Do you feel your neg. emotions ok/good enough with others?

Postby needtoaskothers » Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:37 am

Hi,

I am a 38 year old Norwegian man who can feel pretty great around others when feeling energetic, or when I challenge my fears socially and get a high from it, and can "give" this positive energy to others, but when I have negative emotions (sad, tired, etc), I feel worthless around others.
As if having needs of my own makes me worthless/needy.

My question is: If you don't feel this way, how do you view your negative emotions around others? How do you still feel as worthy with them as when you are happy?

I can highlight some more elements in this, but any answer to the above question alone will help me a lot:

  • Generally don't feel good enough, less than others
  • Don't feel that my needs are as important as others'
  • Withdraw from people when having neg. feelings - "nobody wants to know of me then"
  • I can get nice glances from girls, but if I were to approach them, I am too afraid they'll see I'm needy and reject me "when they find me out"
  • Normally I have a method, some cognitive idea to follow trying make it work anyway
    • e.g. "If I have social momentum, have a high social state, then they will like me", or
    • "If I show vulnerability, then they will like me".

    Following a concept like this gives a feeling of control, as opposed to approaching someone without knowing what I am doing,
    being totally exposed (I guess, actually vulnerable).
  • If I am dating someone I really like, I may look for confirmation that it's too good to be true, they don't really like me and push them away, to my great frustration/sadness right after.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 08, 2018 3:16 pm

You seek approval from others. That sets you up for highs and lows based on inaccurate perceptions of others. In other words, defining how you should feel based on trying to impress or please others sets you up for cyclical failure.

Why do think you seek approval from other people instead of seeking approval from yourself?

I feel negative emotions when I fail myself. My standard for approval that triggers my emotions is when I violate my own values.

For instance, if you don’t approve of my response I don’t care. Your approval or disapproval means nothing. But, sometimes I engage in conversations that don’t meet my personal standards I have set for myself. I feel negative emotions when I violate my own standards. Does that make sense?

This provides me a solid foundation which I have control over. I endeavor to be a better version of me today than I was yesterday as defined by me, no one else.

This allows me to handle the very normal pain of social rejection and failure in general. It allows me to even seek out rejection, to seek out failure and to celebrate failure.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 08, 2018 7:34 pm

Coincidence...reading some Nietzsche today and thought it apt for this particular thread.

It may be looked upon as the result of an extraordinary atavism, that the ordinary man, even at present, is still always waiting for an opinion about himself, and then instinctively submitting himself to it; yet by no means only to a “good” opinion, but also to a bad and unjust one
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