My quit Journal

#90

Postby exstonerinhell » Sat Jul 21, 2018 3:06 pm

Checking in, 7ish months into my quit.

Things are definitely better. I met a girl, and she has helped me immensely in getting out of my head and back into the real world. Still have down days, but spend more time feeling even keeled and even somewhat good than I do feeling like the nightmare at the beginning of this quit.

Things aren't perfect, my brain still sucks at producing happy chemicals. I don't laugh a whole lot and still feel like a space alien from time to time. But I'll take this over the first 6 months of my quit ANY DAY, and I'll take this over being baked all the time.

I was a HEAVY user, so while I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, the tunnel isn't so horribly black anymore.

Symptom List and where I'm at.

Sweating hands and feet - This is gone.
Foul smelling gas all the time - This is gone.
Get 'flu-like' chills (super fun with the sweating hands and feet) - This is gone
Anxiety (insane anxiety that I've never experienced) - Still have issues with this, not nearly as bad, though and is improving. Doesn't leave on its own, had to change some things and work at it.
Depression (same) - Same as with anxiety, improving but is still there and doesn't leave on its own, have to work at it.
Emotionless / Emotional (sometimes I feel nothing, other times I just can't stop crying) - This is more or less gone in terms of the intensity it was at. I'm at the steering wheel, my emotions don't run me into the ground anymore.
Ringing in my ears - Gone.
Heart palps - Get this sometimes when anxiety is particularly bad.
DP/DR (constant) - GONE, I absolutely hated this the worst.
Anhedonia (take no pleasure in ANYTHING) - This is much, MUCH improved. I can read, listen to podcasts, watch movies, etc. Everything has lost its, "Oh what's the point?" sheen.
No motivation - [b]Much like the anxiety and the depression, this is still a work in progress but showing improvement.

Restlessness (that's a fun one, because I always want to be doing something, but have no motivation to do anything) - This has pretty much cleared up, this was the worst when the anxiety was at its worst. Don't have the ants in my pants feeling anymore.
Can't relate to people, feel like I'm existing in the world through a fog. - This has pretty much completely cleared up, I'm able to live again, though things are different. That's to be expected, though.
Insane dreams (sometimes super vivid and they stick with me all day, sometimes not so bad) - Sometimes have nutso dreams, sometimes don't remember them. If I wake up from my alarm I never remember my dreams, pretty much. If I sleep without an alarm I'll have dreams, even crazy dreams sometimes, but they're nothing like the lifelike vivid dreams at the beginning.

So where am I at % wise? Depends on the day, but I'd say I bounce around from 60% to 85% (on my good days). I see improvement, but as is well known around here it's slow! I try not to come onto this site as much as I did in the beginning. The most important lesson I've learned is that you can't dwell on the horror of this experience. You just got to push through it as best you can. While this site is great for reassurance, and support in the beginning there comes a time when you've got to cut loose, not compare your own story with everyone else's, and do what you can to put your life back together.

Hanging in there. I feel like I have a ways to go still, but I'm making it. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into months and I'm still in the fight.
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#91

Postby reckoning » Sat Jul 21, 2018 6:09 pm

Great post. Thanks for the update. Congratulations. Keep going. I am about the same 7 months into the quit. Your list of improvements is really helpful. cheers
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#92

Postby exstonerinhell » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:46 am

9ish months.

Things continue to improve. I'll get some waves here and there, and they can feel pretty shitty but it's tolerable, and even now I'm in a better place than I could have imagined being in in the beginning of all this sh**. Most mornings I wake up with very little anxiety and I'm glad to be into a new day as opposed to dreading it like before.

When I go to bed I can lay comfortably, read a book, and just drift off without fear of what's going to be coming up on the next day.

Symptoms and where I'm at.

Anxiety (insane anxiety that I've never experienced) - Much, much improved. It didn't just disappear on its own, I had to work at it. Stress can still get me revved up, but again, nothing like I was experiencing. Some days better than others, but all in all I can live like this.
Depression (same) - I'd say it's better, still one of the more lingering symptoms. I can do things to help it though, and there have been days and weeks where I haven't noticed it at all. A wave can sneak up on me, but I'm maintaining and improving with this a lot.
Emotionless / Emotional (sometimes I feel nothing, other times I just can't stop crying) - This has pretty much cleared up, I can manage my emotions. The emotionless stuff left and hasn't returned in some time.
Anhedonia (take no pleasure in ANYTHING) - Again, much improved to the point I can say it has more or less cleared up. Even in the worst of my depression now I can distract myself with things that make me happy.
No motivation - I can't say this is completely gone, but much more manageable. I find it difficult to start things from time to time, but once I do I'm okay.
Can't relate to people, feel like I'm existing in the world through a fog. - This has cleared up completely. Even in my worst depression and anxiety I feel apart of the world again.
Insane dreams (sometimes super vivid and they stick with me all day, sometimes not so bad) - Still dreaming every night. They don't stick to me all day. The ones that do, and when they're super vivid like they were in the beginning, usually mean I'm in (or about to experience) a wave. If my alarm wakes me I don't remember them at all.

So, that's where I'm at. Improving everyday, and am at the point where I can really feel the improvements.

Still don't laugh as much as I'd like to, but this experience has been pretty brutal on me, but I know that carefree laughter will come back in time. Do I see a light at the end of the tunnel? I hesitate to say so, cause when a wave of PAWS hits me it can feel pretty shitty. But it doesn't last more than a few days at this point and I have pretty good stretches of feeling just fine. It does scare me though when they first come on, and I get afraid of moving backwards. I know I can beat this now, as opposed to always being terrified of it. As I said before, I may not see (what I consider to be) light at the end of the tunnel yet, but (as before) it's getting less and less horribly black as it was.

Even still, my worst days now are better than my best days at the beginning of this. I'd say the more normal I feel the less I think about how horrible I felt, so it's good I'm not traumatized. But in that, I find that sometimes the thought of smoking pops into my head from time to time. It's not so hard to beat those thoughts back though, especially when I look back on this and remember just how shitty I was when writing some of this stuff.

Keeping vigilant, improving myself as best I can. Doing good.

We will heal. Bless you all.
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#93

Postby reckoning » Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:25 pm

Even still, my worst days now are better than my best days at the beginning of this. I'd say the more normal I feel the less I think about how horrible I felt, so it's good I'm not traumatized. But in that, I find that sometimes the thought of smoking pops into my head from time to time. It's not so hard to beat those thoughts back though, especially when I look back on this and remember just how shitty I was when writing some of this stuff.

Keeping vigilant, improving myself as best I can. Doing good.

Congratulations exstonerinhell. You have taken an amazing journey and created a really valuable record of it on here. I can relate to everything you have said in this post it more or less applies to me as you have expressed it and we started at about the same time.

When the smoking thought pops into my head it's usually when and if things start to feel a bit 'boring'. By boring I just mean that sometimes living this clean and healthy lifestyle still takes effort and commitment, keeping vigilant as you say, and by the time I am done with that I don't always have a lot left over for others. It's the down times for me where I am still not entirely in my own skin yet. I spend a lot of time keeping exercise going, and am now trying to drop weight. I'm on a path too of dropping the amount of social drinking which has slowly crept into my life as weed recovery gets longer and stronger. Having a glass of wine or two with friends has crept in to an almost daily social thing I do and then it's not hard to have a glass of wine when on your own. No major problem by any means, but I am wary it can easily become one.

At times when I reflect back the thing that stands out for me is the dis-service I did myself emotionally. I do believe my reactivity to stuff I don't like is getting less and less extreme and this has taken a lot of getting used to. I like being less reactive, but it's so unusual. Now I find that when I am in the company of people who see the 'down' side in everything that it is a big challenge and I can only imagine how challenging I must have been to many people. I still regret the waste of those years.

Thanks so much for your great post and keep going and keep posting. cheers Liz
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#94

Postby exstonerinhell » Sat Sep 29, 2018 5:20 am

Liz, thank you so much. You've helped me a lot throughout this journey. I hope, in some small way, I've been able to help you as well!

Being 'bored' is the kicker, for sure. But I've found ways to deal with that boredom, and in some ways the healthy things I'm doing for myself now feel better than being stoned all the time just to function.

It's the down times for me where I am still not entirely in my own skin yet. I spend a lot of time keeping exercise going, and am now trying to drop weight.


Mornings were the worst for me, and still can be at times. But they're getting better and better. Exercise was the hardest thing to get myself motivated to do, but boy-o-boy am I glad I did my best to stick to it. The healthier I get in body I can feel the results in my mind. Of course, it's not instant gratification like puffing was... but it feels so much better now. Hell, if I was at 50% of what I'm at now I'd be feeling so much better. I know it can be tough, but it does pay off big time. I credit Cleanofgreen and Bagobones for their advice in that aspect of things. It SUCKS at first, but I don't think I'd be anywhere near where I'm at without exercise.

I'm on a path too of dropping the amount of social drinking which has slowly crept into my life as weed recovery gets longer and stronger. Having a glass of wine or two with friends has crept in to an almost daily social thing I do and then it's not hard to have a glass of wine when on your own. No major problem by any means, but I am wary it can easily become one.


I'm fortunate in that I've never been a drinker. I could see myself getting on a slippery slope with that if I tried it just out of curiosity. I had a cigarette not too long ago, and it has been a while since I smoked one and I got BUZZED, and really enjoyed that feeling. LOL, no more cigs for me!!

I like being less reactive, but it's so unusual.


I'm right there with you. I'll get thoughts of being reactive ALL the time, but I've taught (and am still teaching) myself in all this that thoughts and actions are two seperate things. It's an odd thing to just be learning that now, but as a pothead it was something that never really was of much importance.

Now I find that when I am in the company of people who see the 'down' side in everything that it is a big challenge and I can only imagine how challenging I must have been to many people.


Couldn't have said it better. I've seen some of my stoner friends from time to time throughout all of this and it's hard to come to terms with their laziness and just general complacency. Then on top of that I can really see their negative outlook on things, like they're never bored cause they're never sober and therefore take everything for granted. I can't see eye-to-eye with them on that anymore and just find it tough to be around them. I love them, miss them, but am just not in the same world anymore.

I still regret the waste of those years.


I hear you. All that time, smoking, doing nothing really went by in the blink of an eye. These last 9 months feel like they've taken FOREVER but I'm appreciating having time now as opposed to just wasting it.

You keep going too, I'm frequently checking in on these boards, even if I don't post all the time, so I'm always about. Stay strong. Doesn't matter how long it took us to learn about our real selves, the important thing is that we're doing it.

Liz, you're the best. If I could, I'd change my name to 'exstonerexitinghell'. ;)
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#95

Postby Bagobones » Sat Sep 29, 2018 6:28 am

exstonerinhell wrote:Liz, you're the best. If I could, I'd change my name to 'exstonerexitinghell'. ;)


Well well well!! Look who is ending his post with a little humour.. hehe. That makes me happy to see! Very happy..

I am proud of you dude. Very proud of you..
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#96

Postby exstonerinhell » Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:54 pm

Thanks Bagobones (will call you that in public ;) ) you've helped me so much, man. I can't thank you enough for your support. Love you, boss.
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#97

Postby Bagobones » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:04 pm

Aaaaw, love you too brother!
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#98

Postby Astro413 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 3:43 pm

Hey Robbie, 3 1/2 months in and I’m with you symptom for symptom. I can say I’m so much better than I was the initial month. In fact despit on being 3 1/2 months in the first month seems like it was years ago. By that I mean it was so traumatizing I find it hard to remember every detail. I just wasn’t myself and I tryelyndodnt know who I was. Not saying that I’m 100% because I’m far from it in my opinion but everything is manageable now. I don’t wake up in panic anymore, I don’t really feel like the end of the world is near anymore, but I do still question my future and whether or not I’ll ever be 100%. I have good days where I feel happiness (often times only half days) and I have bad days where I feel anxious and depressed for absolutely no reason, but I find it a lot easier to distract myself now. I’m still eagerly awaiting the day that I can see life clearly again and can just be my happy self again without effort. These days are coming we just have to keep being patient.
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#99

Postby Astro413 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 3:44 pm

Wrong board, sorry guys..
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#100

Postby Brudenski » Wed Oct 31, 2018 8:35 am

Hey mate,
Hope you are better.
Can you give us some feedback about your status now, i was following your thread and it gives us hope especially us the new quitter.
Sorry to bother.
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