Is it time to leave my relationship?

Postby unknowwn » Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:15 pm

I think ive been putting off posting this for awhile as im worried what the outcome will be. I cant really talk to people in my life about this because i just dont want them to know. I need serious advice because i dont know what to do. This might be a long post so buckle in. 100 percent honest because i need serious advice.

Ill start off by saying that i deeply love my boyfriend, he has helped me grow in alot of ways. His always been there for me, he usually makes me very happy and we have fun together. Weve been together for 2.5 years, we now live together aswell. Both in early 20s.

Despite all this, we do have some very rough times and i dont know what to do. He has been physical with me multiple times. Not in the sense that he has beaten me and left bruises but he has pushed, shoved, kicked, grabbed me by the throat, bitten, pinned me down and grabbed me by the jaw all on seperate occasions. I dont think he would ever 'hit' me but honesty im not 100 percent confident it would never escalate to that. I think id have to do something very bad for that to happen. Now im not 100 percent innocent either, ive slapped, kicked and shoved him aswell in fights but not near enough the amount of times he has.

Now im a pretty tough girl, i usually fight back as i grew up with a brother who used to give me alot of sh**. However it got to the point i asked my boyfriend to go get some help managing his anger because he cant keep doing this to me, i feel too disrespected like he just doesnt care for me at all. He agreed and went to go get some help. Things were good for months after his therapy. He was alot calmer, less emotional rage.

Tonight was a bad night though. It all started out with my boyfriend saying he didnt want me to message a certain male friend of mine because he really does not like him. The reason he doesnt like him is because he believes my friend has not been the best of friend to me and it annoys my bf that im still talking to the friend. I will admit the friend has his downfalls but his still okay to talk too. It makes my bf think that im pathetic. My bf got mad about it and grabbed my phone and blocked this friend of mine and then msged the friend from his phone telling him to never contact me again otherwise he will come after him. I dont like how my boyfriend controlled this situation but i guess i can understand his concern.

We started fighting and he said i was pathetic for still talking to him. We faught some more and he said if we ever broke up he would throw me out and throw my stuff of the balcony. Mind you, we split all bills and rent so i believe its completely unfair that my bf thinks he can do this.

I got pretty upset about this and went into the other room. I started thinking about it and it made me feel like he just doesnt care.(When my boyfriend gets mad he gets very cold pretty much everything he feels for you seems like it is gone). The more i thought about it the madder i got. I wanted to show him how it felt (immature i know) so i went to grab his keyboard to throw it out the window. He stopped me before i even touched it and grabbed me very aggressively and pushed me into the room then pushed me down on the bed and said stay in there you crazy bitch. He did it so aggressively i was scared i seriously thought this was it his going to beat me. My adrenaline was pumping thankfully he didnt he just walked out after he said that and i had a panic attack because i was so worked up. I was shaking alot and crying. He stood there and watched me. His very cold. I dont like that he becomes so emotionless and cold when we fight. When i cry he is pretty much numb to it. I try not to cry snd rather talk abou it but this time i was seriously scared so i had a panic attack which made me cry.

I just dont know. Is this normal? When we dont fight we are perfect. I wish he was more caring and less cold like the fact he said he would throw all my stuff of the balcony like i mean nothing to him really hurt me. It worries me.
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#1

Postby unknowwn » Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:27 pm

Also ill add that when i say we might need to break up he is very cold about it usually just says 'okay'. When he used to hurt me he would feel hurt, and be extremly sorry. I could feel the regret and how hurt he was that i was hurt. Now when he hurts me his just cold about it and just says 'sorry' then moves on but it feels like it has no meaning to it anymore. Why is that.
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#2

Postby Candid » Tue Mar 13, 2018 5:58 pm

He sounds like a real prize. What makes you think you can't do better?
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#3

Postby unknowwn » Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:34 pm

Its not that i dont think i can do better, i know i probably could its just that im very attached and close to him. Not that im dependent but he holds a special place in my heart. He is my first realb relationship and theres so many things ive opened up to him about. We have so many good times. Its hard to let go. I know that if i broke up with him that would be it, no chance of going back. Id be pretty much dead to him. That hurts.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 13, 2018 10:40 pm

unknowwn wrote:
Now im a pretty tough girl...

I know that if i broke up with him that would be it, no chance of going back. Id be pretty much dead to him. That hurts.


You’re not tough...and you don’t need to be...

I responded to tons of domestic violence relationships with this exact same cycle. There is the honeymoon phase where everything is “perfect”, then the tension building phase, then the explosive violence and anger, then the “boohoo” I’m sorry and won’t ever do it again sweetie phase that then cycles back to a honeymoon.

I would respond time and again to these women and they all would try their best to say, “I’m tough.”

Not a single one of them was actually tough, quite the opposite. They were weak both emotionally and physically. Compared to a young testosterone filled man they were physically no match and mentally, they were just trying to mask their low self esteem as the tears flowed. It hurt to think of leaving, because they didn’t want to feel rejected, unwanted, unworthy, or not good enough.

I saw some really beautiful, intelligent women in these relationships, but they had just rock bottom self esteem. They wanted to be accepted so badly, they would blame themselves for his anger.

Tonight was a bad night though. It all started out with my boyfriend saying he didnt want me to message a certain male friend of mine because he really does not like him. The reason he doesnt like him is because he believes my friend has not been the best of friend to me and it annoys my bf that im still talking to the friend. I will admit the friend has his downfalls but his still okay to talk too. It makes my bf think that im pathetic. My bf got mad about it and grabbed my phone and blocked this friend of mine and then msged the friend from his phone telling him to never contact me again otherwise he will come after him. I dont like how my boyfriend controlled this situation but i guess i can understand his concern.


You can understand his concern? WTF!?

This is exactly my point. You rationalize his abuse and his control over you as your fault and minimize it as legitimate concern!!!

If anyone ever grabbed my phone and blocked someone and said not to contact them? Are you kidding me? My response would be immediate, dominate, explosive and terminal, meaning the relationship would be over that very moment. That person who dared disrespect me in such a manner would get an immediate attitude adjustment, but it wouldn’t be for me or the relationship, it would be so that maybe they would think twice about disrespecting another person in a future relationship.

But heck, who am I kidding? I would never have gotten to a point in a relationship where a person felt comfortable disrespecting and trying to control me. It would have ended well before grabbing my phone.

I realize you are not capable of the the appropriate response, because you are afraid and have low self esteem.

You want honest advice and honest advice is not always easy to hear. You need to get out of the relationship and then work on building your self respect. You are allowing another person to disrespect you repeatedly, because you don’t yet have enough respect for yourself.
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#5

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:09 am

Does it change anything if i admit that this is partly my fault aswell. He started by expressing that he didnt approve in a calm way. My boyfriend is never normally controlling. He usually lets me do whatever i want. In this situation however, it was differe nt. So yes, he explained that i shouldnt be talking to said friend because his a bad friend (this is true, he is a bad friend) and that I'm pathetic for still talking to someone who has been a bad friend to me. He said he wants to see me drop the friend. I know 100 percent that his right. The friend is indeed a bad friend. I never really wanted to talk to the friend, actually im glad his been blocked from my phone and my partner told him to stay away. The only reaaon i continued to talk to the 'friend' was to see how angry my boyfriend would get. I knew what i was doing ultimately i pushed his buttons. I can see that my boyfriend wants me to have good people in my life and i know it hurts him when i keep talking to people that have wronged me. Butt the other part of me says that im an adult and i talk to who i want i make my own decisions. I dont know, does my boyfriend have the right to interfere if im talking to someone who is toxic and we both know it. Its not like this is a valued friend.
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#6

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:11 am

Dispite this i know he never had the right to put his hands on me no matter how angry he was.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:44 am

unknowwn wrote: he explained that ...I'm pathetic... I know 100 percent that his right.


When you eventually break with this boyfriend that “helps” you by calling you pathetic, what will happen with the next boyfriend and the next boyfriend? They will each control you in order to “help” you stay away from toxic people and your then toxic ex-boyfriends?

It is like you can’t or don’t want to see that your boyfriend is toxic as well. You rationalize your current boyfriends toxic abuse as “help”.

...the other part of me says that im an adult and i talk to who i want i make my own decisions.


This is the part you struggle with as you don’t have any respect for yourself. How can you make adult decisions if you think of yourself as pathetic and have no respect for yourself? And why should you have respect, given you are in a toxic, abusive, controlling relationship that is textbook with the perfect honeymoon cycles and all? It makes it difficult for you to do anything but rationalize and justify the absolute lack of respect this other person you call “boyfriend” has for you. You are a lesser human being in the eyes of this “boyfriend” as he must be your parent and you the pathetic child. That is a toxic relationship.

Hopefully you will not get physically injured in severity beyond what has already occurred. You will definitely suffer more toxic, verbal abuse and controlling behavior. You have just given him license to do so. He controlled you this time, he is your parent telling you what privileges you have this week. You got angry, but now you are saying he is correct. So what message does that send to him? What...tell me what message you just broadcast to him!?!? You just demonstrated that while you might get a bit pissy, that at the end of the day he has the right to control you.
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#8

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:53 am

I dont want to show him that he has the right to control me yet at the same time i dont necessarily want to leave him. Is there a way i can make this stop, show him he cant do this rather than breaking up with him. Im not saying the way he acted was correct, it was very wrong. However im not innocent.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 14, 2018 1:27 am

unknowwn wrote:I dont want to show him that he has the right to control me

Too late

yet at the same time i dont necessarily want to leave him.


Right. Why would you want to leave a toxic abusive relationship? Instead, you think you can stop the abuse, fix the abuse, etc. etc. After all, during the honeymoon periods it is “perfect.”

Is there a way i can make this stop, show him he cant do this rather than breaking up with him.


I could make it stop. I could make it stop in 30 seconds. But you...you are not me, You don’t have the capability, because to make it stop requires a certain level of respect for yourself which you don’t currently have.

So no. You are in a bind, because you are not currently capable. He is dominate, he doesn’t respect you, you don’t respect yourself, so you can’t “show him” anything. You are the employee and he is the boss. He is in charge and when you get angry and act tough it annoys him, but all it does is create tension (post honeymoon phase) until he once again explodes.

Im not saying the way he acted was correct, it was very wrong. However im not innocent.


Again, classic denial of the abused person. There is the honeymoon phase that comes after he blows up and abuses you physically or mentally. During the honeymoon all is perfect. Then is the tension building phase. This is where you get pissy or do things that are “not innocent.” He tries to quell or control his anger. Then, when the tension is at a high point he breaks and explodes, controlling you and abusing you. YOU lacking respect for yourself look back during the tension building phase and find something you did so as to say, “I’m not innocent,” I am partially to blame for him choking me, grabbing my jaw, or controlling my phone.

Wake UP!!! Before you get seriously hurt.

Seriously, call a domestic abuse hotline. Talk to experts about the cycle of domestic abuse. What you describe is textbook. They might be able to help you better than strangers in an anonymous forum.
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#10

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:10 am

The abuse cycle you speak of.. i researched into it and dont think it fully matches what im experiencing. Ill tell you why

1. Tension cycle- it says the victim is afraid of the abuser and needs to placate them. Generally im not afraid of him, most times i actually fight back.

2. Incident- the anger, abuse and intimidation. Yes this happens.

3. Reconcilliation- it says the abuser will blame, give excuses etc after the incident. He never blames me, he never says its my fault, never denies it, or diminishes it.

4. Calm- the incident is never forgotten and i hold it to him for awhile.

This isnt really a recourring thing. He hasnt had an epiosode like this one in a long long time. He had issues with controlling his anger in thr past and seeked help for that through therapy. It helped loads. He was alot calmer and controlled. He was good for months until last night happened. It was like a flash back from the past. Ita not like this happens every time we fight and believe me we have alot of fights. Most of our fights are quite calm actually and he listens to me.

Thats why im unsure if this was just a weak moment that he regrets where he let his anger control him.. i know ive definitely had my moments where my anger controlled me and i threw stuff at him and went to smash him on the gead with a pan. I think id be more willing to leave if this was a more significant and common occurance.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:40 am

unknowwn wrote:but he has pushed, shoved, kicked, grabbed me by the throat, bitten, pinned me down and grabbed me by the jaw all on seperate occasions. I dont think he would ever 'hit' me but honesty im not 100 percent confident it would never escalate to that.


unknowwn wrote: I think id be more willing to leave if this was a more significant and common occurance.


All on separate occasions, not including the phone issue over 2.5 years, that’s at least 9 incidents. And that’s not frequent in your mind? Of course not. Why would it be. Sounds like a wonderful, healthy, non-toxic relationship that isn’t abuse at all. Just a misunderstanding every now and again.

I wonder, how frequently did your dad abuse your mom? Or did they split because of abuse? Because somewhere you have the idea 9 times in 2.5 years isn’t frequent enough.

And you’re only in your early 20’s. Awesome. So 50 years more together, right? After all, it’s perfect mostly. Only 180 more throat grabs to go. And if you have kids, certainly they can expect at least a few knocks here and there. Wonderful, just wonderful. I mean, I can see now why you would want to stay, given you only are looking at 180 more incidents.

Look, you have your mind made up. I’ve seen it no less than 100 times. Nobody can say anything that you won’t explain away. Enjoy your next beating, slapping, kicking, or whatever abuse. You have your excuses, you have your justifications all set, so all I can do is wish you luck and tell you to try your best to duck.
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#12

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:10 am

Im just stating am i any better when i have kicked, pushed and slapped him aswell? Ive broken his things, ive gone to hit him on thr head with a saucepan. Am i any better?
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:20 am

No. Which is why you shouldn’t be involved in the relationship. The relationship needs to end, because it is a toxic, abusive, unhealthy relationship. It makes absolutely, positively no difference that it is two way toxic, two way abuse.

If you follow your logic then if he cheats on you, then you cheat on him and then it is all good, right!? After all, now you’ve both messed up. Makes perfect sense.
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#14

Postby unknowwn » Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:12 am

Seems we both need help ive decided we should go to therapy together to work through our issues. We both love eachother and we both have issues. I dont think im ready to give up yet. If this fails, i can walk away knowing i gave it my all and i tried. Who knows, maybe we can learn to live a healthier life together.
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