Quit journal

#135

Postby Bagobones » Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:32 pm

George from UK wrote:DAY 45

Woke up feeling down and lonely today to be honest.



George from UK wrote:DAY 46

Woke up feeling slightly more positive today, but not by much. Did some under priced work so that had me in a bad mood. All the fun of growing a business.

George


Good job sober Georg! I am proud of you. To look at it this way, now you are dealing with this properly, and not running away from it. The lonelyness is real for alot of ex addicts. You have mentioned it before, and you have started training again, so thats good. Out of curiosity, how are you going to deal with it going foreward? The lonelyness I mean..
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#136

Postby Cali-Detroit » Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:16 pm

Oi Sober BJJG!!

How goes it mate? Staying strong I hope. I understand underselling work, I've done it many a time. Money's money though, and your out there doing it, so cheers to making the effort.

I got me 2 months yesterday, let's keep rolling!
(In all ways, but sans jays!)
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#137

Postby George from UK » Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:03 pm

Hi there Bagobones, and thanks for the positive support, as for how i intend on dealing with the loneliness, i intend to join the local AA meetings group. I've never done that kind of thing before and feel a bit apprehensive about joining to be honest though.

I'd also like to get a girlfriend again at some point but from what i hear from other recovering addicts is it's probably not a good idea during the first year. What are your thoughts on getting into an intimate relationship during early recovery? I'd be interested to find out others opinions on this matter.

George
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#138

Postby George from UK » Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:08 pm

Cali-Detroit wrote:Oi Sober BJJG!!

How goes it mate? Staying strong I hope. I understand underselling work, I've done it many a time. Money's money though, and your out there doing it, so cheers to making the effort.

I got me 2 months yesterday, let's keep rolling!
(In all ways, but sans jays!)



hey up Cali, Good to hear from you mate. I tried to send you a private message to make sure you was ok after not hearing from you in a while. But the message system on here failed lol.

Big congratulations on the 2 month mark, i'll be on 7 weeks this Saturday coming.

Sober GJJG
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#139

Postby George from UK » Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:15 pm

DAY 47

Man, the cravings for alcohol were really strong again today on the way home from work. But i just grit my teeth and came home and smoked a cigarette and drank some English Tea. The cravings to get drunk were/are about 9 out of 10. Maybe even a full 10 out of 10.

I know my own will power will not keep me sober forever, it hasn't worked the other ten's of times I've tried to quit on my own without help. That's why this time i need to join a 12 step group. I need help with this.

Thankyou to my higher power, god, the universe, mother nature... Whatever gave me the power to stay sober today. This disease of the mind/brain/spirit is real. weather or not i was born with it, developed it or a bit of both, is irrelevant. It's real!

Sober GJJG (inside joke with Cali. Hehe)
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#140

Postby George from UK » Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:57 pm

DAY 48

After a hard day working in the sun my disease gave me strong craving to get drunk. 10 out of 10 in strength today. By the grace of god and listening to AA, NA, MA etc meeting on my mp3 player at work got me through. Now i'm home and organised a list of things to do tomorrow the cravings have diminished alot. Probably only a 1 or 2 out of 10 at the minute.

i find just waiting a while while and saying i'll just stay sober for today helps

George
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#141

Postby George from UK » Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:06 pm

DAY 50

The cravings to get drunk are still there, but to a less degree, probably a 5 out of 10. I did a run on the treadmill this morning and that as helped no end.

There is no GJJ training for the next two Saturdays i normally train due to temporary changes in the timetable at the training centre

George
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#142

Postby George from UK » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:05 pm

DAY 52

My diseased minds cravings for alcohol are at an all time high, 10 out of 10, Came very close to saying "**** it, i'm gonna get drunk" But came home and ate some food and had a nap and that took the cravings down to about a 7 or 8 out of 10.

I find since iv'e gotten sober my mind is racing all the time. I'm having anxiety and fear over situations i make up in my own messed up brain. Projecting myself into future scenarios that may or may not happen. i even catch myself having arguments with people in my mind and the funny part is, i'm playing their role as well as mine hahaha,

George
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#143

Postby Bagobones » Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:16 pm

George from UK wrote:Hi there Bagobones, and thanks for the positive support, as for how i intend on dealing with the loneliness, i intend to join the local AA meetings group. I've never done that kind of thing before and feel a bit apprehensive about joining to be honest though.

I'd also like to get a girlfriend again at some point but from what i hear from other recovering addicts is it's probably not a good idea during the first year. What are your thoughts on getting into an intimate relationship during early recovery? I'd be interested to find out others opinions on this matter.

George


ooh, hard question.. First of all I have grown up kids and a ex wife, so I am on the other side of that one. I am very relaxed when it comes to my lovelife..

What you have to ask yourself is this, can your sobriety handle a broken heart? Being dumped by a woman you think is awesome. Or you dumping a woman and all the drama that comes with that? I am not saying it will happen, but I think thats the worst that can threaten your sobriety...

I met a good woman and she broke up with me during my quit..

I think AA sounds like a good idea for you. During my quit my much younger female boss started to nag me to see a doctor about my struggles. After much nagging (annoying woman nagging) from her I went, and my doctor sendt me to a shrink. I hated them both for suggesting I was mentally weak and needing a shrink. Going in to my shrink the first time was horrible. Like I by stepping into that office, was offically crazy. Now I see what they ment. It has helped me alot. I will never admit that to my boss though. I still hate her a bit for it... hehehe..

I get you being apprehensive about AA, but what really do you got to lose by going?
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#144

Postby George from UK » Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:55 am

Bagobones wrote:
George from UK wrote:Hi there Bagobones, and thanks for the positive support, as for how i intend on dealing with the loneliness, i intend to join the local AA meetings group. I've never done that kind of thing before and feel a bit apprehensive about joining to be honest though.

I'd also like to get a girlfriend again at some point but from what i hear from other recovering addicts is it's probably not a good idea during the first year. What are your thoughts on getting into an intimate relationship during early recovery? I'd be interested to find out others opinions on this matter.

George


ooh, hard question.. First of all I have grown up kids and a ex wife, so I am on the other side of that one. I am very relaxed when it comes to my lovelife..

What you have to ask yourself is this, can your sobriety handle a broken heart? Being dumped by a woman you think is awesome. Or you dumping a woman and all the drama that comes with that? I am not saying it will happen, but I think thats the worst that can threaten your sobriety...

I met a good woman and she broke up with me during my quit..

I think AA sounds like a good idea for you. During my quit my much younger female boss started to nag me to see a doctor about my struggles. After much nagging (annoying woman nagging) from her I went, and my doctor sendt me to a shrink. I hated them both for suggesting I was mentally weak and needing a shrink. Going in to my shrink the first time was horrible. Like I by stepping into that office, was offically crazy. Now I see what they ment. It has helped me alot. I will never admit that to my boss though. I still hate her a bit for it... hehehe..

I get you being apprehensive about AA, but what really do you got to lose by going?



Thanks for your input Bones, if i may call you Bones? hahaa. To answer your question, I don't think i could handle a heart break at the moment if i'm honest

Props to your female boss though hey!

Thanks

Hangover free mornings George
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#145

Postby George from UK » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:17 am

DAY 55

I met some local GJJ/BJJ guys last night and started training in one of their garages where he's got an awesome set up that consists of 16 sq mtrs of grappling mats. I will be training with these guys every week from now on hopefully as he said i'm more than welcome anytime.

Anyway as for my Neurotransmission disease, i had my first small craving for weed yesterday, probably a 1 out of 10. I still have cravings for alcohol on a daily basis but i'm white knuckling it at the moment, which i know from past experience isn't sustainable. My diseased brain is trying to to tell me how i can control my drinking now and i can just have a drink once a week.

But i know from past experiences this never works in reality. What happens is, i start off fine just having a drink on a Saturday night or something, then hungover all the next day. Essentially wasting nearly two whole days. Then it progresses to drinking twice a week and hungover twice a week. essentially wasting nearly half a week. Then i start craving for a third day of getting drunk and it goes on to the point where my mind says ok, maybe i should just have a few most nights of the week. But i don't have the gift to control it and can't trust myself to have a couple on an evening. So i start feeling despair at this point.

And so it goes on to the point where my disease tells me ok, this drinking is getting out of control George, we should start smoking weed again, so i'm able at that point to actually drink less most of the time.... Phhhhhwwww :-(

Then before i know it i'm buying £20 or £30 of weed per day and drinking on top of that. And a few months into this phase i find the weed doesn't work for me anymore and just makes me feel well enough to get me out of bed (eventually) and i feel hopeless at that point and know another quit cycle is on it's way.

Hence bring me back to 55 days ago. Then 55 days later, here i am; at the present day. lol, and I've been going through this cycle for about 9 years now. Only god as i understand him and other recovering addicts can help me at this point, i think. I give up, i can't do it alone. My own will power is just not enough. I hand over my will to my higher power, whatever that is...

Hangover free morning George :-)
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#146

Postby George from UK » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:19 am

Just to add, and maybe this can help others reading this. But in the time it's taken me to type this out i feel better already, and my cravings to get drunk today have dropped to about 0 or 1 out of ten. Thanks for reading

George
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#147

Postby Cali-Detroit » Thu Jun 14, 2018 4:44 pm

Right on G! Sounds like a roll-er coaster man, hang in there. This is proving to be very difficult at times innit?

Just my two cents, but maybe a casual relationship with a lady might be in order at the moment. It could curb the loneliness and human touch is a very powerful thing. But boundaries could be set early on you know.
Bones is right in that it can complicate things if you get to deep, which has a way of happening, but being alone can be difficult in it's own right, and you never know when someone great may come into your life.

I guess it depends on you...
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#148

Postby George from UK » Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:27 pm

Cali-Detroit wrote:Right on G! Sounds like a roll-er coaster man, hang in there. This is proving to be very difficult at times innit?

Just my two cents, but maybe a casual relationship with a lady might be in order at the moment. It could curb the loneliness and human touch is a very powerful thing. But boundaries could be set early on you know.
Bones is right in that it can complicate things if you get to deep, which has a way of happening, but being alone can be difficult in it's own right, and you never know when someone great may come into your life.

I guess it depends on you...


Hey up Cali,

Good to hear from you mate! Yeah this is proving to be hard going at times. I know if i get drunk now i'll wake up the next day feeling really bad.

I think you might be on to something with the "casual relationship" thing on second thoughts now you've mentioned it! But like Bones said (i think it was Bones who said it at least hehe) i don't know if i could stay sober if things went south in a new relationship. Hhmmm i just don't know haha.

But again as you go on to say... "being alone can be difficult in it's own right, and you never know when someone great may come into your life"... Being alone can be very hard can't it, mate. I don't think i can see myself being happy alone forever. And sometimes i think to myself 'If i wait till i'm the person i want to be to get into a relationship, It'll never happen hahaa' You know when you feel like you've gone too far to ever come back and have a, so called "Normal life"

i'm rambling a bit here, i don't know what is for the best. Anyway, dude. I appreciate your input, as always. Stay strong brother!

George
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#149

Postby Cali-Detroit » Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:52 pm

No worries G. You make a great point about "waiting until you're the person you want to be" before getting involved with someone. Shyte, if people actually did that, the human race would have died out a long time ago. It just gets harder as you get older, it really does, no matter how suave you are (or thought you were, in my case, lol). I'm telling you mate, a good lady really improves your life. I got lucky and met a girl when i was 35. She's not a knockout and she can be a bit challenging at times, but she cooks all my meals from scratch, bakes, does not want for material things, accepts me and all my flaws (there are MANY), takes care of all my, ahem, needs, and enjoys it, gets on with my family, gave me two great kids, works her butt off to bring in extra money and takes on the brunt of daily life. And that's just a few things.

I tell you this only because I never in a million dreamed of setting down, and if I did, she wasn't what I would have had in mind. But what we want and what we NEED...well, I think we know the name of that game. Nothing in life is ever ideal, and there's always shyte to deal with, fkn always. It never ends, we know this. BUT... it is a bit easier with a partner, someone to push through the slog by your side, and some unexpected joy can even creep in from time to time. True story. It scared me a bit to be honest at first....these foreign feelings. (I cringe even typing the "F" word..lol)
But alas, there they were. A family can be a beautiful thing and it's an experience I highly recommend.

I see your ramble, and raaaise you a fountain of text! : D

Hang tough brother...good things ahead
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