Feeling horrible about myself in every way...

Postby ABVET » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:56 am

I'm a 30 year old female veterinarian and have been practicing for around 3 years. Recently I've been feeling worse and worse about myself in pretty much every way possible - looks, personality, intelligence, etc...

To start, I look pretty young for my age (people think I'm around 20), and I get a lot of comments from my clients saying how young I look or even that I "look too young to be a doctor". As soon as I get those types of comments, I instantly feel like I have to start "proving" myself and trying harder, which just ends up in me being awkward and making myself even less credible. My staff (technicians) also tend to bring up any mistakes I may make (I've caught them looking at my records and then telling me that I didn't write something that I said I did, like they're trying to find something I did wrong). I'm fairly socially awkward and so a lot of the things I say get made fun of or are taken the wrong way, which makes me MORE socially awkward :(

In addition to this, I'm becoming more self-conscious about my looks as I get older. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome - this makes me lose hair on my scalp, grow excessive hair on my face, and causes acne. I have to spend an exorbitant amount of time each day on facial hair removal. I also really can't do much with my hair because I have thinning spots around my hairline and on top of it I have a large forehead so I really don't ever wear my hair back. I just in general really am not happy with the way I look, and feel helpless to do anything about it. My partner and I have been together for over 3 years and I still don't believe her when she tells me I'm beautiful - I just don't see it. And I always feel insecure if she has friends who are girls because I just feel like one day she'll leave me for someone who is more attractive, especially if my hair continues to fall out.

Lastly, all throughout my life people have not really liked me. I've always had a hard time making friends because I'm fairly reserved and don't open up easily - it's just part of who I am - and people think I'm a snob because of this. So in addition to all my other issues, I have basically no friends (my partner and I have another couple we are friends with, but I have ZERO of my own friends). I would love to be able to get coffee or take a yoga class with a friend, but I have no one. I can't make friends at work because it's a very small company and I'm not really comfortable with being friends with my coworkers outside of work anyway. I feel pretty lonely because of this.

Pretty much the only thing about myself that I feel good about is my intelligence. I graduated veterinary school with almost a 4.0, and I know deep down that I'm a good doctor. But lately with people making fun of me, telling me I look too young, etc, it has really taken a hit on my ego because it's like the ONE thing I feel good about is being belittled. I want to practice self-love, but don't know how when I literally have nothing to feel good about...I used to think I was generally a happy person, but I definitely feel myself falling into depression at this point and don't know how to stop it.
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#1

Postby Jcloud » Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:16 am

Hugs! Tbh I think being told you look young is a huge compliment! I’m 37 and people always think I’m in my mid twenties. I’ll take it. Better than being told you look ten years older.

Self love is hard. I’m right there with you trying to figure things out. I have friends and a boyfriend, but I dunno, I feel like a burden to them and they aren’t therapists or have ever struggled like I have. That’s why I decided to join a forum and meet others who are on the same journey. I’ll feel less alone.

You should feel proud about being a vet. Vet school is hard to get into, at least here in America it is, and so to go and be one, that’s amazing. I wanted to be a vet since I was a child, but I’m not the greatest at math and science, haha. And I’m ok with that. I tried. Took some classes to prepare only for me to be like, “nope!”
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#2

Postby holaitsbecs » Mon Apr 23, 2018 3:23 pm

I feel ya!

I’m only 21 but honestly most of the time I barely pass for a 16 year old, it’s awful! As for your hair, embrace it! A larger forehead is nothing to worry about, I have one and actually my partner says it makes me more attractive haha!

Just embrace yourself. If you weren’t intelligent enough you wouldn’t be where you are.

YOU ARE PERFECT! X
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:26 am

Sounds like you've got a couple of wheels off the tracks and you just need to get yourself realigned through clarification of purpose and a new game plan.

First lets examine what appears to be goal oriented achievements. You have studied and obtained your license so you work as a veterinarian. Is this your place of practice or are you in with a group and all of you are equal partners? I ask because you need to define what it is you manage in life. In this just a place you show up to work or are you responsible for maintaining the entire complex, paying rent, and making sure everyone gets paid? I imagine you carry allot of responsibility. But your professional goals have been achieved at this stage and you are moving forward. That's good.

In terms of relationships with people, you currently have a partner you've been with for three years. That's a pretty stable duration if the two of you are happy together. So your ability to facilitate a bond for emotional expression is in place. With those two areas sitting as your foundation, it sounds like you just have allot of maintenance in areas that are beginning to take their toll on your self image.

First, have you been to a doctor and examined all of your options with your hair and acne? Have you examined your diet in relationship to that? You sound like a person who knows how to focus, so you need to go back to formula on what you've been doing to address these matters and reexamine new methods for dealing with these afflictions. You need to find a new way to trust the process, which you currently don't feel is working for you. It sounds too labor intensive which creates a weight on your self-confidence. Do what you do best. Research, study, and gather outside opinions. Take charge of this and develop a new method for addressing these issues. This is an obtainable goal.

In terms of opinions from your partner or peers? Well, let me clue you in on a big secret in life - You ONLY control yourself. If you actually believe your partner has no better commitment to you than just your looks, then maybe you're the one that needs to make that break. Age and beauty are subjective at best and transient in scope. Nothing lasts. When I got married 25 years ago I had enough hair to compete with Barry Gibb. Today not nearly as much. So what did I do? I adapt! I evolve. I move on. My hair brush never carried me to any relevant goals in my life. Don't let it become an obstacle to your happiness.

In terms of friend volume, you are a committed career professional. That means you have a discipline that demands allot of your time. It's time that you enjoy because you're living the dream of what you wanted to do. Somehow I don't think missing out on debates over Donald Trump, global warming, gun control, and nuclear disarmament have stripped you of your happiness. Trust me. It's ugly out there. You're not missing a thing.

Besides, the time you're not working are probably best spent with your partner, which is why she IS your partner, yes? Hopefully you're not just sharing space and doing time. So make that time quality. And since when are her friends not also people you can connect to? Do you need a visitor's pass to meet them? Okay so she has more free time than you so she gathers some new faces. Okay. That's not a deficit on your part. It's a plus. Her friends can be your friends.

My wife and I have raised kids and now take care of one grandson. I have three dear friends that I'm lucky if I see five times a year because I'm so busy. Sometimes not even that much. But this is the life I have chosen and I enjoy it. Sometimes we have to prioritize what counts most in our life. Trying to reach for everything can make you suffer in all areas of your life. Better to be really good in the places you want to be than lesser so by carrying too many. Quit counting name badges like your partner owns them and enjoy the company you desire to keep.

And lastly on your youth appearance... Enjoy it while it lasts, because it won't. I had EXACTLY the same problem you had. I'm 53 now and cured of my perceived issue. I wish I had it back now. And you looking young is not whats holding you back. It's you're lack of confidence. You need to emote from that center that says you know what you're doing and state it as such. Now the flip side to that is to be very aware that you are doing it right. If you are then quit looking at reactions or hair splitting over comments. That's your insecurity talking. Embrace who you are and love your life. Sounds like you have a very good one!

BTW we have a Collie/Corgi mix that is thirteen and a Yorkie that is two. The Yorkie has moved from the foot of the bed up to the pillow next to me now. She use to be uptight, but according to my wife I have ruined her. She now sleeps on her back with her paws up in the air and SNORES like she's been sucking helium. It's quite the sight to behold. All my best.
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#4

Postby Mindset4Success » Fri May 18, 2018 6:46 am

Thank you so much for sharing and being so vulnerable.

You are being way too critical on yourself. You need to step back and just breathe.

Anytime you are feeling this anxious take three deep breaths to the diaphragm and release.

It sounds like you are placing a lot of expectations on yourself, trying to prove to others that you are good enough, but because you don't fully believe this about yourself your environment reinforces the negative fear back to you.

And your fear is if you aren't this "ideal" person you will be judged, critic, or left.

We need to get out of our head of who we think we need to be, and start living by your own expectations.

Below is a link to my free guidebook "setting your own expectations", this will help you to gain better clarity about yourself, and start the process for self-healing.

https://mailchi.mp/fe92a75fb5b9/setting-your-own-expectations
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