Why am I like this?

Postby Mr.JQ » Wed Mar 28, 2018 8:21 pm

This might not be considered a huge issue compared to other people but its a big enough problem for me to where it physically makes me anxious. I moved to California a while ago for school and happened to land in an apartment with the best roommates I could ever ask for. They were, and still are so great that after the first few months I could comfortably call them family. The problem started when I met two of them. Two women, me and my buddy were living together. I had never left home for an extended period of time like this before and all of a sudden I was on my own living with two grown women. I guess, naturally I developed a crush on one of the girls. I didn't say anything to her about it since I wasn't sure about the situation, living together and all, and just only knowing her for a short amount of time. (I won't say their name's for privacy sake)

Luckily, this weirdness only lasted about a month. In the end it was more of infatuation and shock, more than actual feelings of romantic love. So that part fizzled out when she started seeing someone else from the school, I was angry at first but then got over it and continued being good friends with her. Funny enough, her seeing someone else was the best thing for me, since it made me stop seeing her a certain way that I couldn't make myself do on my own. She'll be moving out soon, but we still consider each other family and we love and care about each other.

Here's were the current problem lies. Over this first break between semesters, since my friend was busy with her boyfriend and my buddy went home, it was just me and the other girl basically on our own. She was also seeing someone at the time, but managed to keep it separate from the living situation, but told us she split up with him near the beginning of the break. Since it was just us two after my buddy went home, we started spending a lot of time together over the break, watching shows, going out to eat, etc. Normal stuff, nothing crazy. At the time I was just so grateful to have someone to hang out with. After that first break, I started seeing her differently. Most likely because she said she split up with her 'boyfriend' (she'd use that term loosely). Some primal crap in the back of my head must have flipped a switch, marking her as "single." Of course, this was very similar to my other friend. I told myself I wouldn't say anything because it wouldn't be worth it in the long run, and I don't want to potentially jeopardize my friendship with her in case something happened. I'm almost positive she doesn't see me this way, and I bet the thought never crossed her mind. I don't think I'm her type anyway. I'm positive this is just me confusing love and affection for a friend with romantic feelings.

I've probably spent more time with her than my other two roommates combined. After the first month, I asked if I was doing an okay job as a friend and as a roommate and she said we were all like a second family to her. You'd think that would be enough for my stupid brain, but no. We've helped each other out on projects, we've had some heart to heart conversations, we've hugged, we've laughed, we've dressed up like idiots for Halloween, eaten dinner together, etc. I couldn't be happier with the person she is. When I'm with her, and spending time with her, my mind is blank, completely in the moment and clear, just enjoying her company. But when we're not, my mind goes insane with completely illogical notions and scenarios.

Here's some of the things that my mind thinks are true when I'm not currently hanging out with her;

1. When you aren't hanging out with her, you're losing favor with her. You have to build it back up every day.
2. You said something she didn't completely agree with or did something you think was wrong, she hates you now.
3. If you don't say anything to each other for a day or two, it means she doesn't like you anymore and doesn't want to talk to you.
4. If you're not hanging out, then it means she doesn't want to hang out with you anymore.
5. If she goes out with someone else, like a friend from school or anyone, you mean less to her.
6. If she doesn't ask you for help, she doesn't value your opinion.
7. If she starts seeing someone romantically, you lose all meaning to her and you'll never hang out with her again. (This is probably the biggest fear)
8. If I have to ask to do something with her, instead of her ask me, then she doesn't really want to.
9. If she goes out somewhere without telling me, I get anxious if I don't know where she went.

I could keep going but I think I made my insane point. The funny thing is, she's never done anything to make me think this way. We've never fought, never had an argument, its only been an amazing time since I've known her. Nothing she's done through her actions have shown any of the problems listed above.

MY QUESTION IS; Why the hell am I like this? Am I just denying the fact that I might still like her romantically? Am I just overprotective? Why can't I just be happy and grateful for the time I've spent with her? I've told her on a few occasions how much she means to me as a friend and how much I enjoy her company, and its always ended in either a hug or her saying she feels the same. So why can't I just be happy? She's done nothing wrong and neither have I. I'm the one with the problem and I don't even know where it came from. This is the exact reason why I wouldn't be a good boyfriend for her. If I'm this crazy now, imagine how worse it would be if we actually did get into a romantic relationship? It would be 10x worse and I don't want to put her or myself through that.
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#1

Postby laureat » Wed Mar 28, 2018 8:35 pm

men can easy be jealous* (posessive) about women, the strange part is we may be jealous even for those women who did not agree to be in relationship with

the first step to improve on it is to be aware of, the second to simply remind oneself she is not yours, if that doesnt work you can go with 3d step, simply close your eyes and imagine her having sexx with other men until your inner side quits being possessive about
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#2

Postby Mr.JQ » Wed Mar 28, 2018 8:45 pm

Jealousy? Is that what it is? Could it really be something so base and petty? I guess I shouldn't be surprised if it is. Although I never said that she was mine or that I owned her. She's her own person and she can do what she wants. I'm just confused as to why my mind goes berserk about this stuff ONLY when it comes to her.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:06 pm

It sounds like you have limited experience with intimate relationships. This lack of experience results in lack of confidence. The end result is you come across as a “nice guy” that isn’t willing to make a move. This is unattractive and places you in the “friend zone”.

Lacking experience you want the female to send clear signals that can’t possibly be misinterpreted before taking the initiative. This is evident by you trying to over analyze every little event as you explain them away as her not being interested.

You would not have written this lengthy post if you were not attracted to this woman. Therefore, it is just a matter of you developing the skill to man up and ask her if she has interest. It isn’t necessarily easy, but it is part of growing as a person, gaining confidence and the emotional maturity to ask her out and be capable of handling rejection.
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#4

Postby Mr.JQ » Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:40 pm

This is definitely true about me having little experience with intimate relationships, especially with women. I agree with everything you said. This is really the first time I've ever had a relationship like this with another woman, so I guess it just comes with time and experience. I've handled rejection before, but living with a person who rejected you doesn't sound like a scenario that would be good for either of us.

However, since we do live together and we both go to the same school, a romantic relationship probably isn't the best thing for me right now. We're both nearing the end of school so it's unclear as to who will be leaving and who won't be. Getting into anything more now would most likely make things harder. I probably should have mentioned that before. She's also expressed disinterest in dating classmates and colleagues. I guess it just comes down to what you very helpfully wrote, "Man up, or Shut up."
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#5

Postby PrettyBoi » Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:05 am

Without reading the other comments... wow you sound a lot like me in your head and I am
A very good boifriend so hopefully you’re just having genuine realistic fears about letting someone down :)

Breathe... it’s ok to think all these questions. I actually think you are very emotionally intelligent and self aware and this is the first step to making sure that you get to be the best you.. you know you are “crazy”, you mostly know how you are “crazy”... if you can identify those things (you did in your post) then I don’t see why you cant CHOOSE the man you want to be... aka feel all those crazy things and still treat yourself/treat her right.

It’s ok to have all these feelings for her.. it’s healthy, it’s normal after bonding as friends and being physically near in the apartment.

Also, you don’t have to pursue everyone you have feelings for. You can totally friend zone girls even if they’re cute and you feel high around them. Maybe she’s supposed to be a friend and you’ll forget her when you spend time with someone new.

But if I were you, I would attempt to quiet my mind by coming clean to her and gently telling her that you love being her friend but you now feel called to being something more than a friend and you’d like to consider dating..

I can’t tell you why you’re crazy, but I don’t think you are crazy or on the path to being a bad boyfriend. I think if anything you may be codependent and worry too much that everything is related to you somehow... relax :)
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#6

Postby Mr.JQ » Thu Mar 29, 2018 6:42 am

Heheh, yeah. The bit where I think every thing is related to me I know is completely false, but I just get those thoughts without any effort, they just happen. Relax...Good, sound advice. Simple, but I often forget the simplest ways of calming down. Im usually level headed, but this is new to me, being this close to anyone. I'm just happy it's someone I can care so much about. I know that no matter what happens, whoever and wherever we wind up, I'll always care about her. Thanks for the genuine advice :)
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#7

Postby Livetowin » Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:41 pm

There's one answer for all of those items listed as frequent thoughts. You're deferring to her because you don't see the same value in yourself. For you, attraction and charm are a sign of merit because its not something you immediately associate as a common quality in yourself. Because you have limited experience in relationships, you've built up the stakes because you don't want to lose this connection with someone you feel lends importance or relevance to your own sense of self. That is why you constantly assess how she reacts to everything you say and why you obsess over how best to seat yourself next to her without losing her altogether.

When I was a young person, I lived that life before I got my experience and self confidence. As much as this might go against the grain of your emotional instincts, you need to start getting up every morning and just think about what YOU are going to do and let the people around you live their own lives. Catering to people will not win them over, nor bring relevance to your own life until you first figure out who it is YOU are.

There's never going to be a sincere moment when your female friend comes to you and says, " Hey I'm single tonight, so my vagina has an opening. Want to watch some Netflix and fill it?" That's not how that works. So if you want to go fishing, leave Opie at the pond's edge and decide whether you're ready to swim.

Finding someone attractive and fun to be with is all good fine, but the world is full of those kinds of people. It's WHO they are that really matters. So if you want to know who they are, figure out who you are first. Understand that attraction starts with yourself. Your opinion matters. Your point of view comes first. If one of the angels sees things differently, so what? You can be respectful to their point of view, but don't be apologetic, like you didn't answer the topic correctly. The right answer for you will ALWAYS be what best fits for you.

When you can filter everything through yourself first, you begin to understand the people around you better because you quit worrying about what they're thinking, which clears up the picture for you to see what they're actually doing. Open your eyes. You only control yourself. And don't let others define you. Define yourself and see life through what matters to YOU. This also permits people to see you as your own person and not a lost puppy looking for a new owner. Take control of your life and let the scenery manage itself. I wish you all the best.
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#8

Postby Mr.JQ » Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:01 pm

This is very true. I've watched and read many spiritual books and seminars about letting go of seeking as a means of fulfilling one's self. I know no one can bring me happiness but me. And I can't make someone else happy, it's a choice for that person. Even when we part ways eventually, I'm still me and she's still herself. And I know there won't be a perfect moment, and even if there was, I don't think I'd act. It would feel weird, since she's family to me. You don't date family. It's the situation I feel, say if we weren't living together, I bet it would be a lot different. I feel it's also a case of not knowing what I really want out of a relationship. From the looks of things, I'd say I'm not ready to swim yet :)
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#9

Postby Mr.JQ » Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:06 pm

I don't ever want to be that "nice guy" who tries to butter people up by going out of their way to do things for women, and then trashes the friendship because he was too scared to say something or gets angry when she moves on. If I'm nice to people, it's because that's who I am, it's how I was raised, to be helpful, regardless of guy or girl. When I do things for her and with her, it's because she's my friend, not because I want something out of it, because there's nothing to receive. It's one of those things where'd you do anything for family, and all my roommates count as this, not just her. My head just has irrational thoughts like everyone else, but 99% of the time, those thoughts weren't true and they usually never are. When it comes down to it, I'm obviously not ready and don't want things to change between us. I need to accept that the time for anything more has passed, so I can fully be grateful for the amazing, actual relationship I do have with her.
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