My quit Journal

Postby exstonerinhell » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:56 pm

Hey, so I've been floating around here and I think I've finally realised what is wrong with me.

I've been off weed (20 years, last 10 years daily use of very strong buds) for coming up on 4 months now and I've been in hell. It started off slow but has been peaking in intensity.

Symptoms that have surfaced after quitting:

Sweating hands and feet
Foul smelling gas all the time
Get 'flu-like' chills (super fun with the sweating hands and feet)
Anxiety (insane anxiety that I've never experienced)
Depression (same)
Emotionless / Emotional (sometimes I feel nothing, other times I just can't stop crying)
Ringing in my ears
Heart palps
DP/DR (constant)
Anhedonia (take no pleasure in ANYTHING)
No motivation
Restlessness (that's a fun one, because I always want to be doing something, but have no motivation to do anything)
Can't relate to people, feel like I'm existing in the world through a fog.
Insane dreams (sometimes super vivid and they stick with me all day, sometimes not so bad)

But here's the real fun part, so I was on benzo's for like 3 months and went off those more or less cold turkey at my DRs advice, so I've been thinking it was that this whole time. And maybe that plays a part in it, but more than anything, reading on these boards, I'm seeing more and more that if it IS that, it's weed related PAWS too.

So I did a number on my brain, either way and I'm stuck here with the repercussions. A part of me wants to start smoking again, as I feel it will ease these symptoms if I just go back to the way I was, but I'm afraid of the anxiety I was feeling before resurfacing (the reason I quit, started getting really bad anxiety). So I just don't know what to do other than to hold out and work towards this getting better.

I realise it's going to take a ton of time and am in it for the long haul. I feel incredibly down on myself but have no choice but to get through this. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

The last months have been insane. Everyday I wake up with an steadily increasing sense of anxiety that lasts pretty much throughout the day. Most days it peaks around 1AM and then starts to slide off. Lately (within the past week or so) I'm having better days (less symptoms and can relate to people better, but I still feel like a space alien) but those pass and I end up back in serious hell.

I honestly don't know if it's weed or benzo related, but either way I'm in a sh** place that I have to crawl my way out of. I've gone this far, so don't have much choice but to keep going.

I'm scared shitless, but have a strong girlfriend who is helping me through this and the support of my family, so I will get through, but I'm just f***ing terrified of the person I've become and that I will always be this person. I'm so f***ing scared.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:44 pm

You quit weed for a reason, probably multiple reasons. Since this is a quit journal, maybe put down why you quit in writing and periodically remind yourself about the reasons you quit and why you don’t want to go back to that. It might help.
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#2

Postby exstonerinhell » Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:02 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You quit weed for a reason, probably multiple reasons. Since this is a quit journal, maybe put down why you quit in writing and periodically remind yourself about the reasons you quit and why you don’t want to go back to that. It might help.


Thank you for the reply. Unfortunately I sort of tricked myself into quitting. I was having anxiety from smoking, which had happened in the past and I was able to quit without as many issues as I'm experiencing now. Which is why I'm torn on whether this is from weed or the benzo's, and I've come around to deciding it's both.

I was a happy little stoner until this happened, but now that I see the effects that heavy weed use can have on people I'm going to do everything I can to stay clean. Part of me thinks if I smoke again everything will go back to normal, but I kinda doubt that. I also don't even want to try because it might just screw me up worse than I already am.

So, at this point I'm just in it for the long haul. I quit because it was making me anxious, and then all hell broke loose. I'm going to stay quit because I never, EVER, want to go through this again. Especially if weed just makes me an anxious wreck.
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#3

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:38 am

Yesterday and today have been particularly bad. This is followed up by a couple of days that weren't horrible. I can't believe that this is happening and just want to be me again. I know it's going to take a lot of time and effort on my part, just feeling completely beat down today. Trying to stay positive, but it's hard to find the positivity when you feel like this. It's insane.
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#4

Postby JoeBloggs » Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:43 am

I blame the benzos.
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#5

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:50 am

JoeBloggs wrote:I blame the benzos.


I blame both, to be honest.
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#6

Postby Coldturkey2018 » Tue Mar 13, 2018 2:35 pm

The phlegm in my throat all the time and just the feeling of not being 100% well being is the worst part for me it sucks so bad I always think something is wrong with me due to my anxiety
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#7

Postby exstonerinhell » Tue Mar 13, 2018 10:46 pm

Went to a shrink today, gave me Wellbutrin (already on 20mg Lexapro) and propranolol. Will see how that goes. :roll:
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#8

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Mar 16, 2018 1:17 am

Haven't tried the wellbutrin, propranolol helped with anxiety some. This is the worst sh** in the world, whether I'm in PAWS from the weed or the benzo's, or both, I'm in total hell. Locked in my head, can't access me. I have times where I have emotions and feel comfortable, otherwise I can't do anything. Have no pleasure in doing the things I did before, have no pleasure in anything really. Am hard to be around, can't joke, laugh, or be sociable like I used to. Hate being alone, but don't like being around others either. Just feel like a goddamn space alien.

W/e I'm in withdrawals from, I know it's going to be a while before I start to get better, so hanging in there for the long haul, but today and the past couple months have been BRUTAL.
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#9

Postby Coldturkey2018 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 1:37 am

I know how you feel I have times through out the day where I feel pretty good then I feel like hopeless other times like my mother will talk to me sometimes and all can respond with is like simple words lie yeah or mhm cause there is just so much sh** on my mind it sucks.
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#10

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Mar 16, 2018 4:09 am

Coldturkey2018 wrote:I know how you feel I have times through out the day where I feel pretty good then I feel like hopeless other times like my mother will talk to me sometimes and all can respond with is like simple words lie yeah or mhm cause there is just so much sh** on my mind it sucks.


The ups and downs are insane. I don't know how I can do this for the next (possibly) two years of my life. I guess it gets better, easier to manage? I don't know this f***ing sucks.
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#11

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Mar 16, 2018 7:02 am

Coming down some from this day of misery. Know I've got more in front of me, paying the piper for years of chronic weed use. Have just got to hang on, whether or not this takes 2 years or more I've got plenty of life left to get over this hump and move on. Plenty of work to do in the meantime.

Couldn't have ever imagined this would be so brutal, though. No way around it but through, I suppose.
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#12

Postby Coldturkey2018 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 7:23 am

It’s 3:30 am and I just awoke for some reason maybe it was from a dream I was having idk but this sucks honestly
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#13

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Mar 16, 2018 8:15 am

Coldturkey2018 wrote:It’s 3:30 am and I just awoke for some reason maybe it was from a dream I was having idk but this sucks honestly


That's a drag man, the one thing I can do is sleep (when I finally calm down enough to actually sleep). Can't believe this insane anxiety, and just walking through the world in a fog. Oh well, one day closer to healing, you too.
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#14

Postby EdiBee » Fri Mar 16, 2018 9:05 pm

So true. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 am (instead of 7 am), could not fall asleep again, and I was feeling literally crazy in the afternoon because of the anxiety. Very sick thing. My whole body was itching, all humans, myself included, were absurd and monstruous. Was happy to get back at home and sip an herbal tea. Went to bed early and slept well - today I feel way better, more concentration and less crazy that’s for sure.
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