Should I Pickup and Just LEAVE....

Postby DanaNJ » Mon Mar 26, 2018 2:31 am

I have a 19-year-old son who's in college works odd part-time jobs here and there, but currently unemployed. Whose only interest in life is to be on his computer every possible second of the day. Hygiene is poor, showers only once I've nagged him about it a thousand times. Has "0" social skills unless he's chatting it up on his headset with his friends playing video games online (who I assume are hermits just as he is).

I'm in a 6 1/2 year relationship with a man whom I love and care for deeply and who loves me too. However, he's had a series of medical issues that have seriously affected our intimacy. He had spinal surgery 3 years ago and now knee surgery. The last time we were intimate was approximately 5 years ago. He's also addicted to painkillers, thanks to one of his first prescribing physicians who made them available to him just as easy as skittles. Thankfully, he's since then seen a more appropriate pain management doctor that's trying to keep him in line with his meds, however, my partner has other ways of obtaining the drug.

I'm an experienced professional in the I.T. industry who's now been unemployed since June 2017. I've worked in this field for almost 16 years and have been stuck at the same level. I've worked at a few great places however, I've had the misfortune of coming across teams that promote males instead of females even though in several occasions, I was way more qualified for the positions that were available. The only place where I can say this was not an issue was my last job. It was a wonderful place to work at and seemed like the sky was the limit, and then one day, we were informed our division was being entirely outsourced to India. I'm still trying to recover from this blow, both emotionally and financially.

I moved to NJ from NY in 2010 and purchased a home with two family units. I rented one out to help with the mortgage. The plan was to save money while paying the home off and eventually purchase another one and rent the current one I"m in out entirely and slowing one day, be able to keep buying other homes if I followed the same steps. THAT WAS THE PLAN! My home is located in a flood zone, prior to buying the home I researched and inquired with FEMA regarding the flood history on the home (if any). Received a report that no floods had ever been reported. Two weeks after the purchase of the home, I received an updated report from FEMA notifying me that indeed the property indeed had a flood history. The very next year the home was flooded during Hurricane Irene. The entire basement and external car garage were flooded, floor to ceiling. What a joke! The home was flooded yet again during Hurricane Sandy. I couldn't believe my luck. Between the floods, job hopping and the stress of it all, I began falling behind in payments. Eventually, I had the property assessed and it wasn’t even worth a 1/4 of what I borrowed to pay for it. Filed for Bankruptcy in 2014, and I’m still trying to come out of it. The home is now in foreclosure and awaiting the final day of the sale so I can move on from this disaster of a home.

For about 2-3 years now, I’ve had this persistent daydream of just packing my bags and leaving everyone behind and starting over in some remote part of the country. Oh, did I forget to mention that I have 4 pitfalls as well that require my attention just as much as toddlers do since no one else in the home cares about them as much as I do. Let us just say, If I don’t refresh their water bowls, they’d die of thirst. I can’t trust any of them to care for them as they need to be cared for. This daydream that remains…that doesn’t leave me is becoming more like a force that keeps pulling and tugging at me. I don’t know if I should give it any seriousness or if it’s just my mind desperately seeking an escape.

Just this past week I decided to explore the idea of how I would go about it. I just don’t see how…I have so many physical bonds to NJ. I own a business, this home is not yet resolved, there are financial ties between my partner and I. And this is how far I get before the cloud of this dream fades into a mist before me….sooooo LOST. :?
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:17 am

Leaving won't do much.

If a person tries to bake a cake when they don't know how, the kitchen ends up a mess and the cake burnt. Just leaving the kitchen a disaster and running away to a new kitchen won't change the fact that you still don't know how to bake a cake. So while running away might allow you to feel all relaxed in a new kitchen at the very beginning, it will just be a matter of time before it's all a mess again and you are staring at more burnt cakes.

You need to learn how to bake a cake and clean up your kitchen.

This means making some tough choices. It means practicing how to say no, how to establish expectations and enforce rules, etc.

Note, I'm sure you have some great skills in this area. I'm sure you are not starting from scratch. I'm just saying your kitchen didn't get to be in such a mess overnight. You have some sort of chronic issue with setting and achieving goals, or with managing conflict, etc. I'm sure you know better than anyone the skills you need to strengthen.

Because of your background in IT, maybe you need to conceptualize cleaning up your kitchen similar to addressing an IT project. What are the bugs? Can you beta test some things? I'm sure there is a system for continuous project improvement, for identifying vulnerabilities and developing patches and upgrades. Obviously I don't know much about IT, but there most certainly is a process you can model.
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Postby DanaNJ » Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:24 am

Thank you Richard, that would most certainly be an approach I could take. I will think on this a bit and see if I can formulate a plan on paper to at least organize my thoughts, reassess what my goals are and prioritize. Hopefully, I can map out a path to fixing and getting out of this stressful situation. I appreciate your response.
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Postby Livetowin » Mon Mar 26, 2018 4:01 am

First let me say I have tremendous sympathy for your circumstances. Sometimes Life has a special way of making you feel like you're standing in the virtual flush hole while the Almighty keeps cranking the handle. Feeling like saying, " F*ck it!" is a natural reaction to the long run of bad news. But running is not what you need. That would be a bad decision and that's one list you need to reduce here.

I have two rules in life - I only control myself and i never let others define me. So if I'm using that premise to place myself in your shoes, my first goal would be to evaluate and control myself. Running away is not being in control. That's losing control. You need to sit down and identify where all the drag is coming from in your life and start reducing that load.

Let's start with you home situation. You said you filed for bankruptcy a few years back and you're getting ready to come out of that. Now the home is in foreclosure. Is the foreclosure a new event or is that under the umbrella of the bankruptcy you filed and this is just the process you're weathering to get through that? When it comes to planning, I think its vital that you know what your financial options are moving forward. So you need to see that process through to start reclaiming your financial life.

In terms of your "partner", are you referring to a business partner or the man whom you have the 6 year relationship with? If it's business then I would examine the viability of your stated business and how well that is serving your financial stability. Is that paying the bills and does that keep you viable through this transition? I would examine those factors, because when it comes to your financial stability it's best to never mess with a support structure that is keeping the roof over your head until you have a new one to take its place.

With regards to your love interest, that requires an honest conversation with yourself first before you have it with him. One realization I've discovered in Life is you can love someone intensely and for generally good reasons, but that doesn't always mean you can LIVE with them. That's the meaning behind the popular view, "Love is never enough". If you find yourself constantly having to babysit and manage issues he is not taking responsibility for himself, then when does he find time to tend to your needs? Answer: He doesn't. The only question remaining is do you want a relationship where you constantly carry all the weight for the sake of loving him or is his love for you worth something for him to get off his backside? You need to get that answered both for yourself and from him.

Your son's situation is bit more like allot of kids his age. The big question here is whether his college career has a meaningful load (such as a full-time schedule) or is he going part time to appease you with no direction while he dreams of being a "game designer" when he's 30. So I think you need to evaluate where he stands in that bigger picture to determine what is actionable. If he's got a big load with promise for something good to come from it, maybe its best not to rock that boat. But if it's pretty aimless and the effort isn't there, then you have someone spinning their wheels, which means it's time to unplug the virtual world and get him grounded in the real world.

So to conclude, yes you have allot going on. But the remedy is to start getting your control back. Start evaluating each of those areas in your life. Some processes might need to finish out the direction they're going. Others might need a new process initiated. But all of them reside in your hands. Don't run away. Just start taking back control and make it clear anyone going your way needs to start carrying their weight. I have faith you can do it.
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Postby laureat » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:08 am

running away is not always a good idea

as Richard said; you may run away from one kitchen to another but if you still dont know how to bake how is that going to help?

however, sometimes running away may not be a bad idea,

you may not run away from lions and you become their sandwitch,

running away is natural for a good reason

you said: you having no intimacy for years and that could be frustrating, and your son is not taking any forward step,

well i dont know if you have to run away from them but keep it real, tell them what you want and no need to feel sorry, tell your son to move forwards with his life and if you want to brake up from your partner, i think intimacy is a good reason, you have already sacrificed enough for them
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