Weakening into depression whenever my wife is away

Postby Augusto » Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:14 pm

It has happened to me every single time we need to split for whatever reason. She needs to travel and l cannot go, or l need to travel and she cannot come with me, it's all the same: at first l feel just fine, maybe even optimistic, but as days start passing l notice l have less energy, less wishes to do anything. I just start feeling weak or heavy. My life starts becomming a mess, then l start thinking about her more and more, dreaming about her, and the need becomes stronger.
Only once we had to be separated for several months, and l noticed l was depressed and started having suicidal thoughts. Nothing really serious, but l REALLY felt like crap and decided to seek a profesional as a precaution, while she was away.
It may be relevant to mention that l really love her a lot, in such a way that virtually anything she does or says, and even, for example, her shoes or whatever, seems cute to me. This has been exactly the same since the day l met her, about 8 years ago.
Now, l have this analogy to explain my feelings when she's away: it's as if l were living out of a batery. At first l don't feel anything, but after a few days l'm weaker and l function worst. Being with her is like my batery is full, and charging permanently, even if we discuss or whatever.
I read about certain birds that once they become a couple, they stay together forever, and if one dies, the other dies too a few days after. This happens sometimes among humans, but l wonder if there's a name for it.
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#1

Postby Translucent » Sat Feb 10, 2018 7:36 am

I wonder if she feels the same way about you?
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#2

Postby Augusto » Sat Feb 10, 2018 10:22 pm

She loves me, yes, and misses me, but she doesn't experience this draining. I think it may be seen as a mental illness, and l doubt there's a name for it yet. It's so unnoticeable at first, but it grows steadily, like finger nails... You don't even feel sad, you just start noticing you are weaker, somehow, and you care less and less about everything. You become increasingly apathetic. Almost as if you were a baloon losing air or something.
If this isn't a disease, l think there should be an evolutionary explanation, l mean, taking in conaideration the fact that something like this also happens among other species. Ironically, it has been observed, but it doesn't look like anyone studied it yet. At least l haven't found anything so far.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Feb 10, 2018 10:50 pm

Augusto wrote:If this isn't a disease, l think there should be an evolutionary explanation...


“Evolutionary biologists think that grief is passed on not because it provides benefit in itself, but rather it is a side effect of having relationships. As anyone who every had separation anxiety as a kid -- or who lost track of their parents at the beach -- knows, our bodies produce stress hormones when we’re separated from our parents, and the only way for those bad feelings to go away is to come together again. This biological reaction to separation keeps us together because staying together provides an evolutionary benefit. Kids and their parents -- the core relationship evolutionarily -- rely on one another for protection and genetic proliferation respectively, and so being drawn together and kept together is advantageous.”

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cu ... t-century/

***
Sounds like a form of separation anxiety rather than grief, but the evolutionary explanation is there. Being apart results in the release of stress hormones over time.
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#4

Postby Augusto » Sun Feb 11, 2018 1:31 am

It's a cheap explanation. I apreciate the time you took, and l understand there may not be anything else available to address the subject, but take into consideration that not a lot of people experience this simptoms l'm describing, including my wife, with wich l have a meaningful relationship and who loves me. Also take into consideration my simptoms are not really compatible with grief. It's a steady degenerative process what l'm describing. Calling it natural only makes everyone else's behavior unnatural.
See, l feel just fine the first week or so. I only notice a small change after several days, and there's no grief or sadness involved. On the contrary, after about 15 days l start thinking more frequently about her... Beautiful details like her hair or her smile, things like that. There is no anxiety or fear to lose her for good. There is not even a desperate need of being with her, but l keep losing my vitality... Actually, l don't even know how to call what l lose, l just know l start decaying, and that changes when she is with me. After being apart for a while, the minute l see her, l feel a huge boost pf joy, and it lasts for a few days, then l feel normal (with her, normal is usually a state of happiness) again. Now l feel a little bit anxious whenever l know the time to separate is imminent, because l know what's comming for me and l even can predict how l will be at the end, based in the number of days. I don't cheat, because, you know, you cannot cheat your life support when you need one to keep being around.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Feb 11, 2018 1:51 am

Augusto wrote: Also take into consideration my simptoms are not really compatible with grief.


I didn’t say grief. In fact, I specifically said it wasn’t grief. Maybe you misread or decided to select parts of the article related to grief for some unknown reason. My response specifically said what you are experiencing is a form of separation anxiety.

And I’m not saying separation anxiety wraps it all up in a nice bow for you, or hands you an answer on a silver platter. I am saying, do some research that looks into the bigger, broader picture behind the science of separation anxiety. Don’t simply dismiss separation anxiety because it fails to provide a cookie cutter explanation for what you are experiencing.

There are many forms of separation anxiety...grief, post partum depression, divorce, retirement, amputee trauma, etc. etc. Amongst all those different forms you might gain some insight into your situation. And if not, you will still learn something.

Good luck.
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#6

Postby Augusto » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:14 am

Ok, thanks.
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