Attachment disorder - newly discovered

Postby Desperate100 » Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:05 am

My experience of life and people very much mirrors the post put up by Simonh0407 below.
viewtopic.php?t=73784

I could have almost written every word in fact.

I would like to know what I can do about stopping these wrenching feelings from occurring or reduce them considerably. I have a great woman in my life and all seemed well until this problem arrived on the scene, and it came along because I nearly lost her from my life and the pain from almost losing her is what seemed to open me up to feeling the love that I had for her, but which I did not think I had. The vulnerability and anxiety are all new feelings for me, and the general and ever present unease, always feeling "on edge" plus apprehension/fear which are present too.
These feelings are ever present - every second of every minute of ever hour of every days that I am not with my woman.

What can I do about this?
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#1

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:21 pm

You might want to check out the book & website by John Gray - Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.
He gives some really great relationship advice, & answers questions on them, too.
That book really helped me with what it takes to ensure both partners are satisfied in the relationship, & therefore how to ensure the relationship is successful.
https://www.marsvenus.com/
Insecurity & being vulnerable is a part of what it takes to have a successful relationship. Managing those feelings so that we feel good in the relationship, just takes some work from both partners.
You can't look to her to make you feel better each time you feel insecure, & vice versa. That also has to come from within. However, as you both learn to give the other what they need in the relationship (within the boundaries of healthy relationship needs), your anxiety should lessen.
In reading that book, I came to learn to understand why both parties need space sometimes, & how it can actually improve the relationship.

I must add, that this is very different from having genuine, warranted concerns that your partner is not as committed to the relationship, as you are. Communication is key, here.

Hope that helps a little.
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#2

Postby Desperate100 » Wed Apr 25, 2018 6:51 pm

Since I wrote my post, I have stopped feeling as I was. I have also stopped seeing the woman I referred to.

But also, your reply hasn't helped me (I just don't understand much of what you wrote). I can't read books either (I don't have the patience and I'm not fond of words either). I am done with people too. They are just not worth it.

Also, I don't want to "work" just to have a decent relationship with someone. Its too much compromising for what another person gives you, which is questionable at best anyway.

I am so done.
Last edited by Desperate100 on Wed Apr 25, 2018 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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#3

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Apr 25, 2018 6:54 pm

Hopefully it might just help someone else, if not you.
I hope you find your inner peace & balance. It can't be nice, feeing that way. If you're not prepared to put in the work, then things are unlikely to change for you.
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#4

Postby Candid » Thu Apr 26, 2018 6:21 am

Distancing yourself from other people is the most destructive symptom of attachment disorder. https://psychologenie.com/attachment-disorder-in-adults
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#5

Postby Desperate100 » Thu Apr 26, 2018 5:57 pm

Perhaps, but I cannot afford multi-sessions therapy and I also don't qualify for welfare.
Being away from people has also been much less painful than being with people, that is for sure.
I also like being alone too and its much less trouble all round.
With people, you just can't have the good without the bad. This much I have come to understand about human life.

I know I am avoiding, but I see no realistic option for me, given the particulars of myself, my experiences and the way things are arranged in life.

And also, the widespread but unproven claim that "all people are social" is not one I subscribe to. There is much variance in humans, as there is in the rest of nature. Yet humans, while they promote and encourage variance and diversity in the rest of nature, suppress it in their own species.
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#6

Postby Candid » Fri Apr 27, 2018 6:32 am

It's true, not everyone needs people. There was a man who went off and lived on an island by himself, like Robinson Crusoe, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Neale. But I don't think you are one of those people.

Other People bring plenty of irritation and frustration, but they also bring the only real happiness and meaning in life, too -- which is why we have so many movies about two people who start off annoying each other and end up falling in love. It was the late, great Louise Hay who wrote: "Life's very hard on those who choose to go it alone."

I have every confidence your therapist has already spotted attachment trauma in you, and will do what he can to give you a more optimistic view of life, yourself, and Other People.
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#7

Postby Desperate100 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:52 am

Candid wrote:It's true, not everyone needs people. There was a man who went off and lived on an island by himself, like Robinson Crusoe. But I don't think you are one of those people.


Such a comment exemplifies one of the problems with ourselves, in that we think we know when we do not.
In fact, as a species, we know very, very little about life, but we think we know far more.

Candid wrote:Other People bring plenty of irritation and frustration, but they also bring the only real happiness and meaning in life, too


Actually, nothing outside of our minds can bring or give us happiness, including people. This is a common myth.
And meaning does not exist in reality. It is a modern invention, like purpose and all ideas. Since meaning does not exist, it cannot be applied to anything in reality.

Candid wrote:I have every confidence your therapist has already spotted attachment trauma in you, and will do what he can to give you a more optimistic view of life, yourself, and Other People.


You must not have read my post - I am not in therapy.
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#8

Postby Desperate100 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:04 am

Candid wrote:It's true, not everyone needs people. There was a man who went off and lived on an island by himself, like Robinson Crusoe. But I don't think you are one of those people.


Such a comment exemplifies one of the problems with ourselves, in that we think we know when we do not.
In fact, as a species, we know very, very little about life, but we think we know far more. And human language is so simplistic, woefully insufficient and primitive that it fails to provide its members with what it needs to do.

Candid wrote:Other People bring plenty of irritation and frustration, but they also bring the only real happiness and meaning in life, too


Actually, nothing outside of our minds can bring or give us true happiness, including people. That people can bring or give us happiness is a common myth, a long standing myth & falsehood that has been woven into the tapestry of human history and from which all who are born are inculcated with.

And meaning does not exist in reality. It is a modern invention, like purpose and all ideas/concepts. Beliefs too. Since meaning does not exist, it is invalid to apply it to anything in reality. Only the removal of all suffering returns us to happiness and each person is in charge of that suffering and only each person who suffers has the ability to remove their suffering from their minds, which is where suffering and happiness reside, but not concurrently as they are mutually exclusive.

All of us actually already have happiness, since we are all born that way. But over 95% of the world's population cannot experience their happiness because of the suffering that manifests over time (from around 5 years of age and onwards) and which over 95% of the world live with, constantly.

I was able to remove my suffering once before and I was in a state of continuous "bliss" for over 2 years. I don't know why I have returned to suffering again.

Candid wrote:I have every confidence your therapist has already spotted attachment trauma in you, and will do what he can to give you a more optimistic view of life, yourself, and Other People.


You must not have read my post - I am not in therapy.
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#9

Postby Candid » Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:42 am

Well, you tricked me by calling yourself by a similar name to a friend I've known for years on this forum! :?

I agree with you that we need to feel at least okay about ourselves before we put ourselves Out There. You can't get close to other people without revealing yourself, and people will usually fall in with your vision of yourself. If you're unhappy, it shows. It's all too common for people who think badly of themselves to attract people who will make them feel worse.

I stand by my assertion that relationship is the only game in town. My relationship with myself is the most important one in my life, because if I start feeling bad about myself the game's up. It's also worth noting that Tom Neale ultimately left his island and went back to civilisation because he was getting on and didn't want to die alone.

Do you have a reference for stating that more than 95 per cent of the world's population suffer as you do, or did you just make it up? It sounds unlikely to me. I'm not going to take issue with "meaning does not exist" except to say that our lives have only the meaning we ascribe to them.

By the way, attachment disorder is a major part of Complex PTSD, which you may or may not have explored.

I'm curious as to how you removed your suffering and were in "continuous bliss" for more than two years. Can you remember how you managed this? And would you share your technique with us?

I can assure you I've read all your posts, and I'm surprised now that I didn't realize you were a new member. My long-time friend here has just started therapy.
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#10

Postby Desperate100 » Sun Apr 29, 2018 5:33 pm

Candid wrote:I stand by my assertion that relationship is the only game in town.


Its not. Being alone for most or all of one's life is an option, albeit one that is historically been placed on the periphery and portrayed as an undesirable choice. The above statement is an unexamined and unproven assertion and is one of many that are casually repeated, by people who don't actually know what the truth is, but it is taken as fact because it is part of the narrative with which we are conditioned in life, from birth. And since accurate analysis of all people is impossible, such an assertion can never be known as a fact, either way.

I accept that some people like to be in a relationship and/or have friends, although exactly what form that engagement with people takes is very open and massively variable/adjustable. But that all of us must have a relationship or friends, for some alleged benefit, is a falsehood and it assumes that we are all the same, when in fact, we are all unique.
People cannot actually bring us or give us anything of value. They mostly bring distraction, novelty and moments of pleasure. That we believe that they bring us far more is just that - a belief. We make it up in our minds.

Candid wrote:Do you have a reference for stating that more than 95 per cent of the world's population suffer as you do, or did you just make it up? It sounds unlikely to me.


Suffering is not limited to serious, unwanted and destabilizing states of mind. It also includes the following;

Anger
Frustration
Arguing
Disappointment
Expectations
Assumptions
Fighting
Beliefs
Ideas/concepts
Imagination
Fantasy
Worries & fears
Goals/aims/desires

Since most people in the world will have some or all of these elements in their mind, they will experience suffering. This is where I come up with the figure of over 95%, which I admit is not a calculated figure, but one that is an estimate based on what almost everyone experiences in life, which is not dissimilar to almost everyone else.

The issue with the above is that we have been taught to believe that the above are "part of normal life" and so they are to be expected and thus, accepted. But they are not intrinsic to our being and so we don't actually have to have them. Any of them.

Candid wrote:I'm not going to take issue with "meaning does not exist" except to say that our lives have only the meaning we ascribe to them.


Meaning only exists if you think it does. But thinking it does or believing that It does, does not make it a real thing. Nor does it change anything in reality though, for anyone.

Candid wrote:I'm curious as to how you removed your suffering and were in "continuous bliss" for more than two years. Can you remember how you managed this? And would you share your technique with us?


I should add that I suffered for many years with what is labeled as "depression", "social anxiety" and probably "Avoidant Personality Disorder". I write these names down not because I accept them as real things, but so that others who have also been labeled with these false illnesses or conditions can have a point of reference about what I write, since mental health is such a minefield of mostly nonsense and fake diagnoses of invented conditions.

After spending time to find a solution, by myself for myself, I came to see that there are two states of being.
Reality, which is all we can sense with one of our fives senses and then thoughts, which is were everything is. Reality is what exists and it the only thing that exists and is true. Thoughts or the imagined world, does not exist, never will exist and is not true and never will be true, or real either.

I used to think I had mental illness, that I was somehow defective. But when I realized that mental illness does not exist like a biological illness does, and that no-one has ever found one shred of evidence of a biological cause for mental illness, I suddenly realized that all these so-called experts, the people in white coats with letters after their names and the grandiose claims and alleged knowledge that they had about the brain and mind, were only expressing opinions and not facts.
And so what I had been told about myself was not true. Ever.

I came to see that I had believed all these untrue things about myself, for many years, and so my thoughts is what kept me in a continuous and never ending state of suffering - I was a prisoner of my own created prison and I was also my own prison guard. The same goes for anyone else who suffers. This is why only we can end our own suffering and not anyone else, or any medicines, substances, therapy, etc.

And once I saw that I was not ill, that how I was, was how I was and nothing more. And that the way we have all been conditioned to be in life (what we must do, say, dress like, how we must behave, follows rules, the law, etc etc), is just an opinion too and not factual, or based on anything in reality. I realized too that choice is the most powerful thing we have and that we don't have to do what we have done before, just because that is what we have done, or follow what others tell us to, or "go along with the crowd". None of us are the same, but because we have been conditioned to seek and need acceptance, the vast majority of people in the world end up living similar lives and doing the same/similar thing, day in, day out, month in, month out, for years or their whole lives. We have infinite possibilities, but few people live that way.

After realizing that the so-called mental health professionals were bogus people. including the sham that is psychiatry and all the so-called medicines they willy-nilly hand out without knowing what they will do to each and every person they are prescribed to, I came to see that there was actually nothing wrong with me and what was causing my suffering was my belief that I had too live like I had been shown to live, including "getting along" with others, have friends, have relationships, be social, be agreeable, have some kind of work my entire life which involves engagement with others in some way, follows rules, follow the law, be acceptable, blah blah blah and more blah.
I came to see that none of these things were about anything that existed in reality and therefore, I did not have to comply or observe anything if I did not wish to or choose to.

One day in August 2015, I just realized that I was no longer suffering and instead, I was experiencing a new state of mind, of constant and uninterrupted peace and "bliss". This continued without change no matter what happened "out there", or what my circumstances were, which had not changed at all for years. I used to hate my life and now I loved it.

I also discovered the state of being in the present moment.

And then it all went wrong after something happened in my relationship with the woman I had been seeing. I don't know why that happened though. I have not been able to find my way back to my previous blissful state and end my current suffering.

The knowledge shared by the following people helped me and I would recommend them to anyone. There are videos on youtube for some of these.

Noah Elkrief
Alan Watts
Eckhart Tolle
Allen J Frances
Bruce Levine
Leo from actualized org
Paramahamsa Nithyananda
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#11

Postby Candid » Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:38 am

I'm sorry no one else has weighed in with a method of getting rid of these unpleasant feelings while remaining isolated and contemptuous. It's not clear to me whether you came here looking for help or to correct the people (like me) who believe relationship brings me more pleasure than pain.

I can only wish you peace and joy in your one-man life with no meaning.
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#12

Postby Desperate100 » Wed May 02, 2018 7:43 pm

Candid wrote:I'm sorry no one else has weighed in with a method of getting rid of these unpleasant feelings while remaining isolated and contemptuous. It's not clear to me whether you came here looking for help or to correct the people (like me) who believe relationship brings me more pleasure than pain.

I can only wish you peace and joy in your one-man life with no meaning.


As I have said before and have to say again, you have not read my posts as your above comments again exemplifies.
Since we only have what we write to go by, I suggest its quite important to read what someone writes, if you wish to engage with them, in a valid way, in text based forums.

Your opinion and framing of what you think my state of being is, as being "isolated and contemptuous" is a perception you have, principally perhaps from the conditioning that you have received from birth (like almost everyone in the world has received) and which includes the portrayal of being by oneself as "isolated", a word which has negative social connotations. Plus the perception of what you think I have written on here.
Just for the record, I don't hate people or dislike them. I just find them all too much for me. I don't need them very much either. They give me very little indeed when I have been with them.

The only reason I originally posted on here was to get a solution to how I used to feel. I think that should be quite obvious. I then chose to reply to your sweeping & untrue generalizations of all people, who you seem to think are all the same and need the same things in life and in the same ways, etc. Those generalizations are not true and they never have been true either. There are also incalculable nuances and subtleties and other things which you hastily bypass with your rash comments.

Finally, wishing someone peace with a sneer/criticism at the end just voids the wish and removes any sense that the wish was genuine.

There is massive variation in humans, as there is in the rest of nature. But we have all been conditioned, however, to believe that "people are all the same" and also "all people are social". These ideas/beliefs are exemplified in your posts and they are repeated over and over across the modern world, without any actual proof that these claims are true.
Neither is true of course and repeating these ideas over and over again does not make it true (or real) and won't ever make it so either, however much you try to connivence yourself and others of its truth.
I accept that for some people, they might prefer being in a relationship than not. But the idea that being in a relationship is the only way to function and thrive in life, is a falsehood, especially since a relationship cannot bring anyone what they ultimately want, which is true peace and happiness. And that is often what people get into a relationship for, sadly.

Too often people live their lives on auto-pilot, just doing what they see others do or what they have been taught/shown to do by others, or some mix of both. Few people live their own lives, intentionally. If not, then they are living someone else's life and also, while being unaware of the fact.
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed May 02, 2018 8:45 pm

Desperate100 wrote: Actually, nothing outside of our minds can bring or give us true happiness, including people.

The only reason I originally posted on here was to get a solution to how I used to feel. I think that should be quite obvious.


What is not obvious? You have posted the obvious solution...right?
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#14

Postby Desperate100 » Wed May 02, 2018 8:48 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Desperate100 wrote: Actually, nothing outside of our minds can bring or give us true happiness, including people.

The only reason I originally posted on here was to get a solution to how I used to feel. I think that should be quite obvious.


What is not obvious? You have posted the obvious solution...right?



I do not know what you mean.
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