My Journey from Lost to Found

#15

Postby Freedomhfx » Tue Mar 27, 2018 1:39 am

Liz, so happy to hear you are doing well and thank you for sharing. It is amazing how we do our damnedest to make relationships work by ignoring the glaringly obvious crap And resorting to the bud. Oh, I’ve been there, too. It seems that any time I’ve been ready to pull the plug on a relationship, I find myself using again; hence the on again off again relationship I’ve had with weed over the years. So good to hear that sleep is getting regulated for you. Gives me hope!! Something else I’ve been thinking about is the difference between my brain and my mind. When I feel crappy, I identify if it’s my brain regulating/healing or is it my mind doing some stinkin thinkin. It centers me and I feel a sense of control. It might seem like a weird concept, but it works for me. Sleep well and keep moving!!!
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#16

Postby Freedomhfx » Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:10 am

65 days, but who’s counting?! Things seem to be settling down. Headaches not as frequent and sleeping pattern is getting better but not the best. The sweats still suck but are lessening up. All in all, I can’t complain other than the fact that I just plain miss having a puff and escaping from my sh** from time to time.

Where I live, legalization of cannabis is weeks away with the target group being 19 years of age. You’ll be able to buy it in liquor stores. It will be regulated, but illegal distributors are pushing Shatter now. God help them all.

In terms of brain maturity, People are still children at 19. Brains are still developing until the age of 25. Breaks my heart to know how difficult it is to quit this and just how much this is going to change the lives of so many, not to mention the face of mental health care. Feeling thoughtful tonite, but determined. Stay strong!
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#17

Postby Freedomhfx » Sun Apr 22, 2018 2:32 pm

3 months today. Twelve long weeks but never long enough, it seems. I should be proud of myself but I’m worn out with the headaches and sleep problems and I’m feeling lost and angry.

I have no regrets about getting clean and I dont want to get back to being a stoner, but I sure do wish I felt more interested in life than I am. It’s a beautiful day in my neck of the woods and all I can do is sit here hiding away from the world. PAWS, maybe? One day at a time.
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#18

Postby Freedomhfx » Sat Sep 22, 2018 6:11 pm

Thought I'd check in today and see how everyone is doing. I'm just coming up to 8 months weed-free and I hardly think about it anymore. It wasn't easy to get to this place and I had a few very rocky intervals throughout the summer with stressful situations arising, but didn't give in. I'm so glad I didn't, but here I am at that point where I begin to think, one toke won't hurt. It's that place that always takes me under again.

I've accepted my life and quite like it with the clear thinking, but my motivation is still lacking to some extent. I'm thinking it is just a bad habit now, so took a part-time job a couple of weeks ago. I'm exhausted at the end of the day but it's a good exhaustion because I'm using a part of my brain that hasn't been too busy over the summer months.

In my neck of the woods, cannabis will become legal and will be sold in our liquor stores on October 1st. I think it will be a bit more difficult for me because I really loved the cannabis high. I'll be hanging on by my fingernails for a while, I suspect.

Fortunately, none of my friends are users, so when October 1st rolls around, it will just be another day for all of them.

I am thinking about all of you who have taken the plunge. I applaud you and you should applaud yourselves...daily. Keep up the good fight!
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#19

Postby BullFrog » Sun Sep 23, 2018 3:49 pm

Freedom, you are amazing and your log is an incredible testament to human strength. I know you will be able to fight the temptation when October 1st comes around. Be with your friends and take comfort in things you love.

And a million thanks to keeping your log up to date. Please keep checking in and know every time you post, it helps many of us who are struggling with PAWS. We all are going at it in our own way and, because of that, it can be terribly lonely. This forum and people like you are a way I believe God reaches down to help us during these difficult times.

I pray for everyone in this forum, and that includes you. So know that we are all cheering for your success! We are all just waiting for that next post when you tell about another success in being clean, another success in feeling a little bit better, all the while anticipating your last post of recovery where life is all good and normal again.

Have a blessed week, friend!
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#20

Postby Freedomhfx » Sun Sep 23, 2018 10:52 pm

Thank you. You have a great week, too!
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#21

Postby BullFrog » Thu Oct 04, 2018 11:28 pm

@Freedom, how are you doing these days? It's been almost 6 months since you last jumped on. Hopefully this post can send you an e-mail alert so you know we are all wondering how you are doing.
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#22

Postby Freedomhfx » Fri Oct 05, 2018 9:51 am

Hi Bullfrog. I'm in my tenth month now and things are much better. I've had some stressful situations, as is life, but managed to stay the course. For the most part, I don't think about taking a toke but when I do, I remember that if I succumb because I'm not comfortable with my feelings, it won't change anything and will put me back at square one with another problem - quitting again.

It hasn't been easy but it is getting easier. Every situation I get through without the weed is a victory and a new or reinforced neuro-pathway. Daily headaches are gone and my brain is much clearer and sharper and my short-term memory is pretty good. All these things help me to see that my decision was the best one for me.

I hope you are doing well and feeling progress as time passes. Thank you for checking in and don't hesitate to call on me, should you need a cheerleader...any time, my friend.
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#23

Postby BullFrog » Fri Oct 05, 2018 2:49 pm

Hey Freedom. Wonderful to hear! I'm so happy for you that you are experiencing improvement in virtually every way. Taking this route is definitely best for you and you can clearly see that now. Awesome job at overcoming obstacles and being free from weed. And, as always, hearing improvements from others is always good for those like us who are recovering as well.

I hope you have a great weekend, and I look forward to your next update!
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#24

Postby Freedomhfx » Tue Nov 06, 2018 6:17 pm

Oh dear. I fell off the wagon this week after 10 months. I'm so disappointed in myself and I didn't feel good at all after having a toke. That is the good news.

Today is a new day and a slip certainly does not negate all the months of being cannabis-free. I didn't like how I felt at all and that surprised me. Now I know that I don't want that stuff in my life. I've forged a new way of living and it is so much better than the life I lead this time last year. I'll get past it, I guess, but I am disappointed in myself.
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#25

Postby ashthewarrior7 » Tue Nov 06, 2018 8:22 pm

Freedomhfx, that sounds like your old neural pathways are finally being blocked and your mind has setup barriers and understanding that weed is not good for you. That's a plus. Why are you disappointed? You went 10 months and lost just one day, that's at least 300 days won vs 1 day lost. It's not supposed to be a high score or streak, it's supposed to be going and avoiding as much as you can, and you've done a colossal job of that. The 1 year younger you is extremely proud of you, he probably wouldn't have believed it either. Keep going and winning!
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#26

Postby Freedomhfx » Wed Nov 07, 2018 12:14 am

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I felt so bad I wasn’t going to write but that’s why we are on this forum - for emotional support from folks who completely understand the journey. Hope you are doing well, too! All the best!
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#27

Postby cleanofgreen » Wed Nov 07, 2018 10:09 am

Don't worry about the one toke, at least you know now that it feels bad to smoke and that should make it easier to get it off your mind in the future. I mean you don't crave being tortured, so why would you crave something thats going to make you feel bad straight away, no joy from that.
I remember when I first started smoking I had to learn to enjoy it, the first few tokes I felt really bad, I even had a white out on the first one. But silly old me persisted and then eventually it became enjoyable or maybe I just became dependent and obsessed with it. Maybe you were like me and had to learn to enjoy it, kind of like an acquired taste. I'am actually afraid of the thought of smoking now and I like it that way.

That one toke won't set back the progress you've made, just keep on pushing through.

Good luck and stay strong.
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#28

Postby Freedomhfx » Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:49 am

Thank you for commenting. I was curious or I wouldn't have given it a go on Sunday. My life is better without the bud and it is good to know that I made the right choice for me. I used to have a lot of frontal lobe headaches when I smoked and after I quit that headache lingered for months. The morning after I toked, the headache was back again and my ears have been ringing ever since. Good to know what causes it and that I do have full control of it. Today is a new day and I'm feeling better about the situation, particularly because folks like you have been supportive and I know you do get it. One slip up does not negate all the hundreds of days I have under my belt. Today's a new day and I'm ready for it! Best of luck to you, too, my friend.
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