I really need some hope.

Postby Annie137 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:01 pm

My ex-boyfriend has depression for quite some time now, but his OCD has also increased a lot. He usually would fight with me if my things were not in their “place” or if my car radio’s sound level was not on an even number.

I have broken up with him because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t try to keep him positive and to try motivate him to finish his studies. I was also constantly apologising for myself even when I did nothing wrong.

He has also been studying for too long and it is a heavy financial burden for his parents, but I am sure it his OCD because the other day he was actually busy for 2 hours on one task to get the columns of the table equal on the laptop.

He cannot shower quickly; dress quickly, or put on socks and shoes. Everything is so slow. And I am extremely worried about him. He is nearly 25 years old and I feel like he needs someone to tell him when to shower and motivate him. I sometimes still feel very guilty for leaving him as I still love him but just couldn’t face it anymore.

How can someone help him so that he can be himself again? Does this sound like OCD? Or is it something else? He is constantly stressed and tense. He does not laugh as much as he did. He describes life as a struggle. He cannot take the blame for something he did. He has no hope and I feel like I am the only one who sees how he suffers.
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#1

Postby Livetowin » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:46 pm

Number one rule: You only control yourself. If you have a person who will not see the error of his ways and seems hell bound of wanting a caretaker instead of taking care of his own problems, then you need to step back from this situation and give things a bit more reflection. If you cater to his weakness, you enable him to remain where hes at and that makes your relationship toxic because you are paralyzed into thinking only you can care for him, which will eventually make you resentful as he nestles into the advantages you grant him by giving up.

What he may or may not do for himself if you are not "there" is his problem not yours. It's also a little mental game you play with yourself to guilt trip you into staying. I can assure you there are no rewards awaiting you at the end of this slippery slope. I understand you have best intentions, but you do not have final say over this man's life. Only he can decide what his life is worth to him and you too must decide what yours is worth. Is this what you want? Because if you continue to pity him and otherwise play the sympathy card, he will remain exactly where he's at and we'll be having this same conversation in ten years.

Perhaps if he sees there is no longer a safety net to catch him, he will wake up. Maybe he won't. But where is your safety net in all this? Do you allow him to drag you down or do you stand up for yourself? People choose their destiny in life. It's all based on personal choices. If this man is not inspired to bath himself, what exactly are you doing here? You can offer him advice and tell him to see a doctor, and give him the best laid plans for anyone who would care. But in the end, HE has to execute these plans, not you.

There's something I learned some time ago that remains a very real truth in life. You can love a person with great passion and devotion, but it doesn't mean you can live with them. There are people that we connect with in many ways that nudges the heart in us. But on a practical scale, they are not a good match at all. This is why they say, "Love is never enough". That's very true.

We do not live our day to day lives on poetry. We do not live our lives on just feel good moments. We have to live our lives based on what is REAL. What is real is what we can count on. Are they compatible? Are they there when we are down or are they only available when they need something? Are they strong when we need them to be or do we do all the heavy lifting? Can they stand with us and make us feel whole or do they tear us down and make us feel isolated?

We can love qualities in a person, but it doesn't mean we can have a happy existence with them for a life time. Take stock in what you have in your own life and quit defining your priorities through him. You have a life that is your own. Time for you to start taking yours back and give him his own to manage. What you do with yours in your responsibility. What he does with his life rest solely on him. If you think you can ignore the problem and it will eventually fix itself, think again. That's denial. Is he going to map out the course of your life or will you be the one making the decisions? I wish you all the best.
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