Is my relationship bad??

Postby crosstrainer75 » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:15 pm

ive been seeing someone for just about 2 years and we have a really good laugh together and the sex is very adventurous and exciting.
I do feel very close to him.
When I explain what he is like I have been told he clearly has aspergers and control issues. He likes to be dominant in the bedroom but isnt at any other time dominant with me.
He is very rigid in his routine and has to do certain things every day - exercise and practice his music or he gets very anxious. He says constantly that he cares and has told me he loves me, in fact he was first to say it but now says that he finds it hard to say. He has made it very clear that we wont ever live together (he needs his space). I have no doubts at all that he is only seeing me - he has only just got a mobile phone and doesnt go anywhere or communicate with anyone to meet them (we met at work).
on the flip side I am usually sociable and love to go out and see people. I like change and dont have routines. I want to be a couple and do more couply type things.I also have a son (9) and he is brilliant with him.
Generally I see him once a week, one night a week. If its my weekend without my son then i go to his and if its my weekend with my son then he will come here and we hang out
I dont know what else to say to begin with, i need discussion really...
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#1

Postby tokeless » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:28 pm

Hi,
I guess you know he can't change a lot of his behaviour because it's related to the aspergers so it's a case of can you accept that longer term? Where do you see the relationship going if it's a night per week and he won't ever live with you? How would this impact on your son? I think you already realise this isn't going to work out longer term so what keeps you there?
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#2

Postby crosstrainer75 » Mon Mar 26, 2018 5:46 pm

The sex and feeling that I have someone and that someone cares.
How do you end something that's essentially really good just because something won't change in the future..
I keep convincing myself that the here and now is more important that what may or may not happen in the future. If I don't think about the future then it's fine
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#3

Postby laureat » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:10 pm

i think everyone has their own believes whats good for themselves,

i just think that your son should not take part of your relationship problems
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#4

Postby Candid » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:12 pm

crosstrainer75 wrote: the here and now is more important that what may or may not happen in the future. If I don't think about the future then it's fine


That sounds like a good policy, to me.

I was in the same situation 15 years ago. We got married. As long as your partner doesn't object to you breaking your own routine, ie. sometimes going out without him and seeing other people, you'll be fine.
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#5

Postby crosstrainer75 » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:44 pm

laureat wrote:i think everyone has their own believes whats good for themselves,

i just think that your son should not take part of your relationship problems


I don't really understand your point here - please can you elaborate?
My son has a relationship with the guy too. Like i said its been 2 years. They spend time together too and play. Why is that wrong? He has no knowledge of any problems or doubts that I'm having...
I introduced them after about 6 months; I was only seeing him once a fortnight when I didn't have my son back then. Now it's weekly and they get to see each other and hang out too...
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#6

Postby crosstrainer75 » Mon Mar 26, 2018 6:51 pm

tokeless wrote:Hi,
I guess you know he can't change a lot of his behaviour because it's related to the aspergers so it's a case of can you accept that longer term? Where do you see the relationship going if it's a night per week and he won't ever live with you? How would this impact on your son? I think you already realise this isn't going to work out longer term so what keeps you there?


Is the not living with my son and I necessarily a bad thing? Could it not be a good thing that I'm not distracted by him all the time and can focus on raising my son solo?
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:26 pm

crosstrainer75 wrote: I want to be a couple and do more couply type things.


Seems like a pretty straightforward issue.

He has said you won’t ever live together. That’s a pretty strong boundary or limit to how far the relationship will ever go. Unless you have some desire to push or change this boundary.

You currently have 1 day a week. Again, that sounds pretty straightforward and clear. It is a good basis to work from.

If you want more couply things:

-1- Determine what that even means.

-2- Then negotiate with him. Build using the established boundaries. If it means 2 days a week, you need to see if he is willing to meet that expectation. If it means meeting each other’s friends have that conversation.
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