Postby Basketball01 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 4:07 pm

Hi, idk where to begin, I feel I have a lot of problems so I’m going to start with my current situation... I’m young, 19, male... I’m dealing with what I think is anxiety and depression, I feel I developed both when my mother passed away last year... when she passed I felt like I lost my life, she was always there for me and understood everything that I would go through and she would always be in my corner when no one was. She was my only parent, my dad left a few years after I was born to start his own family and I have no clue where he is. I currently live with my grandma and sister and to say it lightly I dislike them heavily. My mother was very poor when she was alive so we lived with my grandma, during my 17 1/2 years on this earth I’ve never witnessed a day without my grandma and mom fighting in some shape or form. I would yell back at my grandma when she would yell at my mom. My mom has been “deathly” sick for the last 10 years of her life. She went through these phases of just deep depression which caused her to be drowsy all the time, she was a dialysis patient and eventually died from calciphalxis (I hope I spelled that right) my grandma never believed the pain my mother was in was true, she thought my mother was faking it and just being lazy. I thought my grandma deserved to rot in hell for that. I even told her on many occasions, at one point when I told her she grabbed a knife and threatened me with it. That made me realize who I was actually living with. In a way I feel my mother was killed by her, the constant depressing setting of my mom waking up getting taken to dialysis and coming back exhausted to hear her disgruntled mother screaming at her cause she felt her daughter was worthless. My mother lived in a basement with barely any accommodations. The bed was planted on the floor, there were 3 bedrooms in the house, 1 for my grandma, 1 for me and 1 for my sister, I offered my bedroom to my mom many times but she always turned it down. My mom lived for me my sister and my brother. I always did everything I could to make her feel better, when she wasn’t feeling good I would stay home from school to take care of her, I even quit my football team to take care of her, I always made sure I did anything for her cause she practically gave up her whole life for me and my older siblings. I always felt that way and I wish my brother and sister did too. I hate attacking them and I feel bad but again I feel they had a part in my moms passinng also. Like I stated before my mom lived for us, there were many times where she was on the brink of death but she would just bounce back and would be back to being an angel for a mother. She treated us like Kings and queens. My sister for whatever reason always resented my mom for no apparent reason, she resented everyone in my family, she was an angry person in her nature. My mom always kept open arms and treated my sister with love but my sister would be cold and heartless. I could go into great detail but my stories already long. My mom adored my older brother. She never told us she had a favorite but we knew it was him. He is a nurse so he used to help my mom by helping her with her diet and medication but then he stopped. He got married. He moved 20 miles away and all of a sudden stopped showing up here cause his ex wife never wanted to come. It always baffles me on how he chose her over my mom and us, give all she has done (again not gonna go into great detail) my mom one day made a small joke on the way back from one of her doctors appointments my brother drove her to. She said “it’s really nice that you’re here, how come you haven’t been down lately?” Word for word that’s what she said, this caused my brother to snap. Barking at her saying he has his own life and is worried about his witch of a wife(now ex wife. This caused my mother to cry and I feel it damaged their relationship. They were never really the same after that. I envied my brother for the longest time until that moment. Before that I thought he was the best guy on earth, I looked up to him, I wanted to be him until I saw him turn his back on us and eventually just turn into an a**hole and a tool that I know him as today. My brother always preached to me about being a man and giving me advice that I thought I could live with but I can’t trust him anymore. When he divorced his wife I thought my brother was going to be back, I was sadly wrong. He turned into the a**hole that he is now I’ll give a little anecdote, when it was announced my mother had a few weeks left to live, nurses would come in and out and my brother would flaunt his position at another hospital in the city and flirt with the nurses while my mother was laying in a bed helpless, on her soon to be deathbed and while I was in the lowest point of my life and needed my brother he was there flirting with mediocre looking nurses, a real tool. My mother horn moved from there after a week and into a rehab facility basically a waiting place to die. My brother rarely visited, he was too busy with his new gf he didn’t tell us about. Me and my sister were up there everyday, (when it got announced my sister became real involved with my mom, I think of it as a sign of guilt) when we got the call that she passed my brother was an hour away with guess who husband girlfriend. I just don’t understand how you can even think of a girl at a time like this. After she passed it was the worst time of my life. The only relief was my dog. My dog is the most special thing in my life now. I’ve always wanted a dog since I was a small kid. We were never able to since we either lived in low rent apartments or my grandmas house (surprise, she hates dogs) so the last Christmas with my mom my brother decides to get my grandmother an old dog, he thinks it will soften her up.. so he tells my mom and she agrees (only cause she knows I’ve wanted a dog for my whole life and knows I’ll love him cause my grandma probably won’t) so he asks to split the cost and she agrees, so he said ok call me when you find an old dog and I’ll split it with you. So we looked and my mom said to me that I know you’ve wanted a dog your whole life so you can pick him out and we can get a puppy. I was extatic at 17 years old haha, I felt like I was 10 lol. We looked all around and I finally found him, a 6 month old puppy bichonne yorkie mix. And he was he last of his litter and it was his last week with the family or he would be sent to the pound. So we pulled he trigger and got him, this made my brother extremely upset. It caused fight after fight, my grandma hated the dog and then it caused even more fights, but that dog was worth every bit it brought so much life into the house. The dog looked exactly like this dog that was on the front of the cover of this book my mom used to read me when I was a kid. I’m still so happy I have him. When she passed I felt like he was my last gift from her, I see her in my dog, I treat him like a king.. I love him unconditionally, anyway I’m moving on with this cause this is extremely long and if you’re reading this then thank you but here’s the issue shortly after she died I developed this thing where I pee about 3-5 times an hour. I’m a big guy so I thought it was something with my kidneys or diabetes, I’ve went to multiple doctors I am completely healthy with that, this peeing thing is affecting my everyday life I can’t do anything without ensuring a bathroom, I also noticed that when I am in my house alone I pee less frequently, maybe 1 per hour but for example when I am in a place with tons of people I don’t know and sometimes who I do know I have to pee uncontrollably. I would like to know if this is being caused by depression and anxiety from my mothers passing and if so someone please tell me how I can counteract this... I have extremely important things to do and I can’t do them with my current state, my current profession that I’m trying to get into requires a lot of traveling and I am making huge strides the industry and I need this peeing issue to stop. Please if anyone is going through this please comment (even if you don’t have a solution I would just like to know someone else is in my situation)
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Postby asgoodasitgets » Sat Feb 03, 2018 5:56 am

Hello Basketball01 -

I read your entire thread 2x and let it digest before I responded.

I am so absolutely sorry for the loss of your mother. I know there are no words. What I can say, is that you sound like a nice person, so it sounds like she raised you right :) May you always love and cherish her in your heart. Blessings to you, from me.

Quick question, you mentioned speaking with some doctors regarding your kidneys? If they are telling you it's not diabetes, were they proposing any type of solution/cause? Have you considered speaking to a therapist? It could be emotional.

Please post a reply and let me know how you are doing. Keep fighting the good fight.

Oh, and PS...keep loving that dog. I love my puppy unconditionally as well. Aren't animals healing? <3

All the best to you. -Alex
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