Urges to torture/kill small animals.

Postby ThatOneGuy » Wed Mar 28, 2018 6:58 am

Before I go any further, let me give some background information. I did not have a good childhood. I was molested twice by two different people between the ages of 4 and 6 (The second person did it more than once. Both men were never caught or prosecuted.), and the memories are still extremely vivid to me. Between the ages of 8 and 15, my mother was with a man who constantly abused me physically and psychologically. I received no help whatsoever during this time, despite going to school with obvious bruises and injuries. My mother was completely neglectful, and often instigated this man's behavior (She was also an abusive alcoholic herself.).
My first harmful thought came around when I was around 7 or 8 years old, and it was about murdering my mother while she slept. The thought scared me, so I mentioned it to her in hopes that she would explain or comfort me in some way. Instead, she looked at me with disgust and called me a "little psychopath".
It wasn't until the physical abuse started when I began acting out these... unspeakable urges on small animals. I... won't go into detail, but the things I did to them still scare me to this day. It lasted from ages 8 to around 14/ early 15. After that, I was taken to my grandparents who, while their intentions were pure, were a little neglectful in a more subtle way.
During this was when I discovered mindful meditation, which in turn calmed me down and allowed me to see things through an entirely new perspective. I was a lot happier, and those urges came less and less.
I'm in my early 20s now, working a full time job and living with two roommates and unfortunately, those urges began to come back again. There were two separate occasions where a frog managed to find its way into my house. But rather than enacting on those urges like 13-15 year old me would have, I gave the frog a slight rub on the head and let it back outside. One thing that scares me deeply is that a lot of the time, I don't feel much remorse for having those thoughts, though I think a lot of that has to do with the Emotional Detachment disorder I've developed over the years. I even tried to force myself to feel regret for what I've done in the past, but with unsatisfying results.
In order to combat these urges (along with depression, anger and thoughts of suicide), I began to take up singing and songwriting, and am getting back into meditating. I also made a profound promise to myself to never do those things again. Talking about it helps a ton as well, but all of my friends are major animal lovers and would disown me on the spot if they found out. This is the most open I've ever been about this.
But I'm scared of what would happen if I didn't have songwriting or meditation to help me cope. I'm afraid to seek professional help because I don't want to be locked away, or put on yet another slew of medications (There's a reason why I refused medications after I turned 18.).
I'm entirely willing to change in whatever way I can.
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#1

Postby Candid » Wed Mar 28, 2018 7:04 am

I've never heard of Emotional Detachment Disorder and I think you're talking about Attachment Disorder, which logically follows on from a childhood and adolescence full of emotional and physical abuse / neglect.

I think you'll find people to 'talk' to on this forum: http://cptsd.org/forum/, and I wish you all the best.
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#2

Postby ThatOneGuy » Thu Mar 29, 2018 9:20 am

I've read through a good bit of the website, and a lot of it makes sense. Thank you so much for that link, it's helped me out a ton.
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#3

Postby HumanB » Fri Mar 30, 2018 12:31 am

Are these urges restricted to animals (now), or humans too? If it's restricted to animals then I'd imagine they're a lot easier to avoid than humans!
Do you love any animals? Have you ever felt that? What about admiration/appreciation for an animal/species?
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#4

Postby ThatOneGuy » Fri Mar 30, 2018 5:31 am

HumanB wrote:Are these urges restricted to animals (now), or humans too? If it's restricted to animals then I'd imagine they're a lot easier to avoid than humans!
Do you love any animals? Have you ever felt that? What about admiration/appreciation for an animal/species?


It's mostly restricted to animals, though the thoughts do tend to drift toward humans every once in a while. Myself included.
The strange thing... I enjoy animals. I do enjoy having them around, and find most of them absolutely adorable. Admiration for certain species? Definitely. One of my friends owns a cat who had a litter of kittens, and he allowed me to hold one. The thoughts surfaced for a little bit, but then it fell asleep on my chest and my heart melted. I'd like to say that I love animals, but I can't honestly say I really know what that emotion feels like.
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#5

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 30, 2018 8:00 am

ThatOneGuy wrote: the thoughts do tend to drift toward humans every once in a while. Myself included.


Yourself top of the list. methinks. If you hang around on that forum long enough you'll see people are writing about a concept called self-abandonment. If you were treated badly by your primary caregivers you learned to treat yourself badly. It was the only way you could survive your childhood. Unfortunately these destructive learned behaviours don't just go away when you're safe.

I'd like to say that I love animals, but I can't honestly say I really know what that emotion feels like.


I believe you. What you learned was to feel hateful feelings towards ThatOneGuy, and if you can't love ThatOneGuy it's impossible to feel good feelings for other creatures consistently and over a long period.

Since you liked the forum, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo
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#6

Postby Jabrilm » Sun May 06, 2018 9:59 pm

When I was around 6 or 7 I killed my sisters pet rabbit and baby chicken.My mom recently told me when I killed the rabbit they found it in our garage with its neck broken.after she buried it in the backyard she told me that I later dug it back up and took its eyes out of its head (I dont remember doing that). Couple years have passed and I tortured the family dogs. I would beat them to the point when I come home they tuck their tails or growl at me.Then I got my first pellet gun. I would shoot our mailbox, bottles, mice, birds, etc. Now that im older I think I had conduct disorder because I did terrible in school and would hurt kids around me with no remorse. When I was in the 3rd grade I stabbed my ex gf in the back because she told on me and I got suspended. I was a goofy but weird kid. I also think I grew out my disorder because I love animals and im respectful now but I have a twisted imagination.
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#7

Postby Candid » Mon May 07, 2018 7:56 am

Goofy but weird? You come across as much nastier than that.
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#8

Postby HumanB » Mon May 07, 2018 9:58 pm

Jabrilm wrote:When I was in the 3rd grade I stabbed my ex gf in the back because she told on me and I got suspended.
At this point didn't social services intervene in some way?.... child psychologist, or at least some kind of psychological assesment? The police??
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