If only I ever been in a relationship..even once

Postby stevejonathan11 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:54 am

well, where should I start. you can call me "Steve", though it isn't my actual name (I have privacy concern), I'm 23 years old (my real age). I have never been with a girl, not even kissed a girl. and the idea of being single all these fkn years is driving me insane and angry. I get physically stressed and upset. my mental health is really messed up, my soul feels empty and dead. I no longer even want to live. each day when I drive to college and back home, I wish I get in car crash that results in my death or at least leaving me in a coma and then death. I'm not suicidal, at least not yet, but I feel that I will get there eventually since now and then I punch myself in the face because it feels good. I'm so tired of having to accept that I'm 23 y o and haven't felt a girl's warmth, love, intimacy, etc. it is like a dream that I will never achieve, it is like as impossible as turning back time to me. I'm currently in college and will graduate in a year (that is if I don't repeat a course again). I have been in college for 5 god damn long years, 5.5 counting this fkn semester. Hell, it drives me crazy that all these years in college I was single ffs. the idea in my community is that you shouldn't get married unless you finish college and find a fkn job. since they think marriage = just money. only the fkn wedding would cost a bit (which I can afford), after that me and my "dream" wife would help each other!! hell, I have had friends who got married after high school. another issue is finding the girl, which isn't even easy because fk them that's why. and because we no longer live a simpler life (at least in my community). it is funny, technology is evolving but living is getting harder and more complex. so again, I'm really sick of being single, it really is making me unhealthy in every way possible, at least that how I feel. I keep thinking that I will end up reaching 30s like some unfortunate people and still be single and virgin. but I think before that I would have killed myself already (hell, here I visit you). I even started to not go out much, since it drives me crazy seeing couples. I hate going to cinemas, shopping, etc because of that. no, I don't want to do all these things with friends, I don't want that. I want to actually do that with someone I have relationship with. I can remember a time where I went to buy something from some shopping mall and as I was walking looking forward, there was some couples holding hands. so, I looked the other way so that I don't make myself feel jealous, but then there was another couple. and guess what, as I wanted to look away just so that I don't feel myself jealousy again, I found myself surrounded with couples!!! I kept thinking, is god or the universe trying to piss me off wtf! and then when I reached home, I kept crying and feeling sad until I fell asleep. those couples deserve to be happy, but do I not deserve what they have. haven't I waited long enough. haven't I suffered enough. am I cursed to be single, I don't care if you think I'm still young, I feel so old. I have so much love (to that one person) to give, but there isn't any one to give it to. it is worse than hiding your anger. it already bugs me watching people fall in love in movies and tv shows. imagine when I see that in real life, like they wouldn't be together if they didn't like/love each other. this isn't like watching rich people with their fancy cars and houses. I don't care about being rich or money generally (im thankful that I can make myself, well so far), this isn't envy too, cause in my mind love is priceless, since I'm also a romantic person, but never had the chance to show it. I sometimes get these amazing dreams where I'm with a girl doing couple's things, wish these dreams are much longer. I even wake up so happy and joyful for some time, but then remember it is just a dream and not reality. I can only imagine how it would feel if it was a reality. I try to distract myself, by focusing on my studies, going for a drive with no destination, working out a bit, but no use, you can't really just distract yourself like that. I'm constantly in a fight with myself, as in, I try to tell myself not to worry, you are still young, you will graduate soon and find yourself a girl, but no use, my other self jumps right in and tells me otherwise. I feel like I have no purpose to keep living, what's the point of living if you don't share it with someone. it saddens me knowing that every time I go out, I don't use the words: "honey, do you want me to get you something on my way back?" and she replies: "no thanks love". it saddens me waking up next to no one. it saddens me coming home and asking: "how was your day". it saddens not sharing my thoughts and emotions with a close person. it saddens me that I never even experienced "puppy love" with a girl. It saddens me that I haven't been in a relationship throughout my stupid long college time. I know that the reality is different than in movies or whatever, relationships don't always end up happily, there are also sad times. But at least some couples were happy for years before ending their relationship for whatever reason. Something is better than nothing!!! let's be real here, ofc I masturbate since I'm still a virgin (duh). but believe it or not I only do it because where the fk would I "relieve" my fkn energy, if not by masturbating then it will happen naturally while sleeping. I'm frankly sick of that, since it also disgusts me. I want more, I want to have actual physical intimacy with a human being, not with my hand. even though I never experienced sex, just in my dreams a few times, which isn't even an experience, but I feel that sex without emotions is meaningless unless you are looking for meaningless sex then that's a different story. ofc for my first time it would be wonderful, but if the person I would have sex with lacks emotions or not emotionally connected with me, then I don't want that. my only wish in this entire shitty world is finding a girl to love and share my life with, in misery and in health. as I stated earlier, I think love is priceless. sometimes I wish that I was a fkn robot, with no feelings just so that I don't have these negative feelings, even maybe the positive feelings. another thing is that, it is not getting easier for me, every day I find myself thinking that there are billions of people in this fkn world and they are increasing, how is it that I still haven't found someone to be with (my community isn't helping too). I can't sleep sometimes because of that. every day is a struggle, hell, even every hour is a struggle, time feels way slow, each week feels like a month. it is not getting easier but life is sh** and hard anyways, despite the struggle of facing the reality and my thoughts, I still move on while I'm very broken inside. I fear that I will give up one day and simply break down and never get up. for god sake, even Adam and Eve had each other in the heaven and that was the heaven!! it makes me anxious just thinking of that. everyday I find myself even struggling to sleep, in fact, I wrote all this because I can't sleep. when I'm finally asleep, I'm still not at peace, sleeping just shut downs my brain for a short period of time. I have always wondered what is worse, a girl in the same position as I'm or a guy. like, is it worse for a girl my age to still be virgin and single or not. I really can't tell, do girls have more "patience" or not. for both genders it is still bad. We humans, naturally are created to be with each other, if you don't have the other you, you are simply defying nature and it is dangerous!! But what if live doesn't want you be with a partner!! this is not simply overthinking as you might think, it is a problem I have been having for years, the idea of being virgin and single is killing me emotionally and mentally, hell, I wonder why I still haven't gotten a brain attack and simply never woken up. I also keep thinking, are all these people who got married because it was their time and destiny, but my time hasn't been reached yet. it really worries me. anyways, as I was writing all this I was pissed and still I'm, though I feel a bit better, at least for now. just wanted to share this online and in "suitable" website/forum I found on google. thanks for reading I guess..
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 16, 2018 6:15 am

Even once requires dedicated focus on the very first step.

A person can’t be wasting all of their time fantasizing about losing the big championship game, when they have not even made it to the opening game. A person is just wasting time thinking about some fantasy future wife, if they have not yet even had a date.

Time is a resource. Work on redirecting and staying focused on short term steps that get you to the first date. Any and all time used thinking past a first date is time wasted.
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#2

Postby stevejonathan11 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 3:15 pm

But..you are not allowed to have dates in my "community" because of traditions and religion beliefs. So, what can I do about that? Leave my community and move to another country? I cant just leave like that...
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 16, 2018 4:03 pm

stevejonathan11 wrote:But..you are not allowed to have dates in my "community" because of traditions and religion beliefs. So, what can I do about that? Leave my community and move to another country? I cant just leave like that...


If you can’t switch games, i.e. you don’t want to leave soccer to go play cricket, well then you better damn well stop lamenting about what cricket has to offer and how in soccer the rules are different than cricket and how the rules of soccer are keeping you from winning a trophy in life.

Instead, you accept the limits of soccer and then you focus in on what you need to do in order to get off the bench and into the game. You don’t sit around fantasizing about winning a trophy that is a long ways off while all the other guys are focused and busy practicing how to kick the ball.

In other words, there are obviously guys in your community that are establishing successful relationships with women. Your community has a path for men and women to establish relationships. Whatever that path, you are so busy wasting time imagining some future wife far off down the path, that you’re not doing the work right in front of you that is necessary to make progress.

What is the very next step you need to take? Finish school?
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 16, 2018 4:49 pm

Thought about this a bit more. Maybe a different example will be more clear.

You are on island “A” which is your community.

You know about islands “B” and “C”, different communities with different dating customs.

You are not willing to leave your island, your community. THEN STOP wasting time fantasizing and giving a crap about how other communities or islands are different than your island. If you’re not going to leave, stop looking at other islands and making comparisons. It doesn’t do you any good.

On your island there are certain dating customs. And instead of focusing and taking the next step to get a date, you are wasting time fantasizing about a far off future wife. While other men are successfully navigating the customs on your island, you are day dreaming about other islands and some far off future.

Stop day dreaming, stop comparing to other communities dating customs, figure out the very next step you need to take, e.g. finish school and then focus on completing that step.
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#5

Postby stevejonathan11 » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:56 pm

I understand what you mean, and I agree with you, in a way. The "dating customs" here is just stupid regardless if I finish school or not. As I mentioned, I have had friends who got married after high school, and some friends who are married while still studying in college, it isn't necessarily that I need to finish college, which is my point in all this. I know I shouldn't compare myself to them, their destiny is different than mine, their time already came, and mine simply hasn't. Anyways, in the end, it is the "dating customs" which I dont like here, never had, and never will. Everything in this "island" is very good, except the "dating customs". I guess I cant have it all can I. Im aware that I think far off the future, but I was thinking the same 2-3 years ago, as I in the past future is now the present, and the present hasnt really changed, still the same thing, my present I mean. You would think it is because I still havent finished school, I disagree of this thought. What even guarantees me that I would even find a job fast enough after I finish school then "think" of marrying? You are now thinking that I need to finish one step at a time, it shouldn't supposed to be this way, do this first then do that next. The community in this "island" was a lot simpler and easy in the past (20-30 years ago) in regards of "dating customs". Now it has gotten harder and more complicated ("dating customs"), I dont know why to be honest. I guess their way of thinking has gotten "worse" and even more stupid, the way of living here (socially) should have improved...
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Feb 16, 2018 6:32 pm

Yep, rules change, cultures shift and modify over time on your island as well as every other island in the world. The dating customs on your island and every island were much different in 3000 BC, different in 1800 AD, even different in 1970. Easier, harder...doesn’t make a difference. People got married and procreated under all of these conditions.

You live in the world that is, not the world of your personal opinion of how it “should” be. Whatever the rules of your island, complaining about how the rules “should be” won’t even get you a prize for participation. You might as well sit on the sidelines and watch all the other guys that play the game using the rules of today.

And this applies to more than dating. You play with the rules you got, not the rules you wish for.
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#7

Postby Candid » Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:37 am

stevejonathan11 wrote:another issue is finding the girl, which isn't even easy because fk them that's why.


This sounds like the core of the problem. You want a fantasy wife but you don't like the girls around you enough to make friends with them. Is that right?
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