Loveless relationship...should I continue living unhappy

Postby papadoc » Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:22 am

Hello, I badly need help because I don't seem to understand what is going on in my own life.
Last year I made some serious decision to move in with one of my multiple girlfriends and settle down. I tried working on that and soon enough, my best choice moved in. I will call her Lady D for purposes of this story. It was barely 2 weeks after that, that I returned home and discovered she had left without giving me any reason, had left my house keys with a neighbour, and switched off her phone.
My heart started racing and pacing, I could not think straight, and for the next couple of days I could not sleep. In fact I felt so worthless and the more I thought and imagined the different reasons why she might have left, the more depressed I became.
I remembered the last two relationships that were each okay and we would have good times if we happened to be together during the day, until the girl would spend a night, and then it would be over, and she wouldn't want anything to do with me...True I had a very high libido then, because I was always under the influence of weed...yes weed. That too is part of my story and partly the reason for my depression.
Among the questions that ran through my mind when Lady D left were; could it be that she was on a mission to infect me with HIV and has now accomplished that mission? Or maybe it's the weed?, but she loved me long before knowing that I smoked, and besides, I had promised to quit and was in the process. Thinking about HIV bothered me even more about death and the fact that I was gonna die without leaving an offspring.
Fastforward, because I felt so physically hyped about the issue of settling down and having an offspring, I moved in with my other girlfriend, This I will call lady C, the one deemed most desperate and one that would tolerate me through my struggles to live a drug free and organised life. She had never known me to smoke weed throught the 5 years she had known me but even when I told her of my struggles, she was willing to stay. Indeed at the time of her moving in seven months a go, I believed I was a little in love with her. Note that before that time, all I cared about was having a good time and not loving her for real.
Now she is 7months pregnant and I am 3 months clean of weed and now that I seem to have regained my rational mind, I seem to have completely lost all emotion with regard to her. In fact I fell out of love with her 2 months after she had moved in but kept promising myself that I would try to make things work. I had visited her folks before moving in with her and have twice taken her to the site of a house am constructing that is meant to be my home...I say my home because I don't imagine myself living with her for ever yet she is carrying my child and that home which we will very soon be moving to is the child,'s birth right. I always feel sorry for her because I ruined her life and got her pregnant without loving her truly. I am really confused. Please help
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 02, 2018 3:58 pm

I don't know the mother, but here are your choices:

-1- Give the child up for adoption. This would be the best for the child if the mother also is in no condition to provide a loving, caring home. But, as stated I don't know the mother so maybe she will be a good mother.

-2- Leave the mother to raise the child herself. If you believe the mother is a good person and capable of providing a healthy, safe, loving environment, then she should raise the child without you involved.

You should have nothing to do with a child at this point in your life. You are not ready for a child and your are in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. You decided to create offspring because you want one, the same as you might want a dog or a pet. You think a child will fill some emotional hole in your life. That IS NOT why you have a child with a woman you don't even love.

I feel for this child. The child is innocent and doesn't deserve to be raised by a person that is trying to fill some emotional void in there life. Do yourself, this child, and society a favor and distance yourself from this relationship, distance yourself from this child.

As part of the process, go seek professional therapy. Maybe in a few years you will be in a better place and be ready to get involved in a relationship for the right reasons.
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#2

Postby Hamming » Sun Feb 04, 2018 10:21 am

Do yourself, this child, and society a favor and distance yourself from this relationship, distance yourself from this child.


why distance? I agree that mother could raise the child, but he could also meet him regurarly
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Feb 04, 2018 2:53 pm

Hamming wrote:why distance? I agree that mother could raise the child, but he could also meet him regurarly


Why? What does the OP have to offer this child? A periodic dose of faux love? To demonstrate being a good male role model or impart some life wisdom? This is what we want children to learn it means to be a parent?

Here is a hypothetical. Let’s assume this impregnated female is mentally healthy and that she can choose to dump the OP and instantly replace him with a man that does love her. In two months, a child comes into the world into a loving home. The OP is effectively a sperm donor, nothing more. The OP is not a father and is not a parent, just because he donated the sperm. This other man, the one that loves this woman is the parent and the role model for this child. Does the OP still have a right to periodically infuse himself into the family because he provided the sperm?

The reason for periodic visits is an emotional, not a rational argument. This child has a better chance of being raised in a loving home if the OP is out of the picture.

But, I recognize what is best for the child the OP doesn’t care about. The OP emotionally wants offspring. The OP cares about his emotional needs, prioritizing his needs over what is best for anyone else. That is very common. I don’t fault the OP for being human. I don’t fault the OP for this very much hardwired biological need. Regardless, we are a species that is capable of looking past our emotions. We are capable of doing what is right, regardless of emotion and what is right in this case is for the OP to not be in the life of this child.
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#4

Postby papadoc » Mon Feb 05, 2018 10:22 am

Actually, I believe you could be a clinical psychologist that you claim not to be.
I have been trying to digest the three pieces of advice you gave and your satire taught me about how selfish I am and how I ought to consider the emotions of others too.
The blunt nature of your response has taught me to endure my inner pain while trying as much as possible to improve my relationship with my baby mama to be, all with the hope that my feelings towards her may change with time.
It is a universal truth that we cannot control our emotions, but the need to find ways of managing them is what brings us to forums like this.
Give up the child for adoption? Hell no! How the hell do I call that my child after giving him up. Richard, you must a fanatic of nature vs nurture psychology. In the first place, such would be uncultural where I come from.
Why should I distance myself from my child when my emotional issues are with the mother? Does that make me less the father, or unable to love the child whose mother I love not?
Maybe I could let the mother raise the child only if both of us are involved because honestly I am NOT that sperm donor you call me. Even though I had that child for all the wrong reasons in the world, it should not deny me the chance to raise that child into a better person.
Your third piece of advice to seek professional therapy is ok. Maybe I need that anyway, because it is not easy to suddenly switch from a drug user who beds women just for his own pleasure to a drug free, loving father.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Feb 05, 2018 3:53 pm

papadoc wrote: ...it is not easy to suddenly switch from a drug user who beds women just for his own pleasure to a drug free, loving father.


And the above, along with your overall emotional justification for wanting offspring and bad decisions to have a child with a woman you don't love is why you should only be a sperm donor.

I understand that is not going to happen. I understand for your emotional pleasure, this child will be your experiment. I understand like many individuals that are not ready to be a parent, you will "do your best". I don't fault you for any of this. I completely understand the deep emotional, biological drive to delude oneself into making bad decisions, again, and again, and again.

I don't expect you to suddenly switch to making good decisions. Like you said, it is not easy. You make bad decision, after bad decision, after bad decision. It is just unfortunate that a child has to suffer to satisfy your emotional needs.

This is why I recommend you make at least one good decision, to immediately seek professional therapy. The "switch" from hedonist to loving father won't happen via an online forum or self-help books. The switch won't happen by talking things out with your current social network. Professional therapy is the minimum you can do for the benefit of the child.
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#6

Postby Hamming » Sun Feb 11, 2018 8:07 am

A periodic dose of faux love?

I thought maybe it would not be faux love.

I had a friend who divorsed with his girl or wife and she was raising a child, but he was visiting him also, and probably had normal love.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Feb 11, 2018 1:17 pm

Hamming wrote:I thought maybe it would not be faux love.

I had a friend who divorsed with his girl or wife and she was raising a child, but he was visiting him also, and probably had normal love.


Certainly. There are plenty of fathers that truly love and do their best to support their children even though they have limited access. Think of fathers who have careers as sailors, soldiers, truck drivers, etc. It is not uncommon.

But with our OP, his brand of love is immature and selfish. He wants a child to fill some emotional void, not to raise a family with the woman he loves. The OP is not considering the consequences of the child, but rather treating it the same as buying a puppy. It's a bad, bad idea, but emotionally, "I want one" he thinks.

This is why I say faux love. The OP is all about the OP and what the OP wants, whether it be drugs, sex, or now a child.
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