Postpartum Depression?

Postby karin12414 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:05 pm

Okay,
So I have a beautiful, almost two years old daughter, a loving, hardworking husband, and a great stable job right now. Everything couldn't be going better for me at this point in my life, so why do I still feel so damn pathetic?

I go through my daily routine usually feeling alright and I'm very productive at work but I find myself just getting stuck on a depressing thought and I can't seem to get away from it until I am just sitting there in silence while my husband calls my name 4 times and I don't hear it a single time.

I try really hard to listen and make sure I am not neglecting him or my daughter, but I know I have been failing over and over again. Normally, I am on top of EVERYTHING and I am just a boss at handling home life and work life, but these moments are starting to affect everything and things tend to slip through the cracks and 9 times out of 10, it's my husband who suffers for it.... We have been together 10 years now and we have gone through everything possible. But I find myself trying so hard to make sure everything is perfect and managed, that I end up too exhausted to engage in anything sexual or even cuddling with my husband. If he tries to cuddle up to me, I feel myself becoming anxious and I slowly feel like I have no room to breathe... And when it comes to sex, it's not that I'm not interested at all.. I feel turned on a lot and want to be intimate with my husband, we are both attractive, so it's not an issue of attraction... but when it comes to actually initiating, I feel myself unable to even move... I don't understand why I am like this and I'm scared it will break my family apart...

What can I do?? Is there even a diagnosis for this? or am I just a freak??? I can't stand this anymore! What's wrong with me?

Please ask me anything you need to to help with this... I just want to stop being this way....
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:32 pm

karin12414 wrote: But I find myself trying so hard to make sure everything is perfect and managed, that I end up too exhausted to engage in anything sexual ...


Put sex as #1 on your to-do-list.

You don’t wake up exhausted. Therefore, if the first act is sex, this takes exhaustion off the table.

The idea you are too exhausted is a way of avoiding addressing the issue. You erect barriers by putting other things as priority.
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#2

Postby karin12414 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:49 pm

I have tried... My husband isn't into it first thing in the morning... We have to wake up at 5am and leave to work at 6:30 and won't get home till almost 6:30-7:00pm after I pick him up then go across my town to get my daughter... and by that time, I have too cook dinner for us all....

I have tried... I promise.. it feels like it takes everything in me to try.... but I do... everyday this week I tried to make some kind of "move" on him, but he was too tired from cutting lawns all day... but he still gets upset that we haven't done it in over a week... I just feel like I can't win...
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 19, 2018 9:16 pm

karin12414 wrote: My husband isn't into it first thing in the morning... but he still gets upset that we haven't done it in over a week...


Oh bull. You aren't going to convince me that he both isn't into it and that he gets upset. If that is the case, then you need to tell your husband to man up. He can't have it both ways. You tell him when and where.

Thing is, in your first post you said your husband tries to get close, but you are not receptive. Now you claim the opposite, that he wants to be intimate, but not in the morning. Well, if that is true then you tell him, "suck it up buttercup".

So which is it? Does he reject you or does he complain?
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#4

Postby karin12414 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:28 pm

He got mad the last time I tried in the morning and said he's too tired to do it in the morning... But after work he tries to be cuddly and I'm just cold to him for no reason... I used to be all over him but now I feel sufficated if he's all over me... I'm sorry, I'm trying to keep it straight but I know it's coming off as crazy... The problem is me... I know that much... But what is the problem? I can't see it and I just get more and more depressed and I feel like I'm just on auto pilot to get through the day to day... But it takes all of my energy and I feel pathetic... I'm 24 and should be at the peak of my sexuality but I just can't figure out what is wrong with me...
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:46 pm

karin12414 wrote:...The problem is me... I know that much... But what is the problem?


Take a small step back.

The problem is not ONLY you. True, you are part of the problem, and true you can only control you, but problems are never isolated to the individual. There must, in the case of every problem, be the problem space or context.

For instance, you have careers, a child, busy schedule, etc. These are factors in the problem space.

What is the point of leverage in the problem?

Sex seems to be a key aspect, which is very normal and is biological and emotionally driven.

But you are setting up artificial barriers. You keep saying no, no, no. Any suggested solution, to remove a barrier you will reject or put up another barrier. Why?
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#6

Postby karin12414 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:52 pm

I don't know.... It's pathetic.. all the girls my age talk about how into sex they are and I feel so weird about it.. I always have... It's gotten worse lately... I try to think about what is wrong with me and I just don't understand why I can't just be normal...
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#7

Postby Candid » Fri Apr 20, 2018 6:45 am

There's nothing so un-sexy as having to pretend you want sex, and no greater turn-off than a man who sulks when he doesn't get his 'rights'.

You have other priorities right now. Assuming it was a joint decision to have a baby, he needs to understand it changes everything.

The more you two make an issue of this, the longer you'll wait for things to get back to normal.
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#8

Postby karin12414 » Fri Apr 20, 2018 11:19 pm

Update:

So I did my best yesterday and got the baby to sleep nice and early and was able to initiate with my husband. Everything was nice after, he wasn't upset anymore. Everything was fine this morning and then we get home after work and I screw up again....

He's going through family sh** right now,his grandfather is dying... So I've been very patient and trying to notice when he's just moody because of this.. but I walk into the living room and he is listening to a song. I go over and idk why I brought it up, but I mentioned to him something I read about American idol and he just sat there silent... So I started to play with the baby to keep her busy and out of his way... But then she started to get a little loud and he got upset... He said I was being very inconsiderate because all he wanted to do was listen to a song to not think about sh** and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut for 5 mins... And that I kept making the baby act up...

I just don't think sometimes....
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:07 am

karin12414 wrote: He said I was being very inconsiderate because all he wanted to do was listen to a song to not think about sh** and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut for 5 mins... And that I kept making the baby act up...


Excuse me?

That is what you consider loving? That is the man you married? That is the treatment you agreed to 10 years ago? I'm going to guess probably not. I'm going to guess you had a contract of mutual respect when you were first married, right? Or at least you thought you did. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you have been verbally abused your entire life, so this man was nothing different and so you believe his behavior is acceptable.

The only other explanation is that 10 years ago you believe the relationship was one of mutual respect, but over time you have allowed the contract to change, you have allowed him to be less and less respectful over time. He has gotten more and more comfortable being verbally abusive.

Which one is it?

-1- Ever since marriage you have accepted him verbally telling you to shut your mouth.
-2- Over the years you have slowly allowed him to get less and less respectful.

Which one? It is important, because it provides significant insight as to why this relationship has not ended and how you move forward.
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#10

Postby karin12414 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:49 am

It's my fault... Everything was just fine in high school.. but we had a brief moment of separation because I messed up some things.. but when we got back together it seemed alright... But I kept messing up and upsetting him...I don't know what my problem is...

He works so hard for us and I just make it harder for him...
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 21, 2018 2:07 am

Which one is it?

-1- Ever since marriage you have accepted him verbally telling you to shut your mouth.
-2- Over the years you have slowly allowed him to get less and less respectful.
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#12

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 21, 2018 7:26 am

I can see why you don't want sex with this man. Ugh!
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#13

Postby karin12414 » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:22 am

@Richard@DecisionSkills

I guess 2.... But it's not his fault....
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 21, 2018 1:19 pm

karin12414 wrote: I guess 2.... But it's not his fault....


It takes two people to negotiate a contract. That is what a relationship is, that is what a marriage is. For thousands of years marriage was literally a business contract between families.

When you and your husband first had a contract you agreed to respect each other.

You keep saying it is not his fault. Hogwash. I agree that you are allowing him to disrespect you...that is your fault...but you allowing him to disrespect you doesn't mean you deserve to be disrespected. There is a major difference. You don't deserve to be disrespected.

Anyway...you can keep saying it is your fault. You can keep believing you deserve disrespect and see how that works out for you. Your child will grow up and learn to disrespect you as well. Your child will eventually tell you in one form or another to shut your mouth and you will say, "It's my fault."

You have 3 paths in life:

-1- Stand up for yourself. Hold your husband to the contract. Renegotiate the contract. This probably will require support from family or therapist. It will require conflict with your husband, given the contract has deteriorated to the point your husband believe it acceptable to tell you to shut your mouth.

-2- End the contract. Again, this probably will require support from family. This is divorce because -1- doesn't work.

-3- Continue allowing your husband to violate the contract, disrespecting you whenever he wishes, you blaming yourself and teaching your child to do the same.
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