afraid of being connected to people

#15

Postby Candid » Tue Apr 17, 2018 9:03 am

As Jess has pointed out, the only definition of a 'good' therapist is one who makes you feel comfortable. She should spend the first session gaining your trust and taking an overview of your life so far.

I hope the word 'forgiveness' in that link I gave you didn't put you off looking at Pete Walker's site, because he warns against what he calls premature forgiveness and makes it clear that some familial abuses are unforgivable.

An extract from another page of his:
"The genesis of complex PTSD is most often associated with extended periods of ongoing physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood. My observations however convince me that ongoing extremes of verbal and/or emotional abuse also cause it. Moreover as an upcoming article on my website will explicate, long-term childhood emotional neglect alone can also create complex PTSD and a propensity to emotional flashbacks."
~ http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html#complexPTSD

Pete specialises in Complex PTSD which, in case you haven't heard of it, bears a close resemblance to PTSD-simple or combat fatigue. C-PTSD comes about through interpersonal trauma whereas PTSD-simple involves a life-threatening event or natural disaster. C-PTSD's toughest feature is that it affects people relationally, as you expressed in your first post.

I hope you'll be lucky with the therapist you've booked to see. If she says anything that feels off to you, I hope you'll screw up your courage and say so. She might be able to reassure you. If not, and certainly if she seems offended, you'll know this is one to strike off your list. In that case you'll need to ask her to refer you to someone else. There's no point trying to have relational therapy with someone who's not up to the job.

When you made the appointment, did the person ask for a brief summary of your problem?
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#16

Postby Dieta » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:05 am

Thanks Candid.

Yes I read the Pete walker's article on forgiveness, I am going to read it again but so far what I am understanding from the article is that we can't fake forgiveness, it has to come from our heart and that may take time, learning about the situation you are in (eg. Learning why I had a poor upbringing)...
Then we might develope compassion and understanding that may help us to forgive.

When booking appointment the person didn't really ask me much.
In this case it looks like the only way to find out if she is a good fit for me is by having to go there and seeing it.

Thanks
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#17

Postby Candid » Tue Apr 17, 2018 10:55 am

Is this free counselling or do you have to pay?
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#18

Postby Dieta » Tue Apr 17, 2018 1:04 pm

It's free
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#19

Postby Candid » Tue Apr 17, 2018 1:39 pm

Good!
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#20

Postby ScottsdaleHypnosis » Tue Apr 24, 2018 7:35 am

Dieta,

Spend 5 minutes a day, connecting with a stranger somewhere. (Of course, be safe, and not meeting internet people or something.) But in a grocery store, at the library, etc. You have to share something personal (don't dump on him) and allow him/her to share something. Do it every day. 5 minutes. Eventually, you'll find yourself practicing your communication skills. Be a friend if there is an opportunity and visit a Toastmasters Club, to practice getting to know a safe group to support you. They are very understanding and nice folks. Sure, go to a psychologist or the therapist of your choice. Meanwhile you'll be moving on with exercises that will improve your connection with others. You can journal your improvements.
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#21

Postby Candid » Tue Apr 24, 2018 7:56 am

... and what Candid particularly liked about it was the last two sentences, the upbeat assumption that there will be improvements. Good stuff!
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#22

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Apr 25, 2018 4:13 pm

Candid
I didn't notice the word 'Forgiveness' in what you had recommended, so I'm sorry if it looked like I was questioning what you'd suggested. I wasn't :)
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#23

Postby Dieta » Sun May 20, 2018 4:53 am

An update since I stated therapy….
so i started therapy and still attending. going into therapy i knew i had a problem but i didn't know how much i was holding onto. when i started opening up about my past experiences i started crying out loud and couldn't control it. i think its helping me because some of the thing i thought that were such a big deal in the past are now not much of a big deal and i am learning to get over it. however there are somethings that i am still too ashamed of talking with my therapist and haven't talked about though i think they could be contributing to some of my problems as i am still holding onto them. as a kid i was sexuality abused; i was being touched and was always exposed to sexual talks. could these be affecting me now? i don't know if i should tell my therapist i feel extremely awkward to talk about it. the most horrible thing is that i did to someone younger than me what was being done to me, i thought it was normal thing to do. now i understand how horrible that is and, there is no day i go without how regretful i am of what i did to the other person. i would have never done it if i knew what i know now. even though that happened to me as well, i care about what i did to the other person more than what happened to me. i don't know if i can ever get over this, i think i am going to live with this for the rest of my life. i am so ashamed and guilty of what that person might be feeling now. i am always thinking to myself 'i wander if that person remember it, i wounder if its affecting them now in their life. i wish i can undo this but this is unrealistic to say. this person was a family member... i don't know if i should mention all these horrible things to the therapist or just leave it as i don't even know how i would get it out of my mouth.
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#24

Postby Candid » Sun May 20, 2018 9:09 am

Dieta wrote:as a kid i was sexuality abused; i was being touched and was always exposed to sexual talks. could these be affecting me now?


Yes, definitely. You need to talk to your therapist about that. Don't be afraid, because a) your therapist has heard it all before; and b) the shame belongs to the person or people who exploited you, not to you.

i did to someone younger than me what was being done to me, i thought it was normal thing to do.


In a sense you're right. It is normal for abused children to abuse children younger than themselves. It's called acting out.

i care about what i did to the other person more than what happened to me.


You need to talk to your therapist about this, exactly the way you've told it to us. You've already had the experience of feeling better after opening up in therapy, so you can be reasonably certain it'll be a good thing to get this stuff out in the open, so the shame and guilt stop crippling you.

i don't even know how i would get it out of my mouth.


Therapy isn't a soft option, but it's very healing to have a wise companion validate your feelings and reassure you your reactions were/are entirely normal. The words -- your words -- are already here.
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#25

Postby Dieta » Tue May 22, 2018 6:06 am

Thanks Candid, I will try my best to open upto therapiest. Because I do think those experiences are probably contributing to my everyday confusion.
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#26

Postby Dieta » Tue May 22, 2018 6:13 am

Thanks Scott,

ScottsdaleHynosis wrote:
Spend 5 minutes a day, connecting with a stranger somewhere. (Of course, be safe, and not meeting internet people or something.) But in a grocery store, at the library, etc. You have to share something personal (don't dump on him) and allow him/her to share something. Do it every day. 'l.


Wow this would probably be very effective but I feel so scared just by thinking about it. however I will consider doing that if I get enough courage.
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#27

Postby moondaddy1 » Tue May 22, 2018 11:43 am

Hi Dieta, great that you're exploring the possibilities that professional and appropriate therapy can do for you though it seems that you still have a way to go with it so whatever you do don't give up.

If you really want to change then you can and you will.
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#28

Postby Dieta » Tue May 22, 2018 8:58 pm

[quote="moondaddy1" whatever you do don't give up.

If you really want to change then you can and you will.[/quote]

Thanks moondaddy1, it means a lot. Right now I am going through rough time and everything feels pointless but I am trying to work through things so I can gain clarity in my life.
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