you must be very brave to have tried something like that!

I'm glad you're saying this about creativity.. after all, I realized I was musical since birth so it was always there.. it's just the feeling that weed gave us I guess. Weed helps to put other everyday stress and worrying on the back of our head for a while allowing us to concentrate on the creative process more.. that's something that I'm guessing makes it feel like we are extra creative under the influence.

It's gonna be nice to keep in touch. I'm amazed by technology, even tho it's been around for so long. I live in the country where every second person you meet smokes + the language barrier, since I'm a foreign student here. so it's nearly impossible for me to find any support here, like support groups or something like that.. and it's wonderful that we have the opportunity to talk to people who go through the same thing all over the world

I'm always happy to chat and since you're just a bit further than me in the progress, I might be very motivated by that

Let us have a good sober day!

[Haabefuld]

Thanks so much Anastasia for your reply. Feels amazing to share this quitting attempt with someone who understands what's going on. The only ones around me that knows about it are my husband and a very close friend. No one from family and work never even knew that I smoked heavily and daily for the last 17 years give or take. I've been very good at hiding it and very used to leading a double life.
I'm tired of all the secrecy and it feels good not having to sneak off all the time. In a way I do miss it a little though, guess it's been a habit for so long.

The times I'm most afraid to slip up and smoke again, is when I'm alone at home. That's where it's the hardest to control my urges and cravings.
But every time a craving washes over me, I now just go to this forum or a similar Danish one (I'm Danish) and then I get totally distracted and reading peoples' stories gives me back the control.

Hope you are doing okay, tell me how you are feeling if you want to.

Best wishes from Haabefuld (Hopeful)

[anastasiawilson]

Hey again Haabefuld

How are you feeling in general now? like physically.

That's very very cool, I live in Denmark, tho I'm not danish snakker lidt dansk også

I feel the same way.. I spent all the time at work and with my boyfriend the last few days and today I went home and all I can think about is getting high. Although, what helps me the most is remembering those horrible horrible horrible days right after quitting, makes me never want to start again.. it wasn't a nightmare.

I could suggest gym! Bought a membership yesterday, it helps me with insomnia, gets me exhausted and helps to fall asleep. Also - just the general good feeling, when you aren't truly proud of yourself like "look at me, I quit weed and working out" plus, it helps to get out the toxins out of your body faster

Try to think what could be the activity for you to replace smoking a joint at home. Maybe a walk - that also helps me personally, getting some fresh air, taking a slow walk with my boyfriend.

I have a similar situation about not telling anyone. 1. Not a lot of people even know I smoke. 2. Those who know how much of a stoner I was would probably say "pfffft yeah right, YOU quit"

Hope you're doing well! And what an awesome coincidences how close we are

Wishing all the best, lets keep in touch

Venlig hilsen fra Aalborg

[Haabefuld]

Hej Anastasia

I'm doing okay both physically and mentally. My physical wd symptoms are: hot/cold flashes, very bad tinitus, restlessness, fatigue, night sweat
Mental wd symptoms: irritability, occasional brain fog, uncomfortable dreams, cravings, mild depressionlike symptoms, feeling wound up tight

During my first attempts to quit I found all of these symptoms really horrible and almost unbearable. However now, since I know what's coming, it doesn't feel as bad as the previous attempts. Actually for me the worst thing is the irritability and loss of my normally good patience suddenly lashing out at people I care about like my husband or pupils. It makes me feel so guilty afterwards, and I try to control my temper as good as I can.

Later when it's just PAWS, the worst ting is the depressionlike mood/ feeling numb. I've never had anxiety issues like many others.

You are right about going to the gym. It does help. Last time I quit I gained 20 kg because of replacing smoking with eating, and then I started smoking again and got the munchies and gained 15 kg more, so 35 kg in a year. Oh man I felt so bad. Not only did I fail quitting, it also cost me 35 kg weight gain. I've now lost 10 of those, and I know that I have to be careful not to do the same ting all over again. My appetite just increases so much after quitting. I also have Crohn's disease maybe that has something to do with it I dont know.

For activities to do to replace smoking I read, colour, watch tv, work, walk the dog, go for a ride on my icelandic horse, so I feel that I have a fulfilling life, but I also did all of these things while smoking.


Does your boyfriend smoke? My husband doesn't and I'm so thankful for that. It makes it so much easier. My best friend does and it's hard, because it feels like it's somehow missing when we are together. Last time I quit so did she and that was great, but we also kind of got each other fired up to smoke again after 5 1/2 months so that wasnt so good. This time she hasnt quit and we dont see each other often.


Your post has been the first I ever replied to, I dont know what made me reply to it, maybe it was because of the similarity in interests. Maybe it was destiny or something, but it's kind if freaky that we find out that we live in the same country and even the same city (I'm also in Aalborg)

Have a great day, and hope to hear from you soon

Best wishes from Haabefuld

[asgoodasitgets]

@ Anastasia -

Congratulations and keep up the good work. Like Haabefuld said, knowing what to expect is very helpful so you aren't caught off-guard by the withdrawal symptoms. It's cool that you make music. I also like to play with electronic music and I can assure you that the creativity lies in your soul/heart, not anywhere else. As you start feeling better your desire to produce should get stronger and stronger. I am actually thinking that quitting weed will allow me to work on music more. Everybody says you need to find a replacement activity or hobby for weed and production will absolutely be part of mine. It's funny, but so many nights I have watched production and music tutorials on YouTube in an attempt to increase my skills. I remember thinking often, wow, it would be amazing if I could actually remember what was being taught. I mean, I was understanding the concepts but really didn't feel like I was "digesting" the information as well as I could have had I been sober. My first couple days I had no desire to fire up my DAW, but now I am finally thinking....I can finish a song.

Small world. Total sidetrack, but what are your favorite albums? One of mine currently is Worlds by Porter Robinson. Makes me high on melody.

All the best,

Alex

[anastasiawilson]

Hello again Haabefuld,

I haven't answered in a while, it was a tough weekend. Feeling very depressed... My life is not the best at the moment. I have been kicked out of the university (hence I lost my SU, you should be familiar with that ) and now I am struggling to even pay my bills or find any kind of job... Not smoking makes it even harder as I realize weed was a way for me to relax from all that stress...

How are you doing?

I am glad to hear that you have things to do to replace smoking. But I understand how you feel, many things that I think my helpful to me now - I used to do them while smoking...

I feel like im finally better physically, I manage to get more than 1 hour of sleep per night and my headache fades away. It is the psychological side right now - pure desire to get high. But to be honest, remembering the feeling of fuzzy and foggy head and feeling sleepy and lazy - kind of helps to not want to smoke again.

My boyfriend smoked only with me, basically took 2-3 puffs from a joint I then finished by myself. So it really helps that he is now very supportive to me. However, I suffer from horrible mood changes since I quit and I can see how it influences him... and he doesn't deserve it.

May I ask you what is it you do? Teaching? if you feel like - you can always text me on private messages.


I am glad you felt like replying to me. As I mentioned before, this is also the first time I ever post on the forum as such and it feels wonderful getting some responses and keeping the conversation with someone.

Anyway, sorry I disappeared for so long, it is a very rough time for me financially

Hope you are doing great and didn't forget about this post yet. Hope to hear form you soon

[anastasiawilson]

I also like to play with electronic music and I can assure you that the creativity lies in your soul/heart, not anywhere else.

Hey Alex,

Thanks so much for your reply, if you read my previous reply to Haabefuld, I explained why I disappeared for some days. Hope you are doing well. Quoted this section of your reply, because now (today is 9 days since im weed free), I can really say that it is all back, the creativity. after all, I was a very musical child, and sure as hell did not smoke back then

Maybe we can share our work, i'd love that. Great to talk to people with similar interests who are going through the same things. Send me a link if you wish

And omg, i really agree on digesting information high.. I spend hours and hours watching tutorials, reading them as well.. BUT with a stoned head that could not comprehend even a word I read. Usually I would do it at night before sleep and in the morning I had no idea whatsoever what the hell was it that I ''learned'' No matter how much I feel like getting high again, I cannot live with the feeling of being stupid anymore..

Small world. Total sidetrack, but what are your favorite albums? One of mine currently is Worlds by Porter Robinson. Makes me high on melody.

I can't exactly say about albums.. I am more of a single-track lover, i dont know well, some artists that I binge-listened to are Dennis Cruz, James Dexter, Peggy Gou, Purple Velvet, Deep Active Sound.. haha, i could go on. but mostly deep house, tech house and detroit-kinna techno )

hope to hear from you again and take care!

Anastasia

[Sightblack]

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time with your school stuff. Life has a way of always picking the worst moments to come down the hardest on you. It will make your success story that much better though! Me and you are on the same day and I hope your cravings are as manageable as mine have become. I've found the trick is to just keep myself busy. I woke up this morning feeling grateful for life in every regard. It is a strange appreciation I don't know if I ever felt before... or maybe I just forgot this particular feeling, having smoked it nearly out of existence? It is a great feeling though. I feel like I'm in control again finally!

My school just came down hard on me too for failing a class (which I attribute to smoking weed btw). I am going tomorrow to make an $849.xx payment which would not have been required had I passed. I was thrilled about how much money I'd be saving this month without buying weed and lo: I'm not saving money this month. I'm still spending on weed indirectly. Weed is still costing me.

Luckily for me, if spending years in the marine corps taught me anything, it would be how to relax my soft pillow-like throat and take it all. I just remember how far I've already came and how much further I can go!

Please, when you are feeling weak. Come log your experience on here. Just talking about this stuff helps soooo much, I have found. We are here for you. We are all on this site for the same reason! So lets struggle together. I want a butt load of details on your next update!

At any rate, it is 5am. I need to go lay in my bed so it doesn't float away. Maybe if I get lucky I'll get some sleep too.

Keep on keepin on!
Sightblack out

[anastasiawilson]

Hello again Sightback,

I know, definitely. Thank you so much for these amazing words. I am feeling so lonely lately. I am 21 now and maybe it is a part of growing up, but I am so disappointed with this world or the people lately. That realization, when you take off those pink sunglasses that made it seem like this world is a happy place and everybody cares, when it shatters - it's hard to accept, but i am trying. Feeling like a small dot in the universe, you know. But I guess that could also be my PMS hahaha

Anyway, thank you! I am so glad for this support. It might seem right now that I am a negative and depressed person, but it is not true.. I am very spiritual, to be honest, and I always teach people around me to appreciate life and stop complaining, because some people have it MUCH worse and we are very lucky. However, moments like this do come to me, when I just feel helpless.. I moved abroad when I was just 16 and for the past year I am sort of surviving on my own, maybe feeling a bit unfair that so fast and so suddenly I have to take care of bills, loans, being kicked out of the uni, being unemployed, and all this at 21, when I am just honestly trying to live my life and figure out what is it i want.

I do have a dream - as i said earlier, I am DJing and producing, however, for now, just in my bedroom but i believe in it and this passion for music is the thing that keeps me going through life and seeing a bright future, so to say ,when all these problems will seem like a bad dream. After all, I DO believe that life does not send us challenges that we cannot overcome.

I think I failed school for kind of the same reason. 1. I was never interested in this education, I took it just because... to not be a failure in my family's eyes, you know.. I want to do music, but as it happens for a lot of us, my family does not think it is a reasonable choice. 2. I smoked a lot and managed to fail 1 exam out of 5 others (which were passed excellent by the way) 3 times... which also seems unfair, because I literally failed one subject out of 14 and got kicked out... but whatever, I got my piece with it.

I tend to close up when dark times hit me, but thank you again for reassuring me that there are people (even strangers), who care and who'd like to hear what's up with me. And I am also feeling great that maybe I can support someone here. ))

Im glad to hear you are feeling better. I feel the same way - proud that I can have control at least over this aspect - being stronger than the addiction. I also watched one great documentary about our body.. and i think i got sort of an epiphany.. i realized - i love this life, no matter how hard it is now, i want to see what's gonna happen, and my body is THE ONLY THING that allows me to live - so i better take care of it, right? I think that's something we all have to remember. I found it hard to find motivation to take care of myself, but this realization that my body is the only thing that provides me the physical platform to exist - is amazing made me even sign up for gym.

Thanks for your message. Let's keep up the good work, we are doing great. Feeling of control over your own mind is amazing.

Take care and talk to you soon!

Anastasia

[anastasiawilson]

Forgot to mention one factor that did make it harder for me to quit... my flat mate smokes 24/7 as well so it constantly smells like weed at our place however, it makes me even more proud that I can still resist and lately I don't even care anymore. I somehow start to dislike this smell!

[Haabefuld]

Hi Anastasia

I'm sorry to hear that you got kicked out of uni. It's so unfair that this should happen to you, especially right now. I actually thought that one had multiple attempts to pass an exam, but maybe its different for uni than for other educations. What were you studying? And losing SU sucks. I hope you get a job real soon. I dont know if you like teaching, but maybe you could visit the different schools in the area and offer to be a substitute teacher on call. Its good money and you always have a choice to say no if you're busy that day. Also a lot of schools really need a lot of subs because of the shortage of teachers after the school reform in 2013.

When I was 21 I was having my first experiences with being really addicted to weed and also experiencing wd when I werent be able to get any weed, and I remember feeling so hopeless and alone. None of my friends from school which were the only people I knew in Aalborg ( I come from a smaller village in the country) knew about my weed addiction and I felt so lonely. I never told anyone because it would be frowned upon in my school, someone who was soon to teach children shouldnt be a stoner. I remember walking around in the centre of town just looking at other people and being envious of their weedfree lives. Now I'm luckily older and wiser and know that everyone has their own sh** to deal with, noone is problemfree.

If you didnt really love your "studie" maybe its not such a bad thing that you are out. Just think if you finished and then got a job you only felt "meh" about, you would maybe end up having to numb yourself with weed. I kind of think thats whats I've been doing the latter years. Dont get me wrong I love teaching, but it's not the same as before with the new laws and a whole new management where I work. I thinks its soon time for a new chapter for me. I just dont know what I want to do, and it gets harder the older you get, because you're now acostumed to a relatively high salary. Oh and to answer your question I teach music, Danish, drama, arts, history and religion. Not in Aalborg though.

My physical wd symptoms are almost gone now, I still have fatigue though and nap during the afternoon like an old lady. This has been the same for every quit and last 2-3 months. Nice to know what to expect. The irritability is still strong and I feel depressed and demotivated most days. No cravings almost, I thibk its because I tried quitting so many times, I know how to disgard the feeling very fast. I dont let it get to me.

Dont apologize for not answering right away, its okay to take a break from the forum.

Cant you make some sort of agreement with your flatmate about smoking only outside? that would seem to be fair. With the moodswings I'm having right now I dont think I would be very friendly to a flatmate that made me live in the smell.

Tell me how you are doing...

Best wishes from Haabefuld