Profoundly sad

Postby Maxx » Thu Apr 19, 2018 3:50 am

Sorry for the long post. I just need to get this out.

I've been clinically depressed and had some pretty big anxiety issues after the family business went from top 10% of local well-to-dos into bankruptcy in 6mths, and I had to deal with all the fallout, and then with being totally broke. Did the medical advice. Talked to the therapist. Took the meds. Did some hard yards. Managed to come out the other side, relatively unscathed, grateful, and in awe of those who have it worse than I did. Still clambering back to 'normal' but far closer than I've been in a decade.

I'm a horsey girl first most, and we have a range of other types of companion animals too. I work in the vet industry. Horses have been really therapeutic to me, all my life. Something me and my daughters do together. We've travelled to shows all over the countryside.

Last year, I was well enough to come off my meds, and having been living a "Normal Life" even answering the phone when it rang! (Massive step for mankind!).

There's a saying, in rural communities. If you have livestock, you have deadstock. Its a nod to the law of averages, I guess. And we've lost our share. Its hard. Its hard being involved in the death of a client's pet, let alone your own. Never gets easier. Late last year the number 1 horse got ill. Like really ill. I knew it was coming, and we made it past Christmas but then had to make that decision all horse owners dread. I knew what was coming, braced for it, the grief. Embraced it really. Family around me, they all knew too. We spent a week grieving. She sure was special to us, and had been a part of our life for almost two decades. But I can't get past it. I'm just so profoundly sad. Even now, 3mths on, if I let myself, I'm in tears. I can't look at photos without a massive lump in my throat and welling up. Can't talk about her. See her harness, rugs and other stuff belonging to her and am hurt.

I suppose I feel this is the end of the line for horses in a way - they've been my life forever. I made a conscious choice to concentrate on competitive driving over riding, and only ever drove this one pony. We have others on our ranch, one in particular I should be working on as the replacement, but I can't do it. I'm turning away from it.

That's a whole different kettle of fish. I feel as though I no longer have support at home. I need other people to help me with the young one, but I don't feel like the family trusts the new horse. Its causing stress on my relationships with them, so I stop asking. Its easier. My sadness deepens.

I don't think I'm anxious or depressed, certainly not like I was, but the death has had a massive impact on my reliance and I find myself more and more reclusive. I work from home, so I don't see many people on a daily basis anyway. I hear this inspirational, cheerful, successful person talking to clients, but then when I hang up, its so plastic, not the real me.

Competing was a major part of my social life. You live in a small country, and travel to events where you see the same people, with shared interests. Now that's gone, the horse has gone, friends have gone, I'm withdrawing more and more, and just feel so incredibly sad.
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Postby Candid » Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:26 am

Maxx wrote: I hear this inspirational, cheerful, successful person talking to clients, but then when I hang up, its so plastic, not the real me.

Actually it is you -- the new, professional you who's paid the price for being emotionally involved. You've had some hard knocks but this professional you is yours to keep, not a fake. It's who you want to be seen as, who you want to be. I'm sure you know the old saying, fake it until you make it. That's what you're doing. That's what will carry you through.

I'm sorry for your losses. I've had my share, too, been on the floor after losing my home and my expected retirement income in my early 40s. Somehow we pick ourselves up and keep going, realising it hasn't killed us and we've discovered new depths to ourselves.
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