Quit journal

[George from UK]

No worries G. You make a great point about "waiting until you're the person you want to be" before getting involved with someone. Shyte, if people actually did that, the human race would have died out a long time ago. It just gets harder as you get older, it really does, no matter how suave you are (or thought you were, in my case, lol). I'm telling you mate, a good lady really improves your life. I got lucky and met a girl when i was 35. She's not a knockout and she can be a bit challenging at times, but she cooks all my meals from scratch, bakes, does not want for material things, accepts me and all my flaws (there are MANY), takes care of all my, ahem, needs, and enjoys it, gets on with my family, gave me two great kids, works her butt off to bring in extra money and takes on the brunt of daily life. And that's just a few things.

I tell you this only because I never in a million dreamed of setting down, and if I did, she wasn't what I would have had in mind. But what we want and what we NEED...well, I think we know the name of that game. Nothing in life is ever ideal, and there's always shyte to deal with, fkn always. It never ends, we know this. BUT... it is a bit easier with a partner, someone to push through the slog by your side, and some unexpected joy can even creep in from time to time. True story. It scared me a bit to be honest at first....these foreign feelings. (I cringe even typing the "F" word..lol)
But alas, there they were. A family can be a beautiful thing and it's an experience I highly recommend.

I see your ramble, and raaaise you a fountain of text! : D

Hang tough brother...good things ahead

Thanks for this Cali, it nearly brought a tear to my 39 year old callus heart, lol. But seriously, it's actually just what i needed to hear tonight, mate (it's 9PM, dead on the dot by the way in sunny England over the "puddle" here)

I think you are heaven sent tonight mate. I might have very well caved in tonight and got drunk.

Thanks again Cali

George

[Cali-Detroit]

Anytime brother...imagine a different life for yourself. You've already started the journey, now just enjoy the ride.... possibilities abound!

[George from UK]

DAY 56

Still having strong urges to get drunk. About 9 or 10 out of 10. Now it's getting later in the day though i can feel it start to diminish some what. I have noticed, and maybe others can watch for this too; the strong urges come at particular times of the day, during particular triggers.

Usually when i'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I try to remember the acronym H.A.L.T for these occasions.

George

[Cali-Detroit]

Yeah the hunger always makes me angry. So then I eat, which makes me tired. I fall asleep on the couch, and when I wake up, every one is gone, tired of waiting on my lazy aks! Then, I'm lonely. A vicious cycle, indeed!

Hang in there dude, it's just one of those days.
I sometimes cheat with a bag of chips (crisps) and some sugar. It releases drug like compounds in the brain and give temporary relief. A walk never let's me down either, even though it's murder motivating myself to leave the house.

Sending the good vibes your way...

[Bagobones]

I'm telling you mate, a good lady really improves your life.

Yeah, its always nice to have your James Bond girl by your side!! If it is more casual and adventurous, or magical love.

I have mine by my side, my bond girl (woman) from this quit... She has thick black flowing hair thats a bit bleached from sun and salt water, big black beautiful smiling eyes revealing many tales and experiences. Tanned skinn giving away a life spent under a strong sun and on beaches. Never make up on. Always wearing nice summer dresses, slippers and some fancy sunglasses. She has a talent making those10 dollar dresses look like a million dollar Gucci dresses.
She looks kind of skinny, but when you look closer you will see traces of all the physical work she has done on the family farm, her years of yoga and all the surfing. its a strong body with some battle scars from life, she just looks skinny from a distance.
Like the nicest women ive met (romantically) from the past, I knew from the second I layed my eyes on her, that here was a the most beautiful trouble life has to offer. My plans was going to change. Talking to her the first time was like talking to an old friend. Like coming home. Like playing with fire!

Like every time, I have no idea how.. This just happenes.

As many times in my life, I was heading out of the arrivle doors at some strange airport in a galaxy far far away. Love was so far out of my flatline, zombie, no libidio, jet-lagged body and brain that is possible, only knowing that some local woman named miss T was picking me up. I had met her sister and her sisters husband in Brussels a few years ago, and called her when I knew I was going to her home town in Asia. "Yeah, just call miss T when you get to Manila. You can stay with her. My sister", she said in her Hong Kong british accent. "She has an extra room you can crash inn, in Mindanao", she said. I will pick you up in Hong Kong when you land there. My detox, running away from life, adventure was taking shape.

Leaving the airport entrance and heading into the tropical island night with miss T, in my mind I had already canceled all my plans for the rest of the trip, and knew I was going to return here soon enough, because I was completely mesmerized by the new magic woman by my side...

There you have it.. Thats how it happened to me the last time. If its helped my sobriety? hmmmm, thats another question...

[Cali-Detroit]

Haha, love that one! I can't wait to have a relationship that doesn't involve small children again. Damn, you took me back. I love my kids, but I sure do miss that guy I was sometimes. Hey I can still have fun when I'm 55 right? Fifteen or so more years, and they'll be grown...hmmm. I'll live vicariously through you in the mean time, IF youdontmindsir!

[Bagobones]

Haha, love that one! I can't wait to have a relationship that doesn't involve small children again. Damn, you took me back. I love my kids, but I sure do miss that guy I was sometimes. Hey I can still have fun when I'm 55 right? Fifteen or so more years, and they'll be grown...hmmm. I'll live vicariously through you in the mean time, IF youdontmindsir!

oh, man, I miss when my oldest was like 8 - 9.. Or when she was a little mini person that was always sitting on my arm.

Happy fathers day Cali! Soon enough they will be bigger and you will wonder where the years went...

Enjoy.. My little mini is now finished with college and has been working for a few years. A young twenty something woman! Now, that is food for a real 40 year crisis.. hehehe

[Cali-Detroit]

Thanks bones, same to you...it was a good day! Moments just as you described above, in real time, very cool. I know it will go fast, so I'm paying attention and embracing it. And with a much different perspective than last year, with a clean head. Peace brother

[Bagobones]

Thanks bones, same to you...it was a good day! Moments just as you described above, in real time, very cool. I know it will go fast, so I'm paying attention and embracing it. And with a much different perspective than last year, with a clean head. Peace brother

Well I have to have done something right in the past. My middle 2 brought me sushi today.. The other two was skype..

How is sobriety going? Are you becoming more human again, Cali?? hehe

[Cali-Detroit]

Eh I'm hanging in there..thanks for asking... sleepless night last night, might've been the Coke at 7pm. Caffeine really gets me sometimes. I'm excercising almost daily and lost a few pounds this week, so feeling good about that . I started tracking my food intake and cutting back on the junk. Two and a half months clean tomorrow, so that's good. I still wonder why I'm doing this at times, but my will is good. A lot of real life stress at the moment, and it makes me annoyed that I was getting high all the times things were nice and chill and now, when I really need it, I'm sober. But it's good, feeling what is real and raw, not loving it, but doing it anyway. Onward and upward...

[Bagobones]

I'm excercising almost daily and lost a few pounds this week, so feeling good about that . I started tracking my food intake and cutting back on the junk.

NICE! What you also did was getting new coping mechanisms and was busy doing other stuff, so you did not get to think so much about quitting and suffering..

Two and a half months clean tomorrow, so that's good.

Congrats dude! your making me proud of you!

I still wonder why I'm doing this at times, but my will is good. A lot of real life stress at the moment, and it makes me annoyed that I was getting high all the times things were nice and chill and now, when I really need it, I'm sober.

I dont know about that though. Do you remember the first times you got really high? I bet you where so out in space that you could not even order a breakfast burrito on your local tacobell. Or was it In-N-Out Burger? hehe.. I had a period where i could not plan anything after I quit, but after that it was so much easier to deal with the life stressors.. Or sober me found out that life was not very stressful at all.. I made it stressfull by being high on a psychoactive drug while trying to do stuff all the time...

But it's good, feeling what is real and raw, not loving it, but doing it anyway.

you will learn to love it. Patience my friend! Time is your doctor in this game..

Onward and upward...

Is George turning you into a brit now? haha.. Try some Detroit street slang instead.. Now thats excotic mad language for us europeans here !!!!

Peace

[George from UK]

Yeah the hunger always makes me angry. So then I eat, which makes me tired. I fall asleep on the couch, and when I wake up, every one is gone, tired of waiting on my lazy aks! Then, I'm lonely. A vicious cycle, indeed!

Hang in there dude, it's just one of those days.
I sometimes cheat with a bag of chips (crisps) and some sugar. It releases drug like compounds in the brain and give temporary relief. A walk never let's me down either, even though it's murder motivating myself to leave the house.

Sending the good vibes your way...

Haha, this made me chuckle. Thanks for the support brother!

Still sober and hangover free, George

[George from UK]

I'm telling you mate, a good lady really improves your life.

Yeah, its always nice to have your James Bond girl by your side!! If it is more casual and adventurous, or magical love.

I have mine by my side, my bond girl (woman) from this quit... She has thick black flowing hair thats a bit bleached from sun and salt water, big black beautiful smiling eyes revealing many tales and experiences. Tanned skinn giving away a life spent under a strong sun and on beaches. Never make up on. Always wearing nice summer dresses, slippers and some fancy sunglasses. She has a talent making those10 dollar dresses look like a million dollar Gucci dresses.
She looks kind of skinny, but when you look closer you will see traces of all the physical work she has done on the family farm, her years of yoga and all the surfing. its a strong body with some battle scars from life, she just looks skinny from a distance.
Like the nicest women ive met (romantically) from the past, I knew from the second I layed my eyes on her, that here was a the most beautiful trouble life has to offer. My plans was going to change. Talking to her the first time was like talking to an old friend. Like coming home. Like playing with fire!

Like every time, I have no idea how.. This just happenes.

As many times in my life, I was heading out of the arrivle doors at some strange airport in a galaxy far far away. Love was so far out of my flatline, zombie, no libidio, jet-lagged body and brain that is possible, only knowing that some local woman named miss T was picking me up. I had met her sister and her sisters husband in Brussels a few years ago, and called her when I knew I was going to her home town in Asia. "Yeah, just call miss T when you get to Manila. You can stay with her. My sister", she said in her Hong Kong british accent. "She has an extra room you can crash inn, in Mindanao", she said. I will pick you up in Hong Kong when you land there. My detox, running away from life, adventure was taking shape.

Leaving the airport entrance and heading into the tropical island night with miss T, in my mind I had already canceled all my plans for the rest of the trip, and knew I was going to return here soon enough, because I was completely mesmerized by the new magic woman by my side...

There you have it.. Thats how it happened to me the last time. If its helped my sobriety? hmmmm, thats another question...

Awesome, awe inspiring story, dude! Thanks for that. I could do with my own James Bond girl, haha

George

[Cali-Detroit]

Heya George, good to hear ya. Hope you're well...or doing a bit better anyway.

[George from UK]

DAY 61

Hi all, i haven't relapsed i just haven't been updating my journal as often partly due to being busy and partly due to laziness.

Anyway, i'm still having very strong craving to get drunk (8 or 9 out of 10) but hardly any craving for weed. My disease keeps fantasizing what it would be like to get drunk and how it would instantly make me feel better. How i could sit here with a few drinks (okay, a-lot of drinks) and laugh at youtube videos and let that numb eurphoric feeling wash over my mind and body and just sit back in a drunken haze and smile

But then i tell myself i'm poorly in the brain, and i can't drink normally, i don't have the gift for it. It would spirall out of control and lead me back to weed like it always has done. I wish i could get drunk once a week and then be content for the other 6 days, but it never works out like that.

I think i'm "white knuckling" it to be honest. And from past quit attempts i'm not sure if i can keep it up.

On a positive note, as far as i can remember this is the longest iv'e gone without alcohol since i can remember. Probably since i was about 15 years old, lol

I know if i had a drink now i'd love it but i know tomorrow morning i'd feel so so bad about letting myself down after coming so far. And we all know what a drinker does to make themselves feel better about their drinking, that's right; drink more... Drink to forget about your drinking. Lol, what a vicious cycle that one is hey.

Over and out

Hangover free George