Why do I never feel good enough for my boyfriend?

Postby holaitsbecs » Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:18 pm

I need some serious help!

So, I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now and I still don’t trust him. It’s probably down to the fact I don’t feel good enough for him. Almost everyone we’re friends with says that he’s done well being with me because I’m a bit younger and “conventionally better looking” but I never feel like I’m enough for him and am always worried he’ll go off with someone else..

Help!!
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#1

Postby HumanB » Mon Apr 23, 2018 1:01 am

Have you trusted your previous boyfriends any better? (if so, why was that do you think? )
In your mind, what does "someone else" have that you don't? ie What attribute(s) which you think your boyfriend values more in a mate than good looks and youth do you think you are lacking (so much so that it might lead him to look elsewhere)?
Maybe you are right, and your feeling is actually an intuition that you are not well enough matched with each other to build a solid relationship. Or maybe a wider insecurity that you have which originates prior to this leads you to be overly cautious. Maybe 10 months just isn't long enough being with someone to be as trusting as you think someone should be by then. There is probably a whole mix of things going on which results in the experience of uncertainty about your relationship.
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#2

Postby holaitsbecs » Mon Apr 23, 2018 9:26 am

I was with another guy for 2 years, he was younger than me and I trusted him 100%. That just came to a natural end and now I have some kind of obsession with worrying that my current boyfriend will find someone else :(
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#3

Postby Livetowin » Mon Apr 23, 2018 2:58 pm

Never use relationships as a definition of self. When you let others define you, this is the mess you get into. Instead of measuring yourself by what he does, try making him accountable for his own actions. If you find no value in yourself, how will he? Relationships are a two way street. If both of you want to be together then treat each other well and move forward. If one has to play games and chase the other, you're wasting your time because respect should be the first offering from both sides. If he demands a performance to gain his attention, then I suggest you quit playing his fool and let him move on to someone else. You deserve better. But before you can achieve better you must first sit down and look at yourself and understand you deserve it too. It's true. You will never be able to care for or love others until you learn to love yourself. Yearning for someone's attention is not caring for them. That is you seeing value in yourself only after you assess what is next to you. Find value in yourself first then determine what is acceptable to stand with you. Best of luck.
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#4

Postby holaitsbecs » Mon Apr 23, 2018 3:19 pm

Thank you!

It’s really not anything he’s doing. He’s so lovely, always reassures me when I need it etc. It’s totally me.
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#5

Postby Livetowin » Tue Apr 24, 2018 1:00 pm

holaitsbecs wrote:Thank you!

It’s really not anything he’s doing. He’s so lovely, always reassures me when I need it etc. It’s totally me.


Then you have nothing to worry about. You know there's so much that people in our society want to believe they control. If they value something today, they want to be assured it will be there tomorrow. That's why people are fixated with cure-all books or groups that promise you "control" over your future if you buy their product. Every bit of it is bologna.

I've been with one person for 31 years! Married to them for 25. I got a sneaking suspicion that's longer than you've been alive. You wanna know the secret? You wanna know how to run the perfect race? Answer: Don't ask those questions because they don't exist. Things I have said and done in this relationship were things I blamed (and tortured myself) for relationships that didn't work. So what was the difference? Because the person who is with me wanted to be with me. They understood, as I learned to, that everyone has flaws. There is no perfect race!

This boy you are with will make mistakes. You will make mistakes too. He will say things that hurt you. You will likely do something along the way to make him feel lousy too. Those are the growing pains of finding yourself while you're with someone. There's no avoiding it. We all like to think we wear our best face and put our best foot forward when we meet someone new and start dating them. That's the process. But you gotta believe at some point, that face begins to evaporate and the real you comes forward. The moody you. The inpatient you. The emotional you. The high maintenance you. Whatever makes up "you" will want to be seen and understood.

So do yourself a favor and just be yourself. Be real. Because at the end of the day, real always comes to collect.. If somewhere down the road this guy doesn't want to be with you (or you with him) just move on. Relationships that end because of something you said, or he said, or some other superficial nonsense were never destined to last anyway. If you have something strong, you survive those petty moments because that's just life. Yes, hopefully we all get better and learn accountability for our actions as life moves forward. And that's a dance we all have to learn. But a strong partner will take those lessons with you. So do yourself a favor and don't make such a big deal over this guy. Enjoy the time you spend with him, and see where this goes. But don't ever feel like you need to watch or chase after someone, because that's pointless. If they want to be there, they will be there. If not, you need to take inventory of your priorities and move on. Life is too short as it is. Spend it only with people who want to be in that picture with you. All my best.
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#6

Postby holaitsbecs » Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:55 am

This has been so helpful! Thank you so much :)

And yes, that is longer than I’ve been alive ;) haha
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#7

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:56 pm

I think you need to look into why you don't recognise your worth. Until we do, we cannot be good/full partners in a relationship. I'm not suggesting you end the relationship or anything, but you do need to do some inner work.
This comes from someone who was in your situation.
A great website to start with is http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk that site helped me lots!
Some examples:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-vi ... -yourself/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ask-yo ... nship-too/
Just be aware that if you constantly send out the message that you don't think you're good enough for him, you may convince him of that. Although he's supportive now, I'd try to work on my self-worth ASAP.
A great & funny book to read about what men want in a woman, really helped me. There's 2 actually, from the same author - Sherry Argov:
'Why Men Love Bitches'
'Why Men Marry Bitches'
It honestly isn't about being a bitch. That's just the humorous title. They're books about knowing your self worth, & what that can do for a relationship.
It changed my approach to relationships, & I'm now in a long-term, extremely happy relationship. The books & the website & the work on myself, really changed my life x
Jess
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#8

Postby jessicapuppy » Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:12 pm

It's worth adding that all my life I'd been in relationships where I never felt good enough. Some of them even became emotionally abusive. Some of them I sabotaged, as I thought i'd do it before the guy did. I'd also pushed men away by being insecure!
Read those books :) If nothing else, you'll get a laugh & an interesting read. I wish I'd read them 20 years before I did!
Another excellent book, in terms of making relationships work, is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray. Very good.
Jess
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