crash and burn after attempt to improve my life

Postby mute » Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:10 pm

2 years ago after finding out my partner cheater on me at first I was really pissed
but then instead of being angry I decided to be awesome like barney instead...
and while still being angry and burned up inside I actually started improving my life rather quickly to my own surprise.

I was focused and lost a lot of weight hit the gym got in shape, started doing better financially etc.
i was still very upset about breaking up but it felt good at the same time after years of headache of dealing with a narcissist partner.
BUT!!! i didn't follow through with the most important part that would seal it off. FILING THE DIVORCE PAPERS.....

and after few months i crashed and burned so hard that i still cant recover from it

i feel no motivation have no energy or will or even desire to do anything to improve
gained weight back and stopped working out or giving a **** about anything really

i feel like I'm just floating .... and the tiredness is not going away

i stayed because i got fooled by her again that she is changing and the relationship is improving but it was again the narcissistic trick she got me with again and continues doing it and i fall for it every time like an idiot


i don't know how to get out of this crap now i literally have no energy or will to even pull me through a week of another attempt to leave
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#1

Postby mute » Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:39 pm

also have zero self control now.
I'm a stress eater and keep buying junk food when I'm stressed. and gaining weight
the more I try to stay away from junk food the more I crave it.
and ignoring it doesn't help either I just eat everything anyway
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 02, 2018 2:00 am

mute wrote:i don't know how to get out of this crap now...


Why do you think that is?
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#3

Postby mute » Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:24 pm

if I knew I wouldn't ask lol
I don't really know why I suddenly started improving effortlessly
it took no effort for me to do those things and now I cant even last a week at half power
completely fn burnt out and cant get that mindset back
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:02 pm

mute wrote:I don't really know why I suddenly started improving effortlessly... and cant get that mindset back


Because your motivation was driven by anger, revenge, the need to try and get an ex and/or others to be jealous or regret, the desire to in some way punish or save face. Your motivation was fueled by pure negative, external motives, seeking the approval of others.

How did that work out?

It didn’t. You didn’t get you anything more than temporary satisfaction, it didn’t provide the long term, intrinsic motivation that is sustainable over time.

So what happens after the power of anger, revenge, and jealously fade? You’re left at a loss of how to become motivated. When external motivation is all you know, when seeking approval from others is all you have ever used, it makes it very difficult if not impossible to find and sustain motivation.

To try and get that mindset back, means finding some other external motivator and that is not healthy.

While understandably difficult, you need to set internal, self driven goals that focus on self comparison. Because they are goals of the self, they are not based out of anger or revenge. It is simply being able to improve your personal performance today over your performance yesterday, not to prove something to anyone else, not to seek approval of anyone else.

Good luck.
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#5

Postby mute » Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:52 am

i was nevefr able to get internal motivation
as long as i can remember myself i always react to external factors
i greaw up in a very dysfunctional family and had to put my shields up from my parents emotional abuse

later on it cost me alot because my shields are still up and it takes alot to move me emotionally


i dont know how to do the internal motivation

i read about it and try but i have no desire to do anytihing i feel no drive at all i just have no energy...
my initial responce was anger. but then i realized that i could use the energy to improve myself
and i did. it wasnt anger it was like a shock therapy. it actually got through my shields.
it took extreme emotional shock to motivate me.. i dont know how to change that..

most of the time i feel like i dont even belong in this timeline i was always told that i thought like an older person even when i was a teenager.i felt more comfortable talking to older people
when i did what other kids did i always felt forced (tryin gto fit in) to be normal
i had to learn to be normal ( i put alot of effort to learn to be more or less normal when i was growing up
and at some point lerned to be reasonably social and actually got a gf married and have a kid but it feels unnatural to me
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#6

Postby mute » Thu Feb 08, 2018 5:18 am

no energy to do anything and anxiety because i have many things to do and no energy

ho wthe f do i get out of this endless loop? its driving me crazy
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#7

Postby Candid » Fri Feb 09, 2018 5:17 pm

It sounds as thought you want to go ahead with the divorce. When you're drowning you need to take some action. Start swimming!
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#8

Postby mute » Fri Feb 23, 2018 6:40 am

how does one get out of the endless loop?
i have zero energy right now.
zero motivation to do anything

any attempt to pick up the pace last for about a week and costs me more than i get out of it
i start binge eating candy and junk food
im really fn stressed out and cant get out of this crap
can this divorce thing really have that much effect on a person making everything else complete sh**?
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#9

Postby Candid » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:32 pm

In brief, yes. Divorce changes everything. There are so many losses.

Better to keep your focus on your post-divorce life: what you hope it will achieve, how you'll feel, what will be better than your present situation.

Divorce knocks everyone around. Do your best to look after yourself. No matter what you do, you'll get through this and come out a stronger and wiser person who makes better choices for life.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:22 pm

mute wrote:how does one get out of the endless loop?


You focus on extremely short activities/goals. You stop focusing on the past/future. I’m sure you have small things you can accomplish, e.g. clean up the home, run a mile, build a cabinet, etc.
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