Every day I wake up I want to be dead

Postby Meandt » Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:20 pm

I have struggled with my mental heath since I was a young child as young as I can remember iv always wanted to die and tryed on meny occasions from the age of 10 up until I was in my 20s am now 30 I have 2 kids and there all the keeps me alive as if I didn’t have them I would make sure I didn’t do it wrong but each day seems to be getting harder and harder I don’t want to even go for a shower I try and go out to take my mind off how unhappy and sad I am anyone I know has someone and I have no one I am so lonley but I am so grateful for my children I just think being a single mum and not having any family is making my depression anxiety a lot worse I don’t have anyone to tell apart from my ex who says well life is hard get on with it so that’s what I am trying to do but I feel I am making my children depressed as I am so sad I try and be ok in front of them but unfortunately it’s not as simple as I’ll be ok coz there there am struggling extremely bad just now I wish I get a sever illnesss that will take me so my kids don’t see me as being selfish but I feel them being with me while I am like this is no good for them has anyone ever been in hospital does it help I do see specialist but they put me on all these meds that I struggle to take as they make me so sleepy how can I take them they know I me out if I had one wish in this world it wouldn’t be to win the lottery or have a big house ect it would be to wake up with a clear head and feel happy to be alive when I hear someone is diagnosed with terminally illness I think to my self I so wish that was me I no it’s unfair on my kids I think like this I wish I didn’t I just don’t know where to turn or how to kick this I feel it’s going to kick me !!!!
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#1

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:30 pm

How come you have no family, Meandt? What happened back there?
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#2

Postby Meandt » Sat Apr 21, 2018 6:57 pm

I do have family no ones died or anything we have just never got on since I was a child I was in care ect it’s just me and my kids
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#3

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 7:23 am

Then I can well understand why you're struggling as a mother on your own. You weren't properly parented yourself.

You say you "never got on" with your caregivers as if you and they were equals. You weren't. You were a little girl, and you needed their help to grow up. It was up to them to "get on" with you, to create and maintain your trust and love.

Who can you turn to now for understanding and company? Have you ever had or considered having some kind of talk therapy?
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#4

Postby Meandt » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:05 am

I genuinely don’t think I struggle at being a mum as I try so hard to give them things I didn’t like love attention just sit and have a chat take them on a holidays spend time together we’re all each other have as I genuinely don’t have a soul I barley have a friend I think I struggle with what’s happens to me on my child hood I was made to shoplift to fund a drug habit at 9/10 and up wards I was accorded of having intercourse at that age he and dragged out my bed to sleep in the stair most night had to look after my younger siblings do nightfeeds I was always so tired that’s when I started taking overdoses I remember I took all my mums medication and in the morning I was dragged by the hair out my bed and could a selfish hoor coz I didn’t leve her one tablet just all I wanted was to die and it’s like it never goes away o don’t know if talking g about it would h lol coz I could write a book on my life but I do see mental heath but they seem to medicate me and it makes me feel sleepy and with no help how do I take them and look after my kids it’s a struggle
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#5

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:15 am

Yes, that's a very tough childhood and adolescence. I understand how alone you feel.

What do you think would be helpful? I mean, what were you hoping for when you signed up to the forum?
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#6

Postby Meandt » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:46 am

I dono why i did this last night iv never in my life done this is just put into google how I feel and it came up with this so I though maybe some can tell me why I feel this ways it’s seem odd now to me that I did this I was feeling really low last nite I feel a bit better today it’s defo not me doing things like this
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#7

Postby Candid » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:57 am

I'm glad you're reaching out for help, because I can tell you've had a very difficult journey through life so far. Your childhood makes it highly likely you suffer Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or C-PTSD.

One of the key symptoms of Complex PTSD is losing trust in people. If possible, people with complex PTSD are recommended to slowly start doing regular activities such as:
    finding friends
    getting a job
    regular exercise
    taking on hobbies
It's important to try and develop some feelings of trust. It may take some time, but a trusting relationship with a therapist will help treat Complex PTSD.

This comes from https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-trau ... d/complex/
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#8

Postby Meandt » Sun Apr 22, 2018 12:10 pm

Thank you it’s been nice having someone to talk to I shall have a look at it x
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