Living with bf's parents is ruining our relationship!

Postby blahblahblah » Wed Apr 25, 2018 6:29 pm

Hi all,

This is my first post - could do with some advice.

Little bit of background - I'm a care-leaver with no family or support systems. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three and a half years. We met at uni and shortly after moved in together and rented our own apartment which we lived in for over 2 and a half years but due to financial difficulties, we couldn't afford it.

Surprisingly, his parents offered us to move into their basement to help us save for a mortgage. This came as a surprise as I have had a lot issues with his family not approving me because I'm a care leaver and not having a family etc.

Nonetheless, we moved into their house in August 17, at first it was okay (i wasn't very happy about the idea of moving in with them due to personal reasons) but he wanted to try and get us out of debt. It was as if his family were offering us a helping hand. It might be worth noting that he left his old stable job to work with his dad as part of the agreement for us moving in.

Things changed very quickly once we moved in, tbh, I hated it and still do and believe it was the worst decision we have ever made. At first, we thought that his family were actually trying to help us out and get out of debt but it all turned to sh** when his family, specifically his dad lied in order to get us into the basement. He lied about wages and work 7 days a week for several months. His family would control everything, always coming down into our room, making us do things for them all the time! Out of 5/6 months, we had 3 full days together without his parents being there or annoying us, it was f***ing hell. I'm also in my second year at uni and living here as definitely affected my grades and well-being.

Long story short - in January my bf's dad fired him on the spot for asking him a question (I know f***ing ridiculous) just a few days before our anniversary (we booked a hotel for a few days to spend sometime together) however, the weekend was ruined because we were scared and worried about money and him getting a job. When we came back home after our weekend away, we got corned into the room where they had a full-blown argument, threatening to chuck us out, threatening to smash all of our stuff etc, complaining about rent, and me for using the tumble dryer for 3 hours on one occasion in 6 months and that was because we're going away and I didn't do any washing as I was ill for 3 weeks.

So we were being forced out and I just started back at uni after xmas and had loads of deadlines. My bf tried looking for a job but it was difficult for him to get one because it looked like he had worked for almost 7 months. Thankfully we managed to stay here until we sort ourselves out but 3 months down the line things have gotten from bad to worse!

His family has increased the rent 3 times in this period - they first increased it after his dad fired him! Knowing that we were struggling as he was out of work for about 6 weeks! But he had to get clothes for interviews etc. We are no longer allowed to use tumble dryer, they have turned off all the heating in the basement even though there is damp everywhere and they have refused to sort it out! Not to mention using a manky shower where we cant even stand up! But they have 3 other bathrooms in their house that are all stunning? We are barely allowed to lock the door in the basement for privacy - that caused alot of arguments and took the key off of us.

Anyway, now my bf got a new job and works 6 days a week. Very long hours, we barely see each other and argue sooo much because of what his parents have done. His family ignore me and watch me (record me etc) and have his brothers report back to his dad about me. His family has made it very clear that we're unwelcome (mainly me tho) as his family actually speak to him but not me. I haven't done anything wrong, I just told them the truth - his father brought me into the house so I could spy on his wife and his step kids and I couldn't do it anymore as it was wrong! His family has tried splitting us up and I'm so sick of it now.

Since they have increased the rent 3 times now we are struggling to get out of debt and save as they are making it impossible. Other family members are allowed to stay over and have dinners, showers, clothes washed and dried for them but we aren't allowed to do anything but we are being forced to pay for their usage?

I'm extremely unhappy and feel suicidal - I'm afraid that I'm starting to resent my partner because of this and because we barely see each other. We are being controlled by his family who are trying to break us up. It feels like we are taking a step back instead of forward and I dont know what to do anymore :(!
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 25, 2018 9:01 pm

How do you personally make money? Who is paying for your school, food, clothes, etc?

Given you are so unhappy you leave. Your boyfriend will obviously come with you, right?

Or is there more going on in this story? The reason I ask, is because the story you tell is one of "we" as in your boyfriend hates the situation just as much as you. If this is the case it is just a matter of finding a cheap, temporary stay hotel, shelter, car, friends, or alternative and moving out.

Yet I guess your boyfriend is telling you to wait or that he can't afford it? In other words, the pain he feels and the control is not an issue for him as much as it is for you. He says he wants to leave, but his actions, i.e. his behavior doesn't back up what he says.
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Postby Candid » Thu Apr 26, 2018 6:25 am

I sympathize, bbb. As Richard says, you need to get out of there, with your bf or without him.

This is really something you could do without, having no family and a history of care. Stay strong!
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Postby BlindSniperrr » Thu Apr 26, 2018 10:38 am

why do you continue to live with them? do you like self-flagellation?I'm more than sure that you can find yourself a cheaper dwelling, or even for the same fee, but already in human conditions.
I had a situation a little different from things.I met the girl on ukReine. Soon moved to live with her. But we lived with her. Her parents did not know the language, and in every way condemned her for her choice. At one point, I packed my things and rented a room at the hotel. Then he invited her to move to my homeland. But she still thinks, says she can not leave her parents and friends. The question for her is important or not?
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