Relationship vs. job. Vs. income

Postby Peter1989 » Mon Apr 09, 2018 8:59 am

Hei guys, I am pretty messed up and don't really know how to follow up. small summary:i summary: i moved to my girlfriend after 5 years of relationship and know I wont be able to work what I studied when I stay. For now I am ok with it but for how long?

So my situation is as follows. I have been with Paula for 5 years we met in Italy during Erasmus. She's from Poland I am from austria.We head a long distance relationship for 3 ish years and for my master Thesis i moved for 5 months to Poland.

Then after long discussion we moved to Austria to the city I am from. In the first view months my sister and mother were not to welcoming to her and we were fighting a lot because of my family. My mom is manic depressed and was giving Paula a hard time.
The plan was to stay for a year to earn money for traveling and then travel and see where we end up. My GF started a internship (1300 dollar netto)but quit it for aone year language course paid by the state. I started to work as a teacher( 2200 dollar on hand) and after finishing the course she didn't find a job she liked.
So after 16 months in Austria we went for 4 months traveling.After traveling she went back to Poland because she wanted to make her career in her studies.She found a job in Poland ~780 $ on hands and I also moved because I wanted to be with her. I didn't find anything good as a teacher so I started to work on the office for payroll totally dull and about 900 dollers netto .

now after beeing here ~6 months I told her I want to go back to austria some time, but for now I am still happy to help her beeing with friends and family and her job and therefore staying.

but i cant ever work as a teacher here, where ever she has the possibilty to work in Austria( even paid better) and eventually in her profesion.

she went mad and told me I am egoistic and selfish. I may not earn as well and do what I studied and i have a income and save job as well as that her family accepts me.where she feels she was never accepted by mine and she felt cold around Austrian ppl. I love her and I want to make her happy but I can't imagine working a temp job for the rest of my life. I am I the egoistic donkey she thinks I am? Could there be a solution for us? I feel like being headed in a dead end
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Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 09, 2018 12:41 pm

Situations like this become a daunting task when you put people before yourself. Happiness is not something you sit down and agree to with another person. Happiness comes from within. It's based on contentment from where you presently stand or where you're headed with personal goals.

If you have what you want out of life, then a career is not what you actually seek. But if you feel incomplete, held back, and otherwise cornered into a life you do not desire (even if it's with a person you care for), then you have two choices - 1) You can resign yourself to this life and let the resentment build over time until that becomes the justification to leave or... 2) You can accept the fact that you care for this person but your paths lay in opposite directions.

Loving someone is never enough. You have to be able to live with them and cultivate your life as well. Anyone who says you should give up whats important to you to celebrate their goals is selfish and essentially making a value judgement on the relationship. If they no longer see your life as having its own merit and that somehow the sacrifice, compromise, and deficits of the relationship are strictly on your shoulders, then they're no longer invested. You're supposed to dummy up and follow them and just celebrate what they deem "worthy".

She has given you the "take it or leave it" offer. I think its time for you to decide what your life is worth to you. She has certainly made it clear what it doesn't mean from her position. You caring about her and having special moments is all good and fine. But you're dealing with today. You're setting the table for your future. Is this what you want? Did you go to school to defer your self-worth to someone else? I don't think so.

Many relationships have a self life, especially when you're young. Life is quite transient when you're out in the world trying to find yourself and a career. It's difficult to find two ambitious people who can keep all of that going the same direction and maintain the same commitment required to nurture that bond. It sounds like this relationship has been stretch and pulled in every direction that is conceivable. But now you've reached that moment when you have to ask yourself, "Does this really fit me?'" Doesn't sound like it. Sit down and assess your priorities and understand sometimes you need to make changes to take that next step. I wish you all the best.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Apr 09, 2018 12:43 pm

I've been in your situation...sort of. It wasn't a long distance relationship, but it was one of my first relationships and it lasted 5 years and we had a similar issue.

While dating we talked about all the things we wanted to do. Everything was a possibility. The world was our oyster.

Turns out, I wanted to travel the world and she wanted to live in the city where her parents lived. It wasn't that she lied to me or that I lied to her. It was that everything is possible in our heads. It is easy to fantasize about how something can work. There has to be a solution. Love conquers all, right?

No. Love doesn't conquer all. Love doesn't provide solutions to intractable problems. If one person wants a child and the other one doesn't...you can't love your way out of that one. If one person wants to live in Austria and the other Poland, you can't love your way out of that either.

Long distance relationships increase this issue. When all you can do is talk to each other, it is easy to mentally create solutions to whatever problem and say, "we will make it work". It is easy to fantasize solutions and say, "we will figure it out."

My relationship ended. Many years later, I am still traveling the world and she is still in the same city with her parents. We both got what we wanted.
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