The first step

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:35 pm

When I have cannabis, I smoke it compulsively. Alone, in my car, in the rain, in the freezing cold, with borrowed money, prioritised above needing money for food, fuel, whatever. I am a cannabis addict.

Today I smoked the last of my stash. Deleted my numbers. This is not my first attempt and up till now I have been gradually working at this. One step forward two steps back. But I have been learning and I'm ready to cut the cannabis out now.

I will be recording my journey on here.
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#1

Postby JoeBloggs » Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:07 am

Sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to quit for good.
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#2

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Mar 11, 2018 5:21 pm

Thank you Joe Bloggs for your encouragement.

I have had a busy day, awoke much earlier than usual, got lots done, got back in contact with friends/family that I've been neglecting. Found half a smoked spliff in my car. Couldn't resist smoking it. And now, my guy has called me telling me he's put one aside for me... I told him I'm coming over... I can't lie, I'm struggling to stay resolute...
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#3

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Jul 07, 2018 11:51 pm

Having had another 3 month or so stint of smoking heavily, I have now not smoked any pot for over a week.

I've spent a long time reading through someone else's story on here, which has really inspired me to write more on here. To connect and share. Thank you Reckoning and everyone else who shares. I've read a lot on here, it is a place where I feel I belong and where people understand.

I read this quote and it gives power to my dawning realisation that my sensitivity, my emotional nature, is not something to be hidden and ashamed of.

There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.
- Washington Irving

I've been crying a great deal lately, and that's OK. I cried in the middle of a yoga class the other day. I cry along with music quite often. I cried watching James cordon car share with Paul Mc Cartney while he was telling him about how he wrote 'Let it be' after his mum visited him in his dream.

All the beauty and all the pain, it all brings me to tears, and that's OK. I want to share the beauty and the pain and sometimes tears are the only way to express it.

Love to all
X
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#4

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:16 pm

Hi RealEyesEm, keep going with your quit and keep posting. Single most important thing that has made a difference for me on this quit is posting here and supporting others. And of course really learning how to tolerate pain rather than escaping it.

It is tough, but the benefits do reveal themselves. I've learnt so much on this quit. This forum and the people here help me stay committed.

Its real hard when you have a partner/girlfriend/boyfriend who smokes and has one ready for you. That was my situation. This time around it became a choice between keeping a relationship or being able to live my life in line with the values I hold. I really value staying emotionally connected and whole, and dealing with my emotions. Even when smoking I used to yearn all the time to stop the emotional dodging that smoking enabled me to do.

I dreamt last night that I had a smoke and I was so pleased when I woke up and realised it was just a dream.

I always found, over the years of smoking, that after a big stint of smoking I always cried a lot. It really messed with my emotional regulation.

I am so happy to be such a long way down the track and can only encourage you to keep going. I'll be interested in following your progress.
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#5

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:15 pm

I'm on my way home from my grandparents Diamond wedding anniversary lunch. It was a really special day. I've been driving for about an hour towards my house. The cravings have struck.

'I owe my dealer money anyway. I might as well see him and just get a tens. That's nothing anyway, just a tiny bit. Won't make any difference. I've got to see him anyway at some point so it's better if I just see him now rather than later, etc. '

I think it's because I was feeling quite elated. And then going home to my flat by myself. I'm not going to crack though. Your message really helped me, Reckoning. Thank you so very much for taking the time and care.
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#6

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:44 pm

Hey Em, oh yes , it's part of the territory many of us have come to know, this thinking that weed is a good friend, someone you want and need to take home, to share your emotions with, or to sooth you or to help you manage your intense emotions. Oh yeah I used to think she will take my loneliness away. And you know what she never did. Over time she just wanted me to herself and she never ever supported my efforts to stay with my emotions. Mary Jane made things worse .

In the beginning it is very tough and you are doing well making your thinking transparent to yourself. It seems as if it won't be harmful just a little bit, and so...... the addictive impulses actually control you. And this so called friend, weed , will always up the anti , the control it wants , when you start to put your own boundaries in place.

I found in the beginning that when I felt like that I would get on line and read about how people pushed through these early hard days . In the beginning it was all about managing the physicality of the withdrawal before I could start to get to all the reasons why I smoked.

Keep going, it's worth it. cheers Liz
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#7

Postby RealEyesEm » Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:10 am

Sometimes I feel like my moods are in sync with the weather. The rain and my tears fall down together. The trees and I are buffeted by the winds.

I don't know if it's Paws or not. All I know is that since I moved away to live back at my parents house, to get away from my past chapter where I was not coping, I haven't smoked cannabis. And now, 6 months down the line, I feel particularly shitty. It might be PAWS. It might be circumstance. It might be depression. It might be changing weather.

It's been said that writing has helped others. I haven't been on here for a long time and it's helped a bit to look back here. To see some progress. To remind myself that I may still be recovering.
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#8

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Apr 28, 2019 10:47 pm

Things have been going OK. I haven't smoked weed for about 9 months. My mood shifts don't feel as extreme as they did but I do feel a low level anxious and down feeling quite often.

I think that doing more exercise and meditation will help so that is what I'm going to try. I'm going to stop smoking cigarettes too. I will post here as an outlet and a reminder to myself to help me embed these new habit changes.
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#9

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun May 05, 2019 5:54 pm

I've been feeling low in mood. Creeping spiralling thoughts that I'm trying not to latch onto. I am yet to get exercise into my routine. I'm holding off on stopping smoking. I plan to see an NHS advisor because it will help with my quit attempt I am sure and prevent me from full relapse if I slip up because I will be checking in with someone. So my next step is to call the gp and get an appointment.

This weekend I have struggled to get moving, feeling somewhat isolated and like I have no plans, so why bother getting dressed, etc.

There are things that I like doing though, even alone, and I think if I make a routine and a plan in advance it will help me to keep moving and feeling positive. I slip too easily into staring at a TV, scrolling through my phone, lying in my bed and eating junk food.

If I can make even a loose routine, eg. Wake at a certain time, meditate, exercise, eat, etc, that I can stick to regularly, then i think it could help.

It is sticking to it that I'm finding difficult though. When I have negative thoughts, I slip back. I will try factoring in something that I enjoy each day too, eg. Drumming, swimming, art, it might help me to stick to a routine if it doesn't all feel like a chore. Not that eating and meditation feel like a chore when I'm in a positive mindset. I think it's just pushing through and making it non negotiable cos these things do lift my mood once I get started.
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#10

Postby AnnaK » Wed May 08, 2019 12:29 am

Don't smoke its poison..break up with Mary Jane she is Satanic unlike the blessed virgin. Weed will ruin your brain. I hate it and wish I never ever tried it. It tricks you into one last toke and just a little won't hurt and it's just weed...and everyone does it. I wish someone would have told me the truth and not that cannabis has no withdrawal. That is the stupid lie everyone is spreading. It's not a natural and harmless herb...
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#11

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Aug 03, 2019 11:25 pm

I went to a little music festival recently. It was with a bunch of people who I drum with. We were drinking a bit, not loads, mostly going to workshops and watching performances.

I hadn't smelt any weed around until the last night, and I got cravings to the point of distraction. I'd been having a good time but now I just couldn't enjoy myself or be in the moment. I really felt like I had to have a smoke.

I followed my nose and scrounged a joint. I didn't mention it to my friends or offer it around. I quickly rolled it all up and smoked it all down. After that, I felt good. I danced so freely and I felt at ease.

It was one joint but since then, it's all fresh in my mind. I had a bit of a row with my dad yesterday and it left me feeling low. I had really intense cravings to go and get some weed. It helped that I moved away and I don't have any weed contacts nearby or I think I would have got some and got myself in a cycle. As it was I was considering calling nearby people I know who might be able to link me up, or driving 2 or 3 hours to my nearest contact.

I think it reminded me that it can make me feel so good. I want the feeling again. It's never enough though and it ends up with poor finances, poor mental health and social isolation. And overall bad feelings.
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#12

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Nov 30, 2019 5:44 pm

This is an outlet. Writing is an outlet. How can I tell anyone else that I feel like banging my head on a wall? Punching myself in the face? Just not being here.

How can you reach out and ask for help? Who can I reach out to who would both understand and not be burdened by it?

It feels to me, like no one.

That's how yann must have felt. He said things to me in his usual upbeat way. Like when we got arrested and they asked him if he had ever tried to hurt himself and he said he bangs his head. The time he punched a mirror after a fight with lana. I was not there for him and he killed himself.

I don't know how to cope in a world so full of pain. I don't know how to be there for people. And I don't know how to let people be there for me.

I have to be there for me. I have to write. I have to let it out somehow and that's what I'm doing. I'm doing my best. I'm not a bad person. I have to try to learn from my mistakes and move on. I feel sorry in my heart that I was not able to be there for yann. It hurts my heart. I was stoned. Then I ws abstinent and absent cos I cut myself off from all that and I think I felt ashamed of having friends who used drugs and ashamed of who I was.

I learn from my mistakes. I am not going to escape from my emotions, from my cares. I am not going to hide who I am or the path I have taken. I am who I am.

I feel calmer writing. Writing helps. I will keep writing.

I feel unsupported by dad. I asked how he would feel if I postponed the payment I make to him until after Christmas. He told me I need to get things sorted - I am already trying to and he must be aware of this because he has been talking things through with me and I had really been appreciating his input on starting out as self employed - and that I had promised him that he could rely on the payment. This is true and I said its not a problem, I can pay him if he needs it. Its the tone he uses, and the way that makes me feel so small. I hadn't said I would not pay him, in fact I will make a point of paying him. I don't care if I go into my overdraft. I don't want his help if he doesn't want to give it. In fact, knowing that he would want to help me would be the most help he could give me. Just the fact that he cares. I feel really like he doesn't care and that is what hurts. He lives in this big house with a pretty nice car. He's doing alright for himself and he has plenty. And I'm not asking for a handout. It hurts because it's a raw wound. It's happened over and over again. It never heals.

I feel really angry with him. He used to make me scared growing up. I used to think he might really hurt someone. I saw him kick jmes. I heard him be so disrespectful to mum. All the troubles growing up. Unresolved. And to hear from Heidi of james' troubles. To see mum so sad and tearfilled in that conversation. Dad asleep somewhere. Oblivious. As f***ing usual.

I really feel like blaming him. I know I need to take personal responsibility for my own life.

My own life. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so unstable. Like nothing is worth trying. The higher you go the further you fall. I feel like a constant up and down.

Is writing helping? I feel stuck. I feel so low. I feel like throwing this f***ing phone at the f***ing wall. Like taking my f***ing car and driving it off the edge of the f***ing world. **** **** **** **** **** **** FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I still haven't punched myself in the face though. And I haven't gone to get smokes. And I have realised how many people out there feel the same. Maybe I should be more blunt and ask for help and tell some of how I really feel. Its sh** to know that other people feel this crazy and sh** and all alone with no one they can possibly share it with.
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#13

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Dec 14, 2019 1:12 am

It panics me a bit to feel so low again. It's coming in waves and I push it aside. Is that wise? Should I seek help? Is it just the blues? A normal-ish experience and one that just is.

I think about suicide fairly often lately. Not like how I would do it. Just thinking, how it would be peaceful. How this place is so raw. How complicated life seems. How overwhelming.

I've cried a few times lately when the emotions have been allowed to flow I will allow them. It's making a space for them. It's knowing who is in my inner circle of trust. Who I can reach out to.

My parents have called me oversensitive in the past. Harshly, I feel. I think it's been damaging for me. Invalidating. They don't really show much emotion either.

I need someone to rely on. I can deal with this, but what if it gets worse? How will I cope? I feel alone. Like I can't open up to anyone.


Maybe that's how Christopher happened. I was smoking weed again. Somehow, after 3 years of insisting I just wanted to be his friend, we ended up sleeping together. It confused me. He had been chasing me for 3 years. But yes, at a festival, having smoked quite a lot. Was it the weed? It felt weirdly mystical. Like, subtle messaging. I don't know how to explain. It felt kind of good. Like he knew my body. And I do find him interesting, mentally. I think he represented an alternative way of living too. One which I liked the idea of. Living in a truck or a teepee. In his own forest. Having time instead of money. Friends instead of colleagues. Freedom.

Now I feel f***ed in the head by it all. We had a go at being closer. I realised that I don't like the way he kisses me sometimes. I don't like the way he smells sometimes. I don't like the way he's pushy sometimes. I don't like that he's too old for me to feel comfortable with

But I do miss talking to him. I like his interest in Buddhism and trees and music. When he speaks to me online though, he really annoys me. He won't Accept that I don't want to be with him physically. We can't just be friends.

I have to set a boundary. It feels a bit new... I guess I must not have set many a boundary before.

Writing has helped again. I do feel more clarity. I feel that it's good to recognise the emotions, recognise them for what they are and not fear them. Things are scarier when they're lurking in the dark.

Its hard to open up I think because of shame. I feel shame around this. I get the urge to hide from shame. Self loathing. Eughhhhh. It's such a strong feeling.

I watched a drama series recently and it reminded me of Donna and how I felt when she broke it off. How physically pained I was. Crying till I was sick. My love life has been so all over the place. I am slowly learning my own mind and what it is that attracts me. But I have a long way to go and I do find it confusing.

Drugs certainly haven't helped to ease my confusion. The time when I took dmt and hallucinated a very Christian collègue of mine coming out of the bathroom tiles with a lion mane and feeling that she was showing me that I should be with a man not a woman and I ended up sleeping with leigh that night.

Am I 'a lesbian'. Does that label even mean anything? Am I autistic? Who is even sure about that? everything seems up for debate and like a massive grey area. Who is a terrorist? What is a lie? Who to trust? None of this probably makes much sense if someone else is actually reading this... It just helps to put it all down and out of my head. With election day being today, my head feels extra overwhelmed cos I usually try to avoid the news. Not from a lack of care but quite the opposite. It leads me to research and dig deeper and Bury myself. But it sucked me in lately, trying to understand politics... Trying to read between the lines. It's overwhelming and painful.

To sum up then. I feel sad about losing a friend in Christopher, but resolute that this is the only way forward and I boundary I must keep. I feel sad and confused about global politics. I struggle with not fully understanding myself, the difficulties I have with emotions and connecting with people. The difficulty I have in understanding my own sexual and romantic preferences. I feel that taking drugs has caused me more difficulties in these things.

I am grateful not to be writing about how I will sort everything out tomorrow. How I will just finish this bag of grass and then I will stop. I'M GRATEFUL TO BE LIVING IN THIS MOMENT.

I'm grateful for being able to live in this home. To share the company of my parents and the dog. To have a family. To have musical instruments, to be able to learn languages. To be able to read books. The freedom to seek knowledge. To live in this country where I don't feel threatened. This forum, for learning and sharing and seeking clarity.

A comfortable and warm place to sleep. A tidy room. A phone. Friends.

Health. Food. A yoga mat. Two in fact. I am learning how selfish I can be. That sounds really derogatory, I don't mean to call myself a name but just, how concernée with the self I can be. How much I take for granted. How little I actually help people in need. Despite my genuine caring attitude and desire to help others.. How little I actually get done.
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