Should I marry any girl?

Postby Hamming » Fri Mar 16, 2018 8:08 pm

From time to time people ask why I do not marry, or at least why dont I get a girl when I am about 30.

You know me from my posts a bit. So you can tell me - if guy like should marry, or first I should fix my problems and get better girl?

Even if I fix my problems, I might not find a girl which I want to marry. So thats the question. Is being single so bad? From what they talk, its like you are totally worse, but you marry you magically will become better.

Maybe you will maybe you will not get better version of yourself after marriage.

But should it not be because I want to marry, not because others are pushing me? Yesterday one old guy who was repairing my flat was telling I should should marry. He said he has 2 brohers about 60 years old still searching for girl to marry. And he said they are stupid. As I understood he meant you become stupid over time if you do not marry. Is this for real or does he not know what he is talking about?

I for sure know people who get stupid during the marriage because of disrespect for example. Some even kill themselves while being in marriage. So that shows that it can be so difficult in marriage.

When I was kid, I did not notice that many problems of couples, it looked everything nice - hugs, kisses, sex. Now it looks that those things are just small part of couple relationship.

I feel no stress when at my home nobody is yelling at me, nobody is cheating on me, nobody is spending my hard earned money, nobody is telling that playing computer games is bad etc.

I of course do not want to get more stupid when I got older. Even better would be that I get more smart and succesful and woman want me but they cannot get me :)

So in short:
- should I marry if I do not feel like, just because everyone needs marriage?
- will I become more stupid because of not living together with woman?
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#1

Postby laureat » Fri Mar 16, 2018 9:24 pm

the problem with women is because they come with expectations from you, and that can cause problems if you are not aware
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Mar 17, 2018 1:03 am

Hamming wrote:
So in short:
- should I marry if I do not feel like, just because everyone needs marriage?


Marriage? Whoah, you are way ahead of yourself.

It is like asking if you should drive your Ferrari or a Lamborghini to France or Paris, but you don’t even have a job yet! Wouldn’t that be a ridiculous question? You don’t even have a job, but your asking about which car you should drive to which country when it is not even a remote possibility.

Why don’t you ask whether or not you should ever get heart surgery? It has about the same logic.

From your previous posts it sounds like you don’t have much experience with intimate relationships. In other words, it doesn’t sound like you have ever had a serious girlfriend or a long term romantic relationship. You have so many steps to go before you need to even consider the possibility of marriage.

A decision to get a girl? Now that’s a reasonable question. The answer is simple. No. You don’t pursue getting a girl, because you don’t want to. It’s your life. If you even have to ask the question, “Should I,” then it is a clear sign you don’t want a relationship with a girl.

And based on your concerns over trivial issues like hats, radio stations, and ford fiestas, I think you are better off just staying happy and single. If you happen to meet a nice girl that has similar interests in hats then let the relationship develop naturally. Don’t try to force yourself to find a girl if you don’t feel like it.

As for being made more stupid by living with a woman. I wouldn’t concern yourself with that. If you happen to get a girl in your life and end up living together, you need not worry that she will make you...in your words, “more stupid”.
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#3

Postby Hamming » Sat Mar 17, 2018 7:48 am

Oh, at least some people say that I should not do it :) ok, on the internet I can find ton of material for reasons not to marry.

It is like asking if you should drive your Ferrari or a Lamborghini to France or Paris, but you don’t even have a job yet!


So if somebody tells me to marry, I should tell them back example like this? I think then my friend would say I am devaluing myself too much. Even losers get some woman he probably thinks.

You don’t pursue getting a girl, because you don’t want to. It’s your life. If you even have to ask the question, “Should I,” then it is a clear sign you don’t want a relationship with a girl.


I am worrying about my future. I am worrying not only about hats ;) what if there is something wrong for my future if I do not live with woman? Like if I was kid and I would ask - should I study. And probably most of people would say of course yes, otherwise your future will be hard and low pay job. Maybe kid might not understand when he is too small.

For example my sister says - see how our parents are happy when we visit them? Will I be unhappy because I don't have children when I am old? I am worrying about this. Now I am really happy that I do not have children, I see other people having them, they make so many problems.

And based on your concerns over trivial issues like hats, radio stations, and ford fiestas, I think you are better off just staying happy and single. If you happen to meet a nice girl that has similar interests in hats then let the relationship develop naturally. Don’t try to force yourself to find a girl if you don’t feel like it.


Interesting.

As for being made more stupid by living with a woman. I wouldn’t concern yourself with that. If you happen to get a girl in your life and end up living together, you need not worry that she will make you...in your words, “more stupid”.

why? you mean I am so stupid that it is not possible to be more stupid ? :D

And if I do not live with girl during my life, don't you think I will become more stupid because of this?

But yea, thoughts are interesting. How should I explain to other people in a cool way? Now they think I am less worth because I am not having woman. Or even worse, some think I might be gay. Some of my friends make jokes about me finding a guy.

Btw I have girld friend who I can talk about anything - hats, radio stations and whatever :) but she cannot be my woman, because she is taken first of all. Plus if she was my wife, I see how she talks with her boyfriend and that means she would talk with me same way and I would not like her then. But I would not be surprised if she would like to have sex with me, they allow each other to "cheat".
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#4

Postby Candid » Sat Mar 17, 2018 9:02 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:As for being made more stupid by living with a woman. I wouldn’t concern yourself with that. If you happen to get a girl in your life and end up living together, you need not worry that she will make you...in your words, “more stupid”.


Hamming wrote:why? you mean I am so stupid that it is not possible to be more stupid ? :D


There's no fooling you, is there, Hamming? :P

Btw I have girld friend who I can talk about anything - hats, radio stations and whatever :) but she cannot be my woman, because she is taken ... But I would not be surprised if she would like to have sex with me, they allow each other to "cheat".


Can't wait to see how this unfolds.
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#5

Postby Hamming » Sat Mar 17, 2018 11:37 am

There's no fooling you, is there, Hamming? :P


I try to use what is left from my brain :)

Can't wait to see how this unfolds.

:D
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#6

Postby Livetowin » Sat Mar 17, 2018 12:04 pm

You've answered all of your own questions. Whats missing is why you doubt yourself. I think part of the problem is the way you define what you don't desire. You don't have very convincing arguments to make against marriage because you've never been in a marriage. You can only speak to the fact you do not like the prospect of sharing space with another person under the title of matrimony, but that's where it ends.

No two relationships are the same so shelf life is completely based on the strength of identity between the two people in that union. What you point to as faults in marriage are actually faults in the individual. If a person is willing to kill themselves over a failed marriage, they would likely kill themselves over something else they poured their entire identity into, like possessions or public acclaim. That's low self esteem and zero identity in play, not marriage.

Marriage is not for everyone and anyone who says you can't be defined without it is sitting on their own ticking time-bomb. But it's not because they're married. It's because they got married for reasons that are transient. I've been married over 25 years now. When I was in my early 20's I thought I would never be married. I enjoyed my life and didn't want to compromise with people at that stage. I was right to think that way. Later I met someone whom I wanted to spend all my time with. When we got married, it was really a technicality. We knew who we were together (and as individuals). We liked (and still like) who we are as individuals. But we also love our time together. We compliment one another and that's why we are together.

Do we have disagreements? Of course! Are there days when I need space to manage matters on my own just like her? Absolutely! Those are not cracks in the union. That is a case of two people respecting space in a marriage and allowing the individual to express themselves when the moment requires it. People who make an argument for a perfect race in a marriage are the same people who think because you go to church you never "sin". Give me a break. We're human! We're fallible! We make mistakes. And anyone who thinks marriage is a fix for deficits in their life will find out that is poor wisdom to follow, like any other myth in society. But again, that is not the fault of marriage. That's an individual not looking at life from a position of accountability.

If you have no desire to be married or even date then you are exactly where you need to be. There's nothing wrong with that and there's nothing to question in that. I was immensely happy as a single person and watched many of my friends marry out of loneliness or because the "clock was ticking" at some predetermined cut off of like 25...LOL! They are now the loneliest people in the world because they got married for insecurities, not because they found a good partner. But THAT is what broke them. I was very happy single and I'm very happy married. Finding the partner that communicates and desires to be with me in my pursuits as I do with her is why that works. The marriage label is a simple footnote, but never the reason. If you ever need the label of marriage to service something, then you've started digging a deep hole you will soon find yourself in, like any pursuit done for the wrong reasons.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Mar 17, 2018 12:44 pm

Hamming wrote:So if somebody tells me to marry, I should tell them back example like this?


No. You don’t need to tell them anything. All of your worries about happiness revolve around what other people think of you. Stop trying to please other people.
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#8

Postby Hamming » Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:39 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote:So if somebody tells me to marry, I should tell them back example like this?


No. You don’t need to tell them anything. All of your worries about happiness revolve around what other people think of you. Stop trying to please other people.


ok. That makes sense. But one friend said that I am egoist, when I said I don't live for other people, I live for myself. It sounds like manipulation - to make me want to live for others and not care about my happiness. So I should probably not care if I am egoist but just enjoy having this privilege.

But even if I do not please them, it still sounds from their tone and words like it will be very bad for me in future if I do not find woman, which makes me worried.

You don't have very convincing arguments to make against marriage because you've never been in a marriage.

Oh, come on, its enough to hear other stories and even see parents story, sister story.

I was immensely happy as a single person and watched many of my friends marry out of loneliness or because the "clock was ticking" at some predetermined cut off of like 25...LOL! They are now the loneliest people in the world because they got married for insecurities, not because they found a good partner.


interesting.
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#9

Postby Candid » Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:45 pm

Hamming wrote:But one friend said that I am egoist...


The point is to stop worrying about what other people think.

it still sounds from their tone and words like it will be very bad for me in future if I do not find woman, which makes me worried.


You give these Other People too much credit. What makes you think they know more than you do?
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#10

Postby Livetowin » Sat Mar 17, 2018 5:18 pm

Hamming wrote:Oh, come on, its enough to hear other stories and even see parents story, sister story.


What is enough? The anecdotes of a relationship when there are problems? How does that apply to you and your choices in life? Answer: It doesn't. If those are reasons for you to stay away then more power to you. But those are your reasons, not any basis in fact for everyone who engages in marriage.

There's a difference between looking for personal clarity versus being argumentative because you're feeling uncomfortable with your choices in life. If you let what others say about your choices bother you, then you've given merit to their comments, thus letting them define you. If the concept of marriage feels like a bad idea for you, then that's all the reason you need. How it works for others is completely immaterial at that point.

Enjoy your life and your decisions and quit pointing fingers at others who choose different paths. One size does not fit all.
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#11

Postby Hamming » Sun Mar 18, 2018 7:35 am

You give these Other People too much credit. What makes you think they know more than you do?


maybe the young people do not know more. but older peolple know because of experience.
plus maybe if that was normal for ages to marry for everyone, it is just "logical" thing and there is no questions if this is right thing.

yesterday again my friend said I should get a woman, because I will be "old bachelor" if I translated well.

Maybe it is bad because I will have to listen others telling it is bad to not have woman? :D It is annoying actually explain why do not you marry, are you not gay and so on.

The anecdotes of a relationship when there are problems? How does that apply to you and your choices in life?

I do not care about anectodes. I see real examples, like woman yelling at man because he wants to move the table to other place. And most likely he is paying the rent for the flat where that table is.
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#12

Postby Candid » Sun Mar 18, 2018 8:12 am

Hamming wrote:yesterday again my friend said I should get a woman, because I will be "old bachelor" if I translated well.


Is he married, and is he the epitome of contentment? What makes him the expert in your life?

It is annoying actually explain why do not you marry, are you not gay and so on.


You don't need to explain anything. You certainly don't need to be in a relationship unless and until you feel an irresistible urge.

Richard was quite right when he said you're coming at this from the wrong angle. Aim to make yourself happy first, and the rest will fall into place.
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#13

Postby Hamming » Tue May 15, 2018 5:38 pm

Is he married, and is he the epitome of contentment? What makes him the expert in your life?


yes he is married. Married a beutiful woman, but I could not live with her happy, unless I accept that she is right always in her actions, tone and sayings and I am wrong :)

He might be not expert, but maybe uses common sense? I do not know. WHen most of poeple do it, maybe it is not wrong to marry even if you do not find best fit, but marry the one you can get.
Otherwise lot of people is making mistakes.

You don't need to explain anything. You certainly don't need to be in a relationship unless and until you feel an irresistible urge.


But then I will not be cool, and will be gay in their eyes. I want to be cool.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue May 15, 2018 6:06 pm

Hamming wrote:But then I will not be cool, and will be gay in their eyes. I want to be cool.


Oh, well then you definitely should get married as that proves to others you are cool and not gay :roll: :roll: :roll:

And don’t worry that over 50% of marriages end in divorce and many people in marriages are miserable...because that must be cool too.

Now, in order to find a suitable wife you need to find a woman that also just wants to marry so as to look cool and doesn’t want to be accused of being a lesbian or a spinster. And make sure she wants to have children to look cool, because all the other women are having babies. That is a great question you can ask, to see if she is jealous of other women that have children. If she is not jealous of other women, don’t date her.
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