Is my relationship over? HELP

Postby fuckeverything » Tue Mar 27, 2018 9:26 am


So I’ve been in an almost perfect relationship with my girlfriend for going on 8 months. We’ve always been perfect for eachother, we instantly clicked and neither of us ever had trouble talking to eachother despite us both having pretty bad anxiety. We’re so close with eachother and I know that she loves me unconditionally. We’re definitely both dependant in eachother and I guess i’m just starting to lose interest in my relationship.

At the beginning we would hang out 24/7, i’d stay at her house for days at a time in the summer. I stay at her house on school nights, even though the drive to school is 30+ mins. I’ve never really gotten bored of her and I still don’t but I know that the honeymoon phase is over and I feel like I’ll never love her as much. She was literally my entire world and now she’s just my girlfriend. I still find her just as beautiful but I don’t look at her the same. I don’t feel anything when we kiss, sex isn’t love anymore it’s just sex. We both have a history of depression and I think that the idea of us not being the same ever again makes me depressed. One thing that really f**ks with my head is that I know leaving her would absolutely f***ing destroy her. She’d fall apart. This isn’t stopping me from breaking up with her but I do genuinely care about her just as much as I ever have. I’m also very close with her family and I don’t want them to dislike me. Honestly I think i’m just not ready to let go of her. I still want her in my life but I also want to be young and stupid. One thing that’s really made her worry in the past is my drug use, I smoke weed almost every day and i’ve used ecstasy a few times. She’s more okay with me doing drugs and whatever now but I know she still doesn’t want me to and I don’t want to hurt her but as I said before I just want to be young and experience life and do stupid sh** while I’m a kid. I want to mess around with other girls too but I don’t have trouble staying loyal and I wouldn’t **** up our relationship over a booty call and I can’t imagine how upset she’d be if I did that to her.

I’m just lost. Don’t know what to do. I still want her in my life but at the same time I don’t knkw if we should break up or not. We always talk about marrying and the puppies we’re going to own and our kids and the house we’re going to live in. I don’t want to give everything up but is it worth it?

Also I know if I broke up with her that i’d go through withdrawals and depression and regret everything but maybe it would be better for me once I got past that point? Idk honestly at this point
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Postby Livetowin » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:10 pm

Being in a "perfect relationship" is a state of mind not a reflection on what is actually happening. You were able to be with someone whom you found attractive that satisfied your emotional needs for a period of time. What has happened is your emotional needs are fulfilled with her, so now you feel inclined to look for that experience somewhere else. There's your trap and another illusion to go with your definition of "perfection".

Insecurities have an interesting way of manifesting themselves in us. We long for certain experiences that we feel will define us in some way if we obtain them. The problem is sometimes we define happiness through the act of possessing something. You see yourself standing next to someone or having something and that makes you feel relevant for having it. The problem with this is your conditioning yourself to possess rather than invest.

If you start chasing after girls as trophies to sit on your emotional shelf of "achievement", then you will slowly realize over time that having them is no longer enough. Same hell, different devil. The "hell" being your state of dissatisfaction and the "devil" being the girl whom you will define by default as the problem. But eventually you'll discover the only consistent player in all that is YOU. And therein lies the actual problem.

You indicate you need to go somewhere else so you can get your "experience". That's an illusion to excuse yourself from hurting her because you know you actually don't have a real reason that makes sense to you right now. The truth is you're actually getting the experience in the here and now. You're just looking at it wrong and asking the wrong questions.

First of all you're not in a perfect relationship. You started going steady with this girl eight months ago. You each filled each others gaps and physically satisfied each other. You probably spent entirely too much time with her feeding off that attention that in the beginning gave you great satisfaction. But like anything that comes easy and often, you got accustom to it and now the novelty of having that attention feels ordinary. The new car smell is gone. So you have the reality of the actual person to deal with, now that you have gotten what you want. That's the wall you've hit.

So now you need to look at the truth of your circumstances. Who is she? What do you actually have in common? Do the two of you agree on most things? Does she share similar points of view on matters that count for you? Is she her own person or just piggybacking on your side of things? Are there things she does you don't like? Has the dreamy love talk about kids scared you? Do you feel she is a person that can get grounded on this topic and be more leveled headed or is she threatened if you declare the topic unrealistic at this stage?

You also need to question yourself. Are you actual relationship material? Are you mature to be dating someone seriously or is getting high and doing as you say, "stupid things", your notion of the next chapter in your life? On the latter, be careful not to romanticize that notion too literal. People go into dumb acts every day that don't come out of them. Life is precious. You're actually not invincible. And making bad choices early in life can pave the way for far more serious consequences later. Catching a buzz is one thing, but experimenting with drugs has real ramifications. Watch yourself and use some common sense. There's no restart button if you top yourself.

So if you want experience, note you're in the middle of it right now. Start asking the real questions and leave the illusions and myths to your childhood. The sooner you start asking the right questions, the fewer problems you will have in your life. And always understand with every decision you make, there are ramifications and consequences. There is no grace period for those in any age group.
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