I Don't Understand

Postby Lystra Kaine » Mon Apr 16, 2018 10:34 am

I'm probably overreacting or being whiny but I can't seem to stop hating my mum.

I know that since I am a daughter I'm supposed to love her, but I can't seem to find it in my heart to forgive her. I am sixteen years old, in a boarding school and whenever I come home all she does is hurt me. She doesn't hit me or abuse me, but she does make me feel worthless.

Since I am not particularly comfortable with my body and don't feel comfortable with going into the pool or going to those public bathtubs in those Asian places naked I tell her no. But whenever I tell her I don't want to, she tells me to get over it and that being fat isn't that bad. I am 5'2 and 44kg which is normal I guess, but whenever she says that I just feel so bad I tend to lose my appetite. What's funny though is that she is morbidly obese. She is 5'4 and 106kg. Maybe she is making me feel bad so she doesn't feel bad? But she tends to expose herself and not care about what others think, but I can't judge since I don't know how she feels inside.

Once we had an argument and she told me to never call her mum again, and that she was never my mum. I didn't know what to do so I shut myself away in my cupboard. Being in tight spaces brings me comfort whenever I've done something wrong or I'm sad. She told me that I should be sorry for being accusing her of being horrible because it was my fault for doing something wrong. She always acts like the victim and whenever I try to explain to my dad, he looks the other way. I am hot tempered, but I've never hit her. When I do something wrong she threatens to hit me but never does.

A few months ago I wanted to kill myself. I just got so bad I couldn't take it anymore. I had enough and I was so sick and tired of her. That may sound overdramatic but its the constant berating and mocking, the detachment and lack of caring that made me feel so bad. So when the police saved me and mum and I were talking she claimed that I was, "Pretending to want to commit suicide" and, "You're just trying to prove that you're a teenager" - and that made me feel even worse.

I'm probably being stupid. All mothers are probably like that and I should be lucky to even have a mum. But sometimes I see other people's mum's doing even the little things that my mum doesn't do and it makes me feel worthless.

I admit, I can be a horrible person sometimes. I'm selfish and useless, but I'm just trying to maintain my grades and keep my dad happy until I can leave. Right now I feel like maybe I deserve it.

My mom told me, "I was depressed, but then someone who cared cured me in a week. You just need to get over yourself" so maybe I made her depressed? Maybe it wasn't really her talking it was the depression. I don't really get how depression works but I thought that maybe her depression made her be so horrid.

Sorry. This probably makes no sense.
Lystra Kaine
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Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 16, 2018 1:36 pm

I have two rules in life - I only control myself and I do not let others influence me. Tough duty when you're sixteen, but never too early to start learning the discipline. Nothing in life will service you better, I can assure you.

Controlling yourself means you start learning to be accountable for everything you say and do. You are the author of your own actions. No one "makes" you this person. You pick actions and words to deflect what is happening around you. It's far easier to see the flaws in others if we are only measuring according to what we chose to see. But to be accurate and accountable means you have to pull that lens back on every perspective and see yourself in that moment.

Are the things you say and do playing a role in how they react to you? If you feel your behavior is "earned" then you're saying that other people control who you are. That's saying you don't want accountability for yourself. Going through life making everything a pissing contest where if they suck, you suck, is a great a great recipe for unhappiness. Start defining space and who operates in it. You operate in your own space. So what you say and how you react are completely your choice. Only you have license over your behavior.

If someone, like your mom, starts saying or doing things (unprovoked) that are personal attacks on you, then let her own them. Those are HER actions and words. Start treating your identity like the front door of your home. If you see someone outside knocking who wants to come in and hurt you, would you open the door and let them? Probably not. So start using that same analogy when it comes to words. Quit owning what other people say. Quit acting like you need to answer for them or defend yourself. When you do that, you're saying their words have merit because you opened that door inside yourself and let them hit you.

If someone says bad things to you which were not a response to anything you said or did, then realize those are bad choices on their part and tell them, " I can't agree with what you're saying. But if that's how you feel, I will leave you alone. " Make THEM accountable for their actions, not by fighting them but by keeping them at arm's length. When you do that, it not only enables you to make them accountable, but you start checking yourself to make sure you're saying and doing the right things too.

So change your perspective on what it is you see in life. Look at yourself and others in every moment and be realistic about what is happening. Be responsible for your actions and don't engage in arguments that are designed only to inflict pain. When you start seeing what it is you are doing, then you can better assess what others are doing when they enter your space. Are they coming in just to say and do bad things without you doing anything? Then keep them out of your space until they can refrain from acting so poorly. BE the person you would want them to be which means being careful about what you say and not responding when you feel emotional. Walk away before you say things you know you shouldn't. Learn self control and then start controlling who you let into your space. Life will be much happier when you have the key to that door.
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