Day 13

Postby Freedomhfx » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:02 pm

It feels as tho I've turned a corner on the withdrawals today. I've taken so much ibuprofen over the past 12 days that my stomach is acting up big time. Fortunately, for the first time since quitting, I did not wake with a headache; managed to get to the gym for the first time in two weeks; sweats don't seem as severe or as frequent; brain feels marginally clearer; not feeling so cranky and depressed; and was able to focus on meditation this morning. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement.

Road to recovery is fraught with highs and lows, with good days and not so good days, but the good days provide hope that it will get better. Be kind to yourself. It's a tough journey we are all on, but this place is so supportive and for that I am grateful. I don't know how I would have gotten through the past week if I hadn't discovered it.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
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#1

Postby asgoodasitgets » Sun Feb 11, 2018 5:50 am

Congratulations, so good to hear your are doing better. :) You are almost @ 2 weeks and that is phenomenal. I'm on Day 12 and I have to agree with you that things start feeling much better (or more tolerable) around this time. It sounds like your head is in the right place. Are you sleeping well? Thank you for sharing, it is so good to read posts that are empowering and inspire hope.

Also, not trying to be a stickler....but, you don't have to start a new thread each day if you don't want to. You can keep replying on the same thread, it makes following you and tracking your progress much easier. Again, I am by no means attempting to be rude, it has just been difficult to locate all of your entries as they are scattered among the various other threads.... And I want to share in your successes! :) If you prefer to do a separate thread for each day, more power to you...just wanted to share in the spirit of friendliness. All the best and congratulations! :)

-Alex
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#2

Postby Freedomhfx » Sun Feb 11, 2018 7:06 pm

Sleep? What is that?! It has eluded me now for two GD weeks!

Sleep deprivation aggravates the WD symptoms, too. I started taking a herbal - Valerian. It doesn't seem to be helping, so last night I finally took a sleep aid. Don't like to do it, but just couldn't take one more sleepless night and needed to be social today. Happy to report that the mood swings are subsiding. It's all good and I'm feeling empowered by every day that I don't give in to a craving.

My objective here is to provide honest feedback and try not to dwell on the nasty side of withdrawal. We are all living it and it sucks, but the prize is so worth the temporary discomfort. Already I've become more social than I have been in the past three months and it's wonderful to not be planning my day around tokes.

How's it going for you, Alex?

BTW, thanks for telling me about the thread. I wasn't really sure how to proceed, as this is the first 'forum' I've engaged in. No worries! I don't take offence to that sort of information sharing.
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#3

Postby Sightblack » Tue Feb 20, 2018 5:59 am

How ya doin freedom? Still fighting the good fight I hope. You care to update us?
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#4

Postby Freedomhfx » Tue Feb 20, 2018 11:10 am

Hi Sightblack. Thank you for checking in.

I’ve been updating to the thread, My journey from lost to found.

I’m doing okay. Good days and not so good ones. I’ve perservered but insomnia and headaches are extremely troublesome.

How about you?
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#5

Postby Sightblack » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:01 pm

Freedomhfx wrote:Hi Sightblack. Thank you for checking in.

I’ve been updating to the thread, My journey from lost to found.

I’m doing okay. Good days and not so good ones. I’ve perservered but insomnia and headaches are extremely troublesome.

How about you?


Well here I am at 3:21am. I thought about calling my friend Alex tonight AKA "Asgoodasitgets" because I been on the verge of taking a few hits of dabs to go to bed tonight. Thankfully it didn't come to calling him or taking hits. My wife told me I shouldn't do it... and well I just swallowed hard and fought off the urges. Fighting the urges sucks backside, but I know the harder I fight now, the easier the fight will be down the road... and I really need to get off the "wacky tabacky". I did drink a 6 pack of beer tonight so I do have a buzz... but its not a weed buzz, and while I'm not particularly proud of that, I don't really care if I drink booze or not... because booze doesn't rule my life, weed does. I'm 23 days weed free now... but I'm mortal, just like the rest of you. I still have those urges to sate the sins of the flesh. I been suffering through insomnia the same as you... and when I can sleep... I'm having some really effed up dreams and "user dreams". It seems like I'm having user dreams every other night, and vivid confusing pink floyd music video dreams on all the rest of the nights.

Here is the details of a disturbing yet extremely vivid dream I expierenced last night: I dreamt I was living in a 4 story house with my mother and father. I went to the pet shop with my mother and she asked me if I wanted anything. I'm 30 years old, if I want something I'll earn my money and buy it. I never mooch from my parents... regardless... I told her I wanted a dog-- She bought a ferret. In my dream, I assumed the ferret was a pet for her. We got home and she had my dad build a wood bed for the ferret which she brought into my room and placed neatly at the foot of my bed. She lined the bed with pillows and such and placed the ferret in the bed and remarked how cute it was. The ferret was just happily playing with the pillows and merry making. I agreed with her still assuming she was just excited to show off her new pet. She then proceeded to tell me that we (the ferret and I) were going to be really close and then remarked about how cute we would be together. I stopped her dead in her tracks and told her I have no interest in owning a ferret. They are nasty animals and if I wanted a ferret I would have bought a ferret. We had an argument about it, but my mother being stubborn as she is tried to force her will upon me. The ferret is mine. In my dream, I remember thinking that I would take it out back later that day a break its neck to be done with it and just tell her it ran away. Our argument got pretty hot and my mom left my room.

I could hear her downstairs telling my dad about some things that were completely unrelated to the ferret ordeal. She was taddling on me to my father. That made me really angry so I went downstairs to set things straight. I walked into the room they were in and leaned against the wall next to my dad. He was directly to my right hammering a nail into the wall to hang a picture. My dad has always been a listening and extremely understanding of me. He is always willing to listen to my problems with an open mind. I looked at him straight in the eyes and said "dad, this isn't about anything but the ferret mom brought home." I began to tell him that she was angry that I didn't want to accept the ferret from her and-- he drew back and punched me square in the bottom of the chest. I've been hit like that many times from my old man. It was one of those hits to the solo plexus that was meant to knock the wind out of me. I looked at him straight in the eyes for about 5 seconds completely unphased by his attack. I'm a big guy. I stand 6'3", 240lbs. Sleeved up from years in the USMC. It pissed me the F off and he knew it.

After realizing his attack on my person had no affect whatsoever, he put his arm around my back and asked me if I'd go for a walk with him as he has done many times in my younger years. He wanted to have a man to man with me since knocking the wind out of me wasn't doing the trick. We walked outside of the 4 story house.

I had just recently bought an older truck. It was a dually, I'm assuming an 80's model... painted white. It was on blocks. He asked me if I had taken the drums off of the rotors and visually inspected them yet. (I don't know what I was suppose to be inspecting them for exactly) but I told him that I had not. He then chuckled at me and told it was going to be fun as those drums were "800 pounders". I didn't know what he meant, but I told him I just hadn't got around to doing it yet, I was still unpacking. I completely forgot about him hitting me and was no longer angry at this point. We had shared some small talk about my white dually pickup that I had purchased and he poked fun at me commenting "it is gonna take you a long time to get this thing running again". I disagreed with him and he noticed I was being distant.

He asked "What are you looking at?". Instead of making eye contact with him as we were chatting I was looking over his shoulder. It then dawned on me there was an encroaching forest fire headed straight towards that 4 story house. I pointed to the fire which was probably 50 feet from our house and shouted a few choice profanities. He told me to run in and grab whatever was important to me and gtfo of that house.

I ran straight into the house sounding the alarm for my mother to get her sh*t she wanted to keep and gtfo of that house. She took my alarm seriously as I was scrambling up those 4 flights of stairs to my room. I conveniently picked the room on the 4th floor. The stairs were lacquered wood that made horribly loud noises as I stomped up those things as fast as I could go. I got into my room, ran straight for my Mosrite guitar (which is actually in my room right now) one of my pride and joy guitars that I paid wayyyyyy to much money for.

I grabbed that guitar and only that guitar and ran as fast as I could down all those stairs outside the house. When I broke out of the front door, the fire-- which was about 50 feet away when I entered was all of about 10 feet away from the front door on the right. I ran to my broken down truck on blocks and leaned the guitar in its case against the truck. I immediately realized I didn't have my gun on me. I carry a 1911 kimber .45 EVERYWHERE I go in real life. I ran back into the house as my mom was headed out of the door. I remember noting that she had a bunch of dumb sh*t like wedding dresses and shoes that she was trying to save-- her arms at full capacity wrapped tightly around all of these things.

I stomped up those 4 flights of stairs again skipping every 3rd step. I got into my room and started looking for my 1911. I opened a drawer of my dresser and found 3 guns. (I own ALOT of guns)... so I grabbed them up... I opened my night stand... another gun... but not my 1911. Looked under my bed and found a broken gun that I have been working to repair. I grabbed it too. Everywhere I looked I found a gun other than the one I was looking for.

My father then yelled "I found you gun!" With both relief and panic, I shot down those stairs again and out the front door. I remember how hot the room was which I had to enter to get out of the front door. I met my mom and my dad near my truck as the house was beginning to engulf the house. My dad handing me the gun... it was a Sig P238... (my wifes gun).......

I didn't say anything to him... I accepted that gun from him and in a very sad manner just let all the guns fall out of my arms onto the tailgate of my broken down truck. I was competely destroyed that I wasn't able to find my 1911. I terrible feeling of dread and sadness overcame me right as--

My wife woke me up.

I do not normally dream... and when I do, the details are vague at best. I can remember so many intricate details of this dream. I can't sleep hardly at all... and when I do... I'm having really effed up dreams.

Any feedback is welcomed from you guys.
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#6

Postby Freedomhfx » Tue Feb 20, 2018 12:35 pm

That was one hell of a freaky dream! There is a theme to it, tho, and this is just my humble interpretation.

You are fighting a battle inside 24/7. You wanted something to help ease it and if we are lucky, we can go to our loved ones when we are in despair (hence going to your mom & dad), but you didn't get what you needed (the ferret rather than a dog); your dad trying different ways to get your attention; your mom carrying weird stuff out of the fire. They mean well, but unless they've walked the walk, it's impossible to understand.

It feels like everything is going to sh**, with too many heights to climb and fires to stomp out? The weight of the rotors might represent the weight of WD. We think that just one toke will solve everything (if I could just find that 1911)? Everything and every day is a battle within yourself. Who will you be when you aren't using? What are the important things in your life? What grounds you (maybe music, hence saving the guitar/case?). Your truck isn't running, but you love it anyway and you will have it running again just the way you like it; however, it won't be easy (truck represents you)? Just some thoughts to ponder.

I have weird and vivid dreams, too, when I can get to sleep. I've not had any user dreams, tho. Just odd, non-sensical crap. Last night I was caught up in a pending flood and tsunami, but no one else was concerned. I've likened it to washing myself clean from the addiction, something I must do alone. Only I can save myself(?)

Hope this helps.
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#7

Postby Sightblack » Tue Feb 20, 2018 1:51 pm

That is a very interesting interpretation. I believe you might be hitting on point with alot of those lines. As I was just telling Alex, I'm fine throughout the day, but when my family goes to sleep and I'm left up by myself... there is nothing much to think about except a self reflection. I'm not very happy with myself being a user these last 11 years and I feel like a real piece of sh*t. My only solace is knowing I am moving in the right direction for a change. I am really disgusted with myself, and I have been since I got sober. It is a good feeling to finally start owning the situation but when I get lonely in the AM, it is a real battle of emotions I haven't dealt with in a long time. I just been so used to numbing all these years.

My dad thinks the dream has alot to do with 16 and 17 year old me and disappointment with him and my mother. I don't disagree entirely with him, but I don't agree entirely either. Between you, Alex, and my dad... I think you are all hitting it right on the nose. I wish I knew exactly how to interpret my feelings and emotions but I can't really interep anymore than just feeling like a piece of sh*t. I don't feel bad for myself... I just feel dirty and like I've been wasting away.

In some of my previous posts in my thread, I said I wasn't dealing with any overbearing emotional strain but I'm coming to the realization that may not be true at all, especially in the AM when I'm alone and left to my devices.

One thing I can say with 100% confidence is that I don't want to smoke weed anymore.

I hope that you can draw some kind of strength from me sharing all this with you and if you want or need my support, you need but reach out to me. I'm here for you and anybody else that is struggling with addiction.
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#8

Postby ReynoldsJam » Tue Feb 20, 2018 4:16 pm

Well done on giving up :) wish I was as strong as you, the dream you had was mad, I gave up smoking it in the day, just a hit at night so i can get to sleep for WoRK in morning, I still get crazy dreams at night, wierd place's, its like my family are always there but I'm not with them in my dream, people with guns trying to casually shoot people, i have my 177 rifle sometimes and its scary as ... I always hide or walk to safety but can still the bad guys shooting. Wierd. Never no police, its normal for people to walk around shooting or trying to shoot people in my dream.people in the shops are like come in here your be okay... Mad. Anyway good luck all. Wish you a great recovery . This place has seeded me thoughts and am closer to my goal.
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#9

Postby Sightblack » Wed Feb 21, 2018 12:28 pm

ReynoldsJam wrote:Well done on giving up :) wish I was as strong as you, the dream you had was mad, I gave up smoking it in the day, just a hit at night so i can get to sleep for WoRK in morning, I still get crazy dreams at night, wierd place's, its like my family are always there but I'm not with them in my dream, people with guns trying to casually shoot people, i have my 177 rifle sometimes and its scary as ... I always hide or walk to safety but can still the bad guys shooting. Wierd. Never no police, its normal for people to walk around shooting or trying to shoot people in my dream.people in the shops are like come in here your be okay... Mad. Anyway good luck all. Wish you a great recovery . This place has seeded me thoughts and am closer to my goal.


I think you can get it if you keep trying Reynolds. I just woke up, its 425am here. I slept from about 1am to now and I had probably like 10 nightmares in that time. Sadly, the same thing happened last night. Very little sleep and terrible nightmares. I'm going to try to pickup some malatonin tomorrow and hope that helps. I'm just going through a tough patch right now but I'm not giving up and neither should you. Although I do understanding you got work and NEED sleep. Just do the best you can. We are here for you.

Sb
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