Why do men change after marriage?

Postby Puffinsox » Wed Feb 28, 2018 2:46 am

My younger brother (I’m 36, he’s 30) married almost four years ago. I was never fond of the person he married (I have a difficult time using the word woman, as to me, that word has a mature connotation, which she certainly isn’t) and as the years have passed I’ve grown to dislike her more and more, thereby growing to dislike my own brother as well. She’s shown her true colors to me (she’s a severely spoiled only child who thinks she’s a princess, but is the furthest thing from it-AND comes from a cukoo crazy family to boot-I’m talking, her mother was GRINDING with a random man on the dance floor at my brother’s wedding. Need I said more?) on numerous occasions, which has made me truly despise her; the problem lies with my brother. When once he would have completely stood up for me or defended my honor-well now, not so much. For whatever reason he’s so far up her proverbial donkey, it’s as if he never had a man card to begin with. We’ve never understood what he saw in her, and always believed he settled because he didn’t think he could do any better.

I recently attended their baby shower (procreation took place-that poor child) and the princess attempted to insult me TWICE in front of her guests (but just ended up looking like an donkey) which for her is nothing surprising.

I can’t even be excited about this whole baby thing because I despise her so. My brother has become her whipping boy, has essentially lost his whole personality, and is just there to cater to her every whim. (She’s not even attractive-in the least. I could almost forgive him if she were even remotely good looking and worth the trouble...)

So my question is this-why do men change so much when they get married? I’ve been married almost 5 years and nothing has changed about my personality. In fact, if it’s possible, I’m even more “me” than I was before I met my husband.

What gives?
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#1

Postby Imely » Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:39 am

Only men know the answer for why do they change after marriage. 
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Feb 28, 2018 3:42 am

Puffinsox wrote:So my question is this-why do men change so much when they get married? I’ve been married almost 5 years and nothing has changed about my personality. In fact, if it’s possible, I’m even more “me” than I was before I met my husband.

What gives?


Primarily what gives is very common. It is a version of attribution bias, where a person views their own behavior using a much different set of criteria than the behaviors of others. Your behavior is awesome, while the behavior of everyone else is flawed in comparison.

There has been plenty of research on this. One of my favorite experiments is where people were asked what the chances were of various people going to heaven, e.g. Hitler, Mother Teresa, a brother, stranger, homeless person, etc. Hilarious, overwhelmingly people see their own virtuous behavior as higher than every other person, including Mother Teresa We tend to naturally see ourselves in a much more favorable light than we really are.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attribution_bias

Generally speaking it isn’t so ridiculously out of line to cause a real issue. It is a mild bias. But, sometimes the bias is severe as people view the behaviors of others in a very negative way, failing to recognize it is the stick in their own eye that is making things blurry. Once again, very normal and not easy to detect or acknowledge.

And disliking a person more and more is another cognitive bias called the mere exposure effect. Princess can’t control your bias, so no matter what she does it will never meet your standards.

Anyway...what gives is that the relationship between your brother and this woman are most likely objectively very normal. Like most marriages, there is ups and downs, and there is a certain relatively stable dynamic overall. Normal.

And it is normal that you are biased in any number of ways which doesn’t allow you to view their relationship or your own relationship objectively, but you think you can. This leads you to see yourself as unchanging or even a better version of yourself while seeing the behaviors of others in not such a positive light.
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#3

Postby quietvoice » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:12 am

Puffinsox wrote:I’ve been married almost 5 years and nothing has changed about my personality.

That's pretty sad. We are learning and evolving creatures, and nothing about you has changed in the five years of marriage, or since before being married?

Puffinsox wrote:In fact, if it’s possible, I’m even more “me” than I was before I met my husband.

Oops, I guess you did change, at least enough for you to notice that more of something inside of you was making itself known to the world around you, the same world that is probably saying, "Puffinsox has changed since meeting Mr. Puffinsox."

Puffinsox wrote:So my question is this-why do men change so much when they get married?

Perhaps, because they have committed to taking on the appropriate responsibilities for which they have signed on.

Puffinsox wrote: the problem lies with my brother. When once he would have completely stood up for me or defended my honor-well now, not so much.

Now I see it . . . he gave you up for another woman. No wonder you don't like her.
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#4

Postby Puffinsox » Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:27 am

Perhaps I misspoke. What makes me me has not changed. Oftentimes people greatly alter their personalities to appease their partner-that never happened with me. Yes, I’ve grown and matured and learned many things, but the spark that makes me who I am and what attracted my husband to me in the first place is still there, more resilient than ever.





quietvoice wrote:
Puffinsox wrote:I’ve been married almost 5 years and nothing has changed about my personality.

That's pretty sad. We are learning and evolving creatures, and nothing about you has changed in the five years of marriage, or since before being married?

Puffinsox wrote:In fact, if it’s possible, I’m even more “me” than I was before I met my husband.

Oops, I guess you did change, at least enough for you to notice that more of something inside of you was making itself known to the world around you, the same world that is probably saying, "Puffinsox has changed since meeting Mr. Puffinsox."

Puffinsox wrote:So my question is this-why do men change so much when they get married?

Perhaps, because they have committed to taking on the appropriate responsibilities for which they have signed on.

Puffinsox wrote: the problem lies with my brother. When once he would have completely stood up for me or defended my honor-well now, not so much.

Now I see it . . . he gave you up for another woman. No wonder you don't like her.
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:01 pm

Puffinsox wrote:Oftentimes people greatly alter their personalities to appease their partner-that never happened with me.

Personalities are subject to change; they are not set in stone. People are always going after (wanting) something, and will change their thoughts and behaviors to fit the situation as warranted in order to get what they want.

Simple enough, I think.
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#6

Postby quietvoice » Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:16 pm

quietvoice wrote:. . . in order to get what they want.

Or, to avoid getting what they don't want !!
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:50 pm

Puffinsox wrote: Perhaps I misspoke...but the spark that makes me who I am and what attracted my husband to me in the first place is still there, more resilient than ever.


What attracted your husband to you, rather than what attracted you to your husband. You can’t know if that changed, only your husband knows. And based on the premise that men change after marriage...well that suggests that while you subjectively see your own spark as more resilient, your husband might not see it the same way.

Your “spark” that attracts others to you is “more resilient than ever.” But your brother didn’t defend you like old times, so what is wrong with him. Does he not see your resilient attractive spark anymore? Maybe in his mind princess has a more attractive spark.

Again, cognitive bias is normal. It helps to sometimes take a step back and apply the same critical standard to ourselves that we use to evaluate others. Your husband may not evaluate your spark the same way he did when you two were first married. You subjectively seeing your own spark as wonderful, doesn’t mean others view it the same way.
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#8

Postby Livetowin » Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:49 am

No two marriages are the same no matter how we choose to perceive them on the surface. What you have are two people coming together hopefully because they want to be themselves in a union with the other. Unfortunately some people look to marriage as a tool to try and fix both their deficits and the perceived deficits in the other. Bad idea.

If you don't already have a firm grasp on the person you are, then you've just signed away any chance to find that by entering into a union that immediately makes demands on yourself which begs for that individuality. The end result for those who go in undefined is they sink their identity (and will) into the stronger personality only to wake up years later disillusioned about the entire union because they were in denial about their own deficits. Hiding behind another person is a guarantee recipe for loneliness and misery.

There's absolutely no truth to the notion that only men are impacted by this. If that's a pattern you frequently find in your circles, then you might want to step back and ask yourself why you seek the company of individuals less defined than how you see yourself. That's typically a red flag when you prop yourself up by surrounding yourself with what you define as underachievers in life. I would step back and examine that a bit closer. Usually when you have to diminish someone else in order to distinguish your own sense of merit, that means you're not being honest with yourself.

A sense of accomplishment is not achieved by looking around and putting down others. If anything, it should be the opposite. If you carry a sense of fulfillment and have confidence in your own identity, then it should be VERY evident that others struggling is not something to be marginalized and looked upon as a weakness since you would have stood in their shoes at some point in your life. Understanding yourself means you understand the frailties in others and respect that space. People learn and evolve through experience. What might seem obvious to some might require a longer sustained butt kicking by others. That's life. Ultimately people who realize they need to change their life, will find the fortitude. Those who find comfort in their circumstance, regardless of what is voiced, will stay as they are, because that is how they define themselves. And that's an equal opportunity scenario for both genders.
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#9

Postby Puffinsox » Sun Mar 04, 2018 2:01 pm

[quote="Livetowin"]No two marriages are the same no matter how we choose to perceive them on the surface. What you have are two people coming together hopefully because they want to be themselves in a union with the other. Unfortunately some people look to marriage as a tool to try and fix both their deficits and the perceived deficits in the other. Bad idea.

If you don't already have a firm grasp on the person you are, then you've just signed away any chance to find that by entering into a union that immediately makes demands on yourself which begs for that individuality. The end result for those who go in undefined is they sink their identity (and will) into the stronger personality only to wake up years later disillusioned about the entire union because they were in denial about their own deficits. Hiding behind another person is a guarantee recipe for loneliness and misery.

There's absolutely no truth to the notion that only men are impacted by this. If that's a pattern you frequently find in your circles, then you might want to step back and ask yourself why you seek the company of individuals less defined than how you see yourself. That's typically a red flag when you prop yourself up by surrounding yourself with what you define as underachievers in life. I would step back and examine that a bit closer. Usually when you have to diminish someone else in order to distinguish your own sense of merit, that means you're not being honest with yourself.

A sense of accomplishment is not achieved by looking around and putting down others. If anything, it should be the opposite. If you carry a sense of fulfillment and have confidence in your own identity, then it should be VERY evident that others struggling is not something to be marginalized and looked upon as a weakness since you would have stood in their shoes at some point in your life. Understanding yourself means you understand the frailties in others and respect that space. People learn and evolve through experience. What might seem obvious to some might require a longer sustained butt kicking by others. That's life. Ultimately people who realize they need to change their life, will find the fortitude. Those who find comfort in their circumstance, regardless of what is voiced, will stay as they are, because that is how they define themselves. And that's an equal opportunity scenario for both genders.

I don’t recall making the claim that this situation does not apply to both genders; I’m merely commenting on my own situation. I can be fairly certain that many women do the same.
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#10

Postby Livetowin » Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:19 pm

Puffinsox wrote:I don’t recall making the claim that this situation does not apply to both genders; I’m merely commenting on my own situation. I can be fairly certain that many women do the same.


What do you have to recall? It's on the written page. The title of your thread is " Why do MEN change after marriage" followed by your closing statement that reiterates the same. It doesn't say "Why did my brother change". You're brother was used as the example with you offering yourself as the contrast. You only control yourself. So determine how you want to function in his world because those are his choices and only he has to live with the results. If you were put in a room with a rabbit you might sleep sounder than you would with a tiger. Unless you fully understand the dynamic and participate in the marriage, you can not accurately speak to the motivations of either party.

You're using generalities and stereotyping him with the "man card" because you disagree with what you think are his reasons for being there and how he should operate, even though you are not him and that is not your marriage. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you can understand his marriage anymore than you could seeing two strangers holding hands in a restaurant. If that makes you miserable you have two choices - Stay in his world and hope for the best or get out and move on with your own choices. Judging him will not benefit him if you believe he needs help and will not improve what you think are issues in his marriage. Support him as your brother so he can have confidence in himself. If there actually is a confidence issue in the marriage that might help him.
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