Is it time to leave my relationship?

#15

Postby Candid » Wed Mar 14, 2018 9:16 am

unknowwn wrote:ive decided we should go to therapy together to work through our issues.


He can't be expected to treat me like an adult when I'm such a bad, pathetic person.

[quote[We both love eachother and we both have issues. [/quote]

I'm so pathetic and messed up, it would be remiss of him if he didn't punish me occasionally.

I dont think im ready to give up yet.


He hasn't put me in hospital yet.

If this fails, i can walk away knowing i gave it my all and i tried.


Then I'll find someone else strong enough to whip me into shape.

Who knows, maybe we can learn to live a healthier life together.


Richard knows and I know because we've both worked with lots of women who tell exactly your story. The dynamic is set in place: you sense his anger building up and you do or say something to provoke him, so it doesn't get too bad. He hits you or yells at you or cuts off one of your contacts to show you who's boss. You hang your head and say you're sorry you provoked him. The two of you have great make-up sex and you think everything's going to be okay. You rationalise his controlling behaviour; after all, you deliberately provoked him.

You won't believe what Richard says or what I say because you're determined to work the unworkable, not to be just another DV statistic who eventually had to cut and run. You're going to be the woman who tamed a wild man. Good for you.
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#16

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 14, 2018 10:27 am

unknowwn wrote: I dont think im ready to give up yet.


Which is exactly why your thread was full of c@#$ from the start.

You phrased the thread as a question, “Is it time to leave...?”

But that was bull. You had already made up your mind that no matter what advice was provided, you were going to stay with him. There was nothing anyone could say that could possibly convince you to leave, so you asking for advice regarding the topic was disingenuous to say the least.

You clearly should leave, but you had all your excuses and justifications prepared. And so you don’t realize it, but this thread has just done you more harm than anything. You took the position of defending your boyfriends actions and staying with him at every turn. That further reinforces to you that you need to stay.

Truly unfortunate.

Well, best of luck to you.
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#17

Postby Bagobones » Wed Mar 14, 2018 11:22 am

I have also worked with domestic abuse and violence. Over 5 years of experience with listening to women like you, explaining their fantastic big lovestory, and explaining why really it was also their fault that he just had to give them a black eye. Also worked with violent, criminal men and women from all walks of life.
I am just going to write this once. You are so very textbook classic abuse story that its almost ironic. Internationally classic text book abuse story. I have literally heard excactly your story 100s of times. My guess is that this will escalate. This is in the begining. Richard has explained to you why, so I am not going to repeat what he said...
Good luck to you and the very toxic surroundings you keep clinging to. Hope you survive. I have known women like you that did not survive. You dont deserve this. You deserve love.

I am also a guy that has been in the army in a very manly unit, and I have done martial arts for a long time. Full contact fighting. And I am mentaly stable. Exactly what scares men like this the most, I have learned over the years.

These men are tough for 3 minutes after they meet me, but not very tough after those 3 minutes, when their scare tactics dont work. When their lying and blaming the world comes up short.
When all their weapons of domination, manipulation, violence, isolation of their victim, and blaming others are stripped away from them, its usually very immature, scared boys left.
Was that the type of man you dreamed about being with? A scared boy who takes his anger and frustrations out on the weak? A man that hurts women?

And you cant help him no matter how much you try and want. This guy needs a professional to help him. Its nothing you can do for him. You are standing in the way for him getting the help he needs. Its brutal to say, but its the truth.

Yes you both need to go seek help, but not thougheter.

Good luck to you! I really mean that. And I hope you get to experience real love in a respectful, beautiful, loving relationship. Its a beautiful thing.
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#18

Postby quietvoice » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:59 pm

unknowwn wrote:I think ive been putting off posting this for awhile as im worried what the outcome will be.

The outcome being that you'd year the advice that it is wise to leave the relationship.

unknowwn wrote:I cant really talk to people in my life about this because i just dont want them to know.

The people in your life are likely to tell you that you should leave the relationship.

unknowwn wrote:I need serious advice because i dont know what to do.

You do know what you should do. You should leave the relationship.

unknowwn wrote:This might be a long post so buckle in. 100 percent honest because i need serious advice.

100 percent honesty . . .

unknowwn wrote:Ill start off by saying that i deeply love my boyfriend, he has helped me grow in alot of ways. His always been there for me, he usually makes me very happy and we have fun together. Weve been together for 2.5 years, we now live together aswell. Both in early 20s.

Okay.

unknowwn wrote:Despite all this, we do have some very rough times and i dont know what to do. He has been physical with me multiple times.

100 percent honesty requires the recognition of the fact that the initiation of force upon another human being makes for bad relationships. Get out of there.

unknowwn wrote: [ Etc., with examples. ]


*

You should leave the relationship.

unknowwn wrote:I just dont know. Is this normal? When we dont fight we are perfect.

"When we don't fight"?

unknowwn wrote:I wish he was more caring and less cold like the fact he said he would throw all my stuff of the balcony like i mean nothing to him really hurt me. It worries me.

It worries you that you'll have to have some respect for yourself and get the heck out of the relationship; now. If you stay, you have nothing to complain about, as you'll be making your choice to take what comes with that relationship. You can't help (change) him; you can only help (change) yourself—that's an unchanging rule about human beings and change.

Are you staying or going?
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#19

Postby quietvoice » Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:43 pm

unknowwn wrote:Ill start off by saying that i deeply love my boyfriend, . . .

What's Love Got To Do With It?
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#20

Postby essexgirl68 » Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:42 pm

Contact womens aid. You are living in a dangerous abusive relationship which isnt going to get better. Go to a safe house and start living your life for yourself. You deserve better.
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#21

Postby Marriedinbenton » Wed May 23, 2018 2:33 pm

If he has put hands on you numerous times u should leave him
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