9 months free of weed

Postby helenadoc » Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:35 pm

Hi. I'm a 23 year old female. I'm a med student and i am a marijuana addict.

My story starts on 10th of July last year when i quit smoking pot. Since then it's been a journey. The hardest thing i've ever been through in my life. I will try to explain everything as good as i can.

The first week after i stopped smoking i had my first panic attack. It was so intense and so organic, i thought i was gonna die. My arms and legs felt numb, my heart was racing, i couldn't breath, i thought i will pass out. I drove 1 hour to the hospital where my boyfriend was working to be examined. Everything was perfectly normal, obviously. I didn't want to admit it was a withdrawl symptom, and that everything was just in my head. But that visit to the hospital confirmed that for me.

After that, hell was unleashed upon me. I started to have extremely vivid dreams, nightmares and severe anxiety. I was never an axious person...maybe i should've started with how i was before smoking.

(I was a happy person, a cheerfull one. I used to enjoy a beautiful sunset or a song on the radio. When i love someone, i love with every cell in my body. Everything vibrates, everything is in motion. I live medicine, i never thought of doing anything else in my life. I loved to go out with my friends, to sit and chat with my mom. To go on trips to the mountain or seaside. I hate to wake up early in the morning, but after i do, i want to go on with my day. I was not a fearfull person, i didn't give a **** on a lot of silly problems people have. I used to enjoy life to the fullest, to have sex with my boyfriend 'till exhaustion and feel great after. I used to be a lot of things..)

Going back, to finish the story. That severe anxiety wouldn't let me breathe. It was thightening so bad that i had to control my respiratory movements to properly inhale. This lasted 2 weeks in which i couldn't breathe, sleep or eat. I was dead inside.

After that, the anxiety decreased for a couple of days and it felt great. I could breathe normaly. I started walking on the streets to keep that feeling of joy. I went to stay with my mom for a while, she was and is very supportive. I was honest to her from the begining and she was there every step of the way. I still couldn't sleep and i was very very tired. She had an idea, to take me to the seaside. We went for 4 days. The first 2 were very good. I almost felt normal again, i ate, still couldn't sleep enough and having really vivid dreams, bit my mood was ok. The next to 2 days were bad, again. We returned home. We are not living in the same city.

The next 2 weeks i started to sleep a bit longer. Anxiety was almost gone. My feelings came back, i felt happy with my boyfriend and my life. I thought it was over. I've never been so wrong in my life.

A wave of depresion came upon me. I cried for no reason. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep for more than 2 3 hours a night. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying 'cause i felt horrible. When i was waking up in the morning i had this thought "another day i have to get through. Another torment".

I went to the seaside for a week with my boyfriend. I could not find happines within me. I fel dull, lost. My brain was on fire, it was like a train going on with 350 km/h and i couldn't get off for one second. So many irational thoughts. And so many questions. Why is this happening, what is happening, why do i feel this way. I started to thing about breaking up with my boyfriend because i couldn't feel the love for him anymore. He was holding me in his arms and i was crying so hard and told him "i don't know why i'm feeling like this, i love you so much but i can't feel anything".

I was so depresed, even my mom panicked. Depresed, anxious, lost. Started questioning myself, my integrity, my feelings, my life. I felt like a horrible person towards my boyfriend who had done nothing else but being there for me, supporting me, loving me, and to my mom who was also there.

This lasted like a month or so, and i started seeking help. I talked to a psychiatrist and explained all my symptoms. Which helped me a lot. I need to understand things in order to get over them. 2weeks after that i felt normal again, with all my feelings back, my will of life. After that,my mood started to decline slowly. The anxiety came back, the depression came back, lack of energy, mi mind was again flooded with a 1000 thoughts a second. I was in hell again.

This thing went in stages. The anxiety, dullness, depresion, restlesness. And it all happened in summer vacation. In addition to all these symptoms was blurry vision for about 3 months, a fog clouding my mind.

I started school in october and i was afraid i couldn't study. Slowly the fog went away, and the blurry vision, also my memory became better and better everyday. I still couldn't feel sh** and i was still crying almost everyday. I started to rock at school and i couldn't feel the joy. Nothing.

Christmas came and i started to feel a bit better. I still had my bad days, but the good ones gave me a bit of hope. As the time went by i started to relax a bit and tried to feel life a bit more.

At the end of January my anxiety was gone, what was left was a knot in my throat. Then i had an amazing night with my boyfriend which gave me a biiig kickstart and i was almost fine. I loved to wake up in the morning again and everything was 90% normal.

I need to pinpoint some things: i was a casual smoker for about 2 years (once every 2 3 months) and after that 2 years everyday. 1 gram every day, splitted between me and my boyfriend. When i decided to stop, i just stopped. Not a single puff since then. 9 months sober.
I didn't and i don't have cravings. I thought about it in certain moments (like when the set was apropiate, for example on the beach, or in a quiet place away from people) but i never felt the need to do it. If someone rolls up a joint next to me i don't feel the need to smoke. I stay away if someone smokes because i don't want to inhale it. Not a single bit.
My memory is 100% back. I thought it would never be, but it is. It's even better. I remember things i couldn't before and i think faster.

The thing is, 2 months ago i had another panick attack. I was at my mothers home, alone in the house. I just woke up. It lasted 20 min and i cried at the end of it. I let it go by and tried not to think about it. A week later i had another one. I was getting my nails done, and right then and there i had it. I started shaking, and felt my mood was going down, fear going through my body. Since then, i slipped again in this depressed state of mind,i started crying again. And i'm desperate. I don't want to relive last summer. I was in a very very dark place and i don't wanna go back.

I need someone to tell me if they got themselves back 100% after this. Before these panick attacks i thought i was done, just going up with my life, but now i am down again and i don't know if i will ever be the same again. I'm afraid of permanent damage. I love being sober, to live life as it is. I don't want to be that person who sits on the couch high as **** and not doing things ever again. I will not touch weed ever again. But i need someone who has gone through this and came back the person they were before all of this.
I don't have problems with my memory, i have problems with my mood, my feelings, my emotional being.
helenadoc
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#1

Postby helenadoc » Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:43 pm

i can't feel love towards my boyfriend, content and satisfaction to my achievements...i don't feel happy, i feel depressed, like my life has taken a huge turn since i quit...i cry so hard when i remember the days when i was happy...and right now there is nothing wrong with my life...i am obssesed with getting better, feeling warm things but it seems like i am stuck...like smth is blocking me to get to the other side
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#2

Postby tokeless » Tue Apr 10, 2018 5:01 pm

Hi,
Perhaps you're over thinking things? You've quit and feel differently.. Why wouldn't you? Have you considered mindfulness to help you ground yourself in the now, to reconnect with your feelings and become aware of them instead of trying to work them out?
Well done for quitting so just try and reconnect with the present perhaps?
Best wishes
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#3

Postby helenadoc » Tue Apr 10, 2018 5:16 pm

hi and thank you for your reply.
yeah i tried to do that but it doesn't work. it's like the connection has been cut somehow. or maybe i don't know how to do it properly...i tried meditation too and no results. to be fair i'm not a patient person, never was, maybe thats why i can't make my mind still.
i only get to have just a few moments now and then of that feeling of love and content and it's not enough...before all this happend, no matter what happened, no mater how angry or down i was about smth, that connection was always there. now it's gone and it's driving me crazy.
helenadoc
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#4

Postby Bagobones » Tue Apr 10, 2018 7:47 pm

Hi Helenadoc

Good job girl! And the struggle is real! I know, I have been there.

Tokeless that answered you here does not believe in me and you. He dont believe the struggle is real. He thinks its hysteria and over exaggeration, because he did not have much reactions after quitting, and he is lacking the ability to "put himself in other peoples shoes". He is not alone in believing his reality is the only true reality... He can answer me about this here, but I will not answer him back. I am not trying to start a debate here...

Dont worry about it, you will find his types of arguements about this all over the internet.

The reason I found this place was that I was caught by supprise by the bad parts of quitting, and was told by people that what I was experiensing did not exist. That I was wrong.. That also included people i know that was smoking hard and quitted without problems...

So you are a med-student? I got some links to you that might help explain things. They are written in "medical language". I dont speak that language. I speak 5 other languages, but that one is too hard for me to learn... hehhe.. Maby you have better luck with it..

You can google: Deficits in striatal dopamine release in cannabis dependence

You will find a study that at least partly prove the "flatness" and the depression.. You can also google "endocannabinoid system quitting weed" and read the few articles that comes up, like this one..

And please continue posting, I find you and where your comming from with this very interesting..

Good luck and I am proud of you for quitting and being strong through this....
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#5

Postby Bagobones » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:11 pm

And yes, to answer your question, I feel 100% back and well again...
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#6

Postby tokeless » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:24 pm

He can answer me about this here, but I will not answer him back. I am not trying to start a debate here...

What could I possibly tell you that you don't seem to already know?
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#7

Postby helenadoc » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:35 pm

Wow thank you so much for your kind words bogobones. Kudos for your skills in learning languages :D i would love to do that but unfortunately i don't have the time :)))
I read about the endocanabinoid system and i will deff read the one with striatal release.
I talked to a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist and she sugested to follow a 1 month treatment with bupropion (is a dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor), but i am scared. It may resolve my chemical imbalance...but what do i do after i stop it? Will it be mantained on its own or i will get back from where i started? I refused any kind of medication throughout this period. I hope it will get better in time, it's true that patience isn't one of my virtues, but i'm hanging in there.
I am afraid that it will affect my relantionship...he is there for me, and kind and supportive. And i know he is the love of my life, but not being able to feel that anymore is so frustrating and i hope it will come back to me
helenadoc
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#8

Postby LondonScouse » Tue Apr 10, 2018 10:15 pm

If you are able to cry, it will come back to you. It just takes time. 9 months is not long enough sometimes.

If you can't cry, it is a different story
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#9

Postby Bagobones » Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:06 am

helenadoc wrote:Wow thank you so much for your kind words bogobones. Kudos for your skills in learning languages :D i would love to do that but unfortunately i don't have the time :)))
I read about the endocanabinoid system and i will deff read the one with striatal release.
I talked to a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist and she sugested to follow a 1 month treatment with bupropion (is a dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor), but i am scared. It may resolve my chemical imbalance...but what do i do after i stop it? Will it be mantained on its own or i will get back from where i started? I refused any kind of medication throughout this period. I hope it will get better in time, it's true that patience isn't one of my virtues, but i'm hanging in there.
I am afraid that it will affect my relantionship...he is there for me, and kind and supportive. And i know he is the love of my life, but not being able to feel that anymore is so frustrating and i hope it will come back to me


:) I was dragged around the globe by my parents when i was a kid, so I did not have a choice.. hehe..

I was put on SSRI (Lexapro), serotonine reuptake inhibitor, but asked my doc to get me off them again soon after. My gut feeling told me its a "easy solution" for the doctors sometimes. Without knowing, I think those things should be last resort, after everything else is explored. I had f..cked up my chemicals in the first place, so I could not see how more messing with them would solve anything. It seems we have kind of the same "train of thoughts" around medication..

I lost a very good woman during my quit. She tried and tried, but the dead body with a puls she was trying to date, did not understand it. hehehe. She thought I was not interested. Thats how "flat" I was at the worst. So now I live with the regretts and she is pregnant with another dude...

In my experience it all comes back. I now have a much closer relationship with my loved ones, and I have more love for people around me in general. I smile more, laugh harder and love life more than i ever did...

So will you eventually future doctor..
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#10

Postby helenadoc » Wed Apr 11, 2018 9:07 am

LondonScouse yes. I cry a lot. When i remember how was i like before all this, when i look at my bf and not feeling what i'm suppose to feel, when i see a love scene in a movie, when my mom looks at me with those sweet eyes and i can see she is so proud of me, but i cannot value myself for what i have achieved. I think i cried my whole life out in these 9 months :))))
The thing that i feel most is pain. When i think about how happy i was, i feel like my heart is going to split, like it's torn apart.
2 weeks ago i was at my house with some friends and "despacito" came on tv :)) the moment i heard it, it took me back in time before all this happened and i started crying so bad i couldn't breathe. That was one of the moments when i wanted to smoke. It was this intense urge because quitting made me so sad and bitter and i thought it would make me feel good. I resisted it and it went away pretty fast.
helenadoc
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#11

Postby helenadoc » Wed Apr 11, 2018 9:18 am

Bogobones yes, i feel like a shell. But you gave me hope. And all of these people that share their story and give you support from experience are like fresh air. I tried so hard to find people that quit for good and talk to them and i didn't until i found this forum. You are very kind and now i don't feel alone anymore. At least you people understand what we are going through and can give us some insight and help when we need it the most. I felt like an egoistical bitch because i thought i couldn't love anymore. But you gave me hope, you really did and i thank you for that. I think it will come back to me, but i need more time apparently.
The thing is i thought that i'll be good by now, given the fact that 9 months went by, and that i didn't think that weed can change a person so much. I hate myself for what i have done to me and my family. But time heals and i hope i'll find myself again. Now i know it is a long process from what i've read in here.
helenadoc
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