My Weed Break-up Diary....the why and how

[asgoodasitgets]

Hello Friends,

I hope this post finds you very well. Before I start, I wanted to give a quick thanks to everybody who has contributed to the conversation and creation of this forum. You are ALL an incredible source of inspiration. Your words and experiences have reassured me that I am not alone on this journey. I truly wish you all the best as you realize your own individual goals.

I've been smoking cannabis/THC products for about 15 years. In that time, I always joked that I was a PhD level pothead. I grew, vaped, rolled, rosin-pressed, smoked kief, blunts, flower, shatter, whatever. During the past 15 years, I only took one (1) extended break from my beloved first love. On that particular occasion I stopped smoking so that I could pass a pre-employment drug test. I remember specifically that my initial plan was to pass, start working, and then BLAZE UP big time. It didn't take long for me to change my thinking from "a break" to simply, "I am quitting." It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I managed to abstain for three (3) years. The first few weeks quitting were hell for me. I went through intense withdrawals with body sweats and lucid using dreams. I lost friends, got depressed, cried, questioned my reason for living, all that fun stuff.

So fast forward to present day, here I am trying to quit weed again. I got cocky during my initial sobriety and managed to fall off the wagon again. The reasons for me wanting to quit are very complex, but if I had to sum it up I'd simple say that it stopped being fun. Ironically, the first question on MA's 12 questions for potheads is, "Has smoking pot stopped being fun?" I have felt for some time that the cons outweigh the pros. I have been scared and in denial because I haven't wanted to honestly look myself in the mirror. Luckily for me, though, a series of misfortunes kinda caused me to hit another rock bottom where I was willing to change ANYTHING in my life to feel better, including weed.

On Monday night, 1/29/2018, I took my last puffs. On Tuesday, I packed away all my paraphernalia and removed it from my living space. I started a private quitting journal and joined this website. I am watching my diet and drinking tons of water. I am also exercising daily and have told two close family members that I am attempting to quit for accountability. Tonight will be about 72 hours weed free, which is actually an accomplishment when you abuse THC like I do. I am looking very forward to my first week, first month, six months, and then a year without. I have done this before, so I am aware of what to expect, but that does not make it any easier. I hope to find a psychologist soon and address some of the internal issues I have (self-esteem, etc) that I may have been attempting to numb.

I am always open for support, so if anybody reads this and needs to talk, feel free to reach out. While I know I can do this alone, I much rather cross the finish line together. My best to all of you. I will be posting updates here as I progress in hopes that they will motivate others who wish to do the same. Looking forward to talking to some of you.

Alex

[Haabefuld]

Hi Alex

Best of luck to you. You sound like you're really committed so I'm sure you'll be able to do it this time too.
My last smoke was sunday the 21st, I'm also looking forward to some milestones like 1st month, half year and the big one year mark.

So nice that we can all inspire and support eachother in this forum.

Best wishes from Haabefuld.

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 4 Clean and Sober

I am feeling good! I expected I'd have another using dream last night but I didn't. Any of you guys who've quit ever experience these? First time I quit years ago, I had dreams very often where I "messed up" and smoked in my dream. They can be upsetting when you wake up feeling guilty for something you didn't really do.

Things that are helping me stay focused and motivated:

1.) YOU - the uncommon knowledge community - I see that I am no different from anybody else facing this. Your posts, stories, and circumstances all have helped to shape how I see my relationship with MJ. It is so amazingly helpful to read how people are feeling as they progress further into clarity and away from the fog.

2.) Exercise - move, doesn't have to be a marathon, just move. "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

3.) Diet/Food - eating super clean; 1 gallon of h20 daily; no sodas, candy, sugar, or fun

4.) Manifestation - I am envisioning my new life. I'm not looking at this as a straight up loss, it's a trade. I am voluntarily choosing to abstain from weed. I am trading it for a new identity. My old life was not working, so I am swapping out and moving on.

5.) Forgive yourself - It's probably pretty natural to say things like: "I should have done this years ago," or "It's too late for me to quit, I am who I am." Whatever it is, these thoughts are destructive. Accept your past, it made you WHO you are. Be good to yourself and others and focus on taking it easy.

Hope you all are super well. Let me know if I'm missing anything here All the best to you today, may you continue achieving your own personal goals.

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 4 Afternoon Update:

I just returned from a nice walk. It's a trail I used to do all the time when I was stoned. I would always bring a pipe and sack with me to the trail-head right before I started and just get hella baked, LOL. It's funny, but even back then I wondered what some of my exercise times might look like if my lungs were clear. Today I struggled to jog/walk about 3.5 miles but it was definitely worth it. My body temperature is definitely off and I sweat profusely, which felt good. I remarked to an acquaintance that you could probably wipe my sweat with a paper towel, smoke it, and get high. So happy that the THC is on its way OUT not IN.

Total mileage under my belt since I quit smoking is now 13.5 miles.

Today during my exercise I focused on thinking about the future. That things will get easier, a fact I am starting to truly believe and see. I feel for the first time in years that I have a seed of hope planted in my heart. I feel like I can handle anything life throws at me without resorting to numbing myself. I realize that weed wasn't the problem as much as my relationship to weed was. I am not a moderate person, I'm a Type-A, OCD, stubborn SOB. If I enjoy something, I tend to really enjoy it. I also realize that I can never have a moderate relationship with weed. Some can and do. I can't, and that's totally OK. I've experienced the world in a fog and I'm sick of it. Sick of anxiety, paranoia, avoiding social situations and bottom-feeding in the employment arena. /Done.

You guys rock, keep up the good work. One love and all the best to each and every soul reading this.

-A

[Sightblack]

Day 4 Afternoon Update:

Total mileage under my belt since I quit smoking is now 13.5 miles.

In the famous words of Darth Vader: "Most impressive."

I mean that. Outstanding job. I can only imagine how much faster you'll be blasting out THC from your pores and black bogeys from your lungs. I really want to start exercising or very least walking so you are very inspiring in that regard. I've never quit before for amount of time worth counting (a day or 2 at most) in the last 10 years. So to know you've done this once before also reaffirms my decision that I can do this. I just don't ever want to do it a second time.

I have heard people use the phrase "using dreams or user dreams" and I assumed I thought I knew what that was. After a quick google query tho, my assumption was completely wrong. I've been experiencing using dreams this entire time... and even before I started quitting. Sometimes I wake up thinking I'm holding a blunt in my hand. I've even woke up from sleep and thought I had dropped the blunt I was smoking moments before in the bed. I've jumped out of bed flipped the light and and started pulling my wife out of bed so she didn't get burned! All for a phantom blunt. Its crazy how much this stuff bleeds over into reality. I can also vividly remember smoking weed in my dream 2 nights ago and it felt so real in the dream. I remember thinking what a piece of crap I was for smoking that blunt, and I woke up still upset with myself. Even after the realization it was a dream.

I'm so grateful to have somebody like you to lean on. Like you said, just simply sharing a snapshot of your struggle inspires a lot of strength in us weed junkies. Whoever said marijuana isn't addictive, I wanna punch them in the mouth.

Keep on keeping on Alex!

[asgoodasitgets]

I'm so grateful to have somebody like you to lean on.

@ Sightblack - Trust me brother, its absolutely reciprocal. Every time I feel weak or scared....I just come back here and dwell on your words and the words of others who paved the way ahead of us with their experiences.

Day 4 PM Update - 96 hours weed free

I am wondering at this point how many tokes I have spared my lungs. I'm guessing at least 40 full sessions of either vaping or smoking pure rosin (10x daily x 4 days). It's also kinda great to not be coughing and choking my f***ing brains out every few seconds.

I am not getting cocky...but today I felt really good compared to the first 72 hours. I managed to get some stuff done around the house and shop, cleaned, spent time with family and my dog, and made an amazing organic salad. I experienced withdrawal symptoms, specifically cold sweats, during my jog but otherwise feel hopeful. I am trying to enjoy the path I am walking on, minute by minute, instead of living in the future. I realize that today is all I need to focus on.

Oh, I also killed 4 plants I was growing that were all ready to flower (live in a legal jurisdiction). That was empowering. I imagined my weed smoking friends saying things like, "Dude! WTF are you doing?" I laughed at the thought and ripped those happy little females straight out of their pots. Again, even though its legal to grow up to four (4) plants where I live, I feel so much better with them out of my house/life. I ended up moving a potted lemon tree to where my plants used to be and I gotta say, I am really f***ing looking forward to some fresh citrus. You know how the saying goes, "When life hands you lemons, just say **** the lemons and bail."

In all seriousness, I owe a large portion of my resolve, strength, and endurance to several members here. To those of you I have not spoken with, I look forward to and thank you for helping to forge this community.

For the lurkers out there....you are here reading this for a reason. Join and post, we won't bite...hard.

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 5 AM Update:

I've officially crossed the 100 hour mark according to an app on my phone that is helping me keep track of my progress. I believe that my body is also possibly starting to generate some extra Norepinephrine and Adrenaline since I recently started exercising again and could not sleep for sh** last night. Finally passed out @ 5AM...ugh. Woke up feeling tired physically but really good mentally.

Monday night is my 1 week mark which I am looking forward to

I am noticing that my social relationships are getting more attention. I feel like I want to connect more with people as opposed to isolating myself. I am not as reluctant to approach a stranger with the paranoia and fear starting to dissipate. My lungs are feeling better (according to my app I've taken 104,907 clean breaths since I quit and counting). It may seem silly to count the small milestones like hours and breaths, but that's how I have to think about things without getting overwhelmed.

I was able to be more productive as well. I have needed a replacement smart phone for six months or so since I cracked my screen. There is no cost associated with this as it's covered by insurance. The cost is a phone call. Like many other things, I never found the time to do this, but I always found the time to get stoned. Always. Well I finally made the call and received my replacement phone in 2 days. I'm not saying this is weed's fault. It's my fault. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with the vices that many people can and do hold in moderation: smoking, gambling, etc. I tend to be very OCD and Type-A, something I am trying to be mindful of.

You people are a steady and appreciated source of inspiration, wisdom, and love. All the best to everybody reading this.

/Alex

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 5 PM Update

I would be a liar if I said that I was not feeling great, because I am

Obviously @ 5 days without smoke I realize I'm not out of the clear, but I feel strong and confident. One of the things I've noticed today and yesterday is that I've become more communicative. I feel like I am a better listener and that has led to some really good conversation and inspiration.

I was feeling super lazy today due to lack of sleep last night, but I managed to knock out another half-ass 5 mile walk/jog. It made sound corny, but since I was on a road, I just simply followed the white line and kept my head down. I tried not to look too far ahead of me, because when I did I would see a hill coming up or whatever and start to worry about the physical demand since my body was already hurting. That reminded me a lot of what I am going through in my attempt to quit weed. I'm really trying to focus on the present and not get concerned about thinking: "OMG, how am I gonna make it so long without smoking." I imagined every bead of sweat falling from my hat as containing the remnants of one or two forgotten puffs.

Alright guys, enough of my blabbing. I hope this finds you all very well and that you are achieving what is important in your life and hearts. /Alex


Total mileage logged since I quit smoking is now: 18.5 miles. Tonight is EPIC SALAD NIGHT so I gotta bounce, see I'm still getting my greens

[Haabefuld]

Nice to read that you are doing so great. You absolutely have the right mindset

Earlier you talked about using in dreams. I'm two weeks off and this morning I woke up absolute devastated because I dreamt that I had been using all along in the daytime the past two weeks, so that I hadnt really been clean at all. In the dream I had somehow tricked myself. Really relieved that it was only a dream, but in those foggy moments between sleeping and waking up, I actually thought every thing was ruined.

I've been having good days and bad, and today is one of the bad ones where I worry about everything. Especially PAWS and if and when they will begin. I know its stupid to think about and only makes everything worse, so its great to hear that you are so good at taking it one step at a time and not worrying about the future. You're an inspiration

Best wishes from Haabefuld

[asgoodasitgets]

@Haabefuld - Thanks for responding, brother! I hope you are doing well, also!

Using dreams suck. I first heard the term from my uncle, who is a longtime recovered alcoholic. For years I've been able to run things by him in terms of addictions, knowing that he understands how I feel without being judgmental. Apparently, its a common thing to "use" whatever addiction you were chasing in your dream. It could be cigs, gambling, weed, whatever.

I read an article online somewhere that said those types of dreams aren't all bad. It shows that your brain is working out things somehow and the guilt you felt for your alleged mess up is a testament to your commitment and where your heart is. It's funny, the whole quitting thing is definitely a mind vs. body thing. My body still wants to smoke, it's addicted. My mind keeps providing me with wisdom and telling me to abstain. My heart reminds me that there are multiple reason(s) I am quitting and provides the inspiration.

You said you have two weeks under your belt, right? Have you ever quit before for a lengthy period of time? How long were you a smoker if you don't mind me asking....? Trust me, you are an inspiration as well. I have read several of your posts and they are always spot-on. Take it a day at a time and smile.

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 6 AM Update: @ 132.57 hours THC-FREE

What's up, my fabulous Uncommon Knowledge brethren? It is now Day 6 cannabis free, and I am feeling better in each clean breath I am taking. Obviously it isn't easy to break such a powerful habit but I feel I owe lot of resolve to people here who have inspired me and made me believe that I could also once again kick the habit. To those of you who paved the way ahead of me and posted on your experiences, thank you so much! To those of you who haven't posted or are possibly considering it....if your desire it, you can do it!

Finally got some sleep last night. It felt amazing. Ordered some Kava-Kava to take on nights when I suffer from insomnia so that hopefully I can get into a better sleep schedule. Still drinking 1 gallon of H20 daily, trying to get lots of clean vegetables in, and avoiding fun stuff like sugar/carbs/caffeine/etc.

I won't ever tell anyone not to smoke. It should be a personal choice and freedom. Some people are able to enjoy it recreationally, and maybe even daily, without it effecting them. That unfortunately is not the case for me and I am OK with it possibly for the first time in my life. When I quit years ago I remember feeling resentment that I was so obsessive and Type-A. I remember thinking, "why can't I just be like a "normal" person and just smoke here and there?" It was definitely counterproductive to my healing. In all reality though, I probably still consumed 10-20x more cannabis in 15 years than an occasional smoker will in their whole life, so I guess it all evens out, HA!

Today is a rest day, no exercise. I am looking forward to posting tomorrow night, when I will be hitting my one week mark. Thank you all for inspiring and motivating. Blessings! -Alex

[asgoodasitgets]

Day 6 PM Update:

Hey all just wanted to post my daily update before I go to bed. In 22 hours I will be a full week removed from cannabis.

I hung out with a close friend tonight and he was vaping. It did not bother me. I have always been a huge proponent of right to choose and personal freedom. He can handle weed and not allow it to control his life. I can't. I've tried before. I've deluded myself thinking I could be a "Friday Night" smoker. I guess I was if you consider every single moment of any day "Friday," ROFL.

One thing I have really enjoyed is not feeling like I have to be anywhere. I don't rush with people or activities anymore, because there is no pipe waiting for me on the other end. I'm not ditching people, hard-work, or circumstances to get high. I am more thorough and attentive. I feel more connected to the world and individuals around me. I am finding joy in long-forgotten passions and simple pleasures. Someone else on here said this, but I also feel more confident and I am looking people straight in the eyes without flinching. I feel good. No, it's not easy. Yes, I have to fight the physical draw and desire to smoke. I feel this is more physical than emotional, though. I know in my heart this breakup is permanent. I believe that as I rewire my life and habits the physical desire will become a whisper as opposed to a shout.

I hope and pray you all have a blessed week, wherever you may be reading this!

-Alex

[Sightblack]

Glad to hear your still going strong Alex.

I wish I had something inspirational or profound to say, but I don't. You are doing good work. Don't forget to reward yourself for breaking your week mark! A job well done.

Quitting weed is a chapter I've wanted to close on for a long time but there is still a part of me that desperately wishes we could have a harmonious relationship with weed, but me and you both aren't capable of that Alex. That is why I wrote my breakup letter to Mary Jane and Philip Morris. That was the most constructive part of this entire ordeal. The breakup letter. I've had very mixed emotions about our breakup before I committed to to the task and also everyday since. I don't know if I will ever smoke again. I'm leaning towards "no" just like you. If I do, it will be on my terms, not hers. I will definitely never smoke cigarettes again, no question about it. Throughout this entire ordeal, I haven't really thought about smoking cigs at all..

2 weeks ago I was smoking (weed and cigs) and dipping. Shoot, I would dip while smoking a doobie.

I felt like if I tried to stop all 3 at the same time I would be sitting myself up for failure. So I let myself keep one of the crutches. What I consider to be the lesser of the 3 evils at-least. I love my Copenhagen. If not for having the dip, I donno if I could have even made it 1 day weed free. I have been considering maybe stopping with the dip after my 2 week mark or maybe the 1 month mark as a reward cause I'm on such a hot role! I hope I didn't make this post too much about me because this thread is about you and your success.

At any rate, just know that I was checking in on your progress today and thrilled to see you are still upbeat and positive!

Cheers to a new chapter,
Job

[asgoodasitgets]

@ Sightblack - you are too polite, but it's not my thread, it belongs to the potheads, all of us. You post where you want. Your posts help me immensely. Please post here as much as you want and say whatever is on your heart. I am easygoing and really enjoy the teamwork and collaboration.

I don't blame you on the dipping bro. I think it would be kind of, well, reckless to abandon all three vices @ the same time. I believe you made the right decision. When you hit 30 days everything will seem much more tolerable. I think I've told you before that I quit once for about three years, back in 2011-2014. That started on Day-1 as a "break." The thought process here, in my opinion at the time, was both genius and mischievous. I would "beat" the system by passing my pre-employment drug-test and then proceed to get high at a rate that would land me in the Guinness Book of World Stoners. I remember that at 35 days clean I was still nervous about pissing dirty, so even though I had not blazed, I ended up using synthetic urine and substituting. I remember leaving the testing lab, job offer in hand, totally able to go home and blaze but I didn't. I just didn't want to deal with quitting again. I think if I had written down my feelings back then like I am today, well maybe I would have had something to read/motivate/inspire me to stay on the wagon. I say this because back then, at 35 days or so, I still had a very vivid memory of the discomfort of quitting. While most of the physical symptoms (for me) had faded, I recalled the very specific reasons I had for jumping ship. As my life improved, drastically, it was only in my human nature to start to take things for granted. Then came the lies and the bs and the relapse....I forgot that I had not always felt that good, that clear, that sharp. I forgot that my mental state of affairs wasn't simply by accident. I had built my life to where it was, I put in the work.

I had no frame of reference for what I would experience upon quitting. I wasn't happy about it. It was not voluntary (at least it wasn't to start with). I quickly experienced strange things occurring in my body: sleepless nights, cold sweats, weird donkey dreams, etc. I had to Google the symptoms, because up until that point I truly believed marijuana was 100% benign and would NEVER cause withdrawal. In retrospect, I'm not even sure anymore if I truly believed it or convinced myself that I did because I loved so very much to get high and escape what I considered to be a cruel and meaningless world. (Not saying weed is evil, my relationship to weed is evil. If you enjoy it responsibly, all the more power to you. That said, this is an addiction forum not a "use-weed-responsibly" forum).

I so tired and needing sleep that I don't even recall my original point here....I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I don't remember everything about the first round of clarity, I do remember hitting a month or two and feeling REALLY REALLY good. Like you think you feel good now, that's just the tip of the iceberg. Good times await. If you choose to give up dipping @ that point I believe you will feel much better about it. If I dipped or smoked cigs on top of the herb, I would have done the same as you. That said, I am trying to ditch my other dirty little habit: diet soda. I know, f***ing gross, right? Chemicals, man, it's all a giant conspiracy (said in true-stoner fashion).

Hope you enjoy this delirious rant! Blessing to the community!

[JaaackMD]

Congrats.

I’m currently withdrawing from cannabis after 10years of heavy use...

My anxiety has risen dramatically since stopping. Feeling a bit hopeless to be honest, I’ve been having intrusive thoughts about myself and others which tends to bother me on a daily basis.

Anyone got any tips for high anxiety from stopping cannabis ?
I tend to have mood swings and feelings of depression and depersonalisation. Doctors have gave me sertaline to help but I don’t want to be on antidepressants. I’ve got myself into this mess so I want to get out of it without being addicted to something else.

Anyone else experiencing withdrawal the similar way ?

Thanks
JackD