Will my depressed partner ever come back?

Postby kiki13 » Wed Apr 11, 2018 2:20 pm

I met this guy on a dating app a while back. We talked all day and met 2 days later. He thought I was beautiful. And when I met him he was so nervous his heart was beating so fast and his hand was sweaty when we held hands. He completely melts when I speak in my native language as well.

Things went well during our first meeting. Originally, it was supposed to only be a fling (because that was what I was looking for), but we ended up talking at a coffee shop and realising that we were a pretty good match for each other. We have way too many similarities and he said any guy would be lucky to have me as a girlfriend.

Unfortunately, during the past few weeks, I've been losing him.

The more we talked, the more i noticed that something was wrong. He kept saying things like "what if my plane crashes?" and "what if you can never see me again?". As someone who has suffered from depression for many years, i managed to pick up that the same thing was happening to him. A lot of sh** was happening and it probably stressed him out to the point of depression. And when i saw his twitter, i noticed that he had retweeted things about depression.

He told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years only in October last year and he still seemed to be affected by it. That plus a whole lot of other stuff must have driven him into depression, and i could understand that.

However, 2 weeks ago, he disappeared from me for a week. He told me that he was going to have to go into the jungle for army training for 2 days, but after that he didnt contact me back. I was worried something had happened to him so i tried really hard to contact him, but he had me blocked everywhere. I couldnt even call him.

After that he came back and apologised. He admitted that he has depression and that was why he disappeared from me. Of course, i was understanding and took him back.

Things were going well last week, we kept contacting each other throughout the day. He even said that he wanted to marry me after i graduate, and I was ok with that. I was willing to marry him.

But then, on Saturday night, he suddenly told me that he couldnt do it anymore. He thanked me and told me to move on. When I asked him about when he said he wanted to marry me, he said that he still wants to, except maybe when we're more mature and more ready. He even told me that his friend was into me.

Here's what i dont understand: he wants to marry me, he still does, but he thinks i deserve better and wants me to move on. I can understand that depression can make you feel worthless, but why would he ask me to move on when he still hopes that I would be his wife, even to the point of being a wingman for his friend?

I dont want to lose him. I do want to marry him. He has come to be a big part of my life and a reason why i can be smiling to myself throughout the day. i dont want to have to abandon someone i care for, especially when theyre in need because thats how all of my relationships go. When i care for someone, i keep them close forever unless they do something to really mess up the relationship. that's why i have a hard time simply "moving on" from him.

Sorry this was really long, I just have a hard time understanding the logic.

TL;DR my partner is depressed and wants me to move on, but he also says that he still wants to marry me. I cant understand the logic behind his words. will he eventually come around? i can understand where he's coming from and im willing to be patient with him, i just dont understand what hes trying to say. Is this "goodbye forever" or "see you soon"?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:23 pm

kiki13 wrote:However, 2 weeks ago, he disappeared from me for a week. He told me that he was going to have to go into the jungle for army training for 2 days, but after that he didnt contact me back. I was worried something had happened to him so i tried really hard to contact him, but he had me blocked everywhere. I couldnt even call him.

Things were going well last week, we kept contacting each other throughout the day. He even said that he wanted to marry me after i graduate, and I was ok with that. I was willing to marry him.

But then, on Saturday night, he suddenly told me that he couldnt do it anymore.



2 weeks ago he wants nothing to do with you. He blocks you. Then, less than 2 weeks ago he says he wants to marry you, then he ends it again.

Your response, “Sounds great, let’s get married.”

The only reason he is a big part of your life is because you stalk him. You have latched on and no matter how far he runs away you keep pursuing. Why?

A common way people avoid addressing their own problems is to find something else to blame. “Depression” becomes the justification, the 3rd party that becomes the focus. You are healthy, he is healthy, the relationship would be perfect, but for this bad actor depression.

You need to take a big step back and address your unhealthy mental state. You need to consider addressing your low self-esteem. You need to address the low self-respect you have for yourself.
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#2

Postby kiki13 » Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:43 pm

Actually, i forgot to mention that he had mentioned wanting to marry me before that. After disappearing wasnt the first time he had mentioned it. Anyway, what made you think i have low self-respecr for myself? I didnt stalk him, i was worried because i know what he had been going through.
It is true that people push others away when they have depression, and i can see that he really may have depression. Whats wrong with wanting to check in on someone?
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#3

Postby kiki13 » Wed Apr 11, 2018 3:50 pm

I also forgot to mention that he said we can remain friends and that i can contact him anytime. I see that hes trying to give me an open avenue to keep in touch with him still, though i wont do so too often because i know he needs his space
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 11, 2018 4:17 pm

kiki13 wrote: Anyway, what made you think i have low self-respecr for myself?


There is no need to agree with me. It is only my opinion based on years of seeing this exact same pattern. This forum is littered with threads of "Depressed partner treats me like crap..what can I do to fix him?"

You allow a person to treat you poorly. They can treat you however they wish without consequence.

You can interpret this as strength or resilience if you wish. That is how many choose to interpret the situation. It isn't that they are being disrespected, it is just a person beating them up again and again due to their depression.

They often times fail to consider that the person might just be a disrespectful jerk with depression as icing on the cake. They dismiss any jerk or disrespectful behavior as "depression". This gives jerks free license to block you, delete you, ignore you, and basically behave as jerks with the depression as their hall pass.

This cycle repeats itself. The person treats you poorly again and again. In just the first post you have multiple instances of being treated in a way that you need to explain away. It can't be him. He is a great guy. He is your future husband. We must find something else to blame for him treating me so poorly.

Ultimately, just because this forum is littered with similar threads of people that allow their partners to disrespect them again and again in the name of depression, doesn't mean you are not the exception to the rule.

As offered, you don't need to agree with me. You can see allowing yourself to be treated poorly repeatedly by this person as attributed only to depression and nothing else.
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#5

Postby Leesh18 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 4:25 am

I know this is an old post but Richards response made an impact on me.

I was in the same spot. Ex blamed his depression for a break up. I let him lead me on for 5 weeks afterwards and then he started to distance himself.

I went overseas to clear my head from the break up (September). While there I confronted him about a text I saw the day we broke up. He promised that it was nothing. I told him that I didn’t want to accuse him or anything but had to find out for myself for my own sanity. This was 2 months after the break up and I was driving myself insane from overanalysing everything.

5 days later was when he started to block me on social media. First Instagram, a week later Facebook. I asked him and he said that it was on the advice of his doctor to distance himself from social media. Ha! Then why was I the only one he deleted. What a lie! Then he unblocked me on Facebook in October and unfriended a mutual friend. At this stage I hadn’t spoken to him since I asked about Facebook. I went through situational depression and had deactivated my facebook so he couldn’t block me again.

In November I sent him a quick text about a present he got me at the beginning of the year. He responded positively and straight away.

Later in November I had so much hurt in me about what had happened a couple of weeks before the break up and afterwards that I sent an email. It wasn’t nasty. During the whole time I kept my thoughts to myself as I didn’t want to upset him. Silly of me! So I just got some things off my chest and told him how wonderful he was etc. 2 days later he removed the rest of our mutual friends from Facebook. A couple of weeks later I updated my employment on LinkedIn. He then removed the connection from there.

That was it from me. After everything he did to me, it only became more and more clear that he is very emotionally unstable. He made promises before the break up that he broke. I put up with a lot and he is acting like I am the worse person in the world. I have come to realise that I deserve better than what I have been getting from him. I always wanted to make him happy but I forgot about my needs. When I stood up for myself, he distanced himself further. I won’t accept him back into my life until he becomes emotionally stable, which will be a long way away. You set the standard of how you let someone treat you. Even though this man hasn’t been in my life for a few months, he was still hurting me by these actions.
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#6

Postby Candid » Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:18 am

Leesh18 wrote:I have come to realise that I deserve better than what I have been getting from him. I always wanted to make him happy but I forgot about my needs. When I stood up for myself, he distanced himself further. I won’t accept him back into my life...


Wise words, Leesh.

... until he becomes emotionally stable.


How would you ever trust him, after this?

How much better to find someone who treats you well from the start, and remains consistent.
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#7

Postby Leesh18 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 7:55 am

If I am honest with myself, I don’t think I can trust that he will be. He hasn’t shown that he has wanted to get better. He takes his medication on and off, just like he sees his psych on and off.

If he came back, it’ll be on his terms. Just like this whole thing has been. I don’t think I could accept that. I pull him up on one thing and he distances himself. He Continually hurts me and it doesn’t seem like he sees fault in his behaviour.
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#8

Postby Candid » Wed Dec 19, 2018 8:06 am

So, you know you deserve better. You know you allowed his needs to override your own. You have a proviso for him coming back, which he continues to flout. Things between you have always been on his terms. He continually hurts you.

Why are we even talking about him?

Just as Richard suggested to the OP, I'm going to suggest to you that you block him in every way possible and find someone better. But first figure out why you were attracted to this kind of treatment in the first place. It's a lousy predictor of long-term happiness.
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