afraid of being connected to people

Postby Dieta » Sat Apr 14, 2018 2:56 am

every day i go through life with hardships because of my inability to effectively communicate and connect with people. every day i wish i could talk more and express my feelings but something is holding me back. i talk to people like as if its my first time talking to them, i can not progress in relationships, i feel like i am starting over and over again i don't know what to do. i have few friends that i catch up with sometimes but i don't feel free with them either, our relationship is not authentic for that reason i don't really have much fun with them. i cant speak my mind i just go along with what they say and by the end of the day i come back home feeling really bad about myself. i am a very sensitive person, i don't like to make others feel bad and when i see someone purposely trying to make me feel down about myself i feel very hurt and upset and this has happened to me a lot of times. i don't know what to do to change that. i want to be able to express my feelings and have a meaningful relationships but i don't know if i will ever be able to do that. can anyone please help?

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#1

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 14, 2018 7:33 am

You don't mention your family, Dieta -- your parents and any siblings you may have. How are your relationships with them?

If for whatever reason you were not able to bond with your primary caregivers -- ie. your parents -- it's likely you have an attachment disorder. https://www.attachment.org/reactive-att ... -disorder/
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#2

Postby jessicapuppy » Sat Apr 14, 2018 12:18 pm

I agree with Candid, that it would be helpful to know what your family relationships are like.
Self Love usually plays a significant role in our interactions with others. How do you feel about you? Do you like you? How do you think that others feel about you?
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#3

Postby Dieta » Sat Apr 14, 2018 12:44 pm

Thank you so much for responding to me Candid and Jessica.

To be honest I don't know if I like myself enough. When I was a very little one lady said to me that broke my heart which stayed with me till this day. She said to me " I can't believe you are already a big girl already, your family were very unhappy when you were born". From that day on I felt like I didn't really belong there and I acted as such, like always wondering and feeling lonely. To make things worse my sister said similar thing to me, we were playing and when we had a fight she said to me "you know our family don't even like you." And again that broke my heart. I felt everyone was more important than I was, even when someone came to our house I thought they had more right to be in the house than me. I think those feelings grew up with me even though my family did provide me with things they had even though it wasn't enough.
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#4

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 15, 2018 7:53 am

What you describe is more common than most people realise.

I don't want to overburden you with links, but from the sound of things you were the family scapegoat, the one who carried the blame for all the family's dysfunction. It might help you to google that, and to realise how much your place in your family of origin has affected you.
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#5

Postby Dieta » Sun Apr 15, 2018 10:02 am

"from the sound of things you were the family scapegoat, the one who carried the blame for all the family's dysfunction."

yes u described it well, if anything went wrong i thought it was because of me.

i had a look at the attachment disorder article and some of the symptoms do resonate with me like:
poor peer relationships, parents appearing hostile and angry, sometimes superficially engaging and charming...

but is there anything i can do to change this situation

thanks
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#6

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 15, 2018 10:53 am

Have you had someone you could talk to about what went on, or have you had to carry this burden alone?

As you know, the worst thing about being poorly treated in your family of origin is how it affects you relationally. The cure has to be relational, as well, and that usually means therapy. You need to find someone trained in dysfunctional family dynamics, preferably free of charge because you could be with her or him for some time. Only in a fully supportive relationship such as the therapeutic one can you learn healthier ways of coping, passing the developmental milestones you missed out on because your needs didn't matter to your caregivers.
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#7

Postby Dieta » Sun Apr 15, 2018 11:25 am

"Have you had someone you could talk to about what went on, or have you had to carry this burden alone?"

i carried this burden on my shoulders for years, without really releasing what it exactly was because i suppressed those feelings and it was buried deep in me.. its only now days that i am really bringing those thoughts to my conscious mind as dig deeper and deeper to figure out why i feel the way i feel. i thought i was strong and those things from such a long time ago wouldn't affect me but i now know i was wrong. Because those feelings of loneliness and worthlessness never fail to creeping in when i am least expecting them.
yes i think i have to consider therapy....even though i am a bit scared.
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#8

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 15, 2018 11:44 am

Yes, burying it is the normal reaction, because you certainly couldn't talk to your immediate family about it. But yes, sooner or later you have to deal with it. It isn't a sign of weakness to need to talk to someone openly and honestly.

You might feel less scared if you have a look at some of Pete Walker's work, starting with http://pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm.
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#9

Postby Dieta » Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:37 am

sure I will check that out.

Thanks Candid
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#10

Postby jessicapuppy » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:09 am

Usually, in order to change our relationships with others, we need to start by looking inwards. Just my opinion.

I think therapy would be a really good idea, IF you can find a therapist who knows what they are doing.
There are therapists out there who can make things worse, so take you time & research the therapist.
If you feel at any point like the therapist is blaming you, get out & find another one.
It's unlikely to happen, but I just want you to know that you deserve someone who will listen & not blame.

If you feel that your parents are narcissistic, for example, then any advice given to you about healing relationships with them, will not apply. Therapists who are not well versed in narcissism or ASPD, for example, may try to encourage you to build bridges, when in actual fact, that can be dangerous with relatives who have such a condition.
It's likely quite daunting that you are at the start of this healing path, but I think you will learn a lot & come out the other side, feeling glad that you did it.

Just remember that you are not to blame for any of this, & you are brave & wise in reaching out, & wanting to change your situation.

I hope that comes across as it is meant, & doesn't sound patronising.

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#11

Postby Dieta » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:46 am

Thanks Jess!

Yea I agree with you. I think until I fix the root problem I don't think I can ever truly heal that's why I am considering a therapy now. I have been to therapy in the past but I don't think I had shared enough with them. I was only telling them what i was going through at that time and not really that much about my childhood. I didn't think what I was told when I was a little kid was affecting me until now, so I didn't really used to tell them because I thought I would sound stupied. The first time I saw a therapist it was very hard for me I felt more depressed than I was, I would cry each time I went and felt like nothing was changing. Then another time (a year or two after the first one). I went again and this time I started opening up a little and it helped a lot but I don't think we really got to the bottom of the problem. This time I am thinking to open up more and tell it all because I don't think it works otherwise.
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#12

Postby jessicapuppy » Mon Apr 16, 2018 11:03 am

If you're in a position to, I'd suggest finding a psychologist who's versed with things like Cluster B personality disorders, not because I think that YOU have such a thing, but because they tend (again, in my opinion, & having similar things happen in my childhood to what you describe) to be more aware of the sorts of things I think that may apply to your situation (perhaps to your parents, but just speculation at this point). I'm only suspecting so, based on the small amount of information I have, but I think you'd get the most benefit from a therapist who is more experienced in that area. Yes, it's a generalisation, but I'm trying to ensure that you don't just go to a general counselor, who is unlikely (IMO) to grasp the full picture, here.
I guess I'm saying this because of my own personal experience with 'therapists' who made things worse, or were just totally inadequate for my situation.
Counselors are trained to listen. Some may have personal interest in or experience of complex disorders, but rarely.
It can also take time to find a therapist you can open up to. It's unrealistic to think you can bare your soul to a total stranger. Don't worry if it doesn't happen, & don't be afraid to change therapists, because they just don't do it for you. You deserve one that feels right to you.
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#13

Postby jessicapuppy » Mon Apr 16, 2018 7:17 pm

I also think that the very fact that you feel sensitive, & recognise pain & emotion, means that you have a very good chance of changing things, to be the way you want them.
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#14

Postby Dieta » Tue Apr 17, 2018 7:51 am

Thanks Jess

Yes I really do want things to change, today i called a cancelling service to make appointment and they booked me in for 2 weeks later. I don't know how experienced/ good the therapist will be. I don't know how to pick a good one for me. I am feeling very anxious and more depressed when thinking of seeing a therapist but I know I have to do this so I am going to.
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