Being alone

Postby No0ne » Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:56 pm

Hello everyone. I just wanted to share my thoughts and maybe get some help.. Just Im not sure what is a problem. Dont even know where to start..

Im 16. I dont live with my parents like from time i turned 13 or something like that. I do talk to them and spend some time (Living with my grandma, but we dont really talk much or do something together).


But I dont have any confidence, I feel unloved. I was bullied when I was about 14 (still get bullied sometimes) , that really affected me too.I was bullied because of my look, I still remember all words which people said to me, and sometimes they still do. And yeah, I do believe them sometimes, just sometimes I get lost in all mess, and I think that Im horrible.

Another problem is that I most of my time I spend at home, alone in my room. And I really get sad, I do cry often. Im trying to get myself busy, but I cant be busy all the time, and I just get lost in my thoughts, bad thoughts. I dont know how to get rid of that feeling when u feel lonely af. and unloved. And just horrible.


So I just kinda lost all my confidence. So I get offended fast so every bad words affect me really. I know that I should go somewhere, do something and everything. But I became very shy and introvert.

So Im trying to find way to get back my confidence. And how not to feel lonely when u are alone.


I do write diary, meet my friends, workout. Because thats main things people suggest.

Thanks for reading..
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:03 pm

No0ne wrote: Im trying to get myself busy, but I cant be busy all the time, and I just get lost in my thoughts, bad thoughts.


You can’t be busy all the time? Hogwash. That is an excuse. You think Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, or even me or any other active person in society has time to get lost and think bad thoughts? Hell no. There isn’t enough time.

I have been effectively traveling alone around the world for 6 years now. I could choose to be alone in my thoughts. I could choose to get lost, because I work independently on my own terms. But, I don’t have time for that! Why? Because I have goals to achieve, friends and colleagues to talk with, articles to write, people to help. When I’m actually alone, I’m not thinking about woe is me. That is just a waste.

I do write diary, meet my friends, workout. Because thats main things people suggest.


Don’t waste your time doing something just because it is suggested. Do something because you enjoy it. And no, sitting in your bedroom crying or avoiding relationships because it is temporarily comfortable doesn’t apply. Find an activity or two or three that you can really engage and enjoy for the sake of enjoyment. Focus on the activity, not your self conscious performance in comparison to others. Focus on achieving small goals, just for the sake of having fun achieving a small goal. Play for the sake of play.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9832
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 988

#2

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 02, 2018 11:10 am

Did you choose not to live with your parents? What happened?
User avatar
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 7743
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Location: Reading, England
Likes Received: 292

#3

Postby letitsinkin » Fri Mar 02, 2018 3:19 pm

You're never too much and you're always enough. Just staying busy, as you found out, isn't the complete answer. Its I'm important to know and understand why bullies say what they say and not what they say. They are in for a tough road ahead when bullying no longer works to cover their own insecurities. You can actually begin to have compassion for them when you understand the behavior. If your differences with your parents are reconcilable I would work on that. Grandparents can be a good source of wise advice. They usually are eager to share wisdom. Try to initiate more talk with grandma. She will understand more than you think.
letitsinkin
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2018 1:43 am
Likes Received: 2

#4

Postby No0ne » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:14 pm

Candid wrote:Did you choose not to live with your parents? What happened?


My parents has been divorced for a long time. So they both have another wife/husband. I lived with my mum for some time, but living with her new husband and his kid, which kinda hated me, wasnt better. So I chose to stay at home where I lived almost all my live.(where me,my mom, and my grandma lived untill everything)

I mean living with a person who hates u is not a good thing. And my dad lives in another city. So I see my parents few times in a month.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#5

Postby No0ne » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:22 pm

letitsinkin wrote:You're never too much and you're always enough. Just staying busy, as you found out, isn't the complete answer. Its I'm important to know and understand why bullies say what they say and not what they say. They are in for a tough road ahead when bullying no longer works to cover their own insecurities. You can actually begin to have compassion for them when you understand the behavior. If your differences with your parents are reconcilable I would work on that. Grandparents can be a good source of wise advice. They usually are eager to share wisdom. Try to initiate more talk with grandma. She will understand more than you think.


I dont get bullied that much now. But what happened before, just left me who I am now. Without confidence. I know that bullying is not about that person who is bullied. That bullies have problems, and that I should not care what they said or say, but sometimes I just cant

I do talk to my grandma, but we are not that much close.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby letitsinkin » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:28 pm

I don't mean small talk. I mean do you ask advice for these challenges you have in front of you? Then listen to understand.
letitsinkin
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2018 1:43 am
Likes Received: 2

#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Mar 03, 2018 4:13 pm

No0ne wrote: I dont get bullied that much now.


Because you isolate yourself. That is not a solution.

But what happened before, just left me who I am now. Without confidence.


Yes...you consented to believing that the opinions of other people mattered. Your beliefs about the power others have over you has left you without confidence. It makes it very difficult to not be alone, given that you can't control what others will say.

I know that bullying is not about that person who is bullied.


Not true. Not true at all. It is very much about the person who is bullied. A "bully" is an equal opportunity employer. A "bully" will insult and make disparaging comments to persons A, B, and C. The bully isn't the difference. It isn't about the bully. It is about how persons A, B, and C respond differently. While persons A and B laugh it off, person C takes it to heart. Hence, it is more about the person who is bullied than the bully.

That bullies have problems, and that I should not care what they said or say, but sometimes I just cant


You just can't. Which goes to the actual problem. There is no such thing as a world without "bullies". From minor to major, from people that just make comments to people that will literally not hesitate to end your life, there is a huge range of "bullies" in life. What are you going to do about it? Live a life alone, because "you just can't"? You can try that path, but it most likely won't work out very well.

Just my opinion, but from a young age I think you have been taught you have no control. And if you have no control, then you have no responsibility for your own feelings. That can be a very difficult belief to overcome. It takes time, it takes small steps where you set small goals that demonstrate that you do have control, that helps build confidence.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9832
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 988

#8

Postby Candid » Sun Mar 04, 2018 8:54 am

No0ne wrote: I see my parents few times in a month.


Can you talk to your mom about how you're feeling?
User avatar
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 7743
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Location: Reading, England
Likes Received: 292

#9

Postby No0ne » Sun Mar 04, 2018 10:00 pm

You just can't. Which goes to the actual problem. There is no such thing as a world without "bullies". From minor to major, from people that just make comments to people that will literally not hesitate to end your life, there is a huge range of "bullies" in life. What are you going to do about it? Live a life alone, because "you just can't"? You can try that path, but it most likely won't work out very well.


I know this is a problem. I knew that long time ago. And Im looking for a way to defeat it. But every time, when everything looks better, it goes wrong again, and worse. So everything I did before to increase my confidence, to not give sh*t about bullies and everything, was just temporary. Because everytime it comes back, all thoughts, everything. And I just cant get it over it
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#10

Postby No0ne » Sun Mar 04, 2018 10:03 pm

Candid wrote:
No0ne wrote: I see my parents few times in a month.


Can you talk to your mom about how you're feeling?



My mom would not understand, I tried to mention some things, but she just doesnt really pay attention to that. She thinks everything is okay, because I look okay.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#11

Postby Livetowin » Mon Mar 05, 2018 5:34 pm

Spending time with yourself is not necessarily a bad thing at your age. No, I wouldn't suggest a hermit style existence. But having that private time for self reflection can become an incredibly valuable tool in your life.

When I was your age, my parents were not divorced, but my father was verbally hard on me. It was difficult for me to find myself because I had the echos of my father's words beating me up because as a child you tend to take the negative statements as the gospel. Harsh words truly resonate when you're young, undefined, and trying to find some semblance of your stake in life. It also hurts because your emotions have center stage with your reasoning and you haven't reached that moment where you can separate what is reasonable versus what is irrational. And while so much of that is self induced, it's a journey every person must make in life to get to the other side that sees life from a more practical application.

I'm 53 now. So I'm down the road, around the corner and up the hill (or maybe even over the hill) from where you stand. Let me tell you a few things I hope you will take away from this and really think about.

Writing down how you feel and what is happening at this stage of your life is a GREAT idea. I did that too at your age and what it does (long term) is help establish your reasoning beyond just how you feel. When you write down what has happened, it permits you to not only feel it but now you can READ what you felt and your brain will begin to examine and decipher what is logical versus what is pure emotion without reason. It allows you to step outside your circumstances and go back in and read what you just expressed on paper as an outsider. That trains you to have better objectivity. When you write it down, then you can examine what you said. Then you can start asking the questions that matter - "Was I being too sensitive? Was he being too harsh? Did I misrepresent myself in this conversation? Did they overstep their boundaries and get in my space? "

What that objectivity does for you is allow you to see YOURSELF on the playing board with everyone else. It's like a game of chess. You are one piece and the people around you are the other pieces in your life. It teaches you to get your feelings out of the picture and rationalize not only what others are doing, but more importantly what YOU are doing. It also teaches you to be honest with yourself.

Do you know who your worst enemy is right now? Your feelings. There is nothing that does more to sabotage and deflate your sense of self quicker, because your emotions want to be catered to instead of reason any given situation. But when you start to learn how to see yourself in any given situation, then you begin to reason rather than just feel the events in your life. Here's an example:

Lets say you live in an convent. One day you get up and decide clothes are over rated. You're going to walk around naked. Better yet, it's Easter so you're going to wear bunny ears to spice up the look. As you go outside you begin to notice some people looking at you confused or whispering to one another. Some might offer very angry looks while others act repulsed. Some might laugh at you and run off giggling with their friends.

Now lets take that same situation but lets change the setting. You're now in a nudist camp and it's Easter. You walk outside and nothing out of the ordinary happens. People walk by and say ," Good morning! Nice ears!" But otherwise there is nothing going on that suggests there is a problem. So here's the question: Given both examples, are you wrong for what you did to garner those reactions in either setting? Now the average person would say you went overboard in the first example. Who is going to walk naked through a convent with bunny ears on and not understand the reaction they get? Ah! And there is the one billion dollar answer to most of life's problem's - Most people do not reason their own life that way.

We unfortunately live in a society today where people either ask others around them to own how they feel about themselves or they reside on the opposite end of the spectrum where they simply endorse what others say about them as the truth. Both are a mistake. If you wanted to live as described in either of those two descriptions I offered, you are NOT wrong to do that if that is something you want to do and you've thought it through. But it's also YOUR responsibility to know the company you keep versus who you are.

So it's very important that you start having an honest conversation with yourself about who you are. That is where your happiness is found. It's what makes YOU happy, not other people. If you find people rejecting a quality you like about yourself, then the problem is not you, it's those people. You need to quit being reactionary and start being more reflective about what you're doing. You need to consider if its something you actually want to do and if you're in the company that best supports the person you want to be and what you like to do.

There will always be a critic for any person you chose to be in life. This is not a perfect race and those on the outside do not know better than you about what makes you happy. Now you're not born knowing everything you want to do in life. But you can't be afraid to explore that option either. So examine who it is you are right now and embrace the choices that make you feel really good AND come to you natural. Remember you are not performing for others. Life is what YOU make for YOU.

I have two rules in my life - I only control myself and I never let other define who I am. When you get that down pat, life becomes allot clearer. Understanding yourself means you understand your surroundings. Quit worrying about what other people are thinking and start looking at what they're doing. Life becomes very sharp when you're not concerned with pleasing other people, but instead turn the tables and ask yourself what are they're doing for you. And it's not about being selfish in an effort to be mean, it's about being real with yourself. Keep the people who are supportive and reliable. Anyone else should be at arms length or out of the picture entirely. Take control of your life and the answers to life's bigger questions will become self-evident when you filter your choices through an honest lens that considers you first.
Livetowin
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 977
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm
Likes Received: 82

#12

Postby No0ne » Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:16 pm

Livetowin wrote:
I have two rules in my life - I only control myself and I never let other define who I am. When you get that down pat, life becomes allot clearer. Understanding yourself means you understand your surroundings. Quit worrying about what other people are thinking and start looking at what they're doing. Life becomes very sharp when you're not concerned with pleasing other people, but instead turn the tables and ask yourself what are they're doing for you. And it's not about being selfish in an effort to be mean, it's about being real with yourself. Keep the people who are supportive and reliable. Anyone else should be at arms length or out of the picture entirely. Take control of your life and the answers to life's bigger questions will become self-evident when you filter your choices through an honest lens that considers you first.



I am really thankful for your reply, because It is really helping, to know, that I am not only who was struggling with similar problems. And I read your reply few times, just to remind myself, what I need to understand. But I just wanted to say thank you, to having time for me.
No0ne
Junior Member
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#13

Postby Livetowin » Mon Mar 19, 2018 1:57 pm

No0ne wrote:
Livetowin wrote:
I have two rules in my life - I only control myself and I never let other define who I am. When you get that down pat, life becomes allot clearer. Understanding yourself means you understand your surroundings. Quit worrying about what other people are thinking and start looking at what they're doing. Life becomes very sharp when you're not concerned with pleasing other people, but instead turn the tables and ask yourself what are they're doing for you. And it's not about being selfish in an effort to be mean, it's about being real with yourself. Keep the people who are supportive and reliable. Anyone else should be at arms length or out of the picture entirely. Take control of your life and the answers to life's bigger questions will become self-evident when you filter your choices through an honest lens that considers you first.



I am really thankful for your reply, because It is really helping, to know, that I am not only who was struggling with similar problems. And I read your reply few times, just to remind myself, what I need to understand. But I just wanted to say thank you, to having time for me.


You are very welcome. I wish you the very best in your life.
Livetowin
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 977
Joined: Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:18 pm
Likes Received: 82

#14

Postby laureat » Mon Mar 19, 2018 2:20 pm

do not fear to be alone

in life ppl come and go and there can be moments you may end up alone ; but there is nothing to fear from your own self

however, human nature is social oriented we are no cats and its something you should invest time on it
laureat
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1442
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:45 pm
Location: Kosovo
Likes Received: 110


Next

Return to Self Esteem & Confidence