Does the future look bleak or am I just selfish?

Postby missawyer » Tue Mar 27, 2018 12:43 pm

So - this is a long story to get to where I need to go, but I will try to cut it short.

My partner and I have been together for two years and five months, I really do care about him but we've had trouble in the past - because of his Mum.

Back last year, we moved into a new home and began planning our future, when suddenly his Mum and her partner needed somewhere to live and they were dead set on moving in with us - this was a hotribke thought as we have never really seen eye to eye and all I could see ahead of me was misery. There were ways out that did not involve them having to live with us, and these were all suggested, help from council, I offered for them to stay in my old property for the last month of the tenancy while they found somewhere new... anyway, it all ended up in arguments and turmoil and we didnt speak for almost a year. They did find somewhere to live, eventually we talked again but there were no formal apologies and whatever happened was brushed away under the rug.

However now, it appears that my partners mother and her partner may separate, its not a definite but I live every day on tenterhooks thinking that his Mother will end up living with us. My partner says it would be only for a few weeks - I wont go into detail as I'd end up writinh a dissertation but, I KNOW it wont be a few weeks, it would be indefinitely.
She has no money, no income, no job and though she claims she can get disability benefit she hasnt bothered claiming it (which to me says she can't get it). Her partner is her only source of income, and my partner and I are currently paying off her credit cards. We are young, and we should not feel doomed, but every day I think how miserable my life is and how I feel stuck.

I have told him, if he wants to live with her then that's fin and that I understand he wants to help her, but I moved out of the family home ten years ago and living with an 'in law' is one of my worst nightmares, so I said that until they were sorted out, I couldnt do it and would have to live elsewhere.

We talked compromise, and I. mentioned that if she did move in, we would need to contact our agency to make things official and pay a fee, he told me that we would not make it official, as she would not pass a credit check to live in the property - we just about passed ours and we both have incomes. So, he is happy to risk our security in our home too, as if the agency found out, we would be in breach of contract and lose what we have.

I dont know how I am meant to feel - he tells me that I am the bad guy in all this and I am selfish for how I feel. Which obviously makes me feel terrible, but when I speak to others, they say I have every right to feel this way.

I dont want to leave him, but I have never expirienced such a ball and chain situation in my life. The whole thing sucks!
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Postby Candid » Tue Mar 27, 2018 1:04 pm

There is a long thread about this -- viewtopic.php?t=19810 -- which will show you the desperate situations people get into. Having an in-law live with you when she's old and frail, when you and your partner have raised your children and are in secure accommodation, is one thing. Having her move in when you're still young and not yet established is something quite different.

It appears your partner's mother has never bothered to make proper provision for herself at any stage of her life. She would probably want to start looking for another man to look after her financially. In a nutshell, she's bad news. You would end up the 'parent' of a badly behaved, middle-aged 'teenager'. All of your rights, your privacy and your bank account will continue to be plundered. To hell with that!

I say stick to your guns and tell your partner this is a deal-breaker, that you most emphatically don't want to live with his mother, nor do you intend to continue subsidising her lifestyle by paying her bills. Assuming you can, get a place of your own and tell him you'll still be friends but if he wants his mother along for the ride, you won't wait for ever.

You'll have to say it and mean it, plus carry through on what you tell him. Don't even consider colluding with them to 'hide' her at your place.

You're smart enough to know you're headed for disaster. I'm quite sure you can find a partner who won't put your happiness and financial security at risk because he's too enmeshed with his immature mother.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Mar 27, 2018 4:43 pm

missawyer wrote:I dont want to leave him, but I have never expirienced such a ball and chain situation in my life. The whole thing sucks!

Ultimately relationships are a business contract, not an emotional contract. Marriage first and foremost was historically used to strengthen economic or political agreements.

You have the expectation not to live with his mother. Fair enough. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that expectation.

He has the expectation that his mother, the person that raised him from birth can live with him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that expectation.

The expectation that either of you sacrifice or compromise is untenable. You are in a lose-lose situation. People will have their expectations violated no matter the solution.

Therefore, end the contract and approach the relationship from one of independence and a willingness to negotiate. Don’t feel like you are locked into some contract that isn’t working. Rip it up! Terminate the contract. There is nothing wrong with that. It is perfectly acceptable. All contracts have...or should have clauses that provide for terms under which the contract ends or becomes invalid.

On a practical level this could mean temporarily moving out or separation, but not necessarily. A contract is a piece of paper that outlines the expectations, the rules, etc. A new contract can be negotiated without the need to create distance. BUT, distance might help in providing a bit of clarity as well as incentive for the other person to come to the table.
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Postby PrettyBoi » Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:53 am

It is not selfish of you to have fears and it is certainly not selfish of you to express those fears to the partner who is supposed to make decisions WITH YOU. Idk how he is responding but I hope he hears you out and you don’t feel bad for being honest.

However. IMO, and in my upbringing- when it comes to family, there is no decision to be made here. This is your mother and she has no where to go and there’s really no question of what the right choice is, regardless of how it makes either of you feel. If my mom needs something this crucial, I do it. It sucks but that’s family.

In my opinion, it sounds like you guys have different family values and in the long run that seems foreboding...
are you always going to feel this way whenever one of his family/friends needs his help? My ex and I had this problem with my broke annoying mom and it honestly ruined our relationship- i saw mistreatment of my mother as mistreatment of me and I still do. I always will in some way. Your partner could be like me.

Also, if I was your partner I would be utterly and completely furious with you for insisting that mom needs to be added to to the contract thing... That part is kind of selfish to me, since it probably isn’t necessary and looks like an effort to manipulate the situation... I say probably because maybe just maybe it WILL be temporary.

Also. Could be in your interest to not put her on the lease as most places have a certain amount of time guests can stay... warn them of that date she can stay til and swoop in like the good guy that says “but you can stay anyway, let’s just try not to push it that long so management doesn’t find out” or something...

Honey is sweeter than vinegar or whatever they say
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Postby Livetowin » Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:30 pm

Unfortunately when you love someone, it doesn't always mean you can live with them. And in this instance, your partner is making a value judgment on the relationship by demanding you take the risks that he sets as necessary. That's unacceptable. Paying off his mother debts is also ridiculous. Sounds like his mother is a charity case who uses the convenient label of "family" as some kind of DNA liability that her son apparently swallows willingly to support her dysfunctional life.

Your perspective on this is completely sound. You need to get out of there and move on. It's funny how family members always quote from the poetry book of 'love and devotion to family' when it services what they want. But when the consideration swings in their direction, they can no longer recite those verses. Love is a two way street. Those asking carry as much accountability as those who give. So someone who unapologetically always has their hand out is not there because they care about you. They come because it's their expectation you will bow to their ruse. Your partner is expecting you to play the fool with him because it's his mother. You don't have to do that and please don't allow him to guilt trip you because it's his mother.

There is a difference between being a person in need and being a person who creates their environment to always have needs. He'll be caring for her and paying for her indiscretions the rest of his life. And the saddest part? She's teaching him to be just as ruthless with you. She's taught him to pony up and play the fool effectively. He commands the same from you. Take exception to that trend and move on with your life. You only control yourself. Time to take control. I wish you all the best.
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