8 months clean from MJ

Postby Lolacoaster » Thu Feb 15, 2018 9:04 am

I quit on the 1st of July last year and have managed to remain 100% free of weed. Shortly after I made my last post here in August - I applied for, and miraculously got my dream job... like, my ultimate DREAM job... it required me to move cities and basically start a whole new life which I've done. The job is full time and extremely demanding of me, physically and mentally. There's no way that I could survive and smoke like I was. I'm proud of where I'm at in my career and that continues to motivate me to continue on the sober path, but I'm still struggling in myself. I have very bad anxiety, particularly socially. I feel as though I've spent so much time alone, and am so comfortable in my own company now that I don't know how to have friends, or to be a friend. I occasionally make plans, and only because I feel like I should - when I don't cancel (I usually cancel), I am a total weirdo! I always come home kicking myself over all of the insane over-sharing type things I said. I'm pretty sure that my colleagues and the few acquaintances I have think I'm absolutely neurotic, and I am.

I think that being away from my old city and dealer has been what's made this quit possible because I do very occasionally think about smoking and if I had easy access like I did, I honestly might not have lasted this long. I seem to go through phases of feeling OK and sleeping normally and then I'll hit a bad patch and I go off the rails. Lately I'm feeling insane, mainly caused by insomnia, perfectionism and OCD type thinking about work and also my house. I live alone in a really beautiful place and am obsessed with keeping things clean and perfect. The house was actually broken into, robbed and ransacked over Christmas which really freaked me out and since then, I haven't felt quite right. It's like I'm a bit scared here alone but I also don't want to leave - it's such a sanctuary for me. I was seeing a therapist before I moved, I really clicked with him and felt almost too attached to him to go and find a new one in my new city though today I've gone and gotten a referral. I haven't made an appointment and I'm really nervous that I wont like them anywhere near as much as I liked my old one.

Anyhoo, writing helps me to organise my thoughts. I might start posting back here again. Thanks for reading.
Lolacoaster
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Postby dariaengse » Fri Feb 16, 2018 1:08 am

Thanks for sharing, this could almost be me. I quit a week after you did and also started a new life in a new city. Don´t think I would have been able to stop without moving away. Got accepted to a great uni degree I started on and my job on the side pays twice my old one and is much more stressful, would never been able to pull any of this off if I hand´t quit weed.

The anxiety thing also resonates with me. It´s not that easy functioning socially after isolating myself more and more over the last 7 years not developing emotionally. And on top of that I´m certain I still have some anxiety issues from the weed. Heart beats faster at times, I have ruminating thoughts and struggle to fall asleep. Luckily it´s getting better. I have a presentation next week in front of 20 people. In the old days at high school this would have been a piece of cake, even used to have a little fun with these kinds of things and wing a lot of it, more overly confident and cocky instead of anxious. Last semester I don´t know if I would have been able to handle it due to the anxiety symptoms. Heart palpitations, hot flashes and stuff. Now it´s gonna be all right, but I´m still not happy with my anxiety levels.

Anyways, I´m just glad I´m not alone, really nice to hear your story! Seems like you´re doing good with your career and your sanctuary. Just keep going and it´ll get even better! I think our brains are still readjusting at this point after 8 months and we´ll come out so much stronger and well adjusted after this experience
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