The first step

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Mar 10, 2018 10:35 pm

When I have cannabis, I smoke it compulsively. Alone, in my car, in the rain, in the freezing cold, with borrowed money, prioritised above needing money for food, fuel, whatever. I am a cannabis addict.

Today I smoked the last of my stash. Deleted my numbers. This is not my first attempt and up till now I have been gradually working at this. One step forward two steps back. But I have been learning and I'm ready to cut the cannabis out now.

I will be recording my journey on here.
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#1

Postby JoeBloggs » Sun Mar 11, 2018 12:07 am

Sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to quit for good.
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#2

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Mar 11, 2018 5:21 pm

Thank you Joe Bloggs for your encouragement.

I have had a busy day, awoke much earlier than usual, got lots done, got back in contact with friends/family that I've been neglecting. Found half a smoked spliff in my car. Couldn't resist smoking it. And now, my guy has called me telling me he's put one aside for me... I told him I'm coming over... I can't lie, I'm struggling to stay resolute...
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#3

Postby RealEyesEm » Sat Jul 07, 2018 11:51 pm

Having had another 3 month or so stint of smoking heavily, I have now not smoked any pot for over a week.

I've spent a long time reading through someone else's story on here, which has really inspired me to write more on here. To connect and share. Thank you Reckoning and everyone else who shares. I've read a lot on here, it is a place where I feel I belong and where people understand.

I read this quote and it gives power to my dawning realisation that my sensitivity, my emotional nature, is not something to be hidden and ashamed of.

There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.
- Washington Irving

I've been crying a great deal lately, and that's OK. I cried in the middle of a yoga class the other day. I cry along with music quite often. I cried watching James cordon car share with Paul Mc Cartney while he was telling him about how he wrote 'Let it be' after his mum visited him in his dream.

All the beauty and all the pain, it all brings me to tears, and that's OK. I want to share the beauty and the pain and sometimes tears are the only way to express it.

Love to all
X
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#4

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:16 pm

Hi RealEyesEm, keep going with your quit and keep posting. Single most important thing that has made a difference for me on this quit is posting here and supporting others. And of course really learning how to tolerate pain rather than escaping it.

It is tough, but the benefits do reveal themselves. I've learnt so much on this quit. This forum and the people here help me stay committed.

Its real hard when you have a partner/girlfriend/boyfriend who smokes and has one ready for you. That was my situation. This time around it became a choice between keeping a relationship or being able to live my life in line with the values I hold. I really value staying emotionally connected and whole, and dealing with my emotions. Even when smoking I used to yearn all the time to stop the emotional dodging that smoking enabled me to do.

I dreamt last night that I had a smoke and I was so pleased when I woke up and realised it was just a dream.

I always found, over the years of smoking, that after a big stint of smoking I always cried a lot. It really messed with my emotional regulation.

I am so happy to be such a long way down the track and can only encourage you to keep going. I'll be interested in following your progress.
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#5

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:15 pm

I'm on my way home from my grandparents Diamond wedding anniversary lunch. It was a really special day. I've been driving for about an hour towards my house. The cravings have struck.

'I owe my dealer money anyway. I might as well see him and just get a tens. That's nothing anyway, just a tiny bit. Won't make any difference. I've got to see him anyway at some point so it's better if I just see him now rather than later, etc. '

I think it's because I was feeling quite elated. And then going home to my flat by myself. I'm not going to crack though. Your message really helped me, Reckoning. Thank you so very much for taking the time and care.
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#6

Postby reckoning » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:44 pm

Hey Em, oh yes , it's part of the territory many of us have come to know, this thinking that weed is a good friend, someone you want and need to take home, to share your emotions with, or to sooth you or to help you manage your intense emotions. Oh yeah I used to think she will take my loneliness away. And you know what she never did. Over time she just wanted me to herself and she never ever supported my efforts to stay with my emotions. Mary Jane made things worse .

In the beginning it is very tough and you are doing well making your thinking transparent to yourself. It seems as if it won't be harmful just a little bit, and so...... the addictive impulses actually control you. And this so called friend, weed , will always up the anti , the control it wants , when you start to put your own boundaries in place.

I found in the beginning that when I felt like that I would get on line and read about how people pushed through these early hard days . In the beginning it was all about managing the physicality of the withdrawal before I could start to get to all the reasons why I smoked.

Keep going, it's worth it. cheers Liz
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#7

Postby RealEyesEm » Mon Jan 28, 2019 12:10 am

Sometimes I feel like my moods are in sync with the weather. The rain and my tears fall down together. The trees and I are buffeted by the winds.

I don't know if it's Paws or not. All I know is that since I moved away to live back at my parents house, to get away from my past chapter where I was not coping, I haven't smoked cannabis. And now, 6 months down the line, I feel particularly shitty. It might be PAWS. It might be circumstance. It might be depression. It might be changing weather.

It's been said that writing has helped others. I haven't been on here for a long time and it's helped a bit to look back here. To see some progress. To remind myself that I may still be recovering.
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#8

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun Apr 28, 2019 10:47 pm

Things have been going OK. I haven't smoked weed for about 9 months. My mood shifts don't feel as extreme as they did but I do feel a low level anxious and down feeling quite often.

I think that doing more exercise and meditation will help so that is what I'm going to try. I'm going to stop smoking cigarettes too. I will post here as an outlet and a reminder to myself to help me embed these new habit changes.
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#9

Postby RealEyesEm » Sun May 05, 2019 5:54 pm

I've been feeling low in mood. Creeping spiralling thoughts that I'm trying not to latch onto. I am yet to get exercise into my routine. I'm holding off on stopping smoking. I plan to see an NHS advisor because it will help with my quit attempt I am sure and prevent me from full relapse if I slip up because I will be checking in with someone. So my next step is to call the gp and get an appointment.

This weekend I have struggled to get moving, feeling somewhat isolated and like I have no plans, so why bother getting dressed, etc.

There are things that I like doing though, even alone, and I think if I make a routine and a plan in advance it will help me to keep moving and feeling positive. I slip too easily into staring at a TV, scrolling through my phone, lying in my bed and eating junk food.

If I can make even a loose routine, eg. Wake at a certain time, meditate, exercise, eat, etc, that I can stick to regularly, then i think it could help.

It is sticking to it that I'm finding difficult though. When I have negative thoughts, I slip back. I will try factoring in something that I enjoy each day too, eg. Drumming, swimming, art, it might help me to stick to a routine if it doesn't all feel like a chore. Not that eating and meditation feel like a chore when I'm in a positive mindset. I think it's just pushing through and making it non negotiable cos these things do lift my mood once I get started.
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#10

Postby AnnaK » Wed May 08, 2019 12:29 am

Don't smoke its poison..break up with Mary Jane she is Satanic unlike the blessed virgin. Weed will ruin your brain. I hate it and wish I never ever tried it. It tricks you into one last toke and just a little won't hurt and it's just weed...and everyone does it. I wish someone would have told me the truth and not that cannabis has no withdrawal. That is the stupid lie everyone is spreading. It's not a natural and harmless herb...
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