I hate beating my sister

Postby Blue-elephant » Sat Apr 07, 2018 11:00 pm

Hi, Im a 23 year old girl .
I was abused alot as a kid , my father use beat me or my mum alot , sometimes to the point my face was messed up . As i grew over 20 it got less , mainly because I got faster at running away lol~

The problem is , I thjnk im like my father , I loose control , I DONT WANT TONDO IT but I just do, usually with the weaker ones like my 14 yo sister and my mother .
I hurt my mother emotionally even thou i love her to death, but with my little sister , when she insult me or idk make me really angry , I find myself attacking her ,
She does fight back at even thou it makes me angry i let her beat me back because i know i deserve it,

Over years I did get better at managing my anger but obviously its not enough ! I hurt me so much to see my loved ones crying or hurt .
What do I do!!!?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 07, 2018 11:54 pm

First, stop thinking of yourself as a girl.

You are a woman. You are a 23 year old adult. You are not a child. Girls are children.

Not calling yourself a girl is important. It shows a level of respect for yourself. Calling yourself a girl is allowing you to think that it is okay to act like a child.

Second, as a woman you have the option to leave. You have the option to hold yourself accountable and take responsibility. This can mean different things depending on your living arrangements, but bottom line you are not a girl incapable of walking away.

Last, holding yourself accountable means:
-1- having ways to respond other than physical or emotional abuse.
-2- having preset consequences for your actions.
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#2

Postby Blue-elephant » Sun Apr 08, 2018 12:09 am

Wow, I do act like a child alot , and I do think of the consequences of my action ,
Its like suddenly someone else taking over my body.
And I really want to leave because I don’t think its for better
The problem is
Firstly my dad think we all should stick together ( I dont understand why , we were never a sweet happy family )
Secondly im scared to take steps , im scared to fail and get depressed again.

Im not trying to explain what i did at all, I know its wrong to lay hand on my little sister or hurt anyone’s feelings ,
I’m just saying there are LOTS of stress inside me now and instead of pushing me to do things , these anxieties make me stay still as If im petrified and im throwing my anger on those who have nothing to do with my stupidness

Thank you so much for replying btw
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Sun Apr 08, 2018 10:35 pm

Blue-elephant wrote:Hi, Im a 23 year old girl .
I was abused alot as a kid , my father use beat me or my mum alot , sometimes to the point my face was messed up . As i grew over 20 it got less , mainly because I got faster at running away lol~

The problem is , I thjnk im like my father , I loose control , I DONT WANT TONDO IT but I just do, usually with the weaker ones like my 14 yo sister and my mother .
I hurt my mother emotionally even thou i love her to death, but with my little sister , when she insult me or idk make me really angry , I find myself attacking her ,
She does fight back at even thou it makes me angry i let her beat me back because i know i deserve it,

Over years I did get better at managing my anger but obviously its not enough ! I hurt me so much to see my loved ones crying or hurt .
What do I do!!!?


Good Morning Blue-elephant,

Sorry for the late answer, but I was out of town yesterday. Yes, I understand that you are from a dysfunctional home, but, really, the way our Culture is in this modern era and how they expect us to live, well, we are all from dysfunctional homes. We should live more in Community/Extended Family Situations where the Adults can keep an eye on each other and where Cooler Heads would always prevail. But instead we are coped up in isolation with young inexperienced first time parents who are under all the stresses of trying to advance in their careers amidst relationships that are for the most part founded on tenuous premises of faded romantic love. So, it is more or less a given that we are all kind of screwed up. We don’t even really have to speak about it or concern ourselves with it, at this time. But, all that being said, there is something relatively easy that you can do to keep your violent anger under control.

Blue, have you ever heard of Cortisol? It’s a compound that the brain secretes when the mind-body feels threatened, frustrated, insulted, etc. Cortisol excites the emotions and stimulates the body into activity, but at the same time shuts down the brain’s higher thinking functions. That is why it seems like we lose control… because we really do lose control. People who are under a lot of stress seem to be pumping out at least some Cortisol all the time. The Brain gets into a habit whereby the more Cortisol that get pumped, the more the brain will tend to pump out even more. But there is a way to reverse this process. There is a Trick for shutting down the Cortisol. You see, to understand this Trick you should understand that the very first muscle group that feels the onset of a Cortisol Rush is the jaw muscles, because they are closest to the brain. As soon as you feel your jaws tighten – your teeth clench – THEN IMMEDIATELY RELAX your jaws – open your mouth. That tells the Brain to shut down the Cortisol. Now, you can imagine how Primitive People living in the Jungles with all those animals would have opportunities to be legitimately frightened, but also that they would be jumpy with so many False Alarms – a stick that looks like a snake, or the village dog that for a moment looked like a wolf or a bear – well, in order for the Cortisol to be shut down in these False Alarm situations the People back then learned to do something like saying “Oh!” (which you can’t say with teeth clenched) which would force their mouths open, and they simply learned from habit and watching each other how to relax and laugh these things off. Well, this Trick seems to have become a forgotten art.

But, Blue, you need to practice this. Nobody gets loud and angry and starts beating on somebody – losing control, without Cortisol. Simply watch yourself and relax that jaw whenever it tightens. One lady told me that ‘she can’t get angry as long as she is breathing through her mouth’. So Anger Management, at this level, is not about Attitude, Self Knowledge, Will Power and all of that. Anger Management simply involves Learning a Trick. Blue, do you think you can handle it? I’m pretty sure you can. Let me know if you have any questions.
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#4

Postby Blue-elephant » Mon Apr 09, 2018 9:23 am

Leo Volont wrote:
Blue-elephant wrote:Hi, Im a 23 year old girl .
I was abused alot as a kid , my father use beat me or my mum alot , sometimes to the point my face was messed up . As i grew over 20 it got less , mainly because I got faster at running away lol~

The problem is , I thjnk im like my father , I loose control , I DONT WANT TONDO IT but I just do, usually with the weaker ones like my 14 yo sister and my mother .
I hurt my mother emotionally even thou i love her to death, but with my little sister , when she insult me or idk make me really angry , I find myself attacking her ,
She does fight back at even thou it makes me angry i let her beat me back because i know i deserve it,

Over years I did get better at managing my anger but obviously its not enough ! I hurt me so much to see my loved ones crying or hurt .
What do I do!!!?


Good Morning Blue-elephant,

Sorry for the late answer, but I was out of town yesterday. Yes, I understand that you are from a dysfunctional home, but, really, the way our Culture is in this modern era and how they expect us to live, well, we are all from dysfunctional homes. We should live more in Community/Extended Family Situations where the Adults can keep an eye on each other and where Cooler Heads would always prevail. But instead we are coped up in isolation with young inexperienced first time parents who are under all the stresses of trying to advance in their careers amidst relationships that are for the most part founded on tenuous premises of faded romantic love. So, it is more or less a given that we are all kind of screwed up. We don’t even really have to speak about it or concern ourselves with it, at this time. But, all that being said, there is something relatively easy that you can do to keep your violent anger under control.

Blue, have you ever heard of Cortisol? It’s a compound that the brain secretes when the mind-body feels threatened, frustrated, insulted, etc. Cortisol excites the emotions and stimulates the body into activity, but at the same time shuts down the brain’s higher thinking functions. That is why it seems like we lose control… because we really do lose control. People who are under a lot of stress seem to be pumping out at least some Cortisol all the time. The Brain gets into a habit whereby the more Cortisol that get pumped, the more the brain will tend to pump out even more. But there is a way to reverse this process. There is a Trick for shutting down the Cortisol. You see, to understand this Trick you should understand that the very first muscle group that feels the onset of a Cortisol Rush is the jaw muscles, because they are closest to the brain. As soon as you feel your jaws tighten – your teeth clench – THEN IMMEDIATELY RELAX your jaws – open your mouth. That tells the Brain to shut down the Cortisol. Now, you can imagine how Primitive People living in the Jungles with all those animals would have opportunities to be legitimately frightened, but also that they would be jumpy with so many False Alarms – a stick that looks like a snake, or the village dog that for a moment looked like a wolf or a bear – well, in order for the Cortisol to be shut down in these False Alarm situations the People back then learned to do something like saying “Oh!” (which you can’t say with teeth clenched) which would force their mouths open, and they simply learned from habit and watching each other how to relax and laugh these things off. Well, this Trick seems to have become a forgotten art.

But, Blue, you need to practice this. Nobody gets loud and angry and starts beating on somebody – losing control, without Cortisol. Simply watch yourself and relax that jaw whenever it tightens. One lady told me that ‘she can’t get angry as long as she is breathing through her mouth’. So Anger Management, at this level, is not about Attitude, Self Knowledge, Will Power and all of that. Anger Management simply involves Learning a Trick. Blue, do you think you can handle it? I’m pretty sure you can. Let me know if you have any questions.




hi Leo
first of all I need to say I had no idea how to actually reply to your post, I hope Im doing it right !
then I need to thank you for your beautiful and helpful words , you are right we all are screwed up in some way , just like the song says "no one is alone" .
I need to practice this method then , Im even kinda excited to try it .
with your encouraging words I feel like Im capable of taming the Hulk inside me,
honestly I cant thank you enough for this trick that you introduced me to .
i honestly broke my front tooth once because I was angry and I was clenching my jaw so hard haha
thank you for putting so much time to help me, it means alot , not only to me but also to people who are around me.
i really do hate hurting people...well no one likes that
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#5

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Apr 09, 2018 12:46 pm

Hi Blue,

Oh, actually my reply to you was kind of short by my usual standards, but I have been getting better at explaining my Cortisol Trick... the explanation gets smoother every time. But I told you nothing about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I do for most inquiries. but, honestly speaking, the Cortisol Trick is sufficient to keep us from actually committing murder and mayhem. but if you would like to give Self Therapy a try, that can be theoretically easy too. Remember just Three Words -- Review, Revise, Rehearse. The core idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that we DON'T have to understand WHY we are all screwed up, but that we Only have to deal with the Results. We all have Bad Habits, in Thought and Deed. We only have to REVIEW everything we DO and THINK for stuff that gets us into trouble. Once we spot some habit in thought or deed that gets us into trouble, well, then we think about how to REVISE it -- we think of other things we can Think or Do instead. and then we REHEARSE. We go over in our heads HOW we would want to Think about things, and how we would prefer to Act around people. You know, people are always saying "Just Be Yourself" and nobody wants to be "Phony" but our Brains are so amenable -- we can really be Anybody or Anything we want to be. It just takes Time and Practice. For instance, I am So Much Nicer than I was just 10 years ago. Nowadays people actually think I am a Nice Guy (but I did not learn all about Anger just out of intellectual curiosity). So REVIEW, REVISE, and REHEARSE actually work. If you would like to read some good Anger Management Books, Blue, then let me know. Oh, read some of my other posted replies, and see whether or not I have been short changing you.... I hope not... but just in case, it would be good to see what you are missing.
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#6

Postby Blue-elephant » Mon Apr 09, 2018 1:06 pm

Leo Volont wrote:Hi Blue,

Oh, actually my reply to you was kind of short by my usual standards, but I have been getting better at explaining my Cortisol Trick... the explanation gets smoother every time. But I told you nothing about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I do for most inquiries. but, honestly speaking, the Cortisol Trick is sufficient to keep us from actually committing murder and mayhem. but if you would like to give Self Therapy a try, that can be theoretically easy too. Remember just Three Words -- Review, Revise, Rehearse. The core idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that we DON'T have to understand WHY we are all screwed up, but that we Only have to deal with the Results. We all have Bad Habits, in Thought and Deed. We only have to REVIEW everything we DO and THINK for stuff that gets us into trouble. Once we spot some habit in thought or deed that gets us into trouble, well, then we think about how to REVISE it -- we think of other things we can Think or Do instead. and then we REHEARSE. We go over in our heads HOW we would want to Think about things, and how we would prefer to Act around people. You know, people are always saying "Just Be Yourself" and nobody wants to be "Phony" but our Brains are so amenable -- we can really be Anybody or Anything we want to be. It just takes Time and Practice. For instance, I am So Much Nicer than I was just 10 years ago. Nowadays people actually think I am a Nice Guy (but I did not learn all about Anger just out of intellectual curiosity). So REVIEW, REVISE, and REHEARSE actually work. If you would like to read some good Anger Management Books, Blue, then let me know. Oh, read some of my other posted replies, and see whether or not I have been short changing you.... I hope not... but just in case, it would be good to see what you are missing.



Thank you Leo
I would love it if you introduce some books to me actually , And reading you and other people’s answers on anger management sections was my plan haha.
I have one question thou , lets say i was able to control my anger and relax my muscles
What about the thoughts that will form in my head then? I tend to over think alot and then blame on myself and I end up deciding to take distance from the person who caused my thoughts , so they wont be thinking im weird or awkward or a monster
And thats not just for when I did something wrong! I have been single for a long time and the reason of that is that Im scared of actually loving someone , because i feel like I cant deal with being hurt so much emotionally.
Maybe this is why I hurt my sister and mother emotionally all the time , so if they hurt me Uts because I deserve it ?
Is that normal ? I feel like its not!
Maybe thats how my father feels !
How can I change that while im willing to change?
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#7

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:02 am

Hi Blue,

Yeah, I was thinking that I DID leave out something important. Yes, usually people mention right up front that when they get angry that their thoughts go berserk for a while. This is why I think it is crazy for people to get angry just “to blow off steam”, because with Anger comes a Ruined Day of Over Thinking everything (it sometimes takes 3 days for the Thoughts to quiet down). It is strange how Cortisol works, isn’t it? While you are in the midst of an Anger Episode (making a big noisy and semi-violent scene) it is like you can’t think at all. But when it is Over, then all you can do is THINK, when you would rather just like to forget about it. Anyway, All That is still the Cortisol. If you DON’T BLOW UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, there is nothing for your brain to really think about afterwards. I used to notice it with Driving While Angry. If you let somebody bother you enough to honk the horn and flip them off, then you will think about it for the whole rest of the rush hour. But if you just RELAX and let it go, then your thoughts simply return to the normal quiet. Indeed, I know that Anger can be devastating to Relationships, Careers, and one’s Popularity in Society, but if you didn’t care about any of that, then all the THINKING would be reason to work on Anger Management. For a lot of people, all the Thinking is the worst part of Anger for them. But basically, if you can Stay Calm at the time of Provocation, then you will Remain Calm. Those Thoughts will simply not occur to you.

Oh, the Books. My favorite Anger Management Author is Ronald Potter-Efron. He is a psychologist who has written a number of Anger Management Books, even a College Textbook! Some of his Big Hits are “Angry All the Time”, Letting Go of Anger”, “Rage”, and “Healing the Angry Brain”. There are other good authors out there, but just the one’s with Clinical Experience in Anger Management Therapy. Once you become familiar with the Literature you will discover ja great deal of New Age Crap written by people who are simply exploiting the Anger Management Market, and they really have no idea what is going on. They will say things like “Anger is Natural and so Anger is Healthy”. Well, duh! No Its Not! For Angry People like us NO Anger is Healthy. As you pointed out, Anger just disturbs our minds and stresses us out. Anything that we can do Angry, we can do better if we are Calm. Well, unless we are in a Jungle and have to actually fight a Bear to defend our Family – that is when the Cortisol would actually HELP. SO, until you have read a lot of Good Anger Management Books and have experience in having dealt successfully with your own Anger, don’t read any of that New Age crap. But then, when you are balanced and grounded, then pick up those Other Books and get to see where a lot of people out there have gotten their crazy and misguided notions about Anger from.

Oh, okay, that seems to be all for now… let me know, Blue, if you have any more questions.
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