PAWS episode

Postby helenadoc » Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:56 am

Hey guys! I'm going through a rough patch..3 days ago i felt my anxiety increasing and i didn't want to pay attention to it. The next day it increased ever more and i started shaking, i was almost on the bring of an axiety attack. I went to sleep shaking like a maniac, my senses were very hightened, i could hear everything: the birds from outside, watter running through the pipes, furniture cracking, everything. Somehow i managed to sleep.
Next day was horrible, i was very agitated, very tense, depressed, i cried a little bit. I was driving my car and the traffic was so crowded, i thought i was gonna suffocate.
I went to a therapy session (i started it 3 weeks ago) and after that i relaxed. My tension faded away and a wave of warm tiredness came over me. The rest of the day was ok.
But last night i had a nasty dream, i was sleeping next to my mom and i woke up punching her. I fell back asleep imediately but then i woke up in the morning and i couldn't shake the dream off. Since i stopped smoking everything that i dream follows me the next day. I need a few hours to shake that feeling, it's like i can't get out of the dream even if i wake up.
I started crying and feeling horrible for punching her, it wasn't on purpose of course, but still i felt like crap. She told me that i was moving a lot, fighting something in my dream.
Now i must study and i had a moment when i felt like something was cut, and my head started to feel very very light. It's like DP or DR or something. I haven't had that since my first 3 months of withdrawal.
I'm a bit scared. I think it's a PAWS episode, but my mind is playing tricks with me, it doesn't feel right. It's like an emptiness or something.
I need a bit of advice, cuz i feel like i'm losing my mind.
Any ideas?
helenadoc
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#1

Postby dhae2604 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:11 pm

Hi there Quitting Buddy! sad to hear youre having hard time also. As I cant offer solid advice as Iam having hard time also as the moment. Just want to offer words of encouragement, I also feel like losing my mad & having thoughts that I might get ptsd with these etc. etc. Lets stay Strong! warm regards.....
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#2

Postby dhae2604 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 1:51 pm

Hi There want to have chat. Hang in there in few days it will subside. may i ask if Have you notice that some symptoms will be gone for a few days/weeks/months then will return again? When do you experince the withdrawal? I experienced it gradually after 7-9days after last my last use. at first some sleep difficulty. then baam: insomnia, restlessness, no appetite, hands & feet sweating, anxiety, depressed mood. tremor/shakiness,

I noticed that whatever exercise, im very active in gym, good supps/vitamins, diet? I dont have a diet actually Whats just available in the table. I lessen my caffeine intake & very few alcohol at occasional times only. Guess TIME i think is the real deal here. Hope that what we are experiencing is making us heal. I somewhat read that u are planning to try Antidepressants
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#3

Postby helenadoc » Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:56 pm

Hi there. From what i observed it doesn't have a pattern. I feel "ok" for a while and then a wave of sh** comes. It doesn't last just a few days, it lasts a while and then slowly subsides. It's awkward because i had like 3 stages: in february i was feeling good, everyday was getting better and better, i could really feel it. I had 2 panick attack and i got depressed and anxious again. It subsided slowly during the next month and i got to a stage were i felt "ok", but not good, like in february. This "ok" stage is with anxiety ( it increases and decreseases throughout the day, but bereable) and depression at low levels, and obssesive thought to a minimum. It lasted until 3 days ago when i went down a spiral again.
Now the lighthead went away, but i have anxiety that goes through my body, i feel it in chest, hands, sometimes legs. I cried like 3 times today, and i feel really depressed, like there is no chance of ever recovering.

I have a very suspicious mind and i hate that even if i have proof of my evolution, of others peoples stories, i still think negatively, i don't see the good in anything, i only think of the worse.

To be honest, the thing that is lurking my mind right now is " i will never be like i was, i'm gonna feel like this forever, i ruined myself. I will ruin my relashionship, i will never feel love and joy anymore, or desire for sex for that matter" I don't trust me and i don't think positively. Aaand there are a lot of what ifs...
Sorry for the rant, it's just that i'm having a very hard time dealing with this..
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#4

Postby helenadoc » Fri Apr 27, 2018 5:02 pm

My psychiatrist wanted to put me on antidepressants, but i said i don't want to. I was addicted to a substance. I will not use another substance to feel good because i think it will get me nowhere. I mean, it could make me feel good, but when i'll stop i'll go back from where i started. And i can't take that.

I just wanna be normal, emotionally stable, feeling what i'm supposed to feel. Not like this. I'll just suck it up..
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#5

Postby dhae2604 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 6:11 pm

Hi there Helena can totally relate. cant shake the fear of what ifs like. what if I cant back to normal, what if this is not withdrawal anymore, what if permanent damage. etc. etc. But dont lose hope. lots of worries, fears etc. I find it hard to handle stress if experiencing waves of symptoms. Can you also relate with having hard time to handle stress? Idk maybe its just me. Its depressing thinking that it may take years still experiencing this. Hope that in a few months we will experience a long break from these. stay STRONG.
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#6

Postby helenadoc » Fri Apr 27, 2018 6:31 pm

Yeah, i do. But when i know i have a reason for being stressed, even if my anxiety increases through the roof, i somehow manage to keep myself grounded and not going crazy until i resolve the situation. This happens when i'm in this shitty period.

When i'm "ok", because of the fact that i'm emotionally numb, i don't react to stress. I don't feel it. I'm in a plateau that doesn't go up or down.
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#7

Postby dhae2604 » Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:28 pm

Hey hope u feelin' good already. Its kinda frustrating you know. Wave.window.wave window.wave.window.
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#8

Postby helenadoc » Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:37 am

Hey dhae. I'm a bit better. I'm having a hard time dealing with stress now. I had trouble sleeping the other night, hightened anxiety with sweaty palms, tremors. Depression is still there. Yesterday i had a few hours window of feeling nothing which was kinda good.
I have a lot to study cuz i have an exam on friday and my brain is playing with me :)): when i'm reading i feel like a can't memorise, can't concentrate because i think of 100 things on the same time, but when i lay in bed before i sleep, i can actually remember what i read. Is awkward. I'm a little dizzy, like i have a little brain fog...
It's curious...when i hit 4 5 months my memory was sooo awsome. I felt like i could remember everything, and i actually did. Whatever i read or did i could remember. Now i'm having some gaps, i don't know. Maybe it's rewiring.
I hate this paranoia that i have. It's hard to trust anything...maybe i sound crazy, maybe i'm going crazy, but that's what i feel. I am afraid i'm really going crazy. When i have those "space out" moments i think i'm going schizophrenic or something...it's weird and hard to stay grounded.
How are you my friend? It's good we have almost the same timeline...i hope we are getting better and better
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#9

Postby dhae2604 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:15 pm

Cant say im okay. having moments Im okay then have anxiety & depression again awhile ago. I dont know. Its hard. Hope its all chemical. before Im having depress mood swings early in my quit which I can notice. But now I don't know maybe Im depressed because of my situation. & other life stressors w/c is compounding because of this sh** withdrawal. Ill start reading CBT again for depression. Hardest thing Ive experience in my life. like you, Im still very afraid that this will be permanent etc. Cant imagine experiencing this in the next 2yrs etc etc fears. Idk Ill though it out also. Its hard to see progress. Lets stay strong. thanks Keep sharing experience. I cant relate to paranoia like trusting others etc. But early in my quit i thought also im schizoprenic etc. ex reading hearing about mental illness. Hearing Insect sounds then my thought will be maybe Im schizo. already because of what happening to me in this withdrawal..
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#10

Postby helenadoc » Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:21 pm

The paranoia that i have is not usual...i mean i'm not thinking that everyone is looking at me or smth like that.
If someone says something, even if i have proof that is true, my stupid head still thinks the same sh**. It's annoying...maybe it's because of this stupid withdrawal and thinking that even though i see improvements i still think that i'm not doing better...
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#11

Postby dhae2604 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:39 pm

Hi kinda relate to that. But i dont know if its the kind of paranoid that i have. I think its because of the long time were experiencing symptoms in this withdrawal. I got paranoid also sometimes that Im thinking if im still like a human like others because Im still experiencing this withdrawal symptoms for a long time. I got really low self esteem because of that feeling inferior to others ;(. Idk know hard to explain. Something like If I got a wound then it heals, then I will think im still a human, but why my brain & withdrawal doesnt heal.idk hard to explain Im kinda ashame to share that lol. But im not paranoid like example believing that your coworker/ classmates is going to poison you etc.
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#12

Postby dhae2604 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:58 pm

maybe its just withdrawal related paranoia. Once were healed that will gonna pass. Dont stress about that ;)
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#13

Postby helenadoc » Mon Apr 30, 2018 4:25 pm

You don't have to be ashamed of anything regarding this matter. I think is good to let things out :D
I'm not paranoid like that either. Is just what i wrote.
Btw, do you have that buzzing in your ears? That sound you get when you have a night in a club with loud music and your ears are buzzing when is quiet.

I too believe it is because of withdrawal. I hope we keep in touch and we'll laugh about how stupid we were during this period of struggle, i really do.
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#14

Postby dhae2604 » Tue May 01, 2018 11:09 am

Hi helena! as far as i can remember I dont experience ringing in my ears during withdrawal. but before stopping weed I got that before having panic attack while smoking. Yes! someday we will. *crossfingers hehe.


Awhile ago Ive been around smoker with my dealer damn these addicts smoking after gym. I suppose went to gym for health purposes haha. have a few minute chitchat with them. Kinda paranoid because I smelled again the smoke of marijuana. Idk kinda paranoid hope it doesnt affect me. Have you been around smoker also? damn really hate now the strong smell of MJ. hope youre doing fine & well today. keep sharing things that helps u during these times. I kinda had window today. hope its not frm the 2nd hand smoke!
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