getting of the merry-go-ground of multiply quits

#15

Postby reckoning » Sun Feb 25, 2018 8:12 pm

Day 58 now.

Some days are good , some are harder than others, generally I celebrate the path I am on.

While the immediate early strong emotional responses to the quit are settling into more pleasant, and unpleasant days ( with a lot of work) . I still have extreme and strong urges to absolutely ditch things that are uncomfortable in my life. Last week I wrote out my job resignation, didn't submit it, and now five days on I still feel the same. I keep going over everything in my head.

I haven't done it yet, more because of what other people will think about me. I don't want to be judged by others, yet everyday I am judging myself for either not just settling into it, and riding the wave of the current conflict or else I am judging myself for not making a decision because I know I am not willing to sort out something that is really not working and I am only one small player in the whole scenario.

When I was smoking weed it was easier to make rationalisations about all my actions. Weed meant I often could delay making decisions because it made unbearable things bearable. I have little trust and faith that things will work out for me. The longer I delay without weed, the more it increases the stress I am under. Trying to unravel which is quit related stress and which is real life stress is a dilemma for me. But there is one thing I do know clearly that weed is no longer a choice.

It's both exciting and scary to have to face real life decisions without the deception of the smoke and mirrors show that weed gave me. It's just not easy, but this kind of decision is probably not easy for anyone. That is something I have to keep reminding myself of. I have to stop seeing my life situation as more stressful than others.

All those years of seeking out weed was about wanting life to be easier all the time.

I know I have made up my mind that I want to resign. Now to summon the courage to live the honesty of my feelings and decisions. I have to stop pretending everything is OK for me at work and I have to accept that it is Ok for everything to be not OK. I cannot fix it.

A disconnect with my feelings is something that weed has allowed me to do in the past. Now I am at the stage of having to have feelings and act on them rather than summoning puff the magic dragon to take me to some fairy tale land where everything is about feeling good all the time or coping and accepting things that I really disagree with.

decisions, decisions- just another aspect of quitting that I am coming to terms with.

cheers
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#16

Postby reckoning » Sat Mar 03, 2018 8:44 pm

It's day 64 today.

I remain strong. Went to a friends place last night and she smoked and invited me to. I said no thanks, and I was pretty pleased that I had no desire to either. I was not so pleased in being judgemental about the effects of it on my friend. Not bad ones but sure it's fun to talk to someone who is stoned and animated but there is a missing connection which I can see this morning comes from me being too busy judging. It's never helpful to get on this judgemental bandwagon and it's always a warning sign when I get on a high horse that a fall is coming so I'm dismounting from all judgements today.

Things have been up and down. Sometimes my day goes fine and then when it's not going fine, like many people on this forum, I wonder if I will ever recover and get the emotional stability and regulation I am seeking. None the less all the strong sharing of experience here show me that it takes time and it does and will happen.

I resigned my job this week. I have the immediate relief of knowing that I can still make decisions and feel as if I am on the right track with my decision making. This feels good. I did get offered work the next day, not as much as I resigned from but it will help money wise. I felt strong to take this up. It is one of the benefits of being off the weed this strength to take up opportunities. In the past while smoking , having made a big decision such as resigning I would need time off to come to terms with many mixed emotions that would have come up in making such a decision. Often when smoking even when making decision I have many internal doubts. Now with 64 days in I am just getting on with it. I made the decision for good reasons and I don't have to keep going over it. Such a relief.

Thanks for everyone's posts. I read many and try and answer or contribute to some, as this really gives me the feeling of belonging and understanding which keeps me on track.

I am starting to see meaning in my life again. Keep going strong everyone and keep reading.
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#17

Postby reckoning » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:45 am

Checking-in. Getting a serious number of weed free days under my belt now. 72.

The ups and downs persist. I have a few good days and still get lulled into thinking it will always be like this. Then it is upon me again, the tiredness, the self doubt, the anxiety and I have to work hard not to declare a state of emergency.

My sleep remains challenging so the tiredness can last for days .

But I remain connected to this site and thank-you all for the sharing which takes away the feeling that I am alone with this struggle.

As I would say to others 'keep going" I am saying it to my self tonight.
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#18

Postby asgoodasitgets » Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:01 pm

I'm on mobile so forgive my brevity. You got this, keep up the good work my friend. Today marks exactly 6 weeks for me, 42 beautifully challenging days. It is ups and downs but I feel in a much better position to rebuild some things I let slip. Much love, hope, peace, and inspiration for you. All the best. -Alex

Congratulations on your hard work and thank you for sharing your success with us.
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#19

Postby exstonerinhell » Sun Mar 18, 2018 2:48 am

Just wanted to pop in and say what you're doing is amazing Reckoning. I'm just going through your diary now, but I wanted to say that.
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#20

Postby reckoning » Sun Mar 18, 2018 6:11 am

hi exstonerinhell,

Thanks heaps for your encouragement. It means a lot to me , so much better of a buzz than getting stoned for sure. Gives me pleasure that you read my stuff and reached out. Thank-you.

You too I see ( read) are on this amazing path to finally becoming that person that you know lies beneath. It really is a very tough gig this sober life and there lies the growth hey. Who would have thought that the hard stuff is here to make life easier for us in the long run.

I have really bad days when the PAWS are clawing at me. But maybe the PAWS are not to be feared. I'm doing a reframe on the clawing image of PAWS I hold in my head. Now for the past few days I'm thinking 'oh my little assistance dog is here to help'. Help me to come to terms with something I need to know and get better at. Like a very good assistance dog these paws are here to guide me to independence , self esteem and improved health and relationships. So if these PAWS are going to be around I figure I need to embrace them!!!

Keep going , embrace the PAWS, keep walking too it helps a lot. I look forward to following your progress. Again thanks for the buzz.
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#21

Postby exstonerinhell » Sun Mar 18, 2018 6:47 am

reckoning wrote:hi exstonerinhell,

Thanks heaps for your encouragement. It means a lot to me , so much better of a buzz than getting stoned for sure. Gives me pleasure that you read my stuff and reached out. Thank-you.

You too I see ( read) are on this amazing path to finally becoming that person that you know lies beneath. It really is a very tough gig this sober life and there lies the growth hey. Who would have thought that the hard stuff is here to make life easier for us in the long run.

I have really bad days when the PAWS are clawing at me. But maybe the PAWS are not to be feared. I'm doing a reframe on the clawing image of PAWS I hold in my head. Now for the past few days I'm thinking 'oh my little assistance dog is here to help'. Help me to come to terms with something I need to know and get better at. Like a very good assistance dog these paws are here to guide me to independence , self esteem and improved health and relationships. So if these PAWS are going to be around I figure I need to embrace them!!!

Keep going , embrace the PAWS, keep walking too it helps a lot. I look forward to following your progress. Again thanks for the buzz.


I admire what you're accomplishing, and love the way you write, my own journey might be a little less well documented but having other's here like you, Alex and everyone else in the same boat and similar timelines as us gives me hope that, as long as we stay clean, we'll make it to the other side of this.

It's crazy but you go through some of the other success stories and you see that groups of people, total strangers, band together in this journey and then the majority of them make it to the other side, together. It's like walking through hallowed ground reading their past posts, their messages of encouragement to each other, suffering together. There's a strong bond that develops here and I hope we all can get on the other side of this together to give some hope to the people who come after us. I have a feeling that more and more people are going to be struggling with weed the more it become prevalent in our society, and as its acceptance grows. I have no problem with people who smoke weed, but as a suffering addict who is trying to straighten out my life (and dealing with PAWS) I do pity the people who are even now blazing every day with no idea what may lie in store for them.

I'm amazed by your journey and look forward to seeing it play out, as I'll be right there with you. Keep strong.
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#22

Postby asgoodasitgets » Sun Mar 18, 2018 7:16 am

exstonerinhell wrote: I do pity the people who are even now blazing every day with no idea what may lie in store for them.


I do too my man! When I went to my first MA meeting they had a moment of silence at the end, which was basically for the people out there still suffering. I practically burst into tears. I can't believe I lived like that for so long. So scared to face my emotions and deal with sh**. It's not a pretty process but I am growing through the pain, something that I could not have done had I continued to numb every single feeling, good and bad.

Alright, it's bedtime. Peace to my UF family....I got your back, we got this. Cheers to the future! :)

Alex
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#23

Postby reckoning » Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:18 pm

Thanks guys. This banding together through this forum is amazing for me. Makes me very grateful for the internet and the capacity it has to link us , such different folk , with so much in common, from across the world together . It's radical! Love it.

When I read great strong commitments such as "I'm never going back there" and "we got this" it gives me so much strength to hold my own convictions. And we all know we need that help. I could not do this without logging on here whenever I have a chance and following what's going on and reaching out , thanks so much.

I'm taking myself off for a few days camping. In these early autumn days in my part of the world, we've had really hot and humid days and tomorrow it continues. In the past when I've been taking myself out of the city it's been to try yet another detox and to run from what I really wasn't prepared to deal with. I am so happy to be 78 days in and so many benefits starting to emerge, and you guys covering my back. So instead of this trip being a big deal detox- it's wow self care -going for a few days under the stars in a place where the bush meets the sea.

Thanks for the kind words too about my writing @exstonerinhell. It's one thing I am getting from being on here- writing gives me pleasure. Ha it's irony that I can actually find pleasure in writing about the thing that I used to use for my short lived pleasures.

And as you say Alex , it's not a pretty process , this giving up our crutches, but hell it's actually starting to look prettier than the processes I used to engage in.

cheers Liz
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#24

Postby Wave » Sun Mar 18, 2018 9:18 pm

Great work, amazing you are seeing benefits, sounds like you are in the right mindset!!!

Camping sounds like an excellent plan, best bit about quitting is not having the sheer terror and panic of how I would bring week and being able to smoke on trip. So pleased not worrying about that!
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#25

Postby reckoning » Sun Apr 01, 2018 10:41 pm

Hey all.

Just hit the three month mark. Feeling better, and getting on with life is way more satisfying. My mindset keeps getting stronger so I'm pretty pleased about that.

Sleep remains elusive. Yep those paws still bound at me , but as I've said before I know this is because I have something new to learn. PAWS is my companion dog leading me along and making sure I get to where I want to go.

This site keeps me motivated. Thanks to everyone who posts here and shares.

Thanks to everyone who stays strong on this path. Your strength feeds my strength in a big way.

I remain committed to my path.

I've reached this plateau of the physical withdrawals and sure thing I really like the view on this mountaintop but there are other places for me to go and that means I have to descend to get to the next peak of my goals. I'll be taking my learnings with me. Taking all of you with me and keeping up all those things that benefit me. I'm going to keep going.

If you are just starting out on this journey of giving up, just keep going. The days do get better. The days I had in the beginning were really really hard . Join the site and share your pain it does help a lot. There is full understanding here and some awesome folk too.

One thing that I really like at this three month mark is that taking weed out of my life functioning kind of takes an 'urgency' out of me to get somewhere and for that getting there to be real quick.

I can wait in a queues without getting pissed off. Or walking away and not getting what I wanted.

I can sit in traffic without ruining the day or the outing being ruined, Traffic is sh** in the city I live so traffic sitting is an often happening thing!

I can put out there what I want to happen without an expectation that what I want will come to me immediately and if it doesn't come then this doesn't mean someone is against me or the world is unfair. Or that I can only want things that will happen in a certain way.

I can make a plan for something that I really want to do because I have stopped thinking that it will not work, something about it will upset me etc etc. I guess at this three month mark I am starting to tolerate anxiety and this is opening up my world for the unknown and taking me outside my comfort zone.

You know when I smoked weed I thought it made me more laid back but in reality it did not. It made me sit back and just expect what I wanted should come the moment I wanted it and if not then everything was ruined so then I needed another joint.

It's a relief to start living life without this weird kind of urgent expectation that everything has to be a certain way for it to be Ok, for me to be OK . The kinds of chance encounter I am having are starting to grow too and this makes life way more interesting.

Keep going and keep posting folk and thank you for all your strength and committment- your strength is my strength.

cheers Liz
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#26

Postby Bagobones » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:01 am

reckoning wrote:Yep those paws still bound at me , but as I've said before I know this is because I have something new to learn. PAWS is my companion dog leading me along and making sure I get to where I want to go.


Wow, madam, now thats a very cool way to see it. I choose the positivity route myself when I quit back in september 2016...
Or so I thought until I saw that sentence. hehehe. Just wow. Impressive outlook. Very impressive outlook on your sober choice...

Good luck on your journey... :)
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#27

Postby reckoning » Mon Apr 02, 2018 2:41 am

Hey thanks Bagabones, your encouragement and acknowledgement of my particular outlook is so appreciated. Yep it sure is a journey and you know what , it's one I'm really pleased to be on. Thanks to you and all the others who play a part- your strength is my strength.
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#28

Postby reckoning » Wed Apr 11, 2018 10:26 pm

Hey folks,

Day 103 today.

I've come along way. Life is better and I'm better prepared when it feels shitty. That is I'm better prepared to see my part in the shittyness that I see and feel.

I was very reactionary to old stuff yesterday at a workshop I attended. I have strong reactions to 'class' and yesterday I was around some monied ladies and it pissed me off big time. I come from a povo background . Those women with money did nothing unkind to me all to me. I just didn't like what they talked about, how they dressed, or how they saw the world . They were really fine people but I put myself on the outside and started building a wall. So it has been challenging for me to come home and really take a good hard look at my old reactionary self. Previously I would have come home and smoked my head off. It was not their fault that I came to their monied suburb ( only for the free workshop) and have got myself a parking fine for being in such a hurry and not really caring where I parked. Ha still working on thinking that I am above petty local government regulations ! Sober time is learning time too.

Reactionary stuff brings on anxiety for me so today I am reading all your great positive posts and really recognising where my 103 days have delivered me. The thing I value today is getting more insights into how I behave ( on the inside) around others.

Thanks for everyone who contributes to this site and all your reassurances that the journey is worth it.

I'm never going back there.

If you are about to head off on this journey I say DO IT. My definition of adventure is "discomfort remembered in tranquility", so when the going gets tough ( and it does) you know the adventures have began. The tranquility comes too and then more discomforts and wow before you know it, living without weed, is an adventurous life!

Keep going everyone and keep posting.
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#29

Postby TonyTheCat » Thu Apr 12, 2018 6:18 pm

Hey, Liz, day 103 - congrats!!! Three-digit number is a good sign )) It means you are pretty far away from the start point and the hardest part of the way has been passed. Keep posting, I admire your spirit!
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