The first step

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:35 pm

When I have cannabis, I smoke it compulsively. Alone, in my car, in the rain, in the freezing cold, with borrowed money, prioritised above needing money for food, fuel, whatever. I am a cannabis addict.

Today I smoked the last of my stash. Deleted my numbers. This is not my first attempt and up till now I have been gradually working at this. One step forward two steps back. But I have been learning and I'm ready to cut the cannabis out now.

I will be recording my journey on here.
RealEyesEm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:20 pm
Likes Received: 3


#1

Postby JoeBloggs » Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:07 am

Sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to quit for good.
User avatar
JoeBloggs
Preferred Member
 
Posts: 303
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:20 am
Likes Received: 51

#2

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Mar 11, 2018 5:21 pm

Thank you Joe Bloggs for your encouragement.

I have had a busy day, awoke much earlier than usual, got lots done, got back in contact with friends/family that I've been neglecting. Found half a smoked spliff in my car. Couldn't resist smoking it. And now, my guy has called me telling me he's put one aside for me... I told him I'm coming over... I can't lie, I'm struggling to stay resolute...
RealEyesEm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:20 pm
Likes Received: 3

#3

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Jul 07, 2018 11:51 pm

Having had another 3 month or so stint of smoking heavily, I have now not smoked any pot for over a week.

I've spent a long time reading through someone else's story on here, which has really inspired me to write more on here. To connect and share. Thank you Reckoning and everyone else who shares. I've read a lot on here, it is a place where I feel I belong and where people understand.

I read this quote and it gives power to my dawning realisation that my sensitivity, my emotional nature, is not something to be hidden and ashamed of.

There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.
- Washington Irving

I've been crying a great deal lately, and that's OK. I cried in the middle of a yoga class the other day. I cry along with music quite often. I cried watching James cordon car share with Paul Mc Cartney while he was telling him about how he wrote 'Let it be' after his mum visited him in his dream.

All the beauty and all the pain, it all brings me to tears, and that's OK. I want to share the beauty and the pain and sometimes tears are the only way to express it.

Love to all
X
RealEyesEm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:20 pm
Likes Received: 3

#4

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:16 pm

Hi RealEyesEm, keep going with your quit and keep posting. Single most important thing that has made a difference for me on this quit is posting here and supporting others. And of course really learning how to tolerate pain rather than escaping it.

It is tough, but the benefits do reveal themselves. I've learnt so much on this quit. This forum and the people here help me stay committed.

Its real hard when you have a partner/girlfriend/boyfriend who smokes and has one ready for you. That was my situation. This time around it became a choice between keeping a relationship or being able to live my life in line with the values I hold. I really value staying emotionally connected and whole, and dealing with my emotions. Even when smoking I used to yearn all the time to stop the emotional dodging that smoking enabled me to do.

I dreamt last night that I had a smoke and I was so pleased when I woke up and realised it was just a dream.

I always found, over the years of smoking, that after a big stint of smoking I always cried a lot. It really messed with my emotional regulation.

I am so happy to be such a long way down the track and can only encourage you to keep going. I'll be interested in following your progress.
reckoning
Junior Member
 
Posts: 83
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:47 pm
Likes Received: 66

#5

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:15 pm

I'm on my way home from my grandparents Diamond wedding anniversary lunch. It was a really special day. I've been driving for about an hour towards my house. The cravings have struck.

'I owe my dealer money anyway. I might as well see him and just get a tens. That's nothing anyway, just a tiny bit. Won't make any difference. I've got to see him anyway at some point so it's better if I just see him now rather than later, etc. '

I think it's because I was feeling quite elated. And then going home to my flat by myself. I'm not going to crack though. Your message really helped me, Reckoning. Thank you so very much for taking the time and care.
RealEyesEm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:20 pm
Likes Received: 3

#6

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:44 pm

Hey Em, oh yes , it's part of the territory many of us have come to know, this thinking that weed is a good friend, someone you want and need to take home, to share your emotions with, or to sooth you or to help you manage your intense emotions. Oh yeah I used to think she will take my loneliness away. And you know what she never did. Over time she just wanted me to herself and she never ever supported my efforts to stay with my emotions. Mary Jane made things worse .

In the beginning it is very tough and you are doing well making your thinking transparent to yourself. It seems as if it won't be harmful just a little bit, and so...... the addictive impulses actually control you. And this so called friend, weed , will always up the anti , the control it wants , when you start to put your own boundaries in place.

I found in the beginning that when I felt like that I would get on line and read about how people pushed through these early hard days . In the beginning it was all about managing the physicality of the withdrawal before I could start to get to all the reasons why I smoked.

Keep going, it's worth it. cheers Liz
reckoning
Junior Member
 
Posts: 83
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:47 pm
Likes Received: 66

#7

Postby RealEyesEm » Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:10 am

Sometimes I feel like my moods are in sync with the weather. The rain and my tears fall down together. The trees and I are buffeted by the winds.

I don't know if it's Paws or not. All I know is that since I moved away to live back at my parents house, to get away from my past chapter where I was not coping, I haven't smoked cannabis. And now, 6 months down the line, I feel particularly shitty. It might be PAWS. It might be circumstance. It might be depression. It might be changing weather.

It's been said that writing has helped others. I haven't been on here for a long time and it's helped a bit to look back here. To see some progress. To remind myself that I may still be recovering.
RealEyesEm
New Member
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:20 pm
Likes Received: 3



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Addictions